In an affair

[ladyslapper]

I know I am going to get slated coming on here after reading and commenting on the other threads, but I have started up in an affair again after being apart for a year please someone knock some sense into me, as its making me feel sick knowing what i am doing.

How do i walk away?

i know i have been thinking the same after reading alot of the other threads.

Sorry, crossed wires.

I think there are two reasons why he's got back in contact

1. He has been struggling with his feelings and really missing you

2.He is a cowardly fuckwit who, as rtp so rightly says, wants to keep his options open.

As he is still with his wife at this moment, I plump for option 2.

Yes you are more than likely right and i need to see that.

well he should have just stopped away after 6 months i was just coming to terms of not seeing him any more.

Yes, so he is not only cruel to his wife, he is cruel to you.

Sorry for being harsh but I'm in a way going thru a similar thing with my ex; you can't just turn off your feelings and stop loving someone but i need to remind myself of all the awful things he's done and stop wishing he was back.

Like you say, life is short and you don't want to spend years moping about this man when you could be looking for someone and something so much better.

i know i just love him to bits and i wish i didnt, but in the past he has been nasty to me. I have to keep thinking of all the stuff that he said to me

what do you want a bunch of strangers to tell you?

you already know the answer.just you lack the moral fibre and confidence to do the right thing

this will only change when you decide to.

until then you will e the other woman,quick leg over before he goes back to his wife (any childrem?)

when you were a wee girl dreaming of meeting Mr Right bet you didn't envisage this.some have his cake and eat it git having you and a wife

Let me try and put a spin on it as if you were a very dear friend of mine who, despite being a devout Christian, had an affair with a married man who was also a friend of ours. (This was about 6 years ago and no children were involved, the marriage was on the rocks and my friend genuinely is a good person even though her behaviour was not).

She has a very critical father, and has spent much of her life trying to live up to or defy his expectations. To wit: failing her degree but becoming a devout Catholic (not sure which he regards as worse, to be quite honest). She has a difficult history with men and this guy [the married man] was very charismatic, very supportive, very loving. She said she lived through the period as if in a dream, it was happening to someone else and not to her. (I've heard this from other friends who have had affairs too, I assume a 'normal' piece of behaviour allowing the brain to contemplate actions we know are morallly wrong).

It seems at the time as if the "but he loves me"/"but I love him" argument is reason enough. It isn't. More of the fault lies with him than with you; if you didn't indulge his infidelity someone else would. But if he loved you is this how he would act?

I wonder now what that married man thought he was doing at the time; not long after my friend called it a day he started up a disastrous affair with a newly-wed, and was hitting on me and other female friends at the same time. Did he think it was a cry for help? I dread to think. Your man may not be (surely to god isn't) behaving as badly as that but it's all part of the same behaviour. Either he wants his marriage or he doesn't. What you are facilitating is the gap between either decision.

Were you raised to think of romantic love as some kind of external, supernatural force that you have no control over? Unfortunately a lot of people do peddle that particular line of crap, and it's not a very helpful way of thinking.
Now it is perfeclty possible for someone to be in love with more than one person at a time ie your man may well not be lying if he claims to love both you and his wife. However, the ethical way to deal with such a situation is cards-on-the-table -'I am not prepared to give either of you up, I love you both and would be happy to have a relationship with you both and allow you to have other relationships.' THis gives either/both other people the opportunity to decide whether they could live that way or not.
Fannying around being 'torn in two' is self-indulgent and unfair as it puts the 'two; in a miserably passive position and makes everything about the non-monogamous individual.
TBH your man is probably following the old familiar path of wanting Wifey to provide domestic service and you to provide additional sexual service, while both of you provide endless ego-stroking.

treat yourself properly don't allow yourself to be the OW

surely you deserve more than hanging on the whom o someone else who despite what he says isn't able to commit to you.

face it if he wanted to he would
he doesn't want to

ignore his calls
go to gym
go out divert from him

you will never find happiness skulking around as the other woman.

time wasted with this loser is time not spent being good to yourself with some who is free to love you unreservedly.not just when the wife isnt looking

"I cant understand why he came back after 6 months of no contact "

Because he CAN. His wife has probably started trusting him again, so he reckon he can.

Nasty piece of work, if you ask me.

I don't think anyone has said yet: you are intoxicated and therefore deluded. Having an affair with someone is not the same as having a relationship.

It is a non-committed relationship. Even from you, even if your marriage has already ended.

Most affairs like this end in tears for the protagonists also (as well as their bereft exes). It's called the 'transitional relationship' - the one you use to get out of the relationship you were in.

You don't really want each other, if you did you both wouldn't have made such a secretive, arms length, stupid choice. And once you find out (if you ever do) what each other is really like, the spice will have worn off.

Give it up. There are other people, more available to fall in love with. If your marriage is over, give yourself and your child time to get over it. Then you can allow yourself to feel intoxicated with someone actually available.

If you both have no respect for yourselves or the mother of his child maybe you should have some for the child whos father you want to take from her, although thinking about it his wife deserves better so maybe you and he were made for each other

I need to start thinking of his wife and child and walk away now before I fall deeper in to this situation.

And start having more respect for myself

why has he got in contact with you after 6 months?

sex?

perhaps he had someone else on the side for those 6 months and that's ended.

