lost control during a row with dh

[Cantthinkofanamemum]

name changed as I don't really want dh or ow (if she lurks on here) to read.

Just under a year ago I found out that my dh of 19 years had been having a 2 year affair with a family friend. We decided to try and work things out, it's been hard on me, really hard. Wanted to know the details, but it's nearly destroyed me knowing.
Things have been good, sometimes better than they ever were, other times a lot worse. Dh seems to have now developed a scary temper, quick to explode.This has been more noticable this year. He resents having to show affection to me, but this was part of our agreement of trying again.

I knew things were brewing as he kept giving me dark looks, being a bit snappy. But me being me I had to ask what was wrong, this opened the flood gates and he said that all I had done all day was moan (but could only think of 2 examples of me doing so)and he was sick of having to kiss or cuddle me everyday, that he would rather be dead than have to do this every day. Well I'm ashamed to say I slapped his face.
He was of course really mad now and he doesn't lay a finger on me but knows what to say to hurt me the most and started saying how people hated me, workmates etc.
He then went on to say that he was going to get in touch with ow again (this is the first time he has said this) I was so upset and he was daring me to hit him, by coming right up close, taunting me etc, I knew he wanted me to, but was scared as to where it would lead so instead of lashing out, I spat in his face, twice. After that I stayed in our bedroom and cried myself to sleep.
The next morning I put my arm around him and he shrugged me off and got up . He did not speak to me all day.
Why did I do that, I know when he is pushing my buttons, but I still react. I've made things so unbearable at home again

The dr referred me for counselling, but I only had to see them a couple of times, all they said was that I was being too hard on myself and not giving myself enough time, that was only a couple of months ago I saw them.

I feel strangely calm now.
I do believe that he wants me to be the 'bad one' and end the marraige. Image is so important to him, esp what other people think, he plays the family man so well, as I said before, no-one has a clue what has happened in our marraige.
I'm scared that he will play our boys (11 & 18) as well I've always had a rocky relationship with my elder son. He's always let them have what they want, so course he's the good guy, not mum who will often say no

Well you 18 year old is an adult and can to fair extent look after his own interests in this.

I think it is over, I would be filing for divorce on the grounds of his adultery and tell people that is why it is over. Perhaps many people already know anyway?

At 18 your son is old enough to be told the whole truth I think. Not in a taking sides way, just that you are splitting up because your DH had an affair and things aren't working out. I agree it's a big step, but the way he is treating you isn't sustainable for you I think - it will drive you to unbearable stress and unhappiness and that's not good for your DC either.

It sounds to me as if the good times have been when he's been making a big effort because he's "supposed" to, but it's not his real agenda. You could be so much happier than this and I think, even with the house problems and not being able to move immediately, if you agreed it was over you might both find it a huge relief and start being able to heal (though not as a couple).

As for your "friend" - really you have had a tough time being betrayed by both him and her and I think the fact that you haven't talked about it makes even more stress for you. It helps so much to be able to have a good old bitch to real life friends - honestly. It may be time to set yourself free of all this pretense.

TBH I think your 18 year old will have a good idea that things are far than ok!

Both our sons know all about it, the ow was ds1 best friend from school mum!
He thinks his Dad is a shit for doing it and I'm a stupid cow for not chucking dh out!

I'm terrified that if we agree to end it dh will hook back up with ow,(though he assures me and I think that I believe him that it ended when I found out) then all this pain i've been through will have been for nothing. I honestly don't think that I would be strong enough to know that they were together.

He's torturing you. I slapped my P once after he'd verbally abused me for 2 hours, calling me the worst names imaginable. I'm not sorry at all, and neither should you be. It does sound like he ants you to be the bad one in everyones eyes. Get shot of it,before you have a nervous breakdown.

If they know and they're on your side, then don't be scared he'll "play" them - even 11 is old enough to know when someone's trying to buy favour, and to identify who's really caused all this pain - your DH, not you.

As for him getting back with the OW, yes, that's hard. But see the bigger picture. Can you really bear this situation to go on, being bullied and made miserable, just to keep him out of her clutches? I'd let her have him - he's a cheat and a nasty piece of work, and I'd bet good money they will not end up happy together. You will have the last laugh when you are free to date and, as has happened to others, maybe find love again. It's hard to imagine that now but no one should have to live the way you are living now. When you have this pressure lifted you'll slowly begin to feel positive about yourself again.

And also btw what you've been through won't have been for nothing. You'd be able to end it knowing you'd given it your best shot and he'd been given a generous second chance. If they want to be together, they will and on past record him being with you wouldn't stop him from doing that anyway, I'm afraid.

