Deep breath. Okay. Anyone around for some support, please?

[CherryChoc]

I've tried to write this thread lots of times now, so apologies if it comes across jumbled.

Basically I think I might be in an emotionally abusive relationship. Either way I am not happy, feeling very stressed and unable to cope now, just making a mess of everything and not sure what to do. I haven't posted before because I think I was scared of the replies. Now, I think.. I'm ready to hear them.

Um.. don't really know where to start, so I'll just briefly recap this evening for you.

Over the past week or two DS(8mo) has been waking at night and instead of settling down straight away with a breastfeed, which I can do barely waking, has been needing to be held for a few minutes before I can lie down and feed him back to sleep again. This sounds really trivial and I know people have much worse sleep problems, but I'm not used to it and also he has been waking at 6 every morning and forcing me to get up then, so very different from the newborn stage when I used to sleep in late in the mornings instead. This came to a head on Saturday night when he had a temperature and woke about every hour. (Doctor said he is fine and probably a virus or teething).

Added to this, I am not eating enough at the moment. I know I'm not and there are various reasons for this, partly just lack of motivation, but also because I'm constantly feeling conscious of money and feeling if I eat enough now, I won't have anything to eat tomorrow. I can't drive (DP can, but he's "too busy") and so we have our shopping delivered but I can't seem to get into a routine of doing the order.

So I am feeling run down due to lack of sleep and food. Got up this morning and the freezer had been left open and all the food ruined. Decided to defrost it while it was empty anyway (which was a mammoth job, I don't think it had been done for over a year) DP's sister came round, (she is 13) which was prearranged and in retrospect I should have cancelled but I didn't realise how bad I was feeling until the morning and then felt it was too late, and anyway she might entertain DS and I could have a rest. Anyway that didn't really happen so I was feeling very tired by the time she'd left. DP had texted me during the day asking whether we could have sex tonight - I've told him I don't like this and find it a turn off, and he stopped doing it for a while, then we didn't have sex at all for ages and he started it again. Anyway DP's sister is really nosy so I didn't want to email him back (no credit) while she was there. When she left I was feeding DS on the sofa and knew I would fall asleep so decided to go up to bed for a bit. I ended up sleeping until 6.30, felt better and came downstairs, DS was now awake and his sleep cycle was all messed up as he'd just had a 2 hour nap and didn't want to go to bed. So I emailed DP and said sorry I didn't reply before. He turned up 10 minutes later with a bottle of drink in his hand, he had been to the pub because I hadn't replied to his message

So anyway, he sat down to watch the football, I was blearily-eyed fielding DS away from various power cables, things I didn't want him to eat, etc. I said I was hungry and had he bought something for dinner, because we didn't have anything to cook in the house, especially since we'd lost the frozen food. He said no and we decided to order a takeaway. For some reason he wanted to wait until half time to order (match had not yet started) so I looked around in the kitchen for something to keep me going and found an apple. But he still didn't want to order straight away, it didn't seem to matter that I was hungry. Then I couldn't even eat the apple because DS kept wanting to share it. DP refused to hold/distract him because "I've just got in from work and I need a rest" because the rest at the pub wasn't long enough, apparently.

Anyway he did look after him briefly while I ate but this is getting really long, I ramble too much (just don't want to leave anything out because I get accused of "drip-feeding") - the point is, I am doing 99% of childcare, he will ignore DS who is sat right next to him crying because I am there and I will do it, I know I should get him to help more, but I can't make him and I don't know how to, and I just haven't got the energy - it's easier to just do it myself. For example nappy changing, if I ever get him to do it which is getting rarer, he will half-do it and once the new nappy is on and done up that's it, he leaves the old nappy lying around and his clothes off/undone. I know the more I let him get away with the less he will be persuaded to do.

Also he does not speak to me with respect. I was on the phone to my mum, who I usually see once a week, but hadn't this week, for an hour and a half the other day. He was doing nothing else but said it "Took the piss" and I was a "cheeky fucking cow" because he had to look after DS (non-cordless phone).

