Affair resulting in a child

[SFC80]

Not sure if this is the best place for this question, but I'm looking for advice.

I've been with my parter for 10 years. We have children together. He had an affair and it resulted in the other woman getting pregnant. The little girl is 2 now and my partner will soon be applying for contact.

Does anyone have any experience of this type of situation? Any ideas on how we can go around contact?

The ideal way would be to treat the situation as though it was a typical "step-child from a previous relationship" situation but I feel I may not cope with that due to the nature of my partner and this other woman's previous relationship.

I would be interested in hearing how anyone established contact like this. Did your partner visit the child in the mother's home? Were you involved a lot more from the start? What boundaries did you put up from the start and made the other woman aware of?

Thank you for any advice in advance xx

It sounds a very diffiuclt situation and yet you appear very calm about it.

I'm afraid I don't know anything at all about the legalities- but what I am wondering is why he has waited until the child is two?

Do they live near you?
When did his relationship with the OW end?
Has he had any contact for the past two years?

More to the point- how does he think he can foist himself onto a 2 yr old who presumably doesn't know him from Adam- and how will he or the mother explain who he is?

Why does he want to build up a relationship with the child now? What kind of relationship does he want with her?

Do you see the OW as a threat now?

He hasn't had any contact with the child until now for many reasons. Mainly because the mother decided against it. She asked him to stay away. Add to that at the time the child was born I was 6 months pregnant myself, so it was a very difficult time for everyone for other reasons.

The mother has recently approached him about the child, showing him pictures and letting him know information about her and giving an impression that she wants him to be involved. (The mother has also split with her boyfriend who she initially thought was the father. He was the reason she wanted my husband to have nothing to do with the child as he wanted my partner to stay away)

He would not try and foist himself on the child. He would approach her mother and see if she was willing for him to have a relationship with her. They do live near us and as the children are growing up, we are seeing each more and feel that it is something which cannot be ignored anymore.

He was hoping, if possible, that it would work the same as any father who builds a relationship with a child when they are slightly older ... slowly.

As for the details in how that would happen, I do not know. That is the advice I was looking for.

I do see her as a threat. I am frightened that as her boyfriend has left she would be hoping something could happen between my partner and her again. Although I trust my partner to not let that happen now. I am also worried that she could be difficult once a relationship was established as seems to happen a lot in step-families.

Thank you for replying.

This will be hard, but if you always think of it as what is best for the child (ie how you would if it is a child from a previous relationship) and treat her with the respect you would want your children to recieve then you and the child should be fine.
I imagine you are most worried about contact with your husband and his ex mistress; what is YOUR ideal situation, no or little physical contact between your dp and the other woman ... if so your dp can ask for the hand over to be in a contact centre or at somewhere which is totally neutral.
Maybe you and your partner could come up with YOUR OWN arrangement (in writing) FOR YOU TWO so that you feel secure and know where YOU stand with him.

I can see it from the mother's point of view, that if it was my child, I would not be happy to let my son/daughter be handed over to a complete stranger to them. That was why I was wondering how people have made it work in the first instance, until the child knows who the person (father in this case) is.

I personally would prefer as little contact in person between my partner and the mother. But I have been made to feel unreasonable in the past by others for having these feelings.

That is not unreasonably of you SFC, not at all! Whoever has made you feel unreasonable is taking the piss, to be frank.

Your willingness to be involved in this is above and beyond the call of duty - if I were you I would be in at the start calling the shots. He wouldn't be round at the OW's alone for a start.

I must admit, if my DH had a baby with someone else I would actually be angry if he didn't play a 50% part in parenting that child. Whether that meant I threw him out because I couldn't cope with my own feelings, I don't know. But the idea of him not being an equal parent seems terrible to me.

Sympathies, it sounds like a horrid situation for you.

I think you're approaching this with extraordinary grace - I found plain and simple stepparenthood hard enough.

I think the key is ground rules for you and DP - his relationship with his child is key, but it will be so much easier if it is conducted on terms you have agreed to in advance, particularly with the history.

I'd say, to be honest, stay involved, early on.

You're a parent yourself, you'll find your own relationship with the child, and this way there's no space for doubt, worry, jealousy or tension.

If the OW is dealing with a unit, rather than your DP, you'll set a workable relationship for the future, with less scope for emotional pain for you - hard as it is to be inclusive right now, without it you could feel left out in later years.

Just want to commend you for tackling this in such a drama-free manner - it must cost you, but good for you.

Morningpaper, I see where you are coming from and a few years ago I would have said exactly the same thing. But once it happens to you, it kind of throws it all up in the air. You also have your own children to factor into the situation and another mother. Basically, either outcome is not brilliant.

