i have just told dh to go to his mums for a bit

[BONKERZ]

i have had enough.

i dont feel like binning him! i dont think its as easy as that! We have 2 children together and marriage vows. Him going is not something that has come from nowhere.....this has been brewing for over a year now and we cant seem to break the cycle.
He is currently having counselling for his depression and is going back to see counsellor in 2 weeks although he hasnt really talked to me about what has been said etc but i do know he has been told they have to go back to his childhood as he has some issues! He wont talk about these things with me.
He says he is happier at work but i dont see that, i see a man who comes home miserable and with no energy and who sits on sofa and says nothing and does nothing unless its to snap at me. He snaps at the kids if they make too much noise and moans if i want to turn telly over or interupt his sport with conversation!

today has been hard, DS has struggled at school today (asd and in special school!) apparently he has been saying over and over that daddy is gone and been quite angry about it. My 3 yr old hasnt asked where her daddy is at all which is a blessing!

I have gone from feeling angry with him to almost resigning myself that i need to start making plans for a life on my own with the kids!

Sorry but I think you have been expected to devote enough time and energy already to indulging this whiner. At some poitn it seems to have been decided that your lives must resolve around His Ishoos. He is giving nothing to you or his children and once the shock of his departure has gone you will find you feel amazingly lighter and happier without him moping away on the sofa criticising everything and expecting to be ministered to.
Yes, depression is a terrible thing, but living with a depressive is bloody awful and tbh separating till he's better is probably your best option.

If you're not ready to break up with him then maybe his GP can refer you for couples counselling? which may be on NHS?

I expect paying up front for relate is unusual -my partner and i went and we paid by the session and were given a 'recommended' amount based on income but was up to us what we paid.But we live in a big city and it says some centres are subsidised so maybe ours was.

although its a lot of money for you to find its a drop in the ocean as an investment in the rest of your lives - whether it helps you decide you can never make it work or it helps you find ways to make it work. Give it a couple more days to cool down and ask his MIL.

Have you thought about talking to her about all this in a kind of 'you're both worried about him' way? depends on your relationship i suppose.

good luck, let us know how things are going.

thanks for the advice everyone. DH did ring tonight and we spent an hour going round in circles.
he admits he has big problems and made an emergency appointment today to see his counsellor on thursday which is good, he has also agreed to ask the counsellor about some joint session so we will see what is said.
he is going to come over thursday about 5 ish to see kids and has asked me to think about if i want him to come back then or if i want him to stay away for a bit.
He has said if i want to split he will go to the bank and sort out a loan so we can put the house on the market, split the profits and both move on. He has also said this is not what he wants and he loves me which is something he hasnt said in months.
I told him i dont want a relationship like this one and we both have to decide what we want to change and make sure it happens.
I dont know yet for certain what i want to happen.
I thought about letting him come home at the weekend but moving DD in with me so he can have her room for a while and see if we can become friends again without the sex thing getting in the way but im not sure if this will be more disruptive for the kids or not.

Might be a bit odd for your DD. Confusing for her - keep her some special safe kidspace, I should, and you and DH deal with the sharing like the adults you are.

Glad to hear the love's still there. That's a massive plus. GOOD LUCK!!

aww you both still want it to work

only you know what best to do but in your position i'd want to try everything - as long as his illness is not affecting you / the kids too much

maybe he should stay away a bit longer - or just for a night or two then back to MILs to give you both a breather? what do you feel in your gut?

agree if he does stay it needs to be your room. agree boundaries with him beforehand - no sex till you've got your friendship back on track maybe?

if you do do joint sessions maybe see if your MIL will have the dc's or get someone to babysit so you can go out for a meal/quiet drink after. My dp and i found this was as goood as the sessions when we went. sometimes we talked about what had come up, sometimes we just had a nice time together. was really good thing to do.

good luck

Don't let him move back in just yet. Remember that he considers himself to be the important one in the relationship, so he may say that he will change in order to make you shut up and keep on looking after him.

thanks guys, DH rang last night and said he has 3 major issues with regards his anxiety and the major areas are WORK which we sorted by him dropping to deputy, MONEY which i have solved today by getting the first job i applied for and can start on monday bringing in and extra 140 per week and his weight and he has started a diet and only he can sort that one!
I have agreed to him stopping over tonight and he will go back to his mums tomorrow after work. We are going out as a family on sunday and i have asked him to stay at his mums next week too but im waiting to see what counsellor has said. The kids are pacing now looking forward to daddy coming to visit and TBH im looking forward to seeing him which has surprised me!

well last night was a bit of a non event, the kids were not bothered when dh walked in and we argued about what he was having for dinner (dh has a weird view on diets and wanted to only eat meat and veg BUT he has diabetes so needs some carbohydrates to maintain his sugar levels!)
We didnt really talk, he went up to bed at 10 and he is still there this morning which i find weird cos DD is here wanting to see her daddy.

It feels like nothing has changed and im worrying im making the wrong decision already.

I really feel for you. My husband suffered from reactive depression after our daughter was born (she's now 2). Like your husband he found a lot of his stress stemmed from work, also our daughter was a terrible sleeper which didn't help in the slightest. I too found it difficult to live with him at times and am ashamed to say that on a few ocassions I thought the easiest thing would be for me to leave him. We decided that he would take a break from work as my maternity leave was about to end. I went back to work full time (was hard at first as it was always my intention to work part time after having children) and my husband ended up taking over a year off work. We waited over 12 months for counselling, he had 4/5 sessions then his counsellor was ill and never called him back for an appointment - he's still waiting for sessions to restart 4 months later!

You sound like you want things to work between you but seem stuck in a kind of rut. The joint counselling sounds like a good idea - at least that way you can get an idea of what's going on in his head. My husband started running (on advice of doc) as exercise is a very good way to help overcome depression and it did go some way to helping him. He needs to know how much strain it puts on you looking after him and the kids - it's difficult not having the support of your husband - being a parent is hard enough.

We bought books and got lots of leaflets and self help stuff from the docs - don't think my husband wasinterested in any of that but I read it all and could then sneak the info into his head without him realising!

I hope things work out for you, keep us posted