I never want to have sex again

[Droosie]

I am name changing for this post but am a regular here. Quite why I want anonymity on an internet forum where I am already anonymous I don't know LOL. My only joke in this post.

Long, long history. I am 43, separated from my DH for the past year and we live 200 miles apart. We split up after 8 years of marriage plus 2 years of courtship before that. I discovered 18 months ago that he had an addiction to telephone chat lines - you know - the adult ones. The phone bills were astronomical and as the major breadwinner I was paying them. DH was (is) self employed as an actor/performer and so his income can be sketchy at times, therefore it made sense for me to pay the bills such as rent, council tax, electric, phone etc. He did the food shopping etc when he earned enough and was supposed to do my petrol but frequently huffed and puffed when asked for cash. TBH the phone line thing was the last straw for me - especially as I discovered it was a long term issue going back years.

We have never really dealt with this issue and DH is the kind of man who buries his head in the sand and pretends it's not happening. Now we live so far apart that counselling is not really an option for us.

The problem is that DH still sees us as married and to a certain extent so do I. We get on really well which is great for DS. When DH has work in this area he stays with us but sleeps in the Conservatory. DS who has been through a lot of trauma with it all sleeps in with me - he's only 6 so I know this will not be forever and at present it helps him feel secure.

I have no desire to have sex ever again. Not with DH or anyone else. I do have a history of childhood sexual abuse to contend with too and as far as I am concerned I am enjoying not having to share a bed with anyone (apart from DS who DOES hog the bed but doesn't bother me).

I don't want to be touched again apart from a hug or a cuddle but that's it - certainly no sexual approaches are welcome. DH just does not get this and is continually asking me when I am going to let him whisk me away for a weekend. Never is my thought and I have tried to explain this to him but he doesn't want to hear it and doesn't get it. I can cope with a hug but that's all.

It complicates matters that we get on so well and to be honest I have no desire to get divorced. I don't think there will ever be anyone who I get on so well with as DH. But I don't want a sexual relationship.

At 43 I feel I am beginning to live life again and feel I want to make a stand for what I want (something I am not very good at).
Is it reasonable or normal not to want sex given my history?

DH and I get on BUT he hates the area I live in and says he could never live here.(Essex).

He will never move here and so we can never address the issue of his addiction together.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to maintain the friendship we have always had but I don't want sex with him and cannot see I ever will again. Nor can I see that I will ever feel able to have a relationship with any other man.

Worse still is that have been losing weight and exercising and DH is making lots of comments about how "fanciable" I am and squeezing my norks or bum and tbh it's pissing me off but I don't know what else to do or say to him - he's such an ostrich.

Oh it's bad - how clear have I got to be with him?

Am planning on sitting him down when he next stays and stating it all yet again.

Any advice? I would happily let him go off and have a relationship with someone else. I am beginning to realize that sex is not for me.

I would say tell him straight that you do not want sex with him and that he is at liberty to seek sex however and wherever he wants, but you don't want to hear about it.
And if he tries it on again, tell him to stop acting like a rapist. Because, really, if you want to push it, it's not inaccurate to say that making repeated sexual advances to someone who is repeatedly refusing them is rapist-like behaviour. It's certainly unacceptable behaviour.

As to whether or not you will ever want sex with someone else: I would honestly suggest that you do't worry about this right now. Sexual relationships are not compulsory and some people are really fundamentally uninterested in sex. As long as you are upfront-ish with any new partners you meet (OK, don't start the first date by saying 'BY the way, I don't do sex so you won't need that packet of three.' or anything, but don't allow a relationship to continue by saying that you 'need time' when you know you don't want sexual contact, just say that yo udon't want sex.)

Don't link the fact that you have issues with childhood abuse with the fact that you don't want to have sex - unless you are certain that is the cause. I can see your H not understanding it and it causing more problems as he will want to help you.

You can be friends for your sake anmd your child's sake but you have to tell him to stop with the groping as sex is finished for you and him.

I think you need to get divorced to draw it in the line with him that your relationship as husband and wife is over.

Thank you for this as it's helping me clarify things. Yes perhaps he is getting mixed messages from me. There are times when I talk to him as he is the only one who understands. Emotionally therefore perhaps I have not made my stance clear enough.

