My mum has just told me something about DH which has seriously upset me.

[insertwittynicknameHERE]

A few things happened a couple of weeks ago with DH and I and ended up with us rowing (which we hardly ever do TBH, and I actually started a thread about it lol)

I thought DH and I had dealt with it and moved on, but obviously not.

My mum has had a big go at me today as apparently I am going to loose DH as he said to her that if I don't lighten up soon he will be leaving. Why he has said this to mum and not me I don't know, but either way I have got to deal with it.

Me and mum have had a big barney over this and some other nasty things she has said to me today. I am going to talk to DH about it tonight when he gets home from work.

I believe my mum as she has no reason to lie about this, her and DH get on really well.

Mum has basically told me that I am a nasty piece of work and that I need to stop being sharp with people.

I am (or at least I thought I was) a nice person, obviously not. I know when I am pg, which I am at the minute (34+4) that I can be quite short and sharp with people. I know I do it I just struggle to stop myself sometimes. I thought I had been doing well recently as I have made a very big and conscious effort not to be IYSWIM. Obviously it hasn't been working.

I don't know what to do, I really think that I don't want to be with DH now, but I don't know if it is my hormones clouding my thinking right now. I don't want to do anything rash. Although right now I want to take DD and go and never some back.

If I leave though I have no where to go, I WILL NOT go to my mum and dads and I have no one else who I can ask to take DD and I in. I don't even have any money for a B&B or hotel. All I know is I do not want to be here, I want out.

And if she calls again and shouts tell her you are not going to listen to her while she is shouting and hang up.

FBG, I did hang up

I have taken the land line off the hook anyway as DD is napping in her pushchair and I don't want it to wake her. I will not answer my mobile if she rings.

I have just had another text off her telling me off for being upset yesterday, I dared to shout and have some tears and apparently I shouldn't be upset of what she told me and the things she said to me. Also according to her I didn't take my phone on purpose I genuinely forgot it but I should have known that she would want to talk to me and know where I am.
I am 30 years old FGS, I should be able to do what I want when I want without having to give my mum a blow by blow account of everything. It's like she wants to to ring her or text her every time I want to do something so that I can gain her approval.

Not going to happen.

i have a mum like yours. She never praised me or encouraged me . She always made us feel guilty about lost things. We were never "Good enuf daughters". So and Soes DD was always so wonderful. My mother is a nut case, a bitch and a very self woman. It rubs off on you and you feel angry. sometimes you take it out on others. Sometimes you end up being a door mat like I did and putting up with shit relationships cos you think that is what you should put up with cos your mother was so disapproving . Its what you are used to .
We have a lot to blame our parents for but at the same time they only did their best and at the end of the day you have to move forward and not hold it against them forever.

Your mum has got to stop controlling you. You are 30 yrs old. You cant change her behaviour, BUT you can change you own towards her. She got angry cos you werent replying to her texts. Rise above it and dont let her make you angry...ignore her. Reply to her in a very calm and controlled way. When she speaks horribly to you just say , " That is only YOUR opinion, and i am going now i have things to do ". "I will wpeak to you when you are being pleasant ". She will be livid.... Ignore. Be strong and dont let her get you het up.

You Aren't Responsible For What Your Parents Did To You As a Child, They Are

2. You Are Responsible For What You Do With Your Life Now, Your Parents Aren't

Healing from growing up controlled has three steps:

Step One: Emotionally leaving home by separating from the hurtful aspects of your upbringing, parents and family role.

Step Two: Bringing balance to your relationship with your parents.

Step Three: Redefining your life.

Emotional healing is like physical healing. If you cut your finger, you clean the wound and protect it from infection with a bandage. If you break your leg, you set the bone and wear a cast to protect from further trauma. This allows your body?s natural healing process to work.

It?s the same with emotional healing. When you?re emotionally wounded by a controlling childhood, "cleaning" the wound means facing your true past and speaking about it. And the "bandage" or "cast" that protects these wounds from further injury is emotionally leaving home. This doesn?t necessarily mean a physical separation from your parents, but it may entail letting go of counterproductive links with them and your upbringing.

You cannot mend a broken bone faster by telling it to "heal quicker." Healing a broken leg means wearing a cast, which can make walking difficult. Similarly, emotional healing may mean changes in habits that at first feel awkward.

Like physical healing, emotional healing can happen 24 hours a day without conscious effort. You may not know exactly how a cut heals; you just notice that each day it gets a little healthier. Similarly, people who begin emotionally separating from a controlled upbringing frequently notice over time that they develop more positive values and a greater sense of freedom, often without knowing precisely how.

Emotional separation opens the way for you to bring balance to your relationship with your parents, whether they are living or dead. Emotional separation also permits you to redefine your life and yourself in terms of who you really are and where you really want to go, not in terms of your parents or your past.

