Deep breath. Okay. Anyone around for some support, please?

[CherryChoc]

I've tried to write this thread lots of times now, so apologies if it comes across jumbled.

Basically I think I might be in an emotionally abusive relationship. Either way I am not happy, feeling very stressed and unable to cope now, just making a mess of everything and not sure what to do. I haven't posted before because I think I was scared of the replies. Now, I think.. I'm ready to hear them.

Um.. don't really know where to start, so I'll just briefly recap this evening for you.

Over the past week or two DS(8mo) has been waking at night and instead of settling down straight away with a breastfeed, which I can do barely waking, has been needing to be held for a few minutes before I can lie down and feed him back to sleep again. This sounds really trivial and I know people have much worse sleep problems, but I'm not used to it and also he has been waking at 6 every morning and forcing me to get up then, so very different from the newborn stage when I used to sleep in late in the mornings instead. This came to a head on Saturday night when he had a temperature and woke about every hour. (Doctor said he is fine and probably a virus or teething).

Added to this, I am not eating enough at the moment. I know I'm not and there are various reasons for this, partly just lack of motivation, but also because I'm constantly feeling conscious of money and feeling if I eat enough now, I won't have anything to eat tomorrow. I can't drive (DP can, but he's "too busy") and so we have our shopping delivered but I can't seem to get into a routine of doing the order.

So I am feeling run down due to lack of sleep and food. Got up this morning and the freezer had been left open and all the food ruined. Decided to defrost it while it was empty anyway (which was a mammoth job, I don't think it had been done for over a year) DP's sister came round, (she is 13) which was prearranged and in retrospect I should have cancelled but I didn't realise how bad I was feeling until the morning and then felt it was too late, and anyway she might entertain DS and I could have a rest. Anyway that didn't really happen so I was feeling very tired by the time she'd left. DP had texted me during the day asking whether we could have sex tonight - I've told him I don't like this and find it a turn off, and he stopped doing it for a while, then we didn't have sex at all for ages and he started it again. Anyway DP's sister is really nosy so I didn't want to email him back (no credit) while she was there. When she left I was feeding DS on the sofa and knew I would fall asleep so decided to go up to bed for a bit. I ended up sleeping until 6.30, felt better and came downstairs, DS was now awake and his sleep cycle was all messed up as he'd just had a 2 hour nap and didn't want to go to bed. So I emailed DP and said sorry I didn't reply before. He turned up 10 minutes later with a bottle of drink in his hand, he had been to the pub because I hadn't replied to his message

So anyway, he sat down to watch the football, I was blearily-eyed fielding DS away from various power cables, things I didn't want him to eat, etc. I said I was hungry and had he bought something for dinner, because we didn't have anything to cook in the house, especially since we'd lost the frozen food. He said no and we decided to order a takeaway. For some reason he wanted to wait until half time to order (match had not yet started) so I looked around in the kitchen for something to keep me going and found an apple. But he still didn't want to order straight away, it didn't seem to matter that I was hungry. Then I couldn't even eat the apple because DS kept wanting to share it. DP refused to hold/distract him because "I've just got in from work and I need a rest" because the rest at the pub wasn't long enough, apparently.

Anyway he did look after him briefly while I ate but this is getting really long, I ramble too much (just don't want to leave anything out because I get accused of "drip-feeding") - the point is, I am doing 99% of childcare, he will ignore DS who is sat right next to him crying because I am there and I will do it, I know I should get him to help more, but I can't make him and I don't know how to, and I just haven't got the energy - it's easier to just do it myself. For example nappy changing, if I ever get him to do it which is getting rarer, he will half-do it and once the new nappy is on and done up that's it, he leaves the old nappy lying around and his clothes off/undone. I know the more I let him get away with the less he will be persuaded to do.

Also he does not speak to me with respect. I was on the phone to my mum, who I usually see once a week, but hadn't this week, for an hour and a half the other day. He was doing nothing else but said it "Took the piss" and I was a "cheeky fucking cow" because he had to look after DS (non-cordless phone).

And I know I should take this opportunity to sleep, but if I wait until the morning to post this, I won't, and I just need some support more than I need the sleep.

Cherrychoc sorry your having a craptime at the minute, I don't think your dh is necessarily being abusive I just think he dosen't understand,
he probably thinks that being at home is easy and you are getting loads of rest and are ready and waiting to be a sex god

Hopefully someone else will be along with some good advice

Calling you names is unacceptable , is this a regular occurance? In my opinion texting you for sex is also unacceptable and stinks of lack of respect.
My ex used to do this and harass me for sex all the time and its utterly demoralising.
Are you getting any real life support from freinds or family ?
Perhaps have a look on the emotional abuse thread,, and see if you recognise some of what the other ladys are saying .

Just noticed what you said about worrying about money and eating. This doesnt sound good at all, especially as your partner doesnt seem to be worrying when hes at the pub.
Do you have access to money, or does your partner control it?

