my nickname says it all really

[unsurewhattodo]

i have name changed as i am a regular and really need some help as what to do without anyone knowing me personally

anyway dp and i have been together 5 yrs but things haven't been right for last 3 we argue we seem to be drifting apart and wanting different things

anyway we get on to certain degree but he works a lot and can be away so tend to spend a lot of time apart

but when we try to do things together we just dont get on we seem to only get on if were in different rooms or spend as little time together

this did used to make me sad but to be honest his just come back from working away and is so miserable again and it just makes me unhappy he doesn't seem happy to be with us we have 1 ds with sn

if i mention separating he gets really sad so i know he cares but his not one to show it he likes things his way we cant talk if we argue its normally always down to me he doesn't take responsibility for his actions , he doesn't really support me much with things i tend to be left alone doing it all

but he is a good man and works hard for us and doesn't go out much at all he does love us but we don't discuss future , he doesn't want more children we haven't discussed marriage as last few years he has said we don't get on well enough

im so confused im scared to be alone i do love him but dont feel ive been in love with him for along time but im sure he feels the same

were just turning out complete opposites we rarely like the same thing anymore

we rarely have sex i just dont feel i want to as most of time were not getting on

he is a nice person im just not sure we should stay together and settle or we should both move on and have a chance of being really happy

it scares me to think he would have no where to go and he'd have to start all over
it worries me i'll lose the financial security and some of the things that he pays for internet mobile etc silly but these are my life line

but i worry because i care about him most of all but i dont feel much anymore

just need to know if anyone else has come through this and stayed together or have you chose to split

i feel the more time is going on we've lost too much that we cant get back and as much as i love him a s a person we should be apart

his been home less than a day and i feel down again as we struggle to connect

i have tried i really have every year we nearly break up but stay together maybe we both fear losing what we have

im just so confused i cry at the thought of him moving out and starting again as i care for him but i wonder if we'd both be happier in the long run it would just be so sad

the thing is were not really friends neither one of us feel we are but we do get on if you know what i mean we can get on really well but the support isnt there when needed

just need to rant i guess this would be the 3rd yr of feeling like this im thinking we've tried we really have but its not working then i wake another day and think we can get on and do this we just never quite get there
that feeling just isnt there

thanks for letting me rant i guess we have just grown apart its just sad

to be honest i hate myself for thinking like this i feel so guilty but just unsure how much more i can take
we dont even plan holidays whenever we mentioned holidays before he wanted it without ds

what do i do im so sad and confused as i do care for him

hi just wanted to say you sound very sad and i hope you find a way to sort this out, i'm not sure what to advise, hopefully someone will be along soon to help more practically, but i just wanted to send you some kind thoughts. It must be very hard to deal with. It sounds like you know it is over, but are just too scared to finally sever the link.

thank you i do know it i just dont want it to be i just cant see us ever returning to what we had as its been gone last few years we've just survived by pure luck i think

but he gets so sad so i know he cares its just not enough when i need it just when i mention leaving he gets so upset but then so do i

im wandering if were both just settling as its easier just need to find a way to deal with this to think straight

I would try to get some counselling and give it one last go of really trying to make it work. If it doesn't work after that, at least you know thtatr you did everything you could to make it work.

do you ever go out as a couple, just on your own? it sounds daft, but maybe you just need abit of you and him time, remember why you fell in love.
is your son demanding,are you tired? am not trying to piss you off honestly, but you mentioned he was sn. really dont want to offend you, you sound so sad

i am really tired but we do try to go out together we just dont get on again if we dont speak much lol we get on great

to be honest im disliking his attitude he has turned arrogant and moans about everything we cant have a laugh anymore

he wont do counseling he says were ok

i get out as often as i can which he doesn't mind and is always willing to look after ds

i think in all honesty we grew apart too long ago to repair and were just staying together as we are happy when we get on but its just not often enough

yet im still too scared to leave but when he starts i just wish i wasn't here

his become a totally different person more self absorbed moody and hard to get on with

we are total opposites now we used to like the same things and do the same things but gradually we are changing and sadly its not together

how about a weekend away, just the 2 of you. get away from all the crap life throws at you. somewhere you went when you were 1st together.

A friend of mine dithered in a relationship like this for about 5 years- he was a good man, but there was a lot of grumpiness and problems in the bedroom. They didn't have kids, but she thought it would be too hard to start from scratch if she wanted children before it was too late. She just wasn't really in love with him though, much as she cared about him and respected him. She wondered if it was silly to bail out for what might be a daft romantic dream of "falling in love"...

