Do most men want sex from the word go?

[sparkybint]

I'm newly single (posted recently about coping with the break-up) and am not thinking about dating anytime soon. I know I'll come out of this stronger though (already feel a whole lot better) and will be thinking about finding some male company in a little while. I'm 51 and divorced so not really looking for marriage/living together, probably ever. What I'd like eventually is a long-term and committed relationship where we live separately and don't spend every waking moment together! But to start with I just want to be dating and enjoying meeting new people.

I'm concerned about having sex too soon though. I've finally learnt that having sex with someone new too early on can be a disaster for me; then I get attached and can't see the wood for the trees and stay with men who are bad for me. So this time I'm determined to get to know a man as well as I can before I even consider sleeping with him. How long that might take I don't know.

My question is, are there are many men who'd be happy to wait until a woman's comfortable or whether the majority will give up after just a few dates? I so want to change the habit of a lifetime and get to know someone really well before great chemistry blinds me to everything else. Answers from men especially welcome!

I reckon that the answer to the question in the title to the thread is "yes!". Surely that's the case for women too. Isn't it? But I do think that waiting can be very exciting, as well as giving you a good chance to get to know each other. As long as it's for genuine reasons (and not, as mentioned before, part of some silly game from The Rules) then what's the problem? If someone isn't respectful enough to wait until the other person is comfortable then they're not worth it. I dumped loads of blokes in my youth because they were rushing me (no experience of doing it while older as I met DH at 26).

Yes af i am, BUT the other is on behalf of somone who i think may come on here so have tried to post incognito but didnt know how to name change.
The other is happening to some one very close to me who is soley relying on me for help and i just dont know what to do, so posted it in the 1st person.
Tis confusing im very sorry but was desperate for advice for her. The answers have been very very helpful, and i dont think that i will be outed. New some one would pick up on it.
So ths thread is me and the other is for someone else, are you with me? Sorry, hate bieng misleading but put that one up then this thread drew my eye.

I don't know about your other thread endless, but the other other thread you are on is interesting with regard to this subject.

Betadad, it has nothing to do with morality with me either. Just respecting the other person and myself (from now on hopefully). I still get calls from tearful friends who've just slept with some guy who they've only known five minutes and then they never hear from him again.

I do so never want to go there again.

Stick to your guns sparky, there are some lovely men out there

sparky i'm good thanks,still happily single and tbh just enjoying going out when it suits me
like you i don't want 24/7 atm as i really value my own space and life with the dc
how are you feeling generally about things now?

i've had a few relationship where i'm happy to "put out" pretty quickly, but these were relationships which would be purely based on sex tbh. due to my work commitments or distance (me and them working abroad at various points in my life)

none of these relationships were ever meaningful. simply "scratching an itch so to speak"

however, if i'm seeing someone and have an idea i want to take it more seriously and embark down the road of a full time proper relationship,where i really connect, i have waited. not months. but until i'm sure they're going to be sticking around.

there are plenty of men out there who will respect and wait till your ready. and if they dont there not worth spending anymore of your time on them tbh.

my nm made it clear he would take a friendship till i was ready. then once he was nm he made it clear he would wait as long as i wanted for sex....

needless to say this wonderful attitude meant he wasn't waiting very long

That's nice Ridingjoker, he seems a good 'un. I suppose you can't put a time limit on it, but it has to feel right.

I'm good thanks blondie, and glad to hear that you're embracing the single life. I have a feeling I'm beginning to again as well....Had a lovely night with DD yesterday, the best for ages because I was totally focussed on her and not waiting for my prat of an ex to find time in his busy schedule on YouTube to text me. Are you dating at all?

i also make it clear with anyway who i'm waiting with that i'm not doing as a game. i'm very frank that i'm doing it to be comfortable and respected by them.

there is no time limit. if you feel you KNOW he's in it for long haul then go for it once your ready. could be 1 week. could be 1 yr

sparkybint/ridingjoker - yes, what you both said is right. I was struggling with how to express that idea earlier.

Its not about 'not doing it until the third date' or whatever artificial time limit one might think up. It is probably about how the man behaves more than anything else.

I think it is possible for a woman to KNOW by asking the following question:

If I do not have sex with this man today - will he still be just as interested in being nice to me and being my friend tomorrow?

If the answer is no, or not sure, then it is always no to sex. If it is definitley yes, then there is no reason to wait unless there are other factors that you want to get comfortable with first. Maybe too simplistic but it is encompassed by what you said ridingjoker:

"my nm made it clear he would take a friendship till i was ready. then once he was nm he made it clear he would wait as long as i wanted for sex....

needless to say this wonderful attitude meant he wasn't waiting very long"

I suppose, as a man I would want to ask the same question the other way round.

sorry endless, like I said, I don't want to badger you

fair play to you, carry on

twas a bit confusing though

NO!!!!!!!!

Most men want sex from the word HI

No seriously, DH wanted but waited as did I

Weirdly I think most men (or perhaps it was just my DP) want sex from the start IF they're not that interested in the relationship (sorry, massive generalisation I know).

My DP had one night stands before he met me but was clear that he wanted no more than that right from the start.

When we met we waited (he even sent me home the one night as it was getting a bit 'frisky'), because he actually wanted a relationship and was therefore nervous about 'the act' and wanted to make sure we were in it for the long haul.

