I never want to have sex again

[Droosie]

I am name changing for this post but am a regular here. Quite why I want anonymity on an internet forum where I am already anonymous I don't know LOL. My only joke in this post.

Long, long history. I am 43, separated from my DH for the past year and we live 200 miles apart. We split up after 8 years of marriage plus 2 years of courtship before that. I discovered 18 months ago that he had an addiction to telephone chat lines - you know - the adult ones. The phone bills were astronomical and as the major breadwinner I was paying them. DH was (is) self employed as an actor/performer and so his income can be sketchy at times, therefore it made sense for me to pay the bills such as rent, council tax, electric, phone etc. He did the food shopping etc when he earned enough and was supposed to do my petrol but frequently huffed and puffed when asked for cash. TBH the phone line thing was the last straw for me - especially as I discovered it was a long term issue going back years.

We have never really dealt with this issue and DH is the kind of man who buries his head in the sand and pretends it's not happening. Now we live so far apart that counselling is not really an option for us.

The problem is that DH still sees us as married and to a certain extent so do I. We get on really well which is great for DS. When DH has work in this area he stays with us but sleeps in the Conservatory. DS who has been through a lot of trauma with it all sleeps in with me - he's only 6 so I know this will not be forever and at present it helps him feel secure.

I have no desire to have sex ever again. Not with DH or anyone else. I do have a history of childhood sexual abuse to contend with too and as far as I am concerned I am enjoying not having to share a bed with anyone (apart from DS who DOES hog the bed but doesn't bother me).

I don't want to be touched again apart from a hug or a cuddle but that's it - certainly no sexual approaches are welcome. DH just does not get this and is continually asking me when I am going to let him whisk me away for a weekend. Never is my thought and I have tried to explain this to him but he doesn't want to hear it and doesn't get it. I can cope with a hug but that's all.

It complicates matters that we get on so well and to be honest I have no desire to get divorced. I don't think there will ever be anyone who I get on so well with as DH. But I don't want a sexual relationship.

At 43 I feel I am beginning to live life again and feel I want to make a stand for what I want (something I am not very good at).
Is it reasonable or normal not to want sex given my history?

DH and I get on BUT he hates the area I live in and says he could never live here.(Essex).

He will never move here and so we can never address the issue of his addiction together.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I want to maintain the friendship we have always had but I don't want sex with him and cannot see I ever will again. Nor can I see that I will ever feel able to have a relationship with any other man.

Worse still is that have been losing weight and exercising and DH is making lots of comments about how "fanciable" I am and squeezing my norks or bum and tbh it's pissing me off but I don't know what else to do or say to him - he's such an ostrich.

Oh it's bad - how clear have I got to be with him?

Am planning on sitting him down when he next stays and stating it all yet again.

Any advice? I would happily let him go off and have a relationship with someone else. I am beginning to realize that sex is not for me.

i wouldn't really blame him for using phone sex lines after two years of a sex-free marriage, though of course he should finance such things himself. And he should have talked to you about it. But you should have talked to him openly as well about your unwillingness to have sex.

I agree that you need to draw a line under the issue and let him know you do not want to reignite a physical relationship. But unless you can work out a platonic situation, it sounds like you need to acknowledge that the marriage is well and truly over then.

I hope you find some peace addressing your childhood issues, and maybe will even want sex again someday ... 43 seems young to cut off that part of life.

I agree that it is understandable, but the basic issue in your relationship- the breakdown of it and the current situation- seems to be lack of communuication.

I wonder if you let your anger fester when he wasn't pulling his weight at home- then the sex suffered, then he got addicted to the chats...

you clearly feel a lot for him still in many ways, and maybe he feels the same for you- and because he cannot put his feelings into words he thinks that making advances to you is one way of showing it!

If he was able to attend counselling it might help. Yes there are still feelings both sides. I have never met a man I get on with so well as DH. He still has the ability to make me laugh out loud.

Yes my anger definitely festered but the chat line addiction wasn't just about the lack of sex in our marriage - it pre-dated me by many years. It definitely escalated due to lack of sex from me though.

I honestly think the sex side of our relationship is over though and as such I need to make sure he well and truly understands this. He will then be free to seek that elsewhere.

Our DS is my biggest concern and it is important to me that we spend time together as a family with DS even if we are separated. DS adores his Dad and his Dad adores him.
We are taking DS camping in August - going with a crowd of friends and sleeping in a two room tent - DS and I in one room and DH in the other room. This is fine and is all I want - times when DS can experience normal life with both parents. I have to be a bit clearer about the boundaries though.

droosie- is the sex side over because you no longer fancy him- or because of the anger at him- or because of the abuse?

It is possible that you have put the lid on your sexual side because of the history.

You are not compelled to have sex with anyone again ever, but could you begin to think that it might happen one day, and that if you still care about your H it might be worth trying to build bridges?

You see I think that the H has completely and utterly forfeited any right to expect sex from the OP ever purely by this consistent refusal to listen to her when she says she doesn't want sex. This isn't 'mixed messages', this is him thinking that if he keeps on at her she will give in eventually, because what she really needs is a good shag. It is perfeclty possible to be fond of someone and friendly towards them without wanting to have sex, but it becomes very tiresome for every friendly word or gesture to be taken as a cue to start asking for sex, which it sounds like may be happening here.
He won't go to counselling with her, he isn't prepared to move to be nearer her and his DC, he just has a sense of entitlement to sex with her because she is is (X) wife. That's not a mindset calculated to turn anyone on very much, particularly someone with a libido which is low (for whatever reason).

I think the conversation here has moved on considerably since the first post by d.

It is no longer simply about being pestered for sex, whilst being separated- it is more about why the marriage broke down, and how they still feel a lot for each other.

It seems clear that both the OP and her H have problems communicating openly.

Given that they have a son whom they both care for dearly- and want to have some semblance of family life together as a couple, it seems reasonable suggest ways of reconciliation, if at all possible.

OP- I can see quite clearly that if you have a history of abuse AND your H is coming on strong wanting sex when your relationship has deteriorated for all kinds of reasons, then sex is not something you want. That part of you has shut down.

However, if people are willing to change, they can be given a 2nd chance, especially when you care for them and have a child.

I think you either have to divorce, and draw aline under this, so your H is free to meet other women and meet his sexual needs, or give yourselves a chance to start again, with a lot of counselling and pyscho-sexual counselling that might help you.

solidgold has hit the nail on the head with regard to his refusal to listen when I say I don't want sex - it is indeed him thinking that if he keeps on enough I will eventually give in.
HTTM - you are correct with regard to our feelings towards each other. IF he moved nearer so we could attend counselling I might be prepared to address the issues with him. The reality is though that he will not move here. He loves the west Country - it was a lifelong dream to live there and that has taken priority over me and DS. I did beg him for a long while to reconsider this but he wouldn't - eventually by the time he agreed - too much time had gone by. He doesn't like where I live - a council estate - or Essex in general. So even when he eventually agreed to come here it was with very bad grace and I told him not to bother.

So we have the current situation. Him in Somerset, me here in Essex and him wanting to maintain the status quo. He still says he loves me and in my own way I love him - but it's not a sexual love any longer and I don't want sex with him. You are right that I need to draw a line under this.