Would also suggest you read "If you had controlling parents" written by Dr Dan Neuharth.

I have one of these too

her behaviour nearly drove me to suicide on a number of occasions - our whole family was at breaking point when I finally cut her off

I speak from a very partisan perspective, but my life has simply taken off since I eradicated her vile, selfish, suffocating, psychotically twisted influence. I have things I never thought I would be able to have - friends, a job, autonomy over my relationship with my children, days out without feeling guilty - I'm even beginning to be able to answer the phone without shaking

until it all actually happened though - which was very surreal and I still can't quite believe I managed it - I was utterly, totally and completely certain in every corpuscle that I would never ever be free of her until the day she died. My whole personality was bound up in the strain of sustaining an unsustainable existence - extreme Christianity lends itself very well to justifying this kind of tyranny. Oddly enough my "faith" evaporated around the same time I cut my mother off

I feel for you - lots of people on here will too, because this isn't as rare as we would all like to think.

Ged rid of this poisonous flesh-eating parasite and you will feel MUCH better, I promise

Thank you attila, that post was very insightful, I am starting to feel better now. I am still on the verge of tears but not quite so shaken IYSWIM.

I don't want to have to cut my mum out of my life completely, I do however think that I really need to limit contact between her and myself.

She has her good points so she is not all bad, but every time she does something like this it brings back my childhood.

I was laid in the bath last night thinking things over and I remembered a point in my very young childhood. My brother must have been about 6mo as it was at his christening. I remember being ignored (literally) by my mum. I remember asking my mum for a cuddle and I remember her saying to me to go away this is not your day it is your brothers day. I would have been almost 3 years old at that point. I cried when I remembered that.
I think about DD1 and think that I could never treat DD1 like that, it would not cross my mind to do so.

When I remember things like that I feel like I could just end it all, but I would never do that, I am a stubborn old fool and would not give her the satisfaction.

My brother being born was like the second coming in my mums eyes, I at that point (and most of my life) have just been in her way.

I mean DD not DD1 as DD2 hasn't been born yet .

You know what? You are allowed to be pissed off, irritable, angry and cry. All these emotions are normal and healthy. If you're pregnant and caring for a toddler I think it's a fecking miracle if you aren't all those emotions on a daily basis!

insertwittynamehere... another toxic mother here and i firmly agree with the others.. if you can't cut her out completely then severly restrict contact and make it be clear you will not be spoken to in such a way.

My mother is controlling, nasty, bitchy and verbally abusive but sees hereself as positively saintly and me as the wayward, nasty, never good enough or successful enough daughter.

I can't cange how she sees me, but i can ensure she gets as little chance to make me feel like dirt as possible. She did enough damage in the years i lived at home... i tried to kill myself at 11, self harmed for years, took drugs, became a borderline alcohoic, slept around in a bizarre attempt at emotional connection to others. I was an only child so all of her crazy was directed at me and me alone, my dad worked abroad alot and when he was home he behaved like yours... refused to get involved for the easy life (although he's having his payback on that now... he's living and working with her and is receiving the full brunt of her insanity and nastiness.. i'd feel sorry for him except for the fact that he let a defenseless child endure that for years)

It took months of hanging up or walking out every time my mother started to misbehave before she finally got the message and there are still times i have to do it. She's also a master of the insidious little comment, she'll say something pretending to be motherly and nice that's designed to hurt me and make me feel awful... two examples: When i was 17, 6 months after being violently attacked and receiving a severe cut down the side of my face we were going to a wedding and she asked 'You're not going to wear your hair up are you? You really should cover that, it would be a shame to upset people on such a nice occasion' and two weeks ago while out shopping (why?!) she pauses in the middle of the shop and says 'God, such a shame you've let your teeth get so filthy' (mild staining, i've hardly got a face full of yellow fangs!)

It sounds like your mother does the same thing, says something pretending to be all nice and caring that's designed to hurt and then gets all defensive when challanged.

OMG PT I think we have the same mum, so many things in your post runs so true for me. My mum is the best person at giving cutting little remarks that sound so nice to the outside world but I know what she means.
It's like shit wrapped up in a pretty box with a pretty ribbon.

To the outside she seems such a caring, lovely woman, and she really can be a lot of the time, but my god when she starts at me she really starts at me IYSWIM.

Her thing at the minute is to moan at me for not wanting her to babysit DD for me. It's not that I don't want her to do it, I don't want anyone to do it IYSWIM. I love having DD around and I don't work so I don't need my mum for childcare. Mum cant see that, she thinks that she should have DD all of the time. She constantly refers to herself as mummy and my dad as daddy to DD and I am constantly having to correct her.

She has also said to me that it is a pity that she had to have me to have a grandchild from me But it was said in a jokey way so that I wouldn't be able to take offense and say anything to her about it.