Our 6th visit to the Stately Home.....

[oneplusone]

Hi all, took the liberty of starting a new thread. Keep on posting!

Feel a tad better for posting and knowing Im not alone with these thoughts. Thank you all for sharing.

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BA- Your post gives me hope. because in the last few days I have been thinking how I really have to chnage things here. I cant keep taking this shit out on the people I love. I really cant. It isn't fair on them. I feel at a loss somethimes though because it 'is' so deeply ingrained in me I feel how I get the whole bological response thing because even though Im not aware what is happening to me (in a biological sense). I can literally feel my whole body respond to stress and I seem powerless (or so it feels) to stop it.
I thought about therapy again but I've never got it quite right finding a therapist.
Running and excercise have helped immensely but I would have to make like forest gump to run off the lifetimes baggage worth of stress that I carry with me.

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BeginningAnew - your posts have struck such a chord with me. I struggle with similar issues regarding my DS. He can really trigger me in a way that my DD never has. My DS looks like me and maybe this is why.

I sometimes 'lose it' with DS too. It is getting less frequent and I don't get as much of the vicious self hatred afterwards but I still do it. When he was a baby it was worse as I had PND too. I am too ashamed to admit how I used to lose it with him as a baby. I never really hurt him but I came close

I have no doubt that I am triggered by my childhood and like you I feel so angry and resentful that my parents have affected my ability to enjoy being a mother. Like you I apologise to DS and tell him I love him (which I do). I too worry he will be damaged because I was in such a bad place when he was born. He is more affectionate to me now but he always seemed to prefer Daddy and this worries me also. People tell me he is a great little boy and I am doing a great job but I doubt myself a lot

It is not black and white though is it? Whilst I have bad mummy moments, I have good ones too. I read to DS, comfort him when he is ill or upset (although even this triggers me sometimes and I have to hide irritation. I was never cared about when I was ill), tickle him and treat him. Also my SIL who had a normal, loving childhood and has a great relationship with my MIL has confided that she sometimes feels violent towards her DS. She has thrown him onto sofas and dug her nails into him. So does every mother feel like this sometimes, even those that don't have childhood issues?

Your words about changing neural pathways sounds hopeful. I am really trying to change patterns of thinking ingrained from childhood.

The crux of it is that before I had children, motherhood was supposed to be this amazing experience which was the highlight of my life. I was going to be perfect at it, to make up for my shitty childhood and to prove to my parents that I could be amazing at something. Of course the reality was a shock. Motherhood is so hard and it is impossible to be a perfect mother. I cane down from the mountain with a big,hard thud and all my childhood emotions and sadness suddenly erupted. I was trying to deal with this and another completely dependent human being. I wish I had dealt with all this before I had children, but then I don't think these issues would have been triggered until I had children. So my poor DS bore the brunt of it.

I feel all I can do is forgive myself and try to be the best mother that I can be going forward. I cling to the hope that because I have insight and I know when I have been wrong, then this will make me a better mother.

Oh and living with NPD parents is hell. My grandmother is a sick woman, I have no doubt about that. I can't prove it but I suspect she manipulated my poor birth mother, who was mentally ill and highly vulnerable having just had a baby at such a young age

This can be the lengths they go to, so I have no time for people who try to tell me it is not that bad or to forgive and forget

BeginningAfresh - your last words about your daughter running around naked made me smile. I sense from your posts that you are stronger. Re throwing the doll in the bath, I once threw an armband on the floor next to my DS in rage because he was having a tantrum in a swimming pool changing cubicle

Thank God