I know all this because she moaned to me about it, at length(!) for YEARS

Anyway, they split up eventually and she had a tough three years or so on her own where she made new friends, took up yoga etc, basically got to know herself and develop her social life and friendships and career. It was lonely sometimes (more moaning!) but just when she'd got her head round being responsible for her own happiness she met the man of her dreams and fell madly in love, married him, baby straightaway and working on number two...I have never seen her so happy in years of knowing her, and her and her dh seem so well-suited and loving with each other.

I think if she had stayed in the "good enough" relationship she would have ended up bitter and cynical, quite possibly had an affair etc.

If you've been "trying" this long and are still moaning and miserable together then you are wasting your life. You only get one you know!

lol that would be no where then lol
he likes to work alot we have only had 1 holiday

to be honest going away for weekend fills me with dread as i just know how he is and his attitude

i guess i'll need to face facts that we were actually over along time ago we've just managed to keep things going

im just not sure i can continue living like this i want to be truly happy again and i want him to be happy but that may have to be without each other

How old are your children? is he their father?

from what you say, you have been together for 5 years but unhappy for 3- that's not a good history is it?

I think you need to really think about what it is/was that attracted you to him- and is it still there? also, if you do have children, you need to think of them too.

I don't think something like not being able to afford to run a mobile phone for yourself is reason to stay together? Do you work?how would you manage if he leaves? Is thehouse rented or jointly owned?

BOF thats what ive been thinking i want more children he doesn't i want marriage he doesn't im not so bothered but it just shows me how much i want that he doesn't

if we got on better then i would probably be ok but i guess i know in my heart that we wont last as i sometimes really dont like him

his attitude is always the world is out to get him its always somebody else's fault

i am still moaning lol i know i need to put up and shut up or do something about it ' it just makes me feel so sad im so relaxed away from him but don't know how id feel not having him in my life anymore iyswim

ok i guess i need to seriously think do i want to be here in 5 yrs its been a struggle last 3

or in 5 yrs we could both be blissfully happy but apart

Exactly- shit or get off the pot as they say

what do you do? do you work at all? I feel it's sad that you say your internet and mobile are your lifeline. Maybe you need to put more into your own life and build that up. Have you got kids and what age?

lol i know the mobile thing was just an incident lol its silly but its a way of life foe us now i guess

ds is young wont say age in case i sound recognizable he is dp we don't argue a lot it doesn't affect ds he is usually asleep when dp goes and comes in from work and i tend to try and let them have time together when he is home

i dont work as ds has sn im main carer
we are housing trust so id get to stay in property
i cope alot on my own anyway as can hardly see him at times but always know he'll be home iyswim

its hard its letting go of someone that did and does mean alot but just not in the same way anymore i know he'd be heartbroken and i hate to see him sad

im just not sure if i can continue thinking of others all the time and need to make myself happy

unsure- I feel you are ignoring my questions? ?????

sorry- x-d posts

as im stuck in alot with him at work talking to freinds on line or on the phone is what keep me sane

cant really get baby sitter all the time or leave ds alot as he has sn

so its quite hard

i just need to think long and hard

thank you for all your time and help i will maybe give it a time scale in my mind that if we really cant make a go of this one last time then i shall do what i need to do for ds sake one last try i'll talk with dp see if we can make changes make more effort if it falls away again i know its over then in my heart i know ive given all i can

There might be groups and playschemes etc you can get involved in during the day- do you have a social worker?

The plus side to splitting up with my ex in terms of my own sn dd is that he has her overnight on a regular basis so I get a complete break every so often- and I managed to find true love with all the demands a child with extra needs involves: it can be done!

I can't tell you what a weight off my shoulders getting out of the relationship with her dad was- but that's a story for another time!

Anyway, you've been treading water for too long now. Shit, or get off the pot as they say!

Good luck!

humour me....

If a fairy godmother appeared infront of you with a little wand and said, ok, I can press fastforward for you so that it's all neatly behind you. You'll have ended it, and he's accepted it now and you've both begun to move on and find happiness again..

would you say yes please????

If so, it's just the change, and the adjustment and the emotionally draining discussions and heart to hearts that you're dreading, and that'd be entirely understandable and normal. But don't sacrafice ALL of your life for the sake of an easy life in the short term.

That is brilliant advice- well put!

Well posted Maggie. That's it isn't it. The adjusting, the making the move.

the discussions........
endless discussions

Thanks! having the t-shirt helps I guess

The first few months are hard, there's no getting away from it. I didn't even love my x when I left, but there was still sadness and regret and disappointment.. and anger on my part. But you can't stay just to bury those feelings, but it's like putting a finger in a damm.

I'm SO much happier now.