My mum has just told me something about DH which has seriously upset me.

[insertwittynicknameHERE]

A few things happened a couple of weeks ago with DH and I and ended up with us rowing (which we hardly ever do TBH, and I actually started a thread about it lol)

I thought DH and I had dealt with it and moved on, but obviously not.

My mum has had a big go at me today as apparently I am going to loose DH as he said to her that if I don't lighten up soon he will be leaving. Why he has said this to mum and not me I don't know, but either way I have got to deal with it.

Me and mum have had a big barney over this and some other nasty things she has said to me today. I am going to talk to DH about it tonight when he gets home from work.

I believe my mum as she has no reason to lie about this, her and DH get on really well.

Mum has basically told me that I am a nasty piece of work and that I need to stop being sharp with people.

I am (or at least I thought I was) a nice person, obviously not. I know when I am pg, which I am at the minute (34+4) that I can be quite short and sharp with people. I know I do it I just struggle to stop myself sometimes. I thought I had been doing well recently as I have made a very big and conscious effort not to be IYSWIM. Obviously it hasn't been working.

I don't know what to do, I really think that I don't want to be with DH now, but I don't know if it is my hormones clouding my thinking right now. I don't want to do anything rash. Although right now I want to take DD and go and never some back.

If I leave though I have no where to go, I WILL NOT go to my mum and dads and I have no one else who I can ask to take DD and I in. I don't even have any money for a B&B or hotel. All I know is I do not want to be here, I want out.

I agree with 100x. Having said that, I would ignore what your mum said and just talk to your h. I'm sure she had her own agenda for telling you that little snippet.

Good! Your mum is clearly got her own issues and appears to regularly say and do things that upset you. If I was DH and I knew that you and your mum had this relationship, I'd be pretty upset that you then took her word as gospel.

You should tell your DH what your mum said, but not in an accusatory way - tell him that you can't believe he would have said that and you're really upset with your mum and can he clarify the conversation so that you can address it with her. And if you feel it's necessary, you could ask him if he's got some concerns that he's not telling you about or whether he was just blowing off some steam.

Good luck.

I thought everyone was like that during pregnancy to be honest . I know I am - and during the first year of no sleep. I told my DH that it would be really hard this last time (DC3), but to try not to give up on me and that the real, nicer version of me would be back in due course.

Shame you can't inject a powerful of pregnancy hormones into him for the experience.

glad you feel calmer,

How would you feel if it vent his frustration your dh came on an open forum and said 'at this moment i just want to run away and leave her"?
It sounds as if he was telling your mum that he is finding it tough and thinking that she knows you well may have some advice.

Is it just because it is your mum? I mean would you be so angry if he had said something similar to friends?

Maybe you have been a bit short - and maybe he has over-reated to - let things settle for a while with hormones before running away.

Happy woman, that is how I felt though, right or wrong that is how I felt. That is why I came on here to vent my frustration and get some perspective. Which is what I did.

I have to say that I agree with ahundredtimes, I say that because I am 28 weeks pregnant with twins and have had days where I have been pure evil but felt that everyone was being mean to ME!

I was also like it in my 1st pregnancy to the point that dp said he was going to move out the next time I got pregnant

DP also said to my mum he was unhappy and she told me that I was going to push him away and do unrepairable damage if I wasnt careful!!

I understand that it isnt easy to control the snappiness when you are pregnant as I do it myself most days but you also have to understand how hard it must be to be on the recieving end of it, poor dp gets in in the neck off me for not being around and then when he tries to cuddle up with me on the sofa I have told him to piss off before

Maybe telling your mum and her having a go at you wasnt very nice but then again how nice have been to live with lately??

your mum may be saying what she thinks, not what he 'actually' said. It may have been something like this'

your mum, 'well she's been so moody, I don't know how you put up with it, stay with her like that'

your dh 'no, nor do I sometimes'

not what she said in your op iyswim.

talk to dh, and get persepctive, and calm down before you do.

I do understand that it is not nice to be on the receiving end of snappiness hence the reason I have been consciously trying my hardest not to for the last few weeks.
It's not like I am constantly lashing out at them all, I am not. Yes I have my moments but I have been and am trying my god damned hardest not to snap, I really have.

It works both ways though, they can be bloody unpleasant to me sometimes and I bite my tongue cos I understand that people have off days.
They cant have it all their way, it has to be give and take. At least I am trying.

Mothers - you do have to love them

I think ahundredtimes speaks a lot of sense but i'm guessing there's quite a back-story to your tricksy relationship with your mother.

I get on very well with my mother but my sister's relationship is a little more fraught with her. This is largely because my mother feels that sometimes she has to be the person to give out a few 'home truths' as no one else would dare.

I know my sister finds it very upsetting at the time but i find it does make her think about her behaviour a bit - like you its generally being a little umm snappy to her DH.