It is reassuring to know that the way I feel, regarding visitation alone with the mother, is not unrealistic. Thank you x

No, I can see that no outcome is great. Good luck with it all. Make sure you have a bit of support for YOURSELF - a counsellor or something similar - during this time.

I've had quite a while to try and come to terms with it lol

I wish there was a manual on how to deal with this.

I think that the best way to think in these circumstances is 'what is best from the little girl's perspective' (amazingly hard for you to do in your situation ).

From the lo's pov her mum is her primary carer and I would think that the gradual introduction of your dp would probably be easiest for her to handle. Maybe they could meet at the park / soft play / cafe for an hour at a time? If you feel (understandably) uncomfortable with your dp visiting their home maybe you could all agree that the visits, initially, take place in public, somewhere the lo is comfortable. I'm not sure that a contact centre is an ideal place to facilitate contact for the little girl, if at all avoidable.

In addition, your dp will have to agree to some form of communication with the mum, as it will only hurt the child if he cannot deal with the person that knows her best. Email might be a good way to start?

I don't think that you are being unreasonable at all to have concerns - my feeling is that your dp is very lucky that you are dealing with this in such a mature way. He still needs to respect your feelings whilst building a relationship with his daughter.

If you post this on the stepparenting section you will get some good advice too...

Good luck.

We have had couples counselling and my partner had individual counselling in the past.

Unfortunately though, money is tight and counsellers are expensive! lol

Thank you Superduper...

My husband proposed the idea of a cafe or park.

I have posted in step-families also, so hopefully will get some other opinions in there x

My goodness, I have no advice I'm afraid but I'm really impressed by how dignified you are being about this. She's a lucky little girl.

I really hope things work out for you SFC .

It really is a work in progress, everyone's feelings on the situation need to be taken into consideration and, in all likelihood, some things will work out and somethings won't. The main priority has got to be the dc involved (your dc too).

It is very early days and it sounds as if you are working on your relationship with your dp, so it would be a real shame if you were knocked off course. You could try to treat the ow as an 'ex', for the sake of your sanity. They don't need to be friends but they do need to be able to co-parent - for me and my exh, this means that I keep him updated wrt our ds and he has a set contact schedule. Now my ds is older (5) he also speaks to his dad on the phone if he wants to, but I don't talk to him unless it's something urgent. Tbh, I think the relationship between 'ex's has to be formal to some degree and agreeing an approach like email and set contact helps to establish that.

Hopefully, when your dp's relationship with his daughter is underway the situation will settle into some kind of normality. I guess that at the moment it is all a big unknown, which is very stressful.

SFC - I am in a very similar position - except I am no longer with my XH and he is (now but only after I finally moved on with a new DP) with the OW!
My XH had an affair and the OW got pregnant - their child will be 2 in July - we attempted to reconcile a number of times and hence my DD2 is 5 months younger than the OW child!
We did have many many discussions about contact with the child if we stayed together - the problem was the OW point blank refusing to allow me any contact with the child and refusing to accept this was a stepfamily situation, even though I had never done anything to her!
She made a point of saying how XH would be alone with her when he saw the child, and how he had not been able to resist her in the past
There were many reasons we did not stay together (XH being a total fuckit being the main one, but I cannot deny the issues this woman threw up and knowing that contact with her would be forever because of the child did play a part)!
You have clearly got past that stage so good for you - my advice would be to do it all legally through the proper channels, do not give her any power to hurt your family or manipulate the situation or use her child as a tool Get a legal agreement and find a neutral place for contact to start!

Emotionally it is very hard, even now I am over fuckwit XH, and have a lovely new DP, hearing my girls talk fondly of their half sister hurts, even though I know it is the right and best thing!
Good luck x

You sound like such a lovely reasonable person, nobody should tell you to accept your man around the other mum, that would cause more trouble than it's worth. You trust your H now, and his ideas sound OK, so hopefully everything will go well.

I have a lot of professional experience here but no personal experience at all.

I think it is quite reasonable for you to insist that there should be as little contact between your DP and the mother and possible. The point is for him to build a relationship with his daughter, not with her.

YANBU there at all.

Think you have some good advice here already, & are handling this well so far.

Maybe a silly question though, but - given you said the mother originally thought it was her boyfriend's child - are you now 100% sure it IS your DP's child? It wasn't clear from your posts what made her change her mind about that but it sounds a bit odd.

We had a DNA test done just after the baby was born as the DNA test her BF took showed he was not the baby's father.

She decided 7 months into the pregnancy to reveal she wasn't sure who the father was. Her BF had been led to believe he was.

