lost control during a row with dh

[Cantthinkofanamemum]

name changed as I don't really want dh or ow (if she lurks on here) to read.

Just under a year ago I found out that my dh of 19 years had been having a 2 year affair with a family friend. We decided to try and work things out, it's been hard on me, really hard. Wanted to know the details, but it's nearly destroyed me knowing.
Things have been good, sometimes better than they ever were, other times a lot worse. Dh seems to have now developed a scary temper, quick to explode.This has been more noticable this year. He resents having to show affection to me, but this was part of our agreement of trying again.

I knew things were brewing as he kept giving me dark looks, being a bit snappy. But me being me I had to ask what was wrong, this opened the flood gates and he said that all I had done all day was moan (but could only think of 2 examples of me doing so)and he was sick of having to kiss or cuddle me everyday, that he would rather be dead than have to do this every day. Well I'm ashamed to say I slapped his face.
He was of course really mad now and he doesn't lay a finger on me but knows what to say to hurt me the most and started saying how people hated me, workmates etc.
He then went on to say that he was going to get in touch with ow again (this is the first time he has said this) I was so upset and he was daring me to hit him, by coming right up close, taunting me etc, I knew he wanted me to, but was scared as to where it would lead so instead of lashing out, I spat in his face, twice. After that I stayed in our bedroom and cried myself to sleep.
The next morning I put my arm around him and he shrugged me off and got up . He did not speak to me all day.
Why did I do that, I know when he is pushing my buttons, but I still react. I've made things so unbearable at home again

I have to admit, I cannot for the life of me see why you sent him the link to this thread when you stated in your op that you didn't want him to read it by accident

And you have lost yourself some valuable potential advantages now, by showing it to him - anything you do now he will be able to say things like "oh, I suppose they told you to do that on mumsnet, did they?"

You have really shot yourself in the foot there and tbh the only thing you can do now is to give up on the relationship and work out how the 2 of you can go your separate ways with the least amount of trauma.

Oh come off it. Have none of you been so desperately in pain that you would literally do anything to make the other person understand how much they were hurting you and that you werent in the wrong. I think that you are being extremely callous ladies - the op is obviously in that awful place that happens to many of us at the end of abusive relationships where desperation and fear just claws at you and you do things that you know are silly but you cant help yourself.

Op - it was a daft thing to do and it wont change anything but I suspect you already know that. I dont want to hurt you any more then you already are but you MUST sort your head out and get away from him - its only going to get worse.

It was the sheer relief that other people could see what he is doing and the games that he is playing. That it is not all in my mind or me being unreasonable that made me send him a link.I wanted to shock him, make him stop Prettyfly got it.

It's all so mixed up, I can't think straight. How can we begin to sort it out if he isn't speaking to me and tempers are raised so high.
I know that text message slanging matches are so childish.
I'm now just so tired of it all, I feel absolutely exhausted, all this walking on egg shells, I can't see anyway forward at the moment.

blinks, your comments on my opinion of the posters behaviour are not necessary

Of course hitting and spitting are not acceptable behaviour but can you not see how desparately frustrated the OP was at that split-second of time?

have you never lost your temper? Lashed out? Then regretted it afterwards. I clearly think the OP was driven to behave in this way by the calculated and callous approach of the man she still loves so desperately (and, as she is being forced to acknowledge, so futilely...)

it would have been more appropriate (if rather harsh) if you had confined your judgement to the OP and not jumped on another poster who was only trying to offer support (in contrast to your input)

You can go to Relate - together if he will go, or if not then by yourself. They counsel people through ending relationships as well as saving them.

I think you should back away from him. Whatever he is going through or feels, you communicating with him in this way isn't going to help. Concentrate on what you need to do to get through the day/week/month. He might see sense. He might miss you. Who knows? But whatever happens, you will be a stronger and better person for controlling your responses.

'tbh, he got off lightly with a slap and a gobbing'

as if you would have said that if it had been a man spitting on and slapping a woman, regardless of the situation.

oh and my posts were broadly supportive towards the OP.

i'm not interested in your response so i'll leave this thread.

back to the Op. how are you feeling now?

Thing is there is NOTHING you can do to make this man 'love' you. He doesn;t love you. And it's not worth making any more effort to 'make him understand' that he has hurt you. He knows that he has hurt you. He just doesn;t think your feelings are as important as his.
Please, for your own sake, devote your attention to ending the relationship.

Solid and I for once in total agreement. You cant sort things out with him because he doesnt want to. You need to try and get some sleep and then try and work out how you can sort things out for yourself.