Hi all,
To cut a very long story short, I was sexually and physically abused by my father and ignored by my mother during my childhood. I haven't spoken to my father for years, having decided he was 'evil' and beyond redemption.
My mother, i find it harder to know how to feel towards her as she wasn't particularly bad, but she also wasn't particularly good to me either. Its a lack of parenting rather than an actual wrong doing if that makes sense. I have not spoken to her for several years, but have recently tried to re-connect to her via email by sending a 'confrontation letter' as per Toxic Parents book that many of us have.
She eventually replied with this:
'At the moment I am relatively pain free but I expect to be very ill again in a few months as my body gets used to the painkillers again - so now is the best time to get this stuff out.
Ok here goes - but the stuff still gives me nightmares so be prepared.
Firstly, you were a planned baby and all of my life I have dedicated myself to give you the best future that I could. This means that I did not want to end up stuck on benefits as most single parents were then. It was not so easy to be a singe parent then.
When I became pregnant I was still working, managing the Little Chef, which was a difficult job, involving me being on my feet a lot. At about 4 months pregnant I was becoming ill and very tired. Derrick (I want use this name again - DJ instead), started to become difficult. I was the main breadwinner - earning 3 times what DJ did so it was important that I kept working as long as possible. DJ did not do the housework, cooking etc. At 5 months pregnant, we wanted the baby room and kitchen decorated. He would not do the baby room so I did that after work. After much nagging from myself he agreed to do the kitchen - which was large. I came back from work one evening and he had decorated exactly half of the kitchen and demanded that I complete the rest. He has started hitting and abusing me at this time. I was made to climb up the ladder and start painting which I had to do whilst DJ went and sat in the lounge watching TV. I fell of the ladder because of my pregnancy and because I was tired and unwell. He came into the kitchen saw me on the floor and started kicking me in the stomach and vagina - stating that my pregnancy had made me useless. He spent some time kicking and abusing me and I started to lose blood. I asked for an ambulance but he took the phone and left me in the kitchen, where I stayed until the morning. After he left for work, I was able to call an ambulance and I was blue lighted into hospital. I was put into a coma in order to keep the baby and stayed in there from August for a month or two. When I was sent home, I was again beaten and I think that the aim was to abort the baby. That afternoon I went shopping to get some food and the doctor saw me in Sainsbury's. He called the ambulance straight away and I was again blue lighted into hospital. There I stayed in a coma until I went into labour. I was in labour for 3 days. On the second day, your father was physically removed from the hospital because he was being abusive to me whilst I was in labour - demanding that I hurry up and do something that any women could do! After 3 days, I had a beautiful baby girl, who I then vowed, I would protect for ever more.
When I came home on 24th December, DJ had totally changed. I had postnatal depression, which is quite common after such a difficult birth, but looking after you and protecting you became my sole reason for living. During this period the abuse became really bad and I really wanted to get away. At that time such matters were caused "domestics" and the police did not intervene. Abuse was not seen as something that was discussed. I went to the doctors whenever I could. One Indian doctor told me to go home and forgive him. The social services at that time concentrated on removing the baby rather than help with abuse. I concentrated all my time on protecting you and ensuring that you were not taken into care and recovering from a major operation and have eclampsia. During this period real abuse began. Some of them are:
Wrapping a phone cable around my neck and then ripping the phone off the wall and smashing it into my face - that is the scar between my eyes and two scars on my forehead. This is because I was calling my mother. My parents gave me little support and did not believe that I was being abused.
Rammed a wardrobe into me at great force.
Ditto a sofa - both extremely painful.
Grabbing me by the hair and running around the large, long corridor, banging my head against a wall.
Strangling me until I passed out - I often had large bruised around my neck and have lost one on my vocal chords because of this.
Frequently raping me and sexually abusing me - which in those days was not illegal. Now it is called rape.
Frequently verbally abusing me kicking me to the floor.
I have a lot of burn scars from cigarettes and small scars all over my body.
Many more that are buried, far worse and I don't want to talk about.
After he kicked me to the floor - wearing steel toed shoes he held you (a little baby of a few months) and telling you how pathetic I was. at this time, I had had enough, knew that he would only get worse, so I decided to divorce. A matter that I knew would cause even more problems.
When the papers were served on him, he became worse. He decided that I belonged to him, as did everything else. He started locking me in the house. He nailed all the windows shut and disabled the car. He changed the locks and locked me in the house with you. The beatings became worse but I always protected you and he never touched you.