I waited with him because I liked him and also was therefore nervous, if that makes sense. Still together 3 years on.

There again I put out on the first night with my ex and we were together 7 years!

The thing is riding, I really felt I knew my ex DP was in it for the long haul so slept with him early on. It felt so right but a year on, he's let me down so badly. So don't know if I can trust my own judgement at all. Perhaps it would be better if I just forget about men altogether

sparkly - there's nothing to say either of you wont change your mind somewhere down the line about just how far the relationship is going to go.

as long as you feel you made the right choice at the time so you have no regrets.

i'd say your judgement is fine. 1 yr is not exactly a 1 night stand?

was it a 1 year relationship which was full? or 1 yr of meeting for random sex??

if it was a proper bf/gf relationship where you were respected and not just used for sex then what you did wasn't necessarily wrong.

but if you feel you did jump in too quick, then you will definately have to wait for the next one..... as there's no way you could be ready and comfortable with this nm if you are wondering if he's going to do a runner.

wait till you and no longer wondering, and you are sure. which will take longer i'm guessing to to your past experience

Interesting that people on here generally don't wait if it's only for sex and do if wait it's more meaningful. That's completely contrary to my experience - DH and I couldn't wait to get our hands on each other, but obviously have more than that going on.

(just as well when I was out of action for over 2 years due to childbirth injuries )

hi sparky!
yeah still doing the online bit when it grabs me!seeing a bloke at the weekend!
when are you hopping over to the 'fit' thread on lp's?
would be lovely to see you!

Oooh yes, will hop over blondie, and think about going online in a while but not yet. So are you just going on the occasional date then? Have you not met anyone you want to see more than once? It's so good to know what other people are up to!

Riding, it was a full-on as a long distance relationship could be - we lived 4 hours apart and only saw eachother every other weekend but it was very intense. He asked me to marry him after 4 months and I unwisely agreed but at least we didn't make any plans. I have a lovely ring now on my right hand, no way am I going to stop wearing it. But I've come to the conclusion he was a fantasist and although he might have meant the things he said at the time, no way was he in a position to follow through. In fact he let me down loads of times from the beginning and I chose to ignore the warning signs. And next time, you're right, I need to be sure about a man and in no way wondering if he's going to disappear.

good stuff lol
well i did have that thing for a couple of months with that horrible LDR man
since then i have just been out as and when,tbh i just lose interest v.quickly and move on accordingly
fickle eh?
have only met one man that i am seriously into but that's still a work in progress iyswim,we saw each other again recently

this is an interesting thread as I have just had a revelation!

for me the most serious\best sort of relationships that I have had with is always with people that I had become friends with first!

DP and I did it on the third date. It worked for us and we have a very happy relationship. I can't quite see what 'waiting' would have brought to the party in our particular case.

I do remember that before doing anything at all we had a conversation about how we really liked each other and weren't messing around.

It's great to wait until you feel 'ready' in a relationship, and sure the other is committed to a relationship with you, but it would be wrong to say that people who don't want, or need, to wait, are lacking this readiness.

I find all this slow burn stuff very puzzling - I think most people know fairly quickly if a relationship is going anywhere. Slept with my DH on the night we met and are still together and very much in love 25 years later. I can't understand why people try to link self worth and confidence etc. into sexuality - it only clouds the issues. I have two sons and have tried to intil in them that they should be kind and considerate in their relationships with girls (in due course) but you really do risk messing up your head a great deal when the issue is do you like and trust and fancy someone enough to have sex with them and not are you a worthy well behaved person.

Glad it turned out well for you higgle and makipuppy. I'm not saying it's wrong not to wait (far from it - I've gone for it all my life!) but I do think luck must come into it and you were both extremely fortunate to meet good men.

I can't take the risk again of falling for someone before I really know them and that's why I've decided to hold off. As far as I'm concerned there's no way you can know and instincively trust someone you've only just met. You may like them and fancy the arse off them but that's a different matter altogether. It has nothing to do with whether YOU are a worthy well-behaved person. It has to do with making wise choices FOR YOU.

Sparkybint I don't think it was any fluke, more that at 38 I had worked out what and who I wanted.

I definitely agree you should feel comfortable and secure before getting physical. When this happens is down to the person.

But I do think you can trust someone very early on, as I did. I do trust my instincts. It was when I didn't trust them that I made all the mistakes.

I wouldn't keep seeing someone if I didn't feel I trusted them - with or without sex. I've fallen in love through friendship several times, but never managed to regain the momentum when it became something more.

For me, relationships involve faith in the spark between you.

I think it's brilliant that you're taking it slow, and that it's making you feel more secure. It's obviously the best thing for you, and I wish you all the best with it.

I suppose what I mean is, when I look back at past relationships where I was hurt and let down, I can see what was wrong and I trust myself not to turn a blind eye to such things again. When I met somebody I thought was special, we intertwined our lives completely from the outset, not just in sex, but in every area of our lives. Yes I listened and I analysed, myself and him, and only grew surer.

I add this because I really don't want to seem as if I am contradicting you, I do know how it is to feel the past will repeat itself. I'm sure DP would have waited for sex, but I don't think, if he'd asked me why, I would have known quite what to say, because everything we were sharing was as intimate and telling as sex.

Gosh I'm really going on now, all the best in your new relationship, he sounds lovely.