my nickname says it all really

[unsurewhattodo]

i have name changed as i am a regular and really need some help as what to do without anyone knowing me personally

anyway dp and i have been together 5 yrs but things haven't been right for last 3 we argue we seem to be drifting apart and wanting different things

anyway we get on to certain degree but he works a lot and can be away so tend to spend a lot of time apart

but when we try to do things together we just dont get on we seem to only get on if were in different rooms or spend as little time together

this did used to make me sad but to be honest his just come back from working away and is so miserable again and it just makes me unhappy he doesn't seem happy to be with us we have 1 ds with sn

if i mention separating he gets really sad so i know he cares but his not one to show it he likes things his way we cant talk if we argue its normally always down to me he doesn't take responsibility for his actions , he doesn't really support me much with things i tend to be left alone doing it all

but he is a good man and works hard for us and doesn't go out much at all he does love us but we don't discuss future , he doesn't want more children we haven't discussed marriage as last few years he has said we don't get on well enough

im so confused im scared to be alone i do love him but dont feel ive been in love with him for along time but im sure he feels the same

were just turning out complete opposites we rarely like the same thing anymore

we rarely have sex i just dont feel i want to as most of time were not getting on

he is a nice person im just not sure we should stay together and settle or we should both move on and have a chance of being really happy

it scares me to think he would have no where to go and he'd have to start all over
it worries me i'll lose the financial security and some of the things that he pays for internet mobile etc silly but these are my life line

but i worry because i care about him most of all but i dont feel much anymore

just need to know if anyone else has come through this and stayed together or have you chose to split

i feel the more time is going on we've lost too much that we cant get back and as much as i love him a s a person we should be apart

his been home less than a day and i feel down again as we struggle to connect

i have tried i really have every year we nearly break up but stay together maybe we both fear losing what we have

im just so confused i cry at the thought of him moving out and starting again as i care for him but i wonder if we'd both be happier in the long run it would just be so sad

the thing is were not really friends neither one of us feel we are but we do get on if you know what i mean we can get on really well but the support isnt there when needed

just need to rant i guess this would be the 3rd yr of feeling like this im thinking we've tried we really have but its not working then i wake another day and think we can get on and do this we just never quite get there
that feeling just isnt there

thanks for letting me rant i guess we have just grown apart its just sad

Mine won't go. He refuses. I have to see a Lawyer on Monday. It's terrible for dc. He seems to like for them to see him cry. To make me look bad. Bloody terrible behaviour tbh.

anyway, sorry for hi-jack.

Feline, The passing of time has a way of making children figure out a few things.

Even at 7 my dd never seems to question that Mummy called time on living in misery with her father. She has never suggested even in a childlike way that I should have stayed with him merely for his convenience or for her sake. She is happier and more confident now than she was when we split.

Good luck with the lawyer. Don't continue to justify your decision over and over again. That merely feeds his belief that you are being selfish or heartless or whatever he no doubt thinks, in his temporarily martyred perspective.

thanks

thank you what great advise you are right it is the facing up to things and all the emotions that come with it i do know what i need to do

thank you all i need to go see to ds now but will check in later thanks again for all the advise and words of wisdom great to see you have come out the other side

i will feel guilt as i know he doesn't want to go not so bothered in regards to ds as he probably wont notice anyway and will be just happy to us happy i guess

i think we are both in severe denial nd always cry and try harder but it just doesn't work so we continue as we are as it is easier we both do our thing occasionally when we get on we will have sex and think its all great but it always goes back

we did get together quick ds came along quick so maybe we just didnt really know each other but have been determined to make it work we both didnt want to fail we love each other we just are no longer in love and the love we have is probably more for the person who gave a beautiful child who works hard not for who we really are

we tolerate each other thanks again must go do dinner

hack away feline if this thread can help you also make use of it

sorry your having it tough

Just bumping for you in case anyone else has any thoughts...

bumping for you sorry have no wise words but i feel for you

Nobody else?

No thoughts to share?

Advice to give?

I think maggie is right, if we could all fast forward the nasty bit, i think we were be bolder and not settle for the here and now.

its the daily dose of feeling down that grinds you even further.

try focussing on something in the future that will cheer you.

At the moment, thinking of decorating my dd's bedroom in a new house is helping take my mind of the reality that i have to go, and in doing so, i am very unlikely to ever have any more children.

I don't see why the wife/female always has to leave the marital home.

I may be thick but I just don't get why eg: a wife, her 2 children, all their clothes, a move to new school for the dc, all pets (if any), beds etc, when 1 person could lift 1 bag and leave?

Why?

Not directed at anyone I just wonder if anyone can shed light on why.

No doubt my lawyer will explain it to me today. If he tells me I have to leave though, I will be very pissed off.