One day he went completely mad (in all senses) and decided he did not want me in the house any more so he physically threw me out, holding you. I had no money, no clothes, nothing except what we had. I walked with you the two miles into town and went into the Salvation Army. They looked after me and fed us both. After a few days, they contacted my parents and they agreed to help (they had not wanted to help before, as they did not want me to divorce, saying it was all my fault). I stayed with them a few days in one of the flats. We were then given a bed and breakfast room and the Salvation Army gave me a few clothes and toys for you as well as nappies. I think you were about 6 months old. We had to leave at 7 am until 7pm and it was deep snow. We spent a lot of time in the library where I read to you. Generally walking around and eating where we could. The social came up with emergency money for us. My bank accounts had been cleared out by DJ. This was our poorest and I missed out on buying you all the beautiful things I wanted to.
The divorce was contentested all along for over 3 years. He wanted you and I would not let him have you. The cruelty was denied. We were sent to Relate where he attacked me during the counselling. This was reported to the courts. Courts were very pro men at that time. During court hearings he stated that I was amongst other things, gay, drug taker and unfit mother as well as being mad. All of these had to be proven wrong and all were said to ensure that I could not keep you. Similarly he did not want to lose any money or the house or cars. He stated that I had left the house so I should lose them all. I was doing everything I could to keep you. During one of the reports on me I was sent to a physiatrist to see if I was mad - the physiatrist stated that I was fine, but DJ was a psychopath - which meant that he had little concept of right or wrong and had a totally different view of life to most people. He used violence to make me conform to his view of life. He was trying to live as his father - his mother was not allowed a life!
I gained the house for us to live in after about 18 - 24 months. When we left the B&B to get into the house, I discovered that it had been trashed. A sledgehammer had been used on all the walls, wallpaper torn off, fittings taken, cupboards wrenched off the walls, gas fires ripped out and the gas left on. The kitchen, including cupboards and cooker had been ripped out and the place was infected. I called the environment office and they condemned the house, so back to the B&B we went while they fumigated it and the gas board and electric board made it safe. A week later we moved in to a cold shell without any furniture or cooker. Again the Salvation Army helped us.
The next couple of years were spent in court sorting out access. I did not want to give it to him. It went right up to the High Court in London, before I had some kind of control over it. He also tried to snatch you several times, giving several cases of car chases until I could get to the police station. I stopped access whenever I could but if I stopped access, then the social came in and the courts threatened to give you to DJ. at about 6 years of age you began to react very badly to access and I again stopped it. Social came in again and threatened me with court, but you were luckily old enough to say that you did not want to go to him. I promised you, that if you told them the truth, I would try my best to stop access. I explained it to you in terms that you could understand at that age. Back again to High Court and I managed, with the social, to stop all access until you stated that you wanted to see DJ. This was kept to you and you never did ask. Several times DJ asked to see you and went back to court. Every time I had to stop him again. I got several restraining orders against him, because he was chasing me and threatening me in the street. He made one snatch on you and put me into a wheel chair with damaged discs in my back - this was done with his steel tipped boots. I finally got you cleared when you were in Royal Russell after he had become abusive at the school. The police removed him and you never knew.
During this period, my whole life was dedicated to protecting you from a mad, extremely volatile man, fighting the social and the courts who insisted that a man was entitled to see his daughter.
From the you age of 0 to 2 we were below the breadline. At that time social was paid minus maintenance regardless of whether it was received or not. It rarely was. We lived a lot on rice and were very poor.
At that stage I took the decision that rather than live on benefits and give you that kind of life, I would go to university so that I could get a good job and make a life for us.'
What I don't think she realises is that I went through alot of the same torment, but I was a child and couldn't leave. I feel let down that she didn't help me more. In fact, she moved in with another violent man, who, when he got drunk would beat me in front of his own children, all the time, giving them a long speech about how useless I was and how I deserved it.
Now my issue is... should I see her as another victim of the same man who ruined my life and offer her some kind of forgiveness or stay with my previous viewpoint that although not as evil as him, she still let me down badly?
This has totally knocked me for six and I feel like I need to come to some kind of resolution in my head in order to put this whole thing in the past where it belongs and stop it affecting my future.
Any help or advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation or just some advice from a neutral point of view would be very much welcome.
Thank ladies.
xXx