From your posts I do think you want to end it, you just need support. If you do it you'll get support here of course but what about RL - would family or friends be there for you?

Yes, the slap and spitting were wrong. You know that. But don't beat yourself round the head with knowledge that you did this. You made a mistake - very understandably in the circumstances - and can learn from it. I don't think you'll do it again.

Cantthink, in your posts, you've said the following:

"He resents having to show affection to me, but this was part of our agreement of trying again."

"... he was sick of having to kiss or cuddle me everyday, that he would rather be dead than have to do this every day."

"[He] started saying how people hated me, workmates etc. He then went on to say that he was going to get in touch with ow again."

"The next morning I put my arm around him and he shrugged me off and got up. He did not speak to me all day."

"He has never been truly sorry [about the affair], only sorry that I found out."

If you were reading this on someone else's thread, what would you advise them to do?

His heart isn't in it, as hard as that is to accept. But he isn't doing the honorable thing and ending the relationship respectfully. He is abusing you emotionally, being downright cruel, and pushing you to behave in ways that will leave you consumed with guilt. He is controlling you, and seems rather callous, TBH. As far as I understand, no relationship that has suffered the blow of an affair can be rebuilt without the unfaithful party feeling genuine remorse for what they have done. Remorse is a prerequisite for reconciliation. And he doesn't feel any.

Cantthink, I know you've had the toughest time, and I do really feel for you, with all you've had on your plate in recent years. But I can honestly say you will be better off without this man, even if it hurts like hell to begin with and you can't quite believe it. Being alone will be tough at times and will force you to grow in ways you might resist, but you'll eventually be delighted with the new, free, self-respecting you. And so will your kids. Honest.

I think your sons will respect you a whole lot more for ending it as your dh doesn't have the balls to do it.

Sounds like he's taking the cowards way out. He obviously doesn't want to be with you (sorry), but like many men he doesn't know how to get himself out of a relationship so he just acts with increasing vileness until you do the dirty deed for him.

Save him any more hard work - end it now.

It is totally grim to think of him with OW, but once you are no longer together the reality is that he can and will see other women. And in time to come no doubt you'll meet a new man too. This is right and healthy. Once the initial pain has subsided you will be able to cope fine.

Please don't be one of those couples who stay together for decades despite hating each other, because they're so terrified of allowing each other happiness with anybody else.

Even if he does go back to ow -you arent losing anything. You must never be able to relax waiting for the next torrent of abuse. You cant carry on like this - please for your own sake walk away.

oh my goodness, please reclaim your self respect and end this relationship

tbh, he got off lightly with a slap and a gobbing

he is a cruel man, who does not want to be with you

it sounds like he is pissed off at getting caught and is taking his frustration out on you

why are you allowing him to blame you?

why are you appeasing him

let him go

if he goes to her, or some other woman, that is his choice and does not invalidate all the pain you have already endured

I cannot see this situation improving, every day you put up ith this shit erodes his respect for you

even if the domestic circs are difficult, you have to distance yourself from this man before he destroys you

fuck, I want to kill him for you

Bumping to reactivate your thread.

And hoping you are okay.

Look after yourself.

spitting and hitting is awful, no matter how verbally abusive he is. you know that though.

i think you have both crossed a line.

and to have to negotiate being shown basic affection is soul destroying stuff.

Nothing is more demoralising or damaging to your self-esteem and mental health as trying to force a reluctant partner to love you. You really need to end this relationship right now. He is a spineless twat and a selfish one for not having made a clean break and treated you with consideration in doing so, but trying to hang on to him is just going to make you utterly miserable and is doomed to failure.
You will start to feel better the minute you accept and say out loud that this relationship is overm because then you can start working towards the future.

Of course he wants you to have an affair - that would give him the perfect excuse to end your marriage and behave with outraged dignity about it all! Currently he is in the position of having been caught out and having to say sorry - over and over and over. Guilt for being caught (doesn't sound like he's worred about having hurt you) makes him behave worse - people can't stand feeling guilty and always try to offload it by blaming someone else for it.

Hard though it will be, you really do have to let him go, regardless of what he chooses to do. And by let him go I mean kick him out. But not yet - be very aware that you have assaulted him and he could quite easily get you arrested for it.

Could I suggest that you stop seeking affection from him? He clearly resents it and if he is forced to do it, will end up resenting it more and hating you for making him do it. "Affection" given unwillingly hardly counts anyway.