Thank you for the advice. I definitely have some things to think about now with my partner. xxx

Hello, my dad fathered a child with a woman he had an affair with. A complicated and difficult scenario for all involved. My brother and I were 9 and 11 at the time. My mother understandably found it very difficult, but she did support my dad's decision to have contact, and to make this child a part of our family too.

My sister is 19 now and those more difficult feelings we all had at the beginning are long, long forgotten. Everyone was able to move on and focus on her very early on in the process. My mum has a really close, strong relationship with her that she clearly thinks more than compensates for any stress and angst she felt in the initial aftermath.

Anyway it's obviously a hugely difficult time but it sounds like you both have the right attitude to this, and you will have a new child in your lives which is ultimately, whatever the circumstances, a happy thing. It wasn't easy in our family, but we certainly had a happy ending and I hope you all do too.

xx

oh and ps my dad used the carpark thing etc for a long time, worked well. overall my mum's done most of the talking to her mum.

This woman seems to be only involving your DP now for her own convenience - her DP has left her, she's a single mother and probably panicking and lonely - so I don't think you need to bend over backwards to make this easy for her. If she had her child's best interests at heart and she genuinely wanted your DP to be a father to them, she would have encouraged him to be a part of things from the start.

Many, many people would have done what her DP did, trying to keep the child away from its father so that the memories of an affair can begin to fade and there is no opportunity for reconciliation. You seem to be behaving with admirable dignity, fairness and generosity so please do not be made to feel unreasonable for laying down some ground rules. Your DP is a fortunate man to have found somebody as understanding as you and I think he should be asking you how you would feel comfortable with him handling this.

Personally, I would insist that meetings take place in a public place, until the OW has the confidence to allow her child to come to your house. I would not be happy with DP and OW being alone together on her 'territory' because her comments to you make her seem very predatory and determined. She will be resentful that her relationship is in tatters but yours is growing and even if she doesn't really fancy your DP anymore, may do her damn best to wreak some sort of destruction.

I would also insist on email contact to arrange meetings and such, and if you're really uncomfortable - you do the organising. Obviously ideally it's good for a child to see mummy and daddy getting along but in these circumstances, I don't see why he should have any relationship or interaction with OW at all. She's already suggested she's going to make a move on him when he's in her company.

SFC80...can I just say I think you are being extremely dignified and gracious over this whole thing. If you can keep this up, you are a goddess!

First off, it doesn't sound to me like you have anything to worry about with your dp and this other woman - he is still with you, you two have obviously been through A LOT and have dealt with everything openly.

Your dp sounds like he's at least taking responsibility for this child and that too is something to be proud of.

I agree with other posters about the mother of this child - she is probably scared and lonely and worried about being a single mum. But if it was me, I'd want to know about the 'family' I was leaving my dc with. Contact in the car park sounds good. I know this sounds daft, but can you, maybe down the line a little bit, meet with her, your dp, and the children so you all can get to know each other. (this may be a completely ridiculous suggestion, considering you dp had an affair with her..sorry).

Briefly...my father had an affair with someone and she got pg and had a baby 6 months after my sister was born. I didn't find out about this until I was 18. The secrets, the lies, it devastated our family and my half-brother's life too. He didn't even know he had brothers and sisters until he was a teenager. I have only met him once and bitterly regret that, 44 years later.

It was a different time, a different era but the message is clear - it's so important to try and be open and honest with children. You sound like you are doing so well with this. I'm really impressed!

You sound lovely.
Support your partner
Welcome the child
Be courteous and friendy to the child's mother in whatever capacity you have contact.

Wow! How shocked was I when I logged in and saw that this thread had been bumped up from June. Thank you for the recent comments.

Well like I said, this was all back in June. It is November now and alot has happened since then.

A quick update. Me and my H set some boundaries. He contacted the OW about contact. There was lots of discussion via Email, between us and her, for about a month before it got underway. He never had any visitation time alone with his daughter and her. We requested that his dd's Nan accompanied her at visitation to begin with. This was one visit! The second visit I accompanied my H and Nan went off for a walk while we played with dsd at the park. This went on for a few more visits and then she came to our home. She was used to meeting new people and it never phased her, thankfully. We have regular contact with dsd, she loves coming here, our children love her and everything is going great.

We had one hiccup where it appeared OW was trying to encourage my H to see her behind my back but he was upfront and honest with me straight away and told her straight up that it would never happen. All contact takes place with me. Since then, she's not bothered and has acted very favourably. I'm really pleased how things have gone and are going.

I still have fleeting moments of anger at the OW. Just like I do my H. But he has done all that he can since this all happened to show he has changed and wants to do what is right by me and all his children. Those fleeting moments are subsiding though. ;)

I hope things go as well as they did for you Monniemae and flibertygibet , that is something both me and my husband did not want to happen. I'm really sorry it did to you