please hold my hand today sisters, trying not to cry at work

[sparkybint]

So yet another relationship bites the dust and this time I thought it was for keeps...Met lovely DP a year ago after horrid divorce and after 4 months we were engaged. It was long distance and very hard but I thought I really knew him and that we were so in love.

This morning, after me not being able to get hold of him last night and sending more texts than I usually do, he tells me he's really annoyed with my behaviour and that I'm too intense. When I asked him to explain a bit more it all came out; he could never live with me and doesn't really know what he wants. I've cancelled my plans to see him this weekend and told him that given the nature of his true feelings for me, we have no future. It sounds like he'd be happy to have a casual thing (despite him asking me to marry him!) but that's not for me, especially when he lives so far away. I don't want to be with anyone 24/7 right now but I do want something committed that has a future.

Part of me is relieved that I don't have to do the 8 hour round-trip to see him anymore but I'm gutted because I really felt that he cared for me and would never let me go (he himself said a while ago that we must never lose eachother). I'm 51 and have had such a history of unhappy relationships and I thought this one was really meant to be. I know I'll survive but I need you to tell me I will and that women can be happy and fulfilled on their own. I'd love a man in my life but will give myself a few months off after this. I'm telling myself that despite my age I look and feel great and will have a relationship again but that if I don't I can still be happy because I have so much in my life, not least my wonderful 9 year-old daughter. Off to the bog now to have a blub...

lol @ ridingjoker: "the right one will come up and bite you on the ass"

I hope you don't have to wait until one comes and bites you on the arse!!

but what ridingjoker says is very true and it is something I have lately realised myself - that shit relationships help you to recognise and appreciate good ones when they come along!

Awww, just got home from work to read all these lovely new posts. I can't tell you what it means, thanks everyone.

Ridingjoker, you are so right, every relationship, good or bad, teaches you something and I know this one has. It showed me that I could love someone after divorce and have earth-shattering sex (!)But as you also rightly point out, it's also shown me that LDRs are crap and I don't clean up for anyone.

fawkeoff, glad you seem to have found a good'un. It's so hard to trust again but just go with the flow and trust your instincts. Have a lovely time tonight

FBG, I love this:"My point is that someone who truly loves and cares for you will do anything not to hurt you and it is clear that you are too good for him and he has no idea what he wants". That struck me so much, he was actually unkind to me and that means all the love stuff is bollocks.

Attila, yes my relationship history ain't good but even though this one didn't work out
I did do something different this time; I didn't stay with someone who was making me unhappy. Re: the interests, I have loads of things I love to do, mostly creative stuff, so will indulge myself. I'm alone this evening, DD at her dad's so am going to do a spot of gardening now and sit in the sun with a nice cuppa glass of sauvignon blanc. And if I get wistful and teary I'll just say to myself NO MORE SNORING AND JIM REEVES

God bless you ladies

no more snoring, Jim Reeves or manky bathrooms! hurrah!!!

Am so glad you did not choose to stay with the snorer and Jim Reeves (who's he - ED?) fan (huge relieved sigh).

You indulge yourself in your hobbies and perhaps even take up some new ones.

That's brilliant. And.... it's the weekend and the sun's shining. Have you got anything nice planned?

Jim Reeves was a boring 60s crooner who got killed in an air crash when he was 40. Ex-DP was devastated at the time and has never got over it.

Tatty, tonight is me, me,me-time - am going to watch Sheila Hancock reading her favourite poems later and then go to bed with a good book. AND NO SNORING!!

Am laughing and crying in equal measure, you lot are such a tonic

Oooh lovely. Enjoy

I just wanted to say thank you again to everyone who posted yesterday and helped me get through.

He tried to call me last night and then texted as if nothing had happened - asked me when I was coming down! I ignored it and have sent him a long email this morning categorically telling him it's over. I haven't been in the least bit unkind but told him I want no contact.

It hurts so much to think that two weeks ago we were sitting on a bench looking out to sea and talking about our hopes and dreams together. But I need to keep strong, know that this relationship has served its purpose and move on.

God bless x

Pillock!