Step away from him, mentally and physically - start to accept that it is over and that he has moved on, and now you have to as well. Don't be angry about it, be sad if you need to but accept it.

for you, really, especially if you are "trapped" in the same house. But it can be done - a friend of mine's sister divorced her bullying policeman husband when her boys were 9 and 12 - and didn't tell them until they were 18 and 21. They lived under the same roof, barely spoke to each other, slept in different rooms - but she was safe from him because they weren't married (he had subjected her to marital rape amongst other indignities) - and they managed this for 9 years. I don't think the boys were that impressed, tbh - they couldn't understand why she put up with him either. Perhaps your 18yp will regain some respect for you if you do stand up for your rights as a human being and take control of this situation, instead of running after your H like a puppy begging to be liked. Sorry, that was way harsh, but that is what it reads like.

I also agree that he wants to end it but doesn't want to appear to be the bad guy. If you end it, he can say things like, I know I was wrong to do what I did but I stayed to make it work and it was just too damaged etc etc.

It sounds like he is purposefully sabotaging any chances of success. Yes it may be okay sometimes, but it as if he then realises this is not what he wants so behaves like a twat idiot so that fights start, you behave badly and he is then justified in his thoughts that the marriage is beyond repair, reinforces his belief that he doesn't love you etc.

For your sanity, I think you have to leave/tell him to leave (I haven't read all the posts in depth but I understand there are house issues).

I think its great when couples try to stay together after an affair but sometimes, I can't help but think that a sort of separation is inevitable before things can improve or end fully.

Not in all instances obviously, but in my personal experience, I was once with a person who cheated, we agreed to make it work, he was similar to your dh - blowing hot & cold and we separated. The time apart was what was required. I moved on, then he realised what he had done while we were apart and after 4 months apart we worked it out and gave it another go and all the messing around stopped.

Not saying this is what will happen but neing together is just NOT working for you. If it is reaching the posint where spitting etc is occuring then it is just not healthy to stay together right now.

Morning and thanks for your many replies, they realy have helped.

As he was still not speaking to me yesterday I sent him a text saying that I give up, but wasn't sure how we were going to go about it with neither of us willing to leave our home and asking him to at least be civil to me.
He still wasn't talking to me when he came home from work.

Before I left for work last night (I work nights) I sent dh an email with a link to this thread, knowing that he would use the computer when I was at work. He wasn't amused, that's putting it lightly and he text me an abusive message, telling me to f* off and that if he had somewhere to go he would F**k me right off, who the hell did I think I was?
This morning when I returned home he had left for work early.

I also printed a copy of this thread and showed it to the girls at work, who as I guessed were really shocked, but very supportive and couldn't believe that I had not said anything earlier.
As we were trying to make things work between us I couldn't see the point of telling people cause they would hate him and look at him differently, also I feel ashamed for loving him still, even after all the pain he has caused me.
Thank you for taking the time to reply to this thread. I have been shocked at how strongly many of you feel about the state of my marraige,.I realise that you have not meant it cruely. It's been a bit of a "wake up call"
I tend to overthink things and have thought that most of what I was feeling was due to this, but it appears a lot of you are thinking the same thing.

Cantthink - good for you. And if he gets together with the OW he will merely be flaunting his shame and guilty little secret to everyone.

wishing you all the best for the future. I'm sure that he's not impressed that everyone who knows what is going on can see right through the games that he is playing!!!

Good luck cantthink.

Agree with others the marriage either needs to change enormously or end. My first thought on reading was the same as thumbwitch- that if he treats you badly enough maybe he thinks you'll leave because he doesn't have the balls to do it himself. In taking the reins and ending it yourself you'll find out whether he has any desire to keep going. I suspect you'll be happier ending it, he would need to change a lot for it to ever work and it doesn't sound as if he has the inclination to put that work in.

Your son sounds a good one. Must have been awful shock for him too as it was his friend's mum.

anyfucker- you're bang out of order.

to hit and spit at someone because you don't like what they've said to you is horrendous and if the gender roles were reversed in this story, the comments on this thread would be alot stronger.

i can understand the OP's frustration and anger towards her husband as he is a KNOB (just in case you read this- you really are a nasty bastard) but to react like that loses her any moral ground.

showing him this thread strikes is pretty childish in my opinion.

i would suggest you learn how to communicate your feelings more effectively. you have children with this man and the way your BOTH behaving will ultimately have a detrimental effect on them. i understand this is the fallout from his affair but you do have choices... even if behind the scenes your sticking pins in a voodoo doll, you should be thinking of setting up a workable situation for the future.

strikes ME as pretty childish

Yes what on earth possessed you to show him this thread? You both seem bent on destruction.