And I know I should take this opportunity to sleep, but if I wait until the morning to post this, I won't, and I just need some support more than I need the sleep.

I had this for years and its demoralising and shit , i often felt like a freeloader as i aparently lived here rent free doing nothing.
And contribute ? What a nerve, has he any idea what it would cost him for a childminder if you werent looking after ds full time?

This sort of thing is not good for your confidence or self esteem. Look beyond the comments of things being his, his mithering for sex and the name calling,,there will be an underlying attitude behind these comments, and thats what the problem is.

Does he grope you,, make inapropriate sexual comments , control the money , refuse to discuss issues that are important to you , make fun of you or put you down , rage at you or insult you ?
Are you a bad mum, bad partner , poor housewife? What does he think of your freinds and family, how has he been with partners in the past?

The emotional abuse thread has been a lifesaver for me, perhaps post there as well as if he is emotionally abusive you will almost certainly recognise him in that thread.
You,ll also hear me going on about exs disgusting personal habits, but dont let that put you off !
Hope you have a good sleep and feel better in the morning.

Ok here's some tough love from someone who's been the same situation, housekeeping wise at least. If you can afford a take away, money isn't a problem. Nappy changing isn't a problem. Take a deep breath and accept that life is a bit challenging at the moment because you have a 8 mo. That doesn't mean its anyones fault, that's just how it is, Baby monkeys and rabbits and squirrels feel stressed out when thelr little darlings are tiny It's our job and nature makes us so protective for a reason. For those who have an emotionally abusive partner the EO is a life saver, but God willing you're not there yet

He sounds like a prize tosspot to me. Basically he thinks that because he is the Man, he is the Important One, and that the household should revolve around him and his needs (hence the pestering for sex and the refusing to acknowledge that you are hungry).Unfortunately selfish sexist men often only show their true colours when a baby arrives - suddenly their wives/partners are no longer content to indulge them and placate them and service them in every way.
I suggest you give him one thorough-going warning that he needs to understand that you do not exist for his benefit, that you matter, and that if he works with you and helps to get your needs met, you will do the same for him.
IF this doesn't work TBH you have to either resign yourself to living with someone who thinks you are a second-class citizen, or work on leaving.

You sound really down, lacking in confidence and pretty depresssed.
You have a choice as to whether you take control of the situation and take positive action to change things or you carry on this downward spiral.
Seeing your gp and being honest with your mum is a good start. You need her support and she would be gutted to know you have not talked to her about all of this.
You do both need to get organised on the money / food issues and I think once you get yourself in to a good routine and budgeting for food you will feel a lot better and stronger to work on the rest of what needs to be worked on.

He sounds awful. I don't see much hope for change as he fundamentally doesn't respect you. He doesn't respect the job you do, he doesn't respect your needs, he doesn't respect your person. He believes that he is the boss and you should do everything to make his life easier but doesn't care about your needs.

However - you need to take control a bit. I assume you have internet? Asda deliver for £3.50 on a weekday. So - do a weekly shop. Make sure there are snacky things that you like and easy to prepare meals. Don't wait for him to order the takeaway. (why??) You can't be that skint if you are ordering takeaways. Stop relying on him to feed you. You can always put the baby in the pram and go out for a walk to pick something up as well.

My DH is annoyingly messy (will leave nappy on floor instead of putting in bin) but I must admit I do nag him everytime. What does your DH do if you remind him? Do you ever go out with your friends? You need to start. He needs to spend some time with his baby for many reasons - can you approach it from the POV of him bonding with the baby and having a good relationship with him/her?

Good luck.

He sounds grim. I think you should speak to a doctor or counsellor about the way you are feeling - it may be you are becoming depressed not because of PND but because of the way he is treating you - work on strengthening yourself and boosting your self-esteem. What concerns me re:depression is the food issue - it sounds to me as if you are punishing yourself. Can I ask if you live somewhere with poor public transport? As wondering why you can't get out to the shops (I know it's not easy with a baby in tow, but wondering why it's impossible for you).

