I want my maiden name back.

[Tortington]

i have a complicated relationship with dh, but i love him. posting under my usual name is petrifying btw.

i am an only child and most of my extended family are dead ( it wasn't very big) i have an uncle and a cousin who i don't speak to - just becuase we aren't close enough to be bothered.

i have been married 20 years. my youngest are 16.

i have an incredible yearn to have my maiden name back.

i don't think dh has ever earned the right for me to give up my name.

so its two pronged. i am lamenting the loss of my extended family. i miss them and i feel alone.

my relationship is complicated and i don't want dh's surname. although i love him very much

i think at a psychological level i am trying to reclaim some of me.

but that sounds very jeuvinile and drama queen esq.

i think i could put up with the in-laws. the kids would be fine.

not sure how to do this legally and remain married, not sure if its all rather OTT.

i think dh would be quite hurt by it, but i did mention it in an argument recently. so its 'out there'

any wise words like " stop being a dipshit" would be appreciated.

no, i couldnt do the split work home thing.

besides, some of this has to do with complicated marriage thing.

i don't mind about the kids - hey are old enough, they have their identity - they would just think i am being weird. which is fine becuase they think i am anyway.

so i could literally phone the mortgage company up and tell them that i wanted things adressed to my maiden name becuase i have decided to use that from now on - and thats that?

one of dh's cousins changed his name back to his mum's maiden name in his teens (parents still together) now that's weird!

I use my maiden name on my passport, everything else is in married name. It's sometimes complicated if I forget and use the wrong name at the bank or whatever but the passport is the little bit that is still mine if that makes sense.

Hope your DH will be reasonable about it if you do decide to change back. It shouldn't be seen as a big deal in this day and age but at the same time, after 20 years of marriage, I could see why he might feel a little put out.

Good luck

I think you might need to do it more formally by sending a copy of your birth certificate as the name on the account would need to change.

I'm reversing the way I did it when I got married and had to send in copies of my wedding certificate...

i'm seriously considering changing back to my maiden name.

i got caught up in wedding madness and didn't really think about it enough before i took dh's name.

been married three years and it still doesn't register when Mrs Bamboo is called at the doctors or dentist.

i also really don't like my inlaws and having their name is really starting to get to me, i don't want to be associated(sp?) with them at all.

i also wish ds could have my maiden name, i'm sick of hearing fil going on about how ds is a Bamboo and is going to be ladies man(he's 15m FFS)

I never changed mine, the only place I am Mrs is at school and the surgery. It works fine.

I use both names

This quaint sexist patriarchal custom of taking your husband's name is a bit dated IMO, but it is sometimes useful (especially with plumbers) so I think I have the best of both worlds.

Just do it- I have often thought of doing this myself- something inside of me rebels against taking another family name. I still might do it! I wish I had done it right from the start- save alot of hassle.

I don't think you need to do it by deed poll, but other legal bods please correct me- but you can google it anyway.
I think you need your marriage and birth certificate for the bank, and prob the same for passport etc.

You need some cheap legal advice- or look online- don't forget there may be loads of stuff you have to change including house ownership, jointly owned anything etc etc.

I didn't take my DH's name, nor did our three kids.
Similar reasons to Bundle originally and DH had no problems, quite pleased I think to start a new family with no outward links to messed-up dysfunctional parents, who did have a thing or two to say on the matter. Now DH gets called MrCheerful at school, which doesn't bother him at all.

custy you need www.deedpoll.co.uk

whoops- make that www.deedpoll.org

Message withdrawn

Go for it. My aunt uses Mrs Maidenname as the ms, miss thing annoyed her.

Are you OK, Custy?

my sil is known professionally by her maiden name and socially by her married name.

i think you need to give this a lot of thought. that you told him in the middle of an argument sounds a bit like a knee-jerk reaction to me. maybe there are things you need to change in your relationship, and i suspect that once you change your name back, you might feel a bit better for a while but it won't change the underlying problem.

missing your family is another thing. i felt the same as i thought my surname was quite unusual but once i realized there were quite a few running around in other parts of the world, i'm not quite so attached. plus it's actually a crap surname.

to recap: i think this is not the solution. i think you need to do more thinking before changing something that will mean quite a bit of explaining if you want to u-turn.

Custy - you sound unhappy.

I kept my maiden name for work and use my married surname for home. works for me.

I thought you just had to inform places like the bank in writing that from now on you will be known as _. Though it might be quicker all round to use deed poll and just wave the same certificate every time you need to, rather than writing tons of letters.

I didn't change. DH would have liked me to, but didn't pressure me as he knew how important it was to me, as part of my feminist beliefs. To those who think this contradicts getting married, I have always said that I was happy to make public promises about my relationship, and to wear a ring as a public sign of it, but that doesn't mean my whole identity has changed, and therefore I don't want to change the name I was born with and grew up with. Yes, I know it's still a patriarchal signifier of being my father's property, but no system's perfect, is it?

I do get called by my DH's name often in certain circumstances, mostly on birthday cards (family on both sides just assume I've changed, a lot of the time) and by plumbers etc. I just let that go for the most part. I expect to be called Mrs DH a lot when DS goes to school and will let that go too. But I have no formal documentation in DH's name at all, so I am legally EC in everything. (Well, I think I have one crappy thing like an RAC membership card - they assumed and I thought one item in DH's name might be useful.)

The only time I regret this is at times now that I have DS and would like us all to have the same name. Not going to happen without double-barrelling, which I don't like. I may move a bit further into being Mrs DH as DS gets older, but I can't see myself ever changing fully and properly.

You only need deed poll to change your first name.

I never changed my surname (and am glad now). My h didn't mind. It was the two families that were shocked (not that I was bothered).

A bit like you Custy, it is a bit of a link to my Dad, who died when I was young. My Mum married again and I hung onto my Dad's name and wasn't going to change it when getting married.

As long as you let everyone know that your surname is now xyz then all is fine.

Do what you want

thanks everyone you can be a kind lot sometimes

i think i will do the work home split. I will wait until i get another job and then use my name there.

oh and stirling, you are spot on re the link to my dad