just been told I'm "too much of a nag" and "no fun anymore" and doesn't knoe if he still loves me, am 6 months pg with 2nd child, not angry just aghast at how shallow and horrible he's being

[minxofmancunia]

Haven't even argued back, have been shouted at and told how I'm not the woman he married for the past 2 hours before he stormed off to bed.

he said some really cruel things, was nasty last time I was pg but because i left then came back i thought he'd changed. says he doesn't want a "hard work life" juat wants to have fun "lifes to short to be worrying about the house/garden/work etc. all the time" "I'm neurotic and obssessed".

he went on and on and on even when i begged for a break he just carried on.

I lov emy dd so much and I really thought he loved me but not any more, he's so F**king inconsistent, unless it's all lovey dovey and perfect he can't hack it. Yes I AM a bit OCD when pg but can't he just try to be a bit understanding.

Contemplating childbirth and parenting alone and skint, and terrified.

It sounds like a godawful row- is it really the end? Or are you under pressure? I know this sounds trite, but do you think it will look better after a good sleep and a calm talk tomorrow?

< big squeeze > I'm sorry you're having so much stress, I hope it gets better

Well, that sounds pretty crap tbh. From what you're saying he sounds a right immature twat.
Hope you can work things out, with or without him.
((((((hugs))))) to you. You must be feeling awful.

You both sound terribly stressed and as though you both have unrealistic expectations of each other.

Compromise is hard - but it's prob the only way forward.

Perhaps you feel as though you're married to a big kid who takes no/little responsibility for the running of the house?

Perhaps he feels that for some reason the standards of house keeping he is expected to keep to are yours and not his - maybe it feels like being nagged by his mother?

So how about trying to sit down and write a list of all the jobs you think need doing. And asking him to do the same.

Then compare lists and cross off inessentials and move on to the "who does what" conversations after that?

But wait until you are both calmer.

Relationships are not all about compromise.

They are about getting on well with someone, being able to rely on them, trust them, care for them, feel cared for and appreciated, and understanding and mostly love.

He's obviously pretty pissed off with how things are. Exactly how "OCD" are you when pregnant?

You say you thought he loved you. Do you love him? Why?

Is there any part of you that understands why he is so pissed off and why he behaved the way he did (even if you can't condone or justify it)?

wasn't really a row just him going on and on and on at me, basically saying unless i changed he was opting for an easier life as my "obssession" with keeping things clean and tidy was too restrictive i.e. half an hour to an hours tidying or so a night after work, that's my "obssession".

Maybe this is just the way he is, maybe I'd got him wrong all along

minx shitty and horrid but it is just a row

men can be selfish and blinkered

thinking of you tonight x

"Cross off inessentials" sounds easy by the way - but it's very hard.

But try and remember there is no written manual on standards of housekeeping and if you are both a partnership then if his opinion is that it's inessential then it may well be - unless a good debate can establish the opposite!

Between half an hour and an hour of tidying up every night!

Sounds loads.

Is that in addition to cooking/washing up and pushing the toys into a heap in the corner of the room?

Definitely do the list comparison.

I went utterly OCD during 2nd pg (normally I'm a happy slob) & ended up in a screaming 3 way row with dh AND (lovely) MIL re: urgency of turning out the garden shed before the baby arrived.

Not suggesting you are in any way as wappy as I was - & dh should not be ranting at you atm anyway - but might be worth looking at from a perspective of your both being stressed & needing to compromise.

fair enough he had his point of view, but just to keep on and on at me whilst I'm in floods of teras, it was relentless. I jst need a bit of a break, I'm trying to do this godawful CBT MSc which has nearly sent me mad myself, am pregnant and knackered and working fulltime..

He's never hesitated when telling me he loves me before not in 10 years. That's what's upset me more than anything, maybe I was wrong and he doesn't love me at all.

An hour's cleaning every night after work?

Is that the washing up after your dinner or extra tidying?

Do you both take part in this housework?

Nobody wants a 'hard work life' but that's what most grown ups get, especially the ones with children.
He sounds immature to me.

Oh you poor love! Perhaps he is feeling guilty that he doesn't do more? I know that if I am knackered and DP is kicking up dust clouds getting stuff done I get defensive- maybe counselling would be a way of learning to express things better? Perhaps it's as simple as doing stuff that needs doing but when you both are in the zone to do it? He might not act like such a twat if he knows he has a couple of hours to wind down before clearing the kitchen and running you a bath, rather than feeling guilty and that you're implying he's not pulling his weight by your getting stuff out of the way straight after work? Sometimes people just have different ways of doing stuff.

I might be way off there, but that's one thing that occurs to me.

Totally crap of him to lay it at your door though.

Or maybe he loves you but lost his temper and said a lot of things he shouldn't have.

I don't know, and it sounds like you've had a very rough night.

But you sound very emotional and upset and like you're not thinking clearly. It's probably best that he's gone to bed so you can calm down before you talk to him again.

It's just putting toys away, sweeping/mopping up, cleaning the kitchen after dinner and laundry. We have a cleaner but there's always loeads of stuff to do. He is and always has been horribly messy. in our last place ( a small flat) he did nothing, honestly it's not normal slobbishness it's pretty disgusting. The reason i get "on one" about it is because he doesn't keep on top of anything so I end up doing eveything all the time and I can't cope with a roomful of toys strewn everywhere, every evening.

I just want him to TRY to keep on top of things a little bit.

Hopefully this'll blow over. You sounds as though you have your hands full.

If you feel unloved in the middle of all this I expect he does too.

And you cried and didn't stop and he raged and didn't stop - because that's often what men and women do when they are in distress

It sounds as though you both need to jump under the duvet/onto the sofa and have some time together relaxing - and b**ger the tidying up for a week!

Mopping the floors at night and doing laundry sounds pretty full on to me, especially if you pay someone to clean your house.

If he can happily cope with a room full of toys strewn everywhere, why should he spend his precious evenings cleaning them up?

What he did in your last place is irrelevant. What does he do where you live now?

If it's not in his nature to be tidy, why must he keep on top of things to make you happy? Why can't you relax your standards to make it easier for him to relax in his own home?

That's what i said shitemum life is hard work it's not about just coming hme and dossing about. he sasys he'd rather be with jsut dd because then he has fun rather than "hard work" me.

I don't sound like his nagging mother though, the reason he's so shit at all this kind of stuff is because she "couldn't be bothered" to do anything she's a lazy cow basically and he's a bit spoilt.

Just can't believe he said he'd leave me because I'm not "fun" enough, he is immature and he changes all the time, it's horrible.

a month ago for example he couldn't do enough for me.

skidoodle whan to you propose this kind of stuff gets done then?? I work too, you sound like a 1950s housewife TBH "his precious evenings" FFS. I can't relax in a room full of mess, I not asking for it to be meticulous I just want him to help me make it reasonable.

Should we just sit in squalor? I don' think that would be particularly relaxing, our house is small it needs to be kept in a reasonable condition.

Skidoodle I don't think that doing the laundry is full on - the clothes have to be made clean somehow!

Minx - I really would try to sit down with him and look at what he and you consider essential. If you have a cleaner then the actual dirt is not going to get out of control so I can understand him getting angry at having to mop floors, although I do agree with you that things need to be kept tidy.

You are not compromising here on this thread in that you are not conceding any of your position. If this is how you are with him then

Sounds very horrible for you but from what I've read, you are going to have to accept some of what he is saying.

It sounds to me like a difference of approach- you need the decks clear to be able to relax, and he needs some time to chill out before he gets around to doing some chores...could it just be a mismatch like this and be worked out with a calm discussion?

I sound like a 1950s housewife?

LOL how little you know me.

I propose that floors do not need to be mopped or swept on a nightly basis.

I consider my evenings to be precious and I would not enjoy coming home to a DH who insisted I do laundry or spend an hour tidying up and who wanted the place kept to the standard he considered to be "reasonable", even if I didn't agree.

I might tell him I was tired of him and wished I didn't have to live with him if he told me that "life is hard work"

And I certainly wouldn't want to live with someone who considered living in a messy home to be sitting in "squalor".

This would particularly gall me if I contributed to paying for a cleaner specifically so I wouldn't have to do cleaning all the time myself (which is the only reason I would do it).

I also would probably be resentful of him if he considered my mother to be a "lazy bitch" because she didn't keep house the way he thought appropriate.