Because the type of man who will do this, will more often than not do it with more than one woman. You are probably not the first, and probably won't be the last.

Let's forget for a moment that you are a party to a horrible thing being done to some poor woman. Let's just think about you. You are worth more than to be someone's bit on the side, aren't you?

If he loves you, he'll make the choice to be with you, not snatch a moment for some extra sex every now and again.

But even if he left his wife and became your partner - how could you ever trust someone who has proven themselves capable of such deceit? When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy, so the saying goes, and sadly it is all too often the truth.

Change your house number.

Have some self respect FGS, you got through the worst bit in having no contact with him for 6 months, you've just proved to him he has the capability to pick you up and put you down whenever he feels like it.....he's a knob and you should know better. Whats the point to this, you would never ever have trust in the guy because as someone has already mentioned, he's done it before, he'd do it again but to you this time.

Come on, do yourself a favour and move on.

Need to say that we havent got involved in any sexual activities as yet

what, never? or just not this time after the 6 month break.

Also very telling that you say "as yet". It tells me that in your heart of hearts, you know you are probably going to carry on with this.

Groan. Just found out my stbx has been having an affair. I spoke to her and took great pleasure in letting her know she was nothing more than a cheap shag, nothing more.
He didnt take her out, didnt do any normal couple things, just a cheap nasty secret to boost his ego , and she bought all this crap about how much he loved her ect. Loved the fact she was a sucker and took her knickers off more like.
Goes without saying she didnt like hearing this and stupidly beleived that although hes lied to me and the dcs frequently shes so special he would never lie to her.!

Loved her my arse, now its come out hes dropped her like a hot turd. Quite frankly if i bumped into this idiot woman id happily beat her senseless.

Get some self respect and get away from this loser , dont you feel you deserve a man of your own or are you happy to sit around begging for scraps ? Also think about the impact on your own child, not much of an example is it, and even if you think they dont know, i assure you theyll know somethings wrong , my young dcs pointed out that dad didnt seem his normal self and they suspected.

Bet he didnt leave his wife,,bet she kicked him out, no guesses why.He might tell you his wife means nothing to him,, but i absoluteley assure you,, you mean even less.

Just noticed you say hes been nasty in the past.Doesnt sound like much of a catch does he.
Chances are, you are meeting some of his needs that his wife is not,,sounds like you are probably willing to put up with some of the shit that she wont.
She probably wont be kept dangling , treated like a tart or allow nasty behaviour whereas you do.

He will more than likeley like the things you offer him, and the distorted wonderful version of himself that you reflect back to him,,,a lot more than he actually likes you.

Perhaps have a read up about affairs and the dynamics of them.Aparently you have roughly a 2 per cent chance of this going anywhere.
Its built on lies and deceit , nothing more, its a fantasy and is not real.
The idiot who thought it ok to boff my ex is more than welcome to him,,she might like being lied to, treated with a lack of respect,, but i dont , and i wont put up with it.
As it happens he doesnt want her, he has no respect for her and sees her as a cheap tart.Pity because i dont think she,d have liked the real person he actually was.

I think some of you are a bit deluded. It does sometimes happen that someone falls in love with someone else and leaves their old, tired relationship for the new relationship. I'm not defending it especially. But if people are honest, it's just something that is not entirely unlikely to happen if you are in a relationship that hasn't really stood the test of time.

It's the deceit that really hurts. If someone says, look I had lunch with this lovely woman at work and I started thinking what if it became more, then a frank conversation about the original relationship could ensue.

Meant we havent had sex this time as yet.

well really i feel that seeing as he has got a second chance at his marriage why isnt he giving it a go? He should do he made his choice.

Instead of making a 40 mile round trip to come and see me.

I meant that he said some horrible things to me in the past

I have been awake all night thinking about this and I am not going to see him again.

Do I tell him that or do I just leave it?

absolutely it happens, Voltaire. And a decent person would end their "old, tired relationship" to be free to be with the new person.

Not get with someone (more than one maybe) else every now and again while all the time hanging onto the wife and home.

OP - nobody can tell you what to do of course, but in your place, I'd tell him to contact me only with his divorce papers in hand, otherwise have a nice life!

Either, as Voltaire says, it's love, in which case he will leave his marriage and make himself free to be with you, or he'll look for another shag somewhere else, pity his wife.

"absolutely it happens, Voltaire. And a decent person would end their "old, tired relationship" to be free to be with the new person"

not always- that might be some people's ideal way of living, but life isn't like that is it? We all know of couples who split because one of them has found another person. I don't think you should judge. Life is not black and white. Many people need the "push" of another person to make them leave. There is a big difference between someone who is staying in a tired relationship, feeling unloved or notloving enough, and is too scared to leave until they happen to meet someone else, and another person who stays but, in a cold and calculating way, is looking around for another potential partner.

People meet other people when they are married . It happens all the time. No, deceit is not right, and I don't agree with that, but I also think some posters here live in a kind of Enid Blyton world.

OP- you must tell him- why on earth not?

Just leave it because if you tell him he will tell you some more lies about what you mean to him, which you don't, and you know he's liar because he's lying to his wife, and cheaters also lie to their children about time spent away from them.

I am going to tell him, will do that tomorrow before I go away for 2 weeks and that will give me a chance to be stronger for when I come home.

It breaks me heart to do it as I do love him but I know I deserve better.