However don't think she's quite as blunt as your mother.

Do think you should discuss it with your DH and say how hurt you've felt.

Pregnancy is bloody hard though - i'm 32wks with dc3 and just tired all the time which is very dull for everyone including me.

Hope you resolve things

I know what you mean about trying and that its mainly moments as that is exactly how I am, infact dp has said I can be very loving most the time and then just a complete bitch and then 10 minutes later nice as pie again
And I also understand that sometimes they could be alot more considerate,im honestly not trying to have a go and blame everything on you ((hugs))

But I think it would be better to have a calm chat with your DH and your mum about why they are saying these things rather than stomping off and walking away from everyone and try and reach some sort of compromise.

Hi Insertwittynicknamehere

I would agree with FabulousBakerGirl that there are two separate issues here; the relationship with your H and the ongoing troubled relationship with your Mother. You have also expressed a wish to cut her out which is often seen in these situations.
Both are passive aggressive as people, particularly your Mother whom I would also describe as toxic as her awful behaviours are insidious in their onset and makes you question your very own judgment, you end up thinking you're going mad and that you're the bad one when the opposite is infact true. These problems with your Mother have been going on since childhood.

Your Mother may actually actively dislike you precisely because you have achieved a lot in life and resents you for having such opportunities; you worked hard at school, you did not get into trouble with the law, you now have a home, a husband and a child (with another on the way). You did all this and more and its never good enough in her eyes. However, those are her issues and you should not take ownership of them. These people never change and you are not responsible for her.

Also because of the person you are you're harder to control (your brother is easier to control and takes no responsibility for his actions) and she dislikes that intensely. Your brother has been enabled to the nth degree by his Mother (as mine has as well) which does not ultimately do anyone any favours at all. It further encourages dependency. This is all about power and control.

Was not really surprised either to see that your Dad is what is termed a "bystander" with regards to her. I would not actually let him entirely off the hook as he has acted out of his own self preservation and want of a quiet life. He is at fault because he did not protect you fully from her worst excesses.

You may during the next few months want to read "When you and your Mother cannot be friends" and "Toxic Parents" (this is written by Susan Forward).

Hello Insertwittynickname,
This is just a different perspective so read on objectively and I'm not judging you, truly, because I used to be abrasive and tactless (don't know if that translated into snappiness or not)...
I was starting to think along the lines of ahundredtimes. In that it could be you and people will put up with being snapped at only so long(it is degrading to others)-you've said you've been asked to stop and you really need to take that as a heads up and stop it.

Communication can be tricky. If you have a message for someone, tell them in those words- "I have a message for you" and that will help you set your tone for you to be more civil.

But with more info on your mom and your childhood...it begins to explain why you are like that (although does not excuse the behavior). Perhaps your mom never demonstrated civil dialog so you just don't know how. All you know from her is diminishing degradation and the feeling of frustrated anger to defend/justify/validate your existence. And up against someone like your mom, you are just beating your head against a brick wall.

As the years go by, this really adds up. Mix in some passive/aggressiveness from dh-more frustration...and now the pressures of having a youngster and being heavily pregnant...

Whew, your plate is full.

Imho, you have anger.

I think that you should consider counseling for yourself. You need to tend to this, because until you do, you will not be a happy person (and that is happiness that is not depending on what someone else is/isn't doing). You can't be happy if the people around you feel like they have to walk on eggshells, or if you feel like you have to walk on eggshells-that is a clue.

And this will, indeed, affect how you parent your children...so talk to someone for their future, if not your own. I know it is a leap to go into counseling-but your situation is crying out for it-it really is.

I think it would do you good to dramatically lessen the importance of your mother's opinion. No more apron strings- we've determined that her apron stinks anyway, right? What she thinks just should not matter to you anymore p.e.r.i.o.d. That is not to say to cut her out of your life-although the counselor may suggest it because it sounds like it isn't mentally healthy for you to be around her.

This explanation may satisfy your dh some. But I would hold in reserve a comment along the lines of (well, only if it is true): "I blame my mom for degrading me so much, but you have done your fair share, too."

Actively seek/use relaxation techniques-you need to get rid of some of this stress.

Good luck. Resolving childhood issues is a long row to hoe, so to speak, but well worth it thousands of times over.

Attila, I have tried getting the toxic parent and toxic in law book (in regards to FIL) from the library, but to no avail, I think I will treat myself to them and actually buy them lol.

readyfornumber2and3, I am sorry I didn't mean to come across so angry I just feel like I am doing all the compromising at the minute and still getting it in the neck from them.
I cannot talk to DH yet, I am still not in the right frame of mind, although I have calmed down a lot since earlier on I am still on the verge of tears. I need to calm down some more before I can even think of talking to DH.

I think that everyone who has said that DH was probably just sounding off is right, knowing my mum she has probably only heard what she has wanted to and not what has actually been said.