Cherrychoc, I agree you sound depressed, and whearas he does not sound abusive, he sounds a bit twattish, to be honest.

Do you get out at all? Do you go to toddler groups? Take your baby out in the pram? See other mothers? You dont mention any of these things in your post, and I sense you are a bit lonely.

I got out of depression without medication through fresh air and exercise. Depression wont lift straight away, but in my experience the key elements to shifting depression is:

1. Sleep - you need to ensure you get enough sleep - you sound exhausted.
2. Fresh air and exercise - even just a walk with the pram daily. Exercise is releasing endorphins in your brain, which will help your mood.
3. Eat well. You need to eat a good and healthy diet. Stop with take aways and convenience foods. Try to order simple and easy to make foods, such as chicken, rice, vegetables, salad stuff, etc.

Treat yourself well. Do nice things such as bring a small picnic to the park, and try enjoy yourself.

Regards money. If you spend the money wisely on food first, you know that the money has been well spent, as nothing is as important as feeding yourself and your family well. Do ONE big weekly shop for essentials such as flour, fruit and veg,toilet paper, meat and fish for the freezer etc. You will then usually just need bread and milk and other small items you can pick up when you are out and about.

Thanks for all your messages, this has really helped, it feels better to talk about it.

I will reply later when DS lets me

Get a playpen and put the baby in it. Less work for you.

I do not, DO NOT, believe that it is the woman's job to do everything but I would not stay inside with a baby all day if there was no food in the house. Even if you do not drive surely there is somewhere you can go on a bus or with the pram to buy food? Why should your dh pick something up? I don't really understand this.

Being responsible for your family's food is an important thing esp if your dh thinks a takeaway in the middle of the match is a day to day thing.

Because the freezer defrosted this meant you didn't have food - does this mean that you rely a lot on 'freezer food' to eat? There are some really good threads on here on feeding families healthily on a small budget, it would be worth giving them a look.

Don't let this man be the boss of you; don't let depression do it either. You've had some really good advice on here. Take a bit of control - don't sit around waiting for him to feed you. He's not your parent.

And the money? Don't get me started on the money. It needs to be equally shared, and if you are good with money then sit down, work out a budget, present him with the figures and say you have £x amount for going ot the pub/ takeaways/ whatever after I have bought food, baby clothes, paid bills, etc etc

hope you are feeling a bit better today. It is so hard looking after children some men clearly don't get it. There is great advice here, hope everything works out for you. You do need to treat yourself whether it is a long bath with the works or a latte and a mag (works for me!)

Cherrychoc your partner should be giving you and your son support,even if your a SAHM it doesn't mean your a slave,yes he may go to work but your WORKING too!
Could you go to your mums for a few days to recharge your batteries?
Also when you do get a chance really try to get your internet shopping sorted,its a god send we've been doing it for 3yrs and it's make ALL our lives easier as i don't drive and my DH works long hours,also i know they're not the most popular things but get some ready meals that you can pop in the microwave and put veg with,jacket potatoes are cheap and cheerful and healthy.
Good Luck x

I agree with the others - it doesnt sound abusive - he sounds a bit thoughtless.

Think you should sit down and sort out a regular order for shopping and get it delivered. Then you will have food.

Meal plan first for lunch and dinners then you know what you will be eating.

If I was a SAHM I would not expect my DH to come in from a 12 hour day and start cooking.

Sort a room out at a time if things are piling up and that will make you feel better too.

go out EVERY day. DO NOT stay in. Even if it is just story time at the library. or out for a coffee or a walk round the park.

Go and chat to the dr and see what he says.

Go on a date with DH and remember what it was like before ds.

and

Cherry Choc, can you please do the EPND calculator and talk to your GP/HV?

He is thoughtless and is taking advantage of you. You need to get yourself sorted before you can deal with all his shit. You and your DS are your priority. Agree with other posters that just because he is out working all day does not mean you are not working too. Being a SAHM is bloody hard work, I wonder how your OH would cope if he was to do all the things you have to do?