No idea wtf I am grinning btw.

if you could fast forward it would certainly be easier

it hurts because i dont want to hurt him
i feel sad its come to this but just cant keep doing this every day i probably could but i want us both to have chance of being happy

but feel sad we cant make it work

its weird but i feel sad i cant keep going on as were ok iykwim we don't argue loads were in same home as ds but its just not enough anymore

we have become different people different things make us happy what he likes i dont and vise versa i just feel so sad as were so in love once i wish we could be again but i just cant love him like that too much has been said and done in between and we growing in opposite directions im beginning to resent that i wont have more children etc

and im giving this up for him yet he doesn't go out of his way for me for anything so i feel if im willing to give my dream up to make us work we need to at least work and were not its just making me sad

i do love him i know this but feel its not right i love him more a s someone i respect then someone im in love with its just so sad

the thought of him being alone not having us every day breaks my heart

but i also know given time we would get past this and start living again i just cant seem to make myself do it

all i know regarding marital home is if home is in joint names female can stay until house is sold
if house in mans name it belongs to him so female would have to leave

something along them lines it was explained to me along time ago when friend was leaving her husband

I was in a similar situation once, we loved each other dearly, but we fought a lot, couldnt seem to get it back to the way it was in the beginning. There were trust issues from cheating etc etc.. it felt like we were constantly pushing shit up hill. After 5 yrs I decided to leave, as I was wasting my life with him, was 30 and knew we would never get married or have a family together, and I didnt want to miss my chance because I spent another 5 yrs trying to make it work with him. I think you need to be brave and call it quits if there is really no hope for you.
Good luck

Can you not say that counselling is the last chance? You'd rather try that with him than go straight to separation. Some men react to that sort of ultimatum in a positive way and go, and then find that it can actually be helpful.

he doesn't see a problem he is very much in his own world likes things his way is happy if its all ok in his mind

will not talk or discuss problems without becoming shouty and talking down to me Ive given up over the years trying

we go through stages where were both unhappy going to do it and it all becomes to hard its easier to just try again but it never works we again just get on with it

he don't like talking about problems and would not do councilling as it might mean admitting he may be wrong and his never wrong always the wronged

its just too much it hurts to think about it so i push it back and try to get on and yet i could cry i sit there and think why cant it just be the way it was we have both said and done things not cheating or violence but we have both said horrible thing that neither one of us can forget

we have nearly broken up and he gets so upset that it breaks my heart we promise to try and it all goes wrong in no time were too different were trying and thats good we didnt just give up but 3 yrs later its not working still after 5 yrs but 3 bad yrs we just cant seem to let each other go its all we know i guess we have a home a child it'll destroy everything

were thinking with our hearts and not our heads

i just need to know how you get the strength how you dont feel so guilty about hurting the person you do care about

how you lose the life you know and survive id have to go on benefits and Ive never claimed its hard to work as ds has sn so need to be around for him if needed to get from school etc

dp would be alone starting again everything he has worked for would be in my home he'd have nothing i feel so guilty i ned a good slap if i could fast forward and see him happy it'd mean the world to me id hate to see him alone and sad as i will always care for him

any news how are you feeling?

well i had tearful chat with dp yesterday and told him exactly how I'm feeling we never seem to really talk we argue then forget about it

it old him if we dont talk the problems just come back and he then proceeded to tell me he only feels like this when i have done something meaning unhappy

i said i was sick of that as how can i be the only person in the relationship that does something wrong we both make mistakes why cant he ever sit back and say well maybe the way ive acted has made her feel the way she does why is it me thats made me feel that way he then said of course i do things wrong

but he doesn't voice it it's always me int he wrong
anyway i was brutally honest told him his actions do hurt me and he needs to acknowledge this i am unhappy we need to sort this out or let us go

he then got upset and told me how much he really does love me and want me and i couldn't finish it, it broke my heart i guessed if i cared then i can try one last time and ive told him so 1 more time and thats it if it wont work after this long then we have to let it go

i said i am tired of him shutting himself away on his days off i'm jealous of others who do family things , go on holiday days out etc

he says he was planning to take us away in few months just needed to find out when ds not at school

anyway we had good talk and i felt like weight had been lifted as i finally told the truth to my extent of unhappiness but i did feel like i still loved him enough to try again i think it helped that for once he didnt start shouting at me and he talked with me and admitted his actions can be wrong and there fore affect how i feel

so i have agreed one last try if we cant get that feeling back or be supportive and act like a team then i have no problems leaving he knows how i feel now so its up to him the effort he puts in

thanks for the help i will keep you informed the one difference this time he knows im serious so you never know it may be enough to work this out just for ds sake i want to try i did feel something yesterday when we were actually talking to one another no shouting being honest it felt nice and i saw a glimmer of the old him in there