I think you are in a difficult phase, where all of this, with your first baby, is new.
I do honestly believe, in most relationships, that men "get" what to do with babies much later than us women and it is so annoying.
I think you need to make it clear to your DP how you feel and let him know when you are hungry and need to eat. He needs to know that this is so important when you are breastfeeding.
The night feeds/waking is terribly hard at first.
Hopefully your DS will settle down. But if he doesn't, please talk to your DP and let him know how tired you are.
I think that when men go to work and you are a sahm they think you are doing nothing but it is bloody hard work.
Remember, you are raising your small boy - that is a massive job

I think it's weird that he would text you asking for sex.

Could you have ordered the curry yourself? Maybe you need to take charge of the food shopping too.

He just sounds lazy and as if he doesn't understand how tired you are.

CherryChoc, do you think you might have PND? Just you mention being run down and unmotivated - ordering the shopping and things. Might be worth a chat with your GP or health visitor?
My DH is good with the DC but will also leave used nappies lying around; it drives me a bit crazy! He has got better but was often a tad useless in the early days. Does your DP ever have sole charge of your DS?

I think he needs it spelling out that this is HIS DS as much as yours!!

As Dwayne says, as hard as it might be, leave your DP with him for a while so he can see how hard it is.

And take care of yourself!

first of all, you need to take care of your health and that means eating decent food. You say you have money worries, but feeding your family has to come above all else in the budget ( and unless I misunderstand , takeaway food is an expensive and not usually nutritious way to eat).

Your Dh sounds like he does not understand the stresses you are under, but your problem is very common. The partner who goes out to work (in our case, me) thinks they have the harder job, and the person at home with the child(ren) thinks the same.

I have heard it described as competitive exhaustion and there is no easy solution.

However your ds is very young and it does get easier.

Talk to your dh. Try not to resent him. He has his own worries and stresses.
Good luck

CherryChoc, my DH was exactly the same. It's of no help to you at all, but you need to know you're not the only one. I don't think I ever managed to do anything to get DH to do more, things only started to get (a little) better when he overheard me talking about divorce. DS was 4 by then. But what I did learn to do was cope. Sleep, sleep and more sleep. More importantly you need to learn to ignore your DH. As far as I'm concerned, mine just pays the bills. He does bugger all else!

Oh, and when you're really pissed off with him - clean the bathroom sink with his toothbrush.

BFB!

Or the toilet...

hopefull the name-calling is mainly when he is stressed out, or we are arguing. He gets stressed from work (which, yes, he does work very hard to support us and I am grateful but it's not an excuse IMO) but he also claims that sex is a stress reliever for him and so it's my fault because it's not the same if he does it himself. Which is kind of tough IMO because I'm not having sex if I don't feel like it.

I don't feel I can talk to anyone about it tbh. My mum is fab and I know she would be supportive but I'm holding back from saying anything, I don't know why, I think I don't want to upset her. I tried to talk to a friend and she just put it down to new baby problems in a relationship, but I don't really have any close friends, I am quite young (21 in 2 weeks) and most of my friends have gone off to uni, or are off partying and not interested in babies so we have lost touch. I have made a few friends through baby groups etc but don't feel close enough to them yet.

I have been lurking on the EA thread and a few others which is what made me start worrying and looking at his behaviour actually.

Technically I do have access to money - we have got a joint account for bills and essentials like food, if I need to pop to local shop etc. But I'm much more money conscious than him and feel guilty about taking from there. We are very low this month as my Maternity Allowance has ended, I have started working for AQA (internet based) as I did before I had DS but haven't been paid yet, so have no money of my own, and I think he will put pressure on me to put a lot or all of it into the bills account when I do. It will only be £60 or so.

Cherry I think you should go to your GP because I think you might have PND. Some of what you describe is very similar to how I was a few weeks ago. My GP has prescribed me some ADs which I've been taking for 3 weeks now and I'm starting to feel a bit better.

What is the issue with you not eating - are you really that short of cash? That could also be related to you being depressed.

I think Plum is right that you aren't necessarily in an abusive relationship, but your DH clearly doesn't understand what you are going through - and you don't sound as if you are in any state to try and speak with him rationally.

Please go to your GP and get yourself some help, and then you can assess your relationship from a better place and think about whether you want to stay in it.

It doesn't sound emotionally abusive but it does sound emotionally unhealthy. I also get the feeling that if you started being more boundaried then the name calling, staying at the pub, general non-arsedness would get worse.

It sounds a little like you are not valued or respected here and he is taking as much slack as he likes because he doesn't give a fuck enough to do otherwise.

Would you say that is true?

seriouscase I had wondered about PND, I think it could be a factor. I really don't want to go on any medication though. I am having Reiki treatments semi regularly as my mum is trained in it but she keeps being ill so we miss weeks. I do feel better when I have it but I think this relationship situation is a big part of feeling unhappy.

Dwayne I have thought about learning to drive, issue is mainly cost at the moment. Once our money situation picks up again (we are due more tax credit this year) I am going to get a bus pass so that I don't have to think about change and can just go out if need be.