Very wise sparkybint I wish I'd had the smarts to do that in the past instead of wasting years with tossers hoping things would come right.

good for you sparkybint ....at least he knows he wont be able to dick around with your emotions x

good for you sparky - am sure knows what he's missing out on but you stand your ground.

one thing that has stood out is those of us who have exes who say all the right things - how they love you like know other, talk about marriage, happy ever after, blah, blah, blah - but never act on it. one of the things i have learned lately is that actions speak very much louder than words, especially with men. it does sound like your exp was a talker, not a doer and therefore not the right one for you.

agree with ridingjoker - i have learned from my ex. have learned the above re actions and also that i actually like romance and 'the little things' like holding hands, kissing etc - which i never really did before. the main thing was that i am a lot stronger than i thought.

hope you are having a lovely relaxing day in the sun (instead of being stuck in a sweltering car!!)

How are you feeling today Sparky?

I am good thanks, despite the occasional wobble. You're right Mutha, he is all mouth and trousers and it was so easy to get taken in! Having a nice day with my girl though and trying not to miss him..

what you up 2 sparky?

I had a wobble today too and he isn't the right man for you so not worth it.

I didn't have a wobble, i dunno what you would call it... a falling over?!

oh dear, we're all wobbling - was yours over the ex FBG. What about yours ABC?

yes

purely coincidentally we went out today and drove past a new building being opened as part of his company

i still have the odd 'wobble' day - expected now and again i guess. i usually find it worse when i have time to think which is where the 'keeping yourself busy' thing comes in.

every time i think of him and start to get a bit low and upset, i just try to replace what i'm thinking about with the word 'cock' over and over again until the thought is gone!!!

if cock works for you, I'm glad! I keep thinking:

no money
snoring
Jim Reeves
dirty toilet
200 miles away
teenage son welded to sofa
still goes on about his failed marriage (15 years ago)
etc
etc

anyway, I've survived since Friday, so onwards and upwards!

Keep going with the positive stuff.

I need to take my own advice.

Hi Sparky, I've just read through your thread and after your initial posting, I KNEW that he'd be back on the phone later! I'm the same age as you and my DP is only a year older than your ex, and some of this is familiar. Only diff is, mine is actually living with me now, and yet occasionally says it's been one horrible mistake and he wants to sell up and separate (but still keep seeing each other as friends) - oh, and when he was all loved up, we lived 150 miles apart! I find that telling him that's fine, he should go but forget any possibility of seeing me again, works a dream - it's a case of taking back the power they have over us. He had power over you, and made you seem needy when you texted him - which panicked him into being pathetic and claiming he didn't want permanency. You have done exactly the right thing - taken back the power - by telling him it's over. You stood up for yourself. And your list of negatives sound like several very good reasons for keeping it that way. Jim Reeves - argh - nothing against Jim Reeves, but I remember him dying, and your ex must have been about 7 or 8 - why wasn't he picking up on the Beatles like every other young boy of that time!? . My aunt wept when he died, but she was 40!

Also - having to clean his toilet and pay for his romantic weekends - no, no, no, no, NO!!

MUCH Better off without. There are lots of lovely men out there, and you know, one of the happiest 'older women' I know has been happily married for 25 years to a man young enough to be her son! In the meantime, think of all the spare time and money you can now devote to your DD and your hobbies! .

I was feeling a bit down just now, yet another tear was forming so I thought I'd check in. So glad I did, thanks for your lovely post Tanee! I've been grappling with second thoughts (you know how it is) and this has made them all disappear.

I like what you said about the texting - he did make me feel needy and I'm not, I just wanted to be treated with consideration. And you're absolutely right about Jim Reeves - his taste in music is AWFUL and I've been dumbing down just for him. I'm a classically trained singer FGS and like underground dance music!

I hope your situation brings you happiness, wonder why your DP says those hurtful things from time to time but as you say it's all about wielding power isn't it. And FBG go and eat some expensive chocolate and think how lucky you are to have such a lovely DH

I know how lucky I am.

Always been a heart ruling head kind of girl.

I used to be bright.