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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

i have just told dh to go to his mums for a bit

35 replies

BONKERZ · 01/06/2009 16:29

i have had enough.

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 01/06/2009 16:37

What's going on? You sound totally fed up

Original poster

BONKERZ · 01/06/2009 17:27

well he has gone.

been going round and round in circles for months, we fight , it gets better for a few weeks then we go right back to square one. we are both at fault i know that, im not perfect but DH depression is now dragging me down and i feel i cant support him because i have no support. when we try to talk he turns everything round and acts like the victim. he snaps at the smallest thing. im walking on egg shells.

problem is now we havent argued but just not spoken for a whole day and i told him earlier i didnt know how to ake him happy, he said he was fed up, i said maybe we need a break and he just got up packed a bag told the kids he was going to his mums cos mummy doesnt want him here and he left.

i dont know what this means and i dont know what to do.

OP posts:

Unicornvomit · 01/06/2009 17:28

thing is, you can;t make him happy, it is not your responsibility to make him happy

is he getting help with his depression?

are you depressed?

BitOfFun · 01/06/2009 17:33

Oh god you poor thing! You need some time and space to recharge, I guess. Can you invite a friend over for a glass of wine and a good comedy film? Before you do any thinking about the future you need a bit of a rest, regroup a bit. So sorry you're having such a shit time- keep posting and have a hug!

Original poster

BONKERZ · 01/06/2009 17:34

he has been getting help with his depression since june last year, he has been on tablets since then. In march he took 6 weeks off work on sick and we decided he needed to go from manager to deputy manager so despite it being a huge financial burden we took the decision to drop 8.5k a year so he would be less stressed. He went back to work 4 weeks ago as deputy manager but nothing has changed, if anything we are now more stressed as have no money!

OP posts:

Original poster

BONKERZ · 01/06/2009 17:37

thanks guys. i feel numb. at the moment i dont know if i have the energy to fight, i dont knwo if i love him because i just fell numb. im trying to keep it together for the kids and just need to get to bedtime with them. they saw daddy leave and daddy told them he was going cos he wasnt wanted here. DD who is 3 has already asked why daddy has gone to nannas and DS who is autistic has asked if daddy will be home to read him a story tonight. i cant answer their questions cos i dont know the answer.

OP posts:

Overmydeadbody · 01/06/2009 17:44

It was very wrong and immature of him to leave in that way, emotionally getting the kids involved like that. What a twat.

As someone already said, it's not your responsibility to make him happy. That's his domain. It's your responsibility to keep yourself happy.

Don't fight, life's too short. If it's not working it's not working.

Unicornvomit · 01/06/2009 17:47

is he getting any other help other than meds?

it was wrong of him to involve the children

regardless of him being depressed, he cannot blame his bad behaviour on that

he needs to take responsibility

Original poster

BONKERZ · 01/06/2009 17:49

so what do i do now? i dont know whats happening. do i go to the council about a house? do i look to rent privately and find somewhere and leave? i cant stay in this house as would never be able to afford the mortgagae and it wouldnt get paid for me.
DH has no money, we owe about 7k in dept and have no savings.

OP posts:

OrmIrian · 01/06/2009 17:50

How cruel to say that to your DC .

If possible can you just leave him to stew for a while. Concentrate on you and the DC.

Unicornvomit · 01/06/2009 17:51

if this is it and there is no chance of reconciliation you need to go to the CAB and maybe seek legal advice.

you might also want to go to teh DSS etc

Unicornvomit · 01/06/2009 17:52

relate? mediation?

Overmydeadbody · 01/06/2009 17:52

Do you own the house? Or jointly own it?

If so, you'd need to look into selling it.

I think what you need to do tomorrow morning is go to CAB, they will be able to advice you on what is best for you in your circumstances.

Original poster

BONKERZ · 01/06/2009 17:55

he owns the house, my name is not on mrotgage and never has been and i certainly wouldnt get it on my own, he lived here 8 years before he met me.

OP posts:

Overmydeadbody · 01/06/2009 18:09

You're married though BONKERZ, I think you will still be entitled to something.

GO to CAB, and also make an appointment to see a family lawyer, I tihnk you can get a 30 minute free consultation.

Unicornvomit · 01/06/2009 18:10

i imagine you would be entitled to legal aid, he is legally supposed to house you and the children, he ccna;t just walk and forget about you all

see a lawyer

Original poster

BONKERZ · 01/06/2009 18:13

i will go CAB in morning and see what they say. thanks guys. Its so tough, i almost feel trapped by it all and can see no way out.
I dont know whats going to happen. Right now i cant see a future because i cant see how we will change this cycle we have got into.
We seem to be in a rut and are now resenting each other. Problem is he wont talk without making out he is the victim and that just makes me angry!

OP posts:

Original poster

BONKERZ · 01/06/2009 22:37

i rang and left a message about 7pm for him to ring me but he hasnt rang back. not sure if i should continue to chase him or just leave him to it.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 01/06/2009 22:44

Leave him to it and start looking after yourself and your DC. He's depressed, blah blah blah, that doesn't mean that you have to suck up everything he throws at you. Sacrificing your life and your self for him won't cure his depression and will do you harm. If he recovers from the depression (which is of course possible with meds and counselling) then he's got to put some effort into apologising to you for his selfishness, and do some work on repairing the relationship rather than just expecting you to resume normal service once he's better.

CarGirl · 01/06/2009 22:47

They day you married the house became 50% yours so yes get some legal advice.

dreamylady · 01/06/2009 22:47

get to relate asap
if they can't help you find a way to get through this as a couple (maybe its possible if you want it?)
then they can at least help you seperate in a way that minimises the impact on your little ones.

I had an ex with SAD and can remember how grinding and miserable it can get being with someone whos down all the time, and that being on eggshells feeling, very wearing.

Don't rush anything at the moment, have a breather from being cooped up with each other and you concentrate on you and the kids - find a more positive spin to put on his words - he's gone to his mums for a holiday? something like that.

Original poster

BONKERZ · 02/06/2009 11:17

thanks for the support.

I rang relate this morning but they need £192 upfront as we qualify for the reduced rate for marriage counsellign which is £30 a session BUT they need 6 weeks upfront and £12 reg fee. I dont know where we can find this sort of money! If we could pay per session it would be just about doable and i asked if we could do this but was told no! what do i do now?????

rang his mums house today and got the cold shoulder from her so i reckon he is blaming everything on me as suspected! He is very good at playing the victim!

OP posts:

RedCharityBonney · 02/06/2009 11:22

He sounds an utter pillock. Involving your kids like that is seriously immatureand horribly selfish - very damaging to them. Not very loving is it? Twunt.

What if it means that you get divorced? What would that mean?

Anyone you can borrow some Relate cash from? Maybe all your parents would chip in? Bash a credit card, since it's an emergency?

Original poster

BONKERZ · 02/06/2009 11:42

dont own a credit card, my parents are both dead, only family member my side is sister who is on benefits herself. Only person to borrow money from is MIL but that all depends if DH will borrow from her really, we already owe them money!

OP posts:

RedCharityBonney · 02/06/2009 15:40

Do you feel like binning him, or do you think there are better times to come?

My instinct (on almost no information!) is that this is a low time which could be got through.

Maybe he needs to see his GP again to discuss changing his medication, and get on a waiting list for counselling or something.

Good luck anyway!

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