Dwayne and Stirling yes, I should leave him for a day or so! Just don't really know what to do! He has looked after him while I had my hair done once but that took about 20 minutes

jasper the food seems to be a control issue - he knows we have no food in the house but he won't pick something up after work and/or is too tired to cook/look after DS so I can cook so he suggests takeaways. Which as you say are hugely expensive and not very nutritious. The tiredness - yes I know his job is tiring, I'm not trying to be competitive, he is! I think the problem was that in the early days I believed that his job was more tiring and believed him that I was just lazy, because I don't do as much housework as he would like. Now I know I am doing the best I can but he still thinks his job is harder.

hobbgoblin yes, that is a pretty good description.

" sex is a stress releiver ", i dont like this at all,, whys a wank not sufficient if its just about releif? If he pressures you for sex thats abusive, and a way to dominate.

When you say your more money conscience, are you being polite or is he irresponsible ?
Is it posible to have a rational discussion with him, or will he blow up and insult you , are you keeping quiet to avoid the rows?
Mine was verbally abusive when stressed or arguing, but thats not normal, and if thats the case you will find it will become more and more regular as they often " find " things to be stressed about.

Im concerned theres been so many suggestions about pnd,, theres nothing odd about your behaviour,,but def something odd about a man who texts you for sex , calls you a fucking cheeky cow , and wont look after his child so you can eat in peace.

I suspect the issue youve got a small baby is clouding the responses your getting.

cherry, I am not excusing his arsey behavior but have personal experience of being the one who goes out to work.

I went back to work when ds was a few weeks old, had dd 20 months later and took a total of 6 weeks mat leave with her then went back to work again.

it was an unspoken HUGE source of conflict between us. I def felt I had the harder job and , yes, it did piss me off that the house was always a mess and he did not arrange the evening meal.

I am not saying one of you is right and one is wrong, only that you both have unique stresses , which, by their nature, the other cannot relate to.

That is no excuse for unkindness on either part.

Can I ask why there is no food in the house?
Could you make it a priority to prepare a simple nutritious meal for you and dh each evening ?

EVERYONE gets grouchy when they are tired and hungry

He needs to up the ante with the nappy changing.

Show him ONCE how to do it properly (including the tidy up) and don't be browbeaten into doing it yourself all the time just to save time

I am notoriously good at putting up with the very crumbs of what could be termed a relationship so do what I make myself do occasionally...

Ask yourself this: If you got tough on the stuff you are unhappy about such as childcare, food arrangements, nappy changing, sleep sharing, name calling, etc. what would his reaction be? Would he talk about leaving, listen and discuss ways forward or get angry with you and make yoi feel crap?

You don't need to try it out to know the answer.

If it isn't 'listen and discuss' then you have a problem. A problem that can only be fixed by either leaving or attempting to force change. The latter will only work on the unpractised and ignorant few men that simply act twunty because they know no different. Mostly when faced with unwillingness to discuss you are dealing with a man who is well aware of his twuntiness and would rather move on to the next willing accommodator than change himself.

Once you've established the above you will know what to do which is ever so slightly more comforting than living as you are now but also quite scary. I have no advice beyond this because I have not passed through this stage myself yet.

he sounds like a bit of a tosser tbh. But not emotional abuse as such - just sheer bloody selfish thoughtlessness.

You do need to get on at him a bit more, the "I can't be bothered to tell/ask him to help, it's quicker to do it myself" is the thing that men RELY on - some of them honestly do work out that if they are slow/reluctant/shit at doing something, then they are less likely to get asked to do it again, so they fuck it up deliberately. The only way to get over this is to MAKE them do it again (and again if they fuck it up).

You need to sort out your own processes as well though - and get checked for PND.

for you that you are having a shitty time atm, hope it gets better.

Sorry I hadn't been back, DS woke up and it took me 40 mins to settle him again. Will just type this last response tonight and come back tomorrow I think.

hopefull he is irresponsible with money. He has no concept of how to budget. I admit I'm not very organised but I am good with money, and this is an area we clash on. He constantly describes things as "his" ie "This is my bed, I paid for it" or that it's his money putting a roof over our heads. I don't really understand his point of view on this, actually, as when I ask he says he wants to earn the money so that I can stay at home to look after DS, but then he will say he can't earn enough and so I have to contribute, which because I'm not contributing/don't contribute as much, means that everything is automatically "his" because he earnt the money, whereas I see it as I earn a portion of his money too by looking after DS.

You sound exhausted and depressed and he sounds thoughtless, selfish and lazy. And its a vicious circle with resentment about sex and money and who does what fuelling the whole downward slide.

From what you say it doesn't sound like emotional abuse although he sounds disrespectful and that isn't acceptable. You also sound quite downtrodden - why are you waiting for him to order the takeaway?

Firstly you need to sort out the PND if that's what it is(and if you have been wondering yourself that's a bit of a give away). Do the reiki as well but get the pills if they're needed. There's no medals for suffering!

Then you need to get a babysitter, get dolled up and make him take you out for a night. You need to remember what it used to be like before - what you used to be like before.

He needs to see his sexy girl again and you need to explain to him how bloody horrendously exhausing it is to look after a baby. And get him to understand that if you are doing it all day he needs to take over for a bit at night after work. If he thinks its such a doddle he won't mind taking a day off and doing it all himself will he?

Get to the gp or speak to your hv as soon as you can. Top priority!