He is back here next Sunday and I want to try and make it clear to him that sexually we are separated. Even though we get on well for DS's sake.

Hi Droosie

I get on really well with my ex too - He also spent/spends far too much time and money on chat lines/websites ugh!

We split up 3 years ago, but get on really well as friends and parents to our kids
He visits once a week, we all spend time together and occaisionally h and I will go to eg Ikea - bizarre I know!

But we are friends and parents thats it - we split up
There is nothing else going on for either of us

If your H cant accept that I suspect you would be far better splitting up properly

HTH

You may not want a sexual relationship, but he clearly does. There is nothing wrong with your POV, but the fact that you are not actually ending this marriage is sending him very mixed messages and possibly continuing to give him hope. I think you need to make it clear that your 'romatic' attachment has come to an end by instigating a divorce. That way you are both free to pursue the type of relationships you want in the future.

I wonder how much it's a matter of 'mixed messages' and how much a matter of your H ignoring what you are saying about not wanting sex and taking the approach that if he keeps on trying to have it with you, you will give in sooner or later. He does appear to have a track record of putting his sexual needs before your feelings, after all. I think you should be very firm with him: 'We are not going to have a sexual relationship ever again.Please stop asking.'

I'm not in your exact situation however 7 years ago I left a man who was a fucking pervert and it made me feel absolutely repulsed with regards to sex. I couldn't envisage ever sleeping with another man.

I stayed celibate for 5 years - it took a long time to separate my ex's filthy outlook with a "healthy sexual relationship".

Good luck - they do say time is a healer don't they!

I think you are being a tad unfair to your DH- here we have man who fancies you to bits, but you only see him as a friend. Is it fair to "play happy families" some of the t ime, but withhold a big (sexual) part of yourself from him?

It must be torture for him, as well as being a pain for you toput up withhis advances.

It mighthelp if you both "own" your baggae- you have some, as you have said, due to sexual abuse. Only you now if this is what stops you being a sexual person. It might - I don't know how much help you have had with the issue. It might be why you don't want sex with your H, it might not be. It might be why you don't want sex at all- it might not be. Only you know- or maybe don't know and some good psychotherapy would help you find out.

You haven't said anything about how sex was with your H when you were together- is it possible he went of chat room sex cos he wasn't getting the real thing?

In any case, i think you need to sort out the current mess. If you want him as a friend only, then do the decent thing and divorce- and let him be free to find someone else. I think you both need to move-on and end the relationship except for joint access to your child.

I can see that from his point of view, the fact that he is able to stay with you and all be a family again must raise his hopes that you and he might get it together again in time. I think he will only get the message if you make a proper break- and not just say it in words.

You might also find that you do have sexual feelings again in time- but you need to separate from him, and maybe get some support to discuss it all.

Send him in the direction of SAA. Friend of mines DH had this problem, and found them to be helpful. Apparently people with addictions to sex lines and interactive internet porn are quite common at these meetings.

You really ought to address your childhood sexual abuse, too. Not so you can have sex with him, not for him, but for you. You sound like you have a lot upset feelings wrt sex that need airing, sorting and put to bed.

I think I read on another thread recently that rape crisis offer counselling for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, I'd really urge you to give them a call.

IF the reason you left him 6 months after you discovered his addiction to chat lines was because of sexual issues between both of you, then you need to do what d ( previous poster) suggests.

You post does not give any indication of what your sex life was like before the chat room addiction. If it was okay and the rest of your marriage was ok, then it seems rather an over-reaction to move away and split without trying to seek help. Maybe if you have not c ome to terms with your abuse, then sex chat room addiction was something you coudn't cope with- I wonder if you would have left him if his addiction had been to cigarettes or alcohol?

You could have counselling on your own, and I would suggest you really think about this- ideally with a psycho-sexual therapist.

