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Original poster

Is it weird to visit MIL with DS even though I'v split up with DP?

36 replies

Supercherry · 21/05/2009 08:29

I always visit MIL weekly with DS. DP and I split up this week. He has just phoned me saying he doesn't think I should visit MIL as it's weird.

She loves to see DS though and we've always got on.

OP posts:

skihorse · 21/05/2009 08:38

Is one of the reasons you split up with him because he dictates who you can and cannot visit?

If your MIL doesn't want to see you I'm sure she'll let you know.

EffiePerine · 21/05/2009 08:39

She's still his grandma - good for you keeping up contact

lalalonglegs · 21/05/2009 08:39

No, it's not weird, it's nice and it shows you are not using your child for leverage over his family. Ask her if she thinks it is weird and take your cue from her response if you are worried.

throckenholt · 21/05/2009 08:39

if you and MIL are happy about it then ex DP is just going to have to be adult about it. No reason why you shouldn't be friends - especially when you have DS too - you will always have a relationship with MIL and it might as well be amicable.

Original poster

Supercherry · 21/05/2009 08:48

MIL is fine with it- she doesn't drive so she wouldn't get to see DS much otherwise. I visited yesterday as normal and she did ask why we had fell out again and I did tell her that XP had punched a hole in one of the doors in my house and some of the plaster had come off my newly plastered wall and it was all in front of DS so I wasn't putting up with his temper anymore. MIL said 'well, he didn't tell me that'. Then we carried on chatting about other stuff as normal.

Think I may have spoilt his golden boy image a little.

I didn't go to stir though, MIL loves DS, she is briliant with him , always has been, I would be mad to not want to continue the visits. It's one of the few times I get to sit down and finish my coffee a she mostly does the running around after him, she is happy to.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 21/05/2009 10:23

It's OK short term but I suspect won't continue long term. Why isn't your ex taking his son to see his mum when he has him? That would be the usual way of her seeing him. When we split I took the kids to see my parents and my ex took them to see his. If he'd trundled along to see my parents with the kids every week I would have thought it was weird and wondered what he was up to, especially if he was telling tales about my behaviour. You talk about "falling out again" though which makes this sound more like a temporary split than a relationship ending.
If you've really split up then sort out childcare arrangements so your ex can see his son. Some people do continue to see their inlaws, but not usually weekly.
Agree it's not doing anybody any harm at the moment though and at least granny gets to see the boy.

thirtypence · 21/05/2009 10:26

It might be a little weird if he wasn't your XPs son (ie she wasn't his grandma). But I don't understand what's bad about you, a grown adult seeing her, another grown adult and taking her grandson with you.

bigchris · 21/05/2009 10:28

I think yuor split is so new these things havent been decided just yet
will you gwt back togther?
in the long run presumably he will have your ds every weekend or every otehr weekend so he'll use that time to take his son to see his mother

mollyroger · 21/05/2009 10:28

Well i still (very) occasionaly meet for coffee with the mother of my first big love. She and I were always great friends and when our paths cross, we love to chat about life, the universe and our children and her grandchildren.

FabulousBakerGirl · 21/05/2009 10:30

Not weird, he is weird. I actually think it is really nice you do and very grown up. Maybe he hasn't grown up yet???

When I split with an ex I rang his mum every week for quite a while after. We were friedns, didn't see why I couldn't tbh.

FabulousBakerGirl · 21/05/2009 10:31

"rebecca you are talking nonsense. There is no reason the OP can't carry on seeing her ex MIL for the rest of her life if she wants. Maybe the 2 women are friends and want to keep in touch.

bigchris · 21/05/2009 10:36

'Why isn't your ex taking his son to see his mum when he has him?'

cos they've only been split for a week and he probably hasn't even had the kids yet?????!!

