Accepting that there will be no more children

[PremenstrualChickens]

Hi. I'm new here, but have been lurking for a few weeks. I have a wonderful DH and two great DS's, aged 8 and nearly 6 (birthday next month!) We have a truly great marriage, apart from this one issue. DH definitely does not want another child, where as I do. I would find this easier to accept if his reasons were based on my health (I suffered seriously from hyperemesis with both pregnancies, and was very close to kidney failure with DS2) However, he gives different, but valid, reasons such as the cost, space etc. Of course I realise that he has every right to feel as he does, and I wouldn't want to 'force' a baby on him. I just don't know how to let it go. I feel so desperately sad that I will never have another child, and I can't talk about it to anyone (my friends and family think I'm insane to contemplate being pregnant again) I don't want to feel resentful towards him, because he hasn't done anything wrong, but I find myself getting so angry. I suppose what I'm asking is, are there any other mums out there in the same boat? How did you get your feelings under control and accept the situation? I do know how lucky I am to have two healthy, gorgeous DC's, so why can't I feel content?

[mears]

sorry

[liahgen]

my thread

Have a read of this. This was me at the beginning of the year.

we are now ttc #6

Good luck

[mears]

I didn't need to break down in tears to convince DH. We talked fully about it and I managed to persuade him when it actually came down to it. I am so glad I did.

[mears]

PMC-Is your DH planning to have a vasectomy?

[BottySpottom]

It took a while for DH to get broody for three, so I know how you feel. Luckily he was as keen as me in the end.

If he's allergic to kittens and won't have another baby, I'd change your DH tbh

[PutDown]

We had 3 DCS and I craved 4,DH didn't.
I was on the pill,which he knew I was bad at remembering to take,but he didn't offer to do anything about it himself.
I got pregnant at 38 after a couple of missed pils.
I had a terrible pregnancy,with miscarriage scare at 14 weeks and emergency caesarian which ended with me in intensive care.
However,a few years on DD is a delight and I know DH does not regret her arrival at all.She has completed our family,and I suppose my longing for a baby outweighed his reluctance.
Have to say,there won't be a no5 though!

[mears]

adadwithnoname - I am sure that is true too.

PMC - I am sorry that you cannot reach agreement on another child. I hope you find a way to accept it without resenting your DH in later years.

I am so glad I didn't have to do it.

[PremenstrualChickens]

mears - Yes, I have explained all this to DH. He feels just as strongly that he doesn't want any more.

adadwithnoname - I'm sure that's true.

[adadwithnoname]

It's not unknown for men to wish they could have had more children too you know.

[mears]

PMC - have you been totally honest about your feelings with your DH? Does he know how you really feel?

[Soph73]

Oh PMC I feel for you I really do. Me and DH have 2 wonderful boys, one of which has Mosaic Downs Syndrome and goes to lots of appointments during the week.

Since he was born though 13 months ago I have hankered after a third. However, as much as it hurts, I do realise that we truly are not in any financial state to have a third and we just wouldn't be able to cope if we did. The really unfortunate thing is that DH would quite happily have another if we were in a financial position to do so.

I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that we won't have any more children, but it isn't easy. It took me all my strength to give away DS2's baby clothes. Also I'm 36 and DH is 41 and if we were to have any more it would have to be soon and I like the big age gap between DS1 and 2 and don't know whether I'd cope with a small age gap between child 2 and 3.

Like someone on here said, allow yourself to grieve and concentrate on all the positive things to having 2 children. Also, you never know, but your DH might come round!

[Dophus]

What contraception are you using? i.e. how active is the decision?

[DarrellRivers]

Cry lots as well at key points in the conversation

[DarrellRivers]

Buy lots of things
I bought a new car, (and still wanted the baby)
And everyone I know is pregnant, and with their third, my BF fell accidentally pregnant with her third

[Dophus]

So don't! Sorry I know that's not helpful.

[DarrellRivers]

PMC, how old are you?
And he may change his mind, lots of DHs have on MN, so here's hoping
Try the 'letting fate have a say' card
Start with a short period of time to try ie 3-6m, and then in his head if he agrees to that he may find it easier to come to terms with idea of the child overall
I have found that it is not just deciding to have the 3rd child that is the problems, but try to carry that 3rd child to term that is the problem, but that is an easier hand to deal with, than a DH not considering trying.

[PremenstrualChickens]

The treatment for hyperemesis might have moved on, but sadly not all the doctors attitudes have. I was close to kidney failure before my consultant reluctantly handed over the odanestron last time (apparently it's very expensive) TBH, though, the hyperemesis doesn't phase me. I know what I'm letting myself in for, I've done my research and I know that if treated aggressively and early enough, there is no need for me to get that ill. Ultimately though, he doesn't want another child. It's stalemate. So there is no choice but to try and accept it. I just don't know how to

[Dophus]

To your final point PMC - I have not/ and will not (or at least can't see myself) accepting the card I have been dealt.

To DRs earlier point - I feel we have to try and least I have to let fate have a hand. I am now 36 and a tube down.

[mears]

Treatments for hyperemesis have moved on in 6 years. Is there anything else underlying health wise?

My DH had concerns because I had developed antibodies and our third son needed a blood transfusion because of anaemia. So for health reasons he was concerned about having a fourth, as well as financial.

As a midwife I knew the care I would need to have to have our fourth and knew the baby would be fine, which she was.

Need to go, MIL and FIL have arrived!

[Dophus]

Would your husband forgive you? I know mine would (eventually). One fo the posive aspects of the ectopic was that my Mirena was removed - prior to that 'accidents' were supposedly impossible (ha ha).

Knowing my desire for pg I have been surprised that DH is trusting of natural methods. At present I wouldn't deliberately miscount - but I have sneaking suspician that one day I will.

If we thoguht to hard about the pros and cons I suspect the birth rate would be far lower. Who can ever afford a child!

[DarrellRivers]

Because it is a decision between the two of you
I changed DH's mind, so I wasn't passive

I think it is unfair because the DPs fallback position is that getting pregnant is the active part, whereas Mears is looking at it, is that the contraception part is the active part
I suppose for TTC at 35+ you do need an active partner to do the deed at opportune points in the month
I didn't want to go that way, and I thought seriously for a while about getting preggers 'accidentally', but that was a hellish thought process. I think it would have affected my psyche for a long time if I had gone down that route

[PremenstrualChickens]

I have said the very same thing re 'I will always regret not having a third, but you wouldn't regret them being here' etc Dolphus, but he cannot be moved on this. I suspect that my illness does play some part in why he won't back down, and there's no argument against that, is there? It's the trump card, if you like. I couldn't go through another pregnancy if he wasn't fully supportive, I just couldn't risk my marriage. But how I long for some spell that will make him change his mind....(joke!) Bah, ultimately I just have to accept the hand I've been dealt. I just don't want to right now.