Thank you all.

'In that it could be you and people will put up with being snapped at only so long(it is degrading to others)-you've said you've been asked to stop and you really need to take that as a heads up and stop it.'

As I have said in my other posts I have tried and am actively trying to not snap and to be nice. I don't seem to be making myself understood very well.

You are right, I am angry, in fact I am so angry at the minute I am finding it hard to stop myself exploding. All I want is for the people in my life who are supposed to care for me (as I care for them and love them very deeply) to show me a bit of compassion and understanding as so far I have had none from them. That make me so angry.

I am a civil person, I speak to people civilly but if someone annoys me and upsets me I will usually let them know, apart from my mum and DH because they never listen they will never accept that they have upset me by doing/being or saying something. So I just take it over and over and over and over again, then I snap. On the odd occasions I have told them how I feel I get nothing but nasty names (from mum) and sulking from DH.

Dont worry about coming across angry
If you cant have a good rant on here where can you
I really do understand how you feel with the compromising and I really really have to bite my tongue some days but then I also have days where I know im being a bitch but cant stop myself

It does sound like the main problem is with your mum and I think because DH has involved her it has made the situation feel ten times worse.

Perhaps if you feel snappy for the next few weeks you can come on here and all us heavily pregnant women can just shout and snap at each other lol

readyfornumber2and3, lol, I think MNHQ should start a topic specifically for snapping, shouting, angry pg women. it would probably save some relationships.

lol I think it would have to be an over 18s thread with a major warning lol

I hope you dont think I am making light of your situation,im certainly not meaning to.
Its just I think alot of things can seem out of proportion when pregnant.
I think your mum has definately handled things badly and tbh quite cruelly, whereas it sounds more like your DH has said something thoughtless but innocently and although he needs to be told off for it, it shouldnt be enough to split you up especially as you say that you normally rarely argue x

Hmm. Am a bit concerned that your annoyed DH may have enlisted the support of your unsupportive mother against you.

Not good.

I thought at the time that I was seeing things totally out of context and proportion, since I have calmed down a bit I can see it all more clearly and realize now that my problem is more with my mum than DH.

Don't get me wrong I am still hurt and slightly angry that he didn't speak to me first but understand that he was probably worried that I would shout at him.

It certainly comes across in your posts that you are more upset and angry with your mum and I think that you are totally justified in feeling that way.

I felt hurt when dp spoke to my mum about me in the past but I see now that he was hoping she would talk me round (she is actually very good at making me see things from all sides though) instead of causing another round of rows with me, which to be honest it probably would have lol

Perhaps your DH did it with good intention but its backfired, You need to explain to him how it made you feel but end it there and move on.
Your mum on the other hand is a different kettle of fish and I havent any experience of that kind of behaviour so cant comment but IMO it shouldnt be left to simmer, maybe the books you mentioned earlier would be very helpful though x

I think too that you can blame the hormones.
We once had a friend pop around to complain about his dp who was pregnant and being very unreasonable. He came round for some support - but we told him not be so silly and that it was only the hormones - i think he was a bit cross with us taking her side.
I expect your h just wanted a bit of support - but didnt expect your mum to tell you what he had said.

I think your anger is more about your mother than your DH.

This will have reminded you strongly of the way your mother behaved towards you when you were younger. I know what that anger feels like - I go through spells of it myself.

In fact your mother sounds like mine. I am also fairly certain she hates me - she reckons I competed with her for my father's love, and she can't forgive me for it .

I suspect you are angry with your DH for not recognising the hurt your mother has caused you, and for - on the face of it - endorsing it by ganging up on you with her.

He may not realise how deep this runs.

I am "lucky" in that my DH dislikes my mother (although is very civil), and totally supports me in feeling the way I do about her.

In effect, your DH is being disloyal to you.

I think you need to stop trying to please your mother, possibly put some distance between you and her, and you need to tell your DH how much she hurt you as a child and why it is not ok to go blabbing about your relationship to her.

The second my fol found out i was pregnant he took dp to one side and said;
'She's going to go crazy... absolutely crazy. But remember it's just the pregnancy and not really her and once she has the baby things will calm down and don't let it get to you'

now he was 63 at the time and is an alcoholic who's spent half his adult life in prison or the army so hardly a new age, in touch with emotions kind of man if he can understand that hormones can make a woman a bit nutty and not to take it personally then i refuse to accept that there's anyone alive who can't grasp that concept!

Don't have any advice but I have been threw something similiar and it sucks. You have every right to be angry.

I have just got back in from town, I went early this morning and forgot to take my mobile with me. I have come home to not one but 5 texts from my mum. Not very nice ones either.
I text to say I am home now and I forgot to take my phone with me, she has rang me and shouted at me. I told her to call back when she is not shouting at me.