2rebecca · 21/05/2009 10:36

I said some people continue to see their inlaws, but not usually weekly. This is true. Many of my friends are divorced as am I. None of us visits our inlaws weekly. After a divorce you meet new people and do tend to move away emotionally from the family of your ex, and they distance themsleves from you. You get a new partner as does your ex.
There may be some women still visiting their ex MIL 5 years down the line but I don't know them.
That's why I said it's OK to visit weekly short term but unlikely to continue long term.

AMumInScotland · 21/05/2009 10:37

This is a person you get on well with, and is one of your DSs close relatives. Why shoulnd't you take him to visit her? If you didn't get on, or want to make a bit of distance, then you could let DP take him there when he has him to stay/visit, but as long as you get on well with her then I think its great that you encourage your DS to have that relationship.

We don't stop liking people just because the person who introduced us is no longer as close.

2rebecca · 21/05/2009 10:38

That should have read some women still visiting their MILs WEEKLY 5 years down the line.

shabster · 21/05/2009 10:43

As a MIL and a 'first time' Gran I would be very sad if, God forbid, anything happened with my son and his partners relationship. I think you are doing a fantastic thing - I would be lost without seeing my Grandson. I think, if I was you, I would probably just answer questions honestly and avoid name calling at all costs - just be the bigger person. Well done you for letting your MIL see your DS xx

warthog · 21/05/2009 11:00

my god - you ALL benefit from your visits. why stop??? i'd keep going until it became clear that one of you had a problem with it.

sounds fab! she sounds marvellous, and your exp sounds like a twat. you're well rid.

and well done for keeping the good and getting rid of the bad, and most of all for just stating facts to mil rather than shit-stirring, which must be very tempting.

harleyd · 21/05/2009 11:03

why is it weird?
my ex still goes to my dads house to watch the footie and stuff
we split up last september
if im working on a sunday, he takes the kids to my dads for lunch
i dont find it odd at all

FabulousBakerGirl · 21/05/2009 11:04

"I said some people continue to see their inlaws, but not usually weekly. This is true. Many of my friends are divorced as am I. None of us visits our inlaws weekly. After a divorce you meet new people and do tend to move away emotionally from the family of your ex, and they distance themsleves from you. You get a new partner as does your ex.
There may be some women still visiting their ex MIL 5 years down the line but I don't know them.
That's why I said it's OK to visit weekly short term but unlikely to continue long term."

Great that you think it is okay in the short term for the OP to continue to visit the grandmother of her children.

Disposable familes for you then?

littlelamb · 21/05/2009 11:07

Not wierd a all. My dd sees her dad's nan all the time, even though he barely sees her. She lives almost 300 miles away and makes such an effort to see her, it really is lovely. In fact, they were up visiting last weekend and they took her back for a little holiday with them. I just got off the phone to her and she's having a whale if a time At first I thought it would be an awkward situation, but it isn't at all, and they've said that even though me and her dad aren't together they consider me family which is lovely. No need for you to stop visiting imo

ginnny · 21/05/2009 11:37

I have been split from my dc's dad for over 6 years now and I regularly see my ex MIL and FIL. I invite them to all birthday parties, school plays etc and I still consider them to be family.
For about 2 years after the split I visited every weekend, but since i met my current dp and my life has moved on I will just drop them off or pick them up once a week, but only because that gives us some time together.
I think its great to have a good relationship with inlaws after a split. They are still your dcs grandparents after all.

ginnny · 21/05/2009 11:40

Oh and my ex MIL now buys birthday cards & presents for my current DP and his DD.
But she is unusually lovely for a MIL

shabster · 21/05/2009 11:43

Ginny it sounds like everyone is a 'winner' in your situation - that is wonderful.

gagamama · 21/05/2009 11:48

He probably doesn't want you to go because he doesn't want you telling MIL anything more about his appalling behaviour. If you get on with her and she's not being funny with you, I can't see why you shouldn't!

EightiesChick · 21/05/2009 12:22

I think this is really good. How nice that your DS has people around him who co-operate so that he can still be with those who love him. Your (ex?)P is probably thinking that his mum will 'take your side', rather than thinking that both you and she are putting DS first. Good for you.

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