Please look after yourself

Hope your OK today

xxx

Just wanted to check in - I'm really sorry I haven't been able to reply to all the messages, I hope I get chance to later.

My mum came round this morning and did some shopping and washing up and made sure I'd eaten something, and I went out and saw my NCT friends. DS slept most of the time there and then woke up and was hot again so I gave him some calpol which has helped. When we got home we both had a sleep and he is much more cheerful and I feel much better as well. Am currently doing tesco order to arrive tomorrow (expensive delivery charge but oh well)

DP turned up briefly while I was on the phone to my mum in tears (had been up every hour in the night again) and said he'd go to Sainsbury's after work and get something for dinner, so I have sent him a shopping list. We had a hug and he seemed concerned but then got a text from him, expected it to say something like "Are you ok?" or even "Are we ok?" but it said "Were you telling your mum I don't do anything?" So I was feeling like I'd been hard on him but then quite angry at him for presuming it's all about him, as usual.

namechange I have just done that test and got a score of 9, scores over 13 indicate depression and scores of 10 or higher can mean possible depression.

NCT friends suggested I leave DS with DP for a weekend so that he can get an idea of the work involved so will start thinking about that, where I could go etc.

Thanks for all your kind words.

Sorry I keep wanting to reply here but just feeling so crap and ill today, and DS wants to crawl on my keyboard.

The shopping is an issue because I can't fit a whole week's worth of shopping on the buggy and the only supermarket within bus distance is a small Sainsbury's which is more expensive than Tescos where we usually shop and doesn't have much choice. I agree it is doable for emergency rations though. I am going to sort myself out with a bus pass, because it costs me nearly £4 every time I need to go out on the bus. (The bigger supermarket is on a different bus route and I can't take the pushchair on that bus, DS is not sitting up and it's really difficult to fold with one hand anyway) Then also I am worrying about the money as the money in the joint account is supposed to pay the bills (and is supposed to cover food as well but DP doesn't see that as as important because you don't get taken to court for not eating )

I can't get a playpen because we haven't got room; also I don't think DS would be very impressed, he can crawl but not sit up and doesn't just sit and play quietly with a toy, he is getting into everything. Our house is too small to completely babyproof, there are always going to be cables within reach/DVDs/books to pull down, hot pipes/radiators (in the evenings). So I have to watch him all the time.

Cherrychoc - one idea is the babydan playpen, that can be used as a room divider so you can 'babyproof' part of a room for ds to crawl around in, while you work in the other part. I used to do this in the kitchen when dd was little - she used to be in the part where the fridge is, with those cheap foam mats down/ a playmat (& cupboard locks on the doors!) while I cooked in the other section. But the stage does pass fairly quickly and by the time she was about 9 - 10 months I was able to get more stuff done while she amused herself with a box of toys...

Most internet shopping sites I think let you set up a basic shopping list which you can then add to/delete from as appropriate so you could maybe set one up for some basic easy to cook meals which would make online shopping quicker and easier.

Your dh does sound very thoughtless, but tbh dh was cr@p at seeing things that needed to be done with both dd and now ds and as your dh doesn't spend as long with your ds as you do he won't be able to 'read' him as well as you and see the cues. But there are still days we do the competitive tiredness/stress/who has the harder role . I think the difference is that you have worked and now done the sahm thing, whereas your dh doesn't have the insight into your sahm role.

If its any comfort, our house is a complete tip, I rarely get anything done other than the basics (nappies/food/entertaining kids) and it does really get to me.

It does sound as if you may have PND though and it must be worth getting it checked out and if necessary taking the drugs to help improve how you feel and get yourself in the frame of mind to have a positive chat to your dh about what you can both do to make things work better.

you need to go on the moneysavingexpert site and do the budget planner

go on the site, fill out the things, get to know your way around your own money

if you're a SAHM there's absolutely no reason you shouldn't be in charge of the family's finances - and you can't not eat because of money worries while your dh goes to the pub and orders take-out

your child needs you fit and well and you need the strength to stand your ground

get yourself the information you need