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Original poster

Accepting that there will be no more children

50 replies

PremenstrualChickens · 20/05/2009 13:54

Hi. I'm new here, but have been lurking for a few weeks. I have a wonderful DH and two great DS's, aged 8 and nearly 6 (birthday next month!) We have a truly great marriage, apart from this one issue. DH definitely does not want another child, where as I do. I would find this easier to accept if his reasons were based on my health (I suffered seriously from hyperemesis with both pregnancies, and was very close to kidney failure with DS2) However, he gives different, but valid, reasons such as the cost, space etc. Of course I realise that he has every right to feel as he does, and I wouldn't want to 'force' a baby on him. I just don't know how to let it go. I feel so desperately sad that I will never have another child, and I can't talk about it to anyone (my friends and family think I'm insane to contemplate being pregnant again) I don't want to feel resentful towards him, because he hasn't done anything wrong, but I find myself getting so angry. I suppose what I'm asking is, are there any other mums out there in the same boat? How did you get your feelings under control and accept the situation? I do know how lucky I am to have two healthy, gorgeous DC's, so why can't I feel content?

OP posts:
DrunkenDaisy · 20/05/2009 13:58

Why don't you just focus on your health? tell yourself you owe it to your 2 kids to not put yourself at risk.

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 20/05/2009 14:05

It's really hard to accept, but as you have said, you have two beautiful and healthy Dc's. You also have a wonderful Dh and that is worth preserving.

I too get upset that I probably wont get the chance to have another baby but I don't have anyone to argue about it with.

I don't know how you come to terms with it, but as Daisy says, you can and should concentrate on staying fit and healthy for the children that you do have.

Original poster
PremenstrualChickens · 20/05/2009 14:12

Thank you for your replies. Of course I know that you're right. Sometimes I'm embarassed by my own reaction, like a whiney toddler going 'But I waaaaaant it!!!!'. The urge is just so strong at the moment, and I don't know what to do with these feelings. DH and I do talk about it, but it's a ridiculous circular argument, so pointless. I feel over dramatic just admitting this, but it feels a little like grieving? I even have names picked out for this phantom child. It's ridiculous.

OP posts:
DrunkenDaisy · 20/05/2009 14:14

I too won't be having another child. I've only got the 1 Ds, but i've learnt to just get on with it and appreciate what I've got.

In any case, if you can't afford a third Ds, it won't be much fun. Financial stress can fuck up a marriage.

DrunkenDaisy · 20/05/2009 14:16

Could you get a kitten or something?

Seriously. I love my cat very much and she's a great source of affection for me.

Original poster
PremenstrualChickens · 20/05/2009 14:19

You know, Daisy, we briefly had a kitten. Within 24 hours DH couldn't breathe. We then tried a puppy. DS1 had an asthmatic reaction. I now have chickens!!! I know I'm bloody lucky really, and should just get over myself. Glad to have found somewhere to spew all this out tbh.

OP posts:
mrsgboring · 20/05/2009 14:19

PMC it is a form of grieving. I've got two DSes too, though my DS2 is only a tiny baby so everyone thinks I'm insane to be trying to get my head round the exact thing you are.

I don't have any answers. It is sad. Do you feel like this all the time? What triggers it off? And if there are any times when you don't have this sadness hanging over you, what are they and can you make more of them somehow?

lolaandned · 20/05/2009 14:25

its not ridiclous!! i would have loved more children i have 17 and 16 year old sons..... and 5 cats need i say more

Original poster
PremenstrualChickens · 20/05/2009 14:27

It seems to be purely biological. I know I'm ovulating when I find myself daydreaming about number three! Sometimes it goes away, and I feel content and agree with DH's reasoning. Then someone will announce they're pregnant, or will hand me a baby, and I just feel horrendous. My cousin is due in two months, and I hate myself for feeling so jealous. DH thinks part of it is because my pregnancies were so shit, that I'm actually craving a good experience IYSWIM. I suppose there may be some truth in that. The instinct is just so strong, that logic doesn't come into it. Perhaps I should allow myself to feel sad for a while? Maybe then I could get past it?

OP posts:
ThePellyandMe · 20/05/2009 14:30

I guess you just have to focus on what you've got and give it time, it will get easier.

We had to stop after DS2 due to my health and although it's been hard and I still have moments of broodiness overall it's got a lot easier.

BirdyArms · 20/05/2009 14:43

I would like a 3rd but my dh definitely doesn't want one. I try not to let myself daydream about having a third. I've recently started getting rid of my baby stuff and I think that has been helpful - it was hard to do but I think it's made not having another seem more of a reality. In the past I have been kidding myself that dh will change his mind and getting upset when I realise he's not going to.

SOLOisMeredithGrey · 20/05/2009 15:10

I think craving a healthy pg probably has a lot to do with it. I've had two surprise babies but have never had a loving, happy and supportive partner to share the pg with. They've been unwilling and unhappy and ultimately not here.
I'd LOVE to have a wonderful 'loved' pregnancy, with a partner that pats my bump and talks to it and I think that's partially why my craving for another baby exists.

Allowing yourself to grieve is probably a good way forward too.

mears · 20/05/2009 15:15

I am sorry - I wouldn't be able to accept it easily.
My DH wanted to stop at 3 but I badgered him and we had 4. My personlity is stronger than his. He was too weak willed - no baby no sex was the ultimatum.

Seriously though, I would not be able to have someone else impose their view on me without resenting them forever. Don't know how you get round that one.

Grammaticus · 20/05/2009 15:20

But didn't you do exactly that to your DH mears?

ElenorRigby · 20/05/2009 15:22

lol exactly my thoughts grammaticus!

mears · 20/05/2009 15:22

Nope, because he agreed with me in the end (ultimatum was a joke BTW) and does not regret having our beautiful DD. He obviously could be swayed on discussion.

BirdyArms · 20/05/2009 15:38

I always thought that I would be able to talk dh into number 3 but have started to accept that I can't. I leave contraception up to him and keep my fingers crossed for an accident!

mears · 20/05/2009 15:46

I must also admit that we discussed having children before we got married. I am one of 5 and always said I wanted at least 4 children. He wasn't against it then so I knew he would agree. If he was adamant he only wanted 2 before we got married, I think it would have meant we were incompatible.

DarrellRivers · 20/05/2009 15:48

DH always only wanted 2 and for a few years he held onto that.We have 2 lovely DCs aged 6 and 4
I have always wanted 3
For me, however , he has agreed to a period of trying (have stretched it out to nearly a year), and that period is nearly up.
I never thought I would change his mind and am pleased he did as I think I would have resented his decision over the years otherwise. That to me, was the greatest thing he has done in our relationship so far.
I have had 2 early miscarriages in this time and that was heartbreaking, but as the time runs out I am grieving for the baby I don't think we will have, but I am able to think that at least we tried and that it was fate dealing her hand.

You have different issues, in that your health issues does weight your partner's argument.
Things i have found helpful to think about,

  1. Love the life you have rather than the life you want
  2. You can't always get what you want (Rolling Stones song) and vvvv true, can't=practically never
  3. Trying to concentrate on the things which will be easier with 2, holidays, etc (still would rather have 3 and a slightly harder life though)
  4. Grieve for that missing baby, cry, talk about it to your friends
DarrellRivers · 20/05/2009 15:49

I always knew that if a third came along, DH would always love it and would always think how glad he was that we had had the third.

mears · 20/05/2009 15:50

Why is there a time limit on the period for trying?

DarrellRivers · 20/05/2009 15:53

I've become crazy TTC lady, and I'm nearly 37 and I have to move on, and so has he.
We can't go on like this for years, in limbo
Have thought about it lots, and I know he couldn't go on for much longer and I can't do it without him totally on board.

DarrellRivers · 20/05/2009 15:53

I've been thinking about a 3rd now for close to 4 years, and I'm exhausted in some ways

Dophus · 20/05/2009 15:56

It's interesting that on this thread most are accepting of PMCs DH position (except Mears).

I agree with Mears here - probably because I am also in the same boat as PMC and desperate for a third.

My DH makes all the same noise re cost, space, getting our lives back (mine are 2 & 4) so life is starting to get back on track.

However I was always want/regret not having a third child. DH would never regret having a third.

My desire had only been increased by falling pregnant with a Mirena coil in situ and a subsequent emergency op for ectopic. The odds were approx 1:10000. It almost feels as if it were destined (not that I believe in that rationally!)

lolaandned · 20/05/2009 16:01

i think i feel quite resentful sometimes because first pregnancy was blighted ovum but of course to me was a "real baby" then had first son then second son was born just 4 weeks after the time my husband told me he didnt love me and if fact did not think he ever had!!!my 2nd son has autism we have split up a couple of times for very short perios over the years we have been married 23 years then agreed to stay together for the sake of the children i am now 45 and my time has passed so i feel great regret at times

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