I think time has gone on long enough and you need to maybe sort out divorcing. (sorry). You have to move on with your life while you are at an age when you can. I actually live in Essex and I got married two years ago at the age of 39 after being on my own for 6 years with my ds. I never ever thought I would have another relationship let alone sex with another man. But someone special did come along quite out of the blue and suddenly those feelings that I thought were gone surprisingly came back. There is a life out there for you and you are young enough to start again. I think you really need to sit down and discuss this with your husband. Good Luck

i think the short answer is you need to divorce and work on being good parents and then you need to look after yourself and start enjoying life again.Then who knows you may meet someone who is just right for you and sex will be amazing or you will be happily celibate.Either way you will be free of this

HTTM: just how is being nice to him while explaining that she doesn't want sex, giving him mixed messages? Being friendly is not an indication that you might have sex with people, especially if you have said that you do not want sex with them. He's not listening to her. He's not entitled to sex with her, and never has been (though in general if one partner in a relationship doesn't want sex there should be a discussion about how the other partner can get his/her sexual needs met ie porn, chatlines or other sexual partners - it's not fair to insist anyone remains celibate against that person's wishes).

This is more rapist-logic: 'I have had sex withe her before so therefore I can have it again.'

SG - I was expecting a reply from you and you have not disappointed.

As usual, you mis-construe what I have said- evne though a hundred others have said the same thing in this thread. Why?

I am not so daft as to think , say or believe that being nice to someone is saying you are available for sex. Stop being patronising and get off your high horse, please.

What I and almost every other poster has said, is that playing at happy families, once in a while, welcoming your H into your home and carrying on as if you are married, except for the sex, is not fair on anyone involved.

Please try not to ver react all the time- it's getting tiresome.

HTTM: just how is being nice to him while explaining that she doesn't want sex, giving him mixed messages?

Just for the record SG I did not say this. Have a go at someone else for a change, eh?
There are plenty of others to choose from on this thread saying the same thing- or didn't you notice?

Dittany has a point here: I certainly think you should say to him that if he doesn't stop asking for sex he can't stay in the house again. I appreciate that you want to have a friendly co-parent relationship with him, because that's almost always a good thing (ex-partners who hate each other makes life so much harder; if you can get on amicably that's great). I don't think you are giving out mixed messages by being polite and friendly to him but refusing sex.
But for your co-parent relationship to work he has got to accept that he is not going to get sex from you, and that he must stop asking.

Sorry I haven't been back and thank you all so much for your advice.

When we were together the sex was initially okay but died off after DS was born - mainly because I was constantly exhausted, had PND plus gall-stones. DH said it didn't matter but got increasingly fed up with it as time went on. Before I left we had not had sex for years mainly because I felt pressured by him while resenting the fact that I did everything. I paid all the bills and he huffed and puffed when asked for petrol money. He did no housework and I felt I was struggling with everything plus DS.

This is why the chat-lines were the last straw for me. He said he would stop but didn't and just before I left there was a bill for 5 for the previous month. He said that he hated himself for ringing these lines but also said the lack of sex did not help and that he felt ignored in bed. Quite honestly I was so knackered that by the time I got into bed all I wanted to do was sleep.

I am planning to talk to him this weekend and explain yet again that I will never want a sexual relationship with him again. It feels a horrible and hurtful thing to say but it's true.

I feel better than I have done for a long time and there is no sexual element to my life. I am quite happy as I am currently.

I will contact Rape crisis though and see if I can talk to someone about my childhood. I have had counselling in the past but perhaps I need to address things again now.

Thank you all once again for the time you have taken to read my long first post and to advise.

2 years without sex before I left - which I suppose is years by any definition.

as usual I agree with Solidgold's advice.

You are separated.

he stays at your place when he is visiting his son, and you get on well. That's all great. Well done to you for being mature about it all

The problem is he expects sex from you, even though you are separated. It sounds like you have told him repeatedly you are not up for this , but he keeps trying it on. He is being a it of a twonk.

Spell it out to him in words of one syllable. Tell him he is welcome to say in the spare room , but no sex with you, not now, not ever
If that makes him then not want to stay at yours then he is BEING AN UTTER TWONK

D- I feel quite sad re-reading your initial post as it implies that there is still feeling there, on both sides.

Itlooks as if your marriage broke down for a wholeload of fairly common reasons- him not doinghis fair bit, you being exhausted and maybe also not having come to terms with the abuse you suffered.

I am not saying you should have sex with him at this moment, but wonder if there is a chance of a reconciliation, seeing that you say you get on well..and that neither of you is pushing for a divorce?

I think your issues with sex need to be seen as a separate issue- it was his selfishness that killed your marriage- and sex life- and the abuse you suffered that addded to that.

Would you consider counselling as a means to starting over again with him, if it could be now and then, when he visits, for example?