In an affair

[ladyslapper]

I know I am going to get slated coming on here after reading and commenting on the other threads, but I have started up in an affair again after being apart for a year please someone knock some sense into me, as its making me feel sick knowing what i am doing.

How do i walk away?

enid blyton world! hahahaha I bloody wish!

"a decent person would end their "old, tired relationship" to be free to be with the new person."

"We all know of couples who split because one of them has found another person. Many people need the "push" of another person to make them leave"

Are we not both saying the same thing?

IMO, if you meet someone else and you fall in love with them, then a decent person will end their current relationship to be with the new person. I don't think that's unreasonable or asking too much of a person.

hecate- i think we are agreeing. The only point I would add is that in some cases it is not such an easy decision, which is why people ( women as well as men) want to have their cake and eat it- or keep their options open.

Emotions are not logical and trying to find a logical solution to an emotional issue is never easy.

Feeling very sick and I dont want to do it, but if I dont I will end up even more heart broken like I did last time and I dont want to feel that pain ever again

Must be strong and arrange to see him tomorrow so that I can tell him and have some closure to this affair.

If you want to make it more "final", tell him that if he contacts you again, you will tell his wife. You don't have to actually mean it, just make him think you do.

That will send him screaming for the hills.

And, once you have done it, you need to start asking yourself why you feel so powerfully drawn to someone who is not available to you, has been nasty to you, and has hurt you deeply.

Dollius I have been asking myself that for the last 6 months why I still love and not managed to move on

I can feel that its making me ill again, as i dont want to eat,cant sleep and just want to burst into tears.

You sound like you might be suffering from anxiety or even depression. And that may be because of some underlying issue that this has brought back to you.

I would strongly advise a visit to your GP about how you are feeling at the moment, and also consider counselling to get to the bottom of what is causing you to hurt yourself in this way.

The reason you are feeling sick with the thought of ending this affair is because that will mean taking a serious step towards confronting whatever it is that makes this man seem so irresistible to you.

It's a big step because it's admitting to yourself that there is something that needs to be fixed.

Perhaps it would be easier not to do it face to face, but to either phone or email him to end it? Will he talk you round? Will he put pressure on you if you see him in person?

Make sure you do this so that it will be done, don't put yourself in a situation where you know you will not be able to resist him.

Thats what I was thinking but I was going to wait while I come back off holiday and see how I feel them.

What makes me mad is that I had just started to feel normal again then he came back into my life , and i end up with dark thoughts in my head.

While he is clearly an opportunistic bell-end (as others have said, it's quite likely that whoever else he was shagging has dumped him, hence hsi reappearance) it does sound like there are some issues you need to sort out in your own mind as to why you feel drawn to idiots like him. It's not compuslory to have a partner, and much better to be single than to be involved with someone who doesn't treat you with kindness and consideration.

Yes, but you do realise that it is you that is making you feel that way, don't you? Not him. That's what you have to get to the bottom of.

You should do what you are comfortable with, wrt ending it. Personally, I would send that email before my holiday and then go away and really try to get that man out of my system. Otherwise I would spend the holiday worrying about ending it.

Then come back and make a new start at sorting out my own emotional issues. And completely block his attempts to contact you.

That's why I suggested the threatening to tell his wife tactic. As that might prompt him to leave you alone, thus making the job easier for you.

Whatever happens, you MUST end this affair. It is damaging you and you will just feel worse and worse if you let it continue.

I think i know what the underlying issues are, as prior to meeting this man I was just going through a divorce after leaving my abusive husband and also at the same time was grieving due to the death of my dd

I am so sorry to hear about your dd - that must have been unbearable.

I could well imagine that the death of one of my children would drive me to self-destructive behaviour.

I know nothing about what a bereaved parent must go through, but I do understand that bereaved parents often carry around a terrible sense of guilt for not being able to prevent what happened what happened to their DC. They find ways to punish themselves, as you may be doing now.

Have you not had any counselling for this at all?

Take a look at Fadingaway's 'please help, my husband left today' thread. That should knock some sense into you.

Yes I have it still doesnt take the pain away though and it was all happened at the same time as leaving my abusive husband five years ago

Have just been reading that thread botty

It sounds as if you have been through a great deal and suffered a lot.

I think you need more support to get you through this.

I would really urge you to see your GP and talk about how you are feeling and that you have had a very traumatic time in the past.

I honestly think this affair is a red herring - you need to end it, and move towards solving what the real problem is - surviving an abusive marriage, losing your little girl, perhaps other childhood issues as well. I think those are a hell of a lot for one person to bear alone.

Clearly counselling didn't work terribly well for you before, but sometimes we have to be "ready" for it to work.

I suspect this crisis you are going through now is the signal that you are ready to deal with what you have been through.

Oh you poor poor girl, what a lot of shit you have had to put up with. (And what a shit this man is, talk about opportunistic, preying on a vulnerable, grieving woman for a quick shag. SOrry but if he was a remotely decent man who really loved you he would leave you alone unless and until he is single.)
Tell him to get lost, block all further contact with him and get some help and support to heal yourself: there are good counsellors out there but you may have to try out a few before you find one who suits.

Sorry Ladyslapper - posted before reading about your DD

oh goodness,you have suffered enough.you do deserve better

sit down deep breath

• recall happier times
• when you wouldn't have looked at a shit like this man
• because you are too smart clever for this nonsense.you just arent acting it at the mo
• your judgement is impaired,and he is over you like a rash

unfortunately trauma (such as bereavement) can touch a deep and raw nerve of self destruction were we unconsciously punish ourselves.wither by substance or life choices

the pain of a lost child is like someone ripping out your heart and stealing your dreams

when you are ready seek out counselling

I know I do deserve a whole lot better and its just having the courage to walk away, which hopefully when i see him tomorrow i will have.

I find it really hard to talk to anyone as i feel i am letting my self down by saying i cant cope with things. I just wanted someone to take the pain anyway not cause more.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter.

I agree with scottishmummy, I think you need some help and there is nothing shameful in that at all.

Sorry to hear about your dd and previous abusive relationship.

This one is abusive in a different way. This man is using you. You deserve better.