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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this verbal abuse?

31 replies

HoneySocks · 03/06/2009 20:21

My husband is having a go at me tonight and has just left the room after shouting at me for about an hour - i just ignore him totally as he does this a lot and then changes after a bit to being nice again. anyway just walked out of the room saying 'when you are older you will be an old slapper and i will look at you and think what a stupid c*t you are, what a silly c*t you really are.' i want to cry but i know i am better than all this and why get upset? we have two little girls and i have decided not to go despite four years of this as i couldnt bear him to have the kids part time. anyway would like any response please.

OP posts:

motherlovebone · 03/06/2009 20:23

Yes it is.
What a tosser.

norksinmywaistband · 03/06/2009 20:25

It is verbal abuse and not acceptable, You seriously need to think if you want your DC exposed to this.

poshsinglemum · 03/06/2009 20:30

I would say to him;

''Well I look at you now and I see a stupid twunt. I don't need to wait.''

Seriously- I am disgusted by what he said to you. hugs.

mrsboogie · 03/06/2009 20:33

I am sorry - it is very abusive. I don't understand why you would say that you won't go because you don't want him to have them part time - how is it better that they hear this kind of thing all the time?

GypsyMoth · 03/06/2009 20:33

Definitely is verbal abuse. How often is he like this? Where are the DC? Do they ever hear this?

Original poster

HoneySocks · 03/06/2009 20:41

thanks for your messages, its good to have a perspective on it all.
he is like this perhaps every 2/3 weeks and the mood can last for weeks or days. he does shout viciously in front of the kids ,at me not them but doesnt use the extrene swear words. i tell him that the girls dont want to hear him shouting and that we can discuss after they are in bed (they go down early and are great sleepers) but he still does it. i hate it and would leave like a shot but the rest of the time he is nice enough and we rub along ok as long as i ignore the abusiveness and act like nothing has happened.i think counselling could help but cant afford it not at the moment.

OP posts:

dizietsma · 03/06/2009 20:43

Yes, it is verbal abuse, no it is not acceptable.

You absolutely must not allow your girls to grow up in this atmosphere. Can you imagine what it's doing to them?

You both need to get to Relate and work it out.

dizietsma · 03/06/2009 20:44

Relate is sliding scale fees, should only cost a fiver, if you're broke.

motherlovebone · 03/06/2009 20:45

I think womans aid could help.
theres a good chance your daughters will end up with men like him.
dont you/they deserve more?
if your daughter wrote this post, what would you be advising her to do?

mrsboogie · 03/06/2009 20:51

This could damage your daughters horribly. It could make them subconsciously believe that this is the way that women are treated by men. Even if they hate hearing it and know its wrong they could end up repeating the pattern and living with men who treat them the same.

If you left him he would not be in a position to abuse you like this in front of them and it would be better for them.

It sounds like the man doesn't have any respect for you. Why would you put up with this?

Original poster

HoneySocks · 03/06/2009 20:52

motherlovebone, my dad was like this too. i will try womens aid. i think if it was one of my girls i would advise her to focus on staying calm and get some professional help for them both before making the decision to leave or not.
have just rung relate to ask about reduced fees - left message. thank you all.

OP posts:

Jux · 03/06/2009 20:58

Your children are going to grow up believing that a normal relationship is one where they get shouted at and abused for hours by their partners. You really want that for them do you?

Original poster

HoneySocks · 03/06/2009 21:04

Of course not jux , anything but, but i dont want that sort of person having perhpas shared custody of the kids, as it is he works a lot and so mostly it is me and the kids.

OP posts:

motherlovebone · 03/06/2009 21:07

well done HoneySocks, you could leave as well as attempt counselling, but its the leaving that will make the difference for your little ones.
there is a chance it could get worse if you talk about leaving or stand up for yourself.
could you not leave and get help for you first? then you could take more control of the relationship, whilst knowing your daughters will not be exposed to their fathers appalling behaviour.
its not easy, but it can be done.

FabulousBakerGirl · 03/06/2009 21:09

Yes it is

What do you mean you don't want him to have the kids part time? only part time or even part time

Btw fast forward a few years and your kids are being called cunts. What would you advise them to do?

motherlovebone · 03/06/2009 21:10

also you will get legal advice/representation, access could be supervised if you wanted on the basis of what you have said here.
your daughters would be protected.

dittany · 03/06/2009 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

HoneySocks · 03/06/2009 21:20

fab - even part time, i think that he would be really annoyed if split and i would miss them too.
thanks motherlove - i will think on your words, i guess i dont want to mess kids about having to leave our home perhaps to come back etc etc - he wont go, we have tried this before- but that must be weighed against the damage his shouting abuse does , i know. feels like a trap really .

OP posts:

FabulousBakerGirl · 03/06/2009 21:23

not a reason to stay with a prick

motherlovebone · 03/06/2009 21:25

i dont think the children would mind leaving and coming back (though i think you would probably never look back...) you have to start putting the girls first, they cant do it for themselves

dittany · 03/06/2009 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

HoneySocks · 03/06/2009 21:35

yes he does push and threaten, as you say getting in my way. he smashed up my camcorder a few months back (kids were sleeping)but next morning - remorse, bought a new one blah blah. it comes in cycles and i can see the pattern more clearly now as it is quite regular.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 03/06/2009 21:53

it's good you can see the pattern, can you also see that it will get worse as time goes on?

Original poster

HoneySocks · 03/06/2009 22:02

not sure mrsboogie - i know that is what does happen but find it hard to believe, form of denial i guess.however as of today i will work on that basis.
off to bed now, all this leaves me exhausted - thanks all for your kind and insightful replies, couldnt have asked for more.

OP posts:

mumonthenet · 03/06/2009 22:08

honey, your basic high self-esteem will make you put up with this for longer than you should.

you know when he talks like this it's a load of rubbish and (whilst it upsets you) you choose to ignore it.

the trouble is, ignoring it is not the way to go. You need to let him know, now, urgently, clearly, and inequivocably, that that you will not accept being spoken to like this.

If leaving him is the only way to get this across - and it probably will be the only way - then leave you must. Really, really, believe me.

So carry on down the womensaid route - it's the right one.

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