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Original poster

I want my maiden name back.

48 replies

Tortington · 26/05/2009 12:02

i have a complicated relationship with dh, but i love him. posting under my usual name is petrifying btw.

i am an only child and most of my extended family are dead ( it wasn't very big) i have an uncle and a cousin who i don't speak to - just becuase we aren't close enough to be bothered.

i have been married 20 years. my youngest are 16.

i have an incredible yearn to have my maiden name back.

i don't think dh has ever earned the right for me to give up my name.

so its two pronged. i am lamenting the loss of my extended family. i miss them and i feel alone.

my relationship is complicated and i don't want dh's surname. although i love him very much

i think at a psychological level i am trying to reclaim some of me.

but that sounds very jeuvinile and drama queen esq.

i think i could put up with the in-laws. the kids would be fine.

not sure how to do this legally and remain married, not sure if its all rather OTT.

i think dh would be quite hurt by it, but i did mention it in an argument recently. so its 'out there'

any wise words like " stop being a dipshit" would be appreciated.

OP posts:
sarah293 · 26/05/2009 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Lulumama · 26/05/2009 12:04

is this a way to put off the ending of your marriage? or to start the end of it, IFYSWIM?

fishie · 26/05/2009 12:05

i kept my maiden name, we've been together for 15 years and married for 18m. i just couldn't face giving it up even though secretly i hate having a different surname to dh and ds. it is who i am and i'm too old to change it now.

go for it custy, you could just do it in a small way to see how it feels, maybe a library card or something fairly trivial.

MichelleObama · 26/05/2009 12:05

I have always used my original name. All you need to do is start using it - change you bank details and let them know what you are doing. Apply for your next passport in your original name. Job done.
Reverting to using your original name has no legal effect on your marriage.
Oh yes, and stop being a dipshit.

Stinkermink · 26/05/2009 12:09

I have no idea what to suggest here. it sounds like you have a lot going on a have lots of complicated feelings atm. Fwiw, I have been married for 9 years and took my husbands name. I did consider keeping my maiden name, just because it's unusual and at the time I felt that my persona and identity were wrapped up with that name. He said go ahead, but made it clear that any children would have "his" name and that I would be the one with a different name, if I was ok with that. Anyway, those feelings passed, fear and apprehension about being married I guess and I did change my name. Now my identity and persona are wrapped up in that name, it doesn't make me feel anyless part of my extended family or any more part of my husbands family. It bonds us (the 4 of us) as a unit together and it is our name iykwim.

Are you sure this isn't leading to something else? Mentally divorcing yourself from your relationship, if not physically? Would it open up a raft of questions? And would that bother you? Could you change your surname by deedpole to "maiden name - married name", then gradually start using your maiden name, would that soften the blow?

Original poster
Tortington · 26/05/2009 12:09

i have my bank account in my maiden name.

i think i want to do it legally. can i do that and still be married?

OP posts:
fishie · 26/05/2009 12:11

i don't think you need to do it legally. aren't you called whatever you are known as?

Stinkermink · 26/05/2009 12:12

I think someone answered that further up the thread, so you will still be married. You could go by the name Custardo Fluffybumhole and it wouldn't change the fact that you are married to Mr Custardo Smith.

MichelleObama · 26/05/2009 12:12

FGS woman of course you can. Taking your husband's name is a social convention, it has NO legal significance at all.

fishie · 26/05/2009 12:12

not had a chance to read it but here is info

ellingwoman · 26/05/2009 12:15

Agree with Michelle. Marriage and names, legally done by deed poll or not, are two separate issues.

And obviously stop being a dipshit...

Original poster
Tortington · 26/05/2009 12:15

right!

i am applying for other jobs, in fact i have an interview ina couple of weeks. i suppose i could tell HR that i want to be known by my maiden name, and along with my bank acount, its kinda done, and then do the legal thing if i don't feel like thats enough.

thank you

OP posts:
bundle · 26/05/2009 12:15

I still use my maiden name at work (in broadcasting this is quite common, it's seen as a bit weird to change tbh) so I can relate to your wanting to be "you" and not someone's appendage.

But so many years into your marriage this obviously sends out signals - to your dh and everyone else for that matter - and I think you should ponder carefully about what that will mean to you in terms of positive AND negative responses. Just because it's "out there" wrt dh, it doesn't mean he understands or empathises with your reasons for changing your name back.

I changed my name "at home" because I wanted to have the same name as my children when we go on holdiday, at school etc and have to get my editor to write a letter whenever I do foreign trips (not that often tbh) saying "bundle's" passport is in the name of "notbundle", as I still like having "my" name at work.

hth

MarlaSinger · 26/05/2009 12:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scarletlilybug · 26/05/2009 12:18

Whilst I'm not a fan of double-barrelled names on the whole, would this be a suitable compromise?

I know the use (or not) of maiden names can be a very emotive subject. You morun the loss of your extended family and feel alone... but wuldn't reverting to your miden mane make you feel even more alone. You would have a different name from your own children. Would they be bothered by this?

From what you have said, it's not about your name, it's about sense of identity, loneliness, resentment (at dh) even? So maybe you should be looking to see whether other parts of your life need to be changed and perhaps, in doing so, you may become clearer about why you feel as you do and make the right decision for the right reasons.

Original poster
Tortington · 26/05/2009 12:18

yes it does thanks bundle.

thanks for that link fishie - bloody revelation - to my shame i didn't know "Contrary to popular belief, a woman's surname does not automatically change to her husband's surname upon marriage. Neither will your marriage certificate indicate in any way what surname you will be using following your marriage. A marriage certificate simply records the names of the couple who are marrying."

despite seeing my marraige certificate a million times ove r the years it didn't click.

i don't need to do anything legally at all do i?

OP posts:
FabulousBakerGirl · 26/05/2009 12:19

I don't think it is juvenile or dramatic at all.

I have biological family members but to all intents I am alone in the world except for DH and the DCs. I couldn't wait to loose my maiden name but when I was younger it was really important to me to have my non excistant dads name.

Now I know for sure he is a waste of space it means less but it also feels that it is still part of who i am.

i am sure that made no sense but i do understand where you are coming from and if it is just about you and not about your marriage, i don't see anything wrong in changing back.

fishie · 26/05/2009 12:20

so me and custy could be maiden names at work and not at home?

bundle how does that work in practice, do the school know you are bundle at work? what if they have to ring you and ask for mrs notbundle? are you mrs notbundle everywhere except work?

having two names is sort of tempting though, in espionagy way.

Original poster
Tortington · 26/05/2009 12:21

lol marla, ty scarlet - v. perceptive!

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 26/05/2009 12:21

Do it. Use your family name. Why not?

I too really wish I'd kept my maiden name. Dreadful term in itself, isn't it - maiden name?

Anyway, I don't think it's juvenile in the least. You grow up and spend a great deal of your formative years with one name and then you're expected to give it up and be happy to take someone else's name just like that. You can bet most men wouldn't want to do it.

Names are important, crucial even. Well, that's what I feel. Plus I really liked my old family name and I'm not too keen on the new one.

DH has said we can change to double-barrelled but his name would come last. I think that would be a bit poncy IMO. I'm thinking on it.

If you can do it and want to, then do it.

cornsilk · 26/05/2009 12:22

I really don't like my married name and wish I'd kept my maiden name.

Original poster
Tortington · 26/05/2009 12:24

cheers i think i will.

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 26/05/2009 12:25

You can be both. I have friends who are Ms MaidenName at work and Mrs MarriedName at home.

What else do you want to do? Change your passport? That too can be done, I believe.

A small part of me would like to do the same, but I have none of your reasons/excuses (2 brothers, one with DC, to continue family name, plus selection of cousins). I didn't actually get to make a conscious choice about using married name at work - DH and I met through work and when I got back from honeymoon everything had been changed for me . I did retrospectively justify this in that I decided it would just make life more complicated, but I would still have liked to have had the choice.

PolkSaladLucie · 26/05/2009 12:26

You can call yourself whatever you want as long as it's not for fraudulant reasons.

All you need to do is get any documents changed into that name - i.e. passport, drivers licence, mortgage, bills and bank accounts. If your car is in your name I wouldn't change that as it would count as another owner which effects the value when you come to sell.

BTW - you say that it's partly to do with the loss of your extended family and feel alone, but if you change to your maiden name you won't have the same name as your 'new' family, and specifically your children, which would be a big deal for me.

Could you - sticking to the dual personality thing - be Mrs Custardo Fluffybumhole at work and Mrs Custardo Smith at home?

PolkSaladLucie · 26/05/2009 12:28

I take ages to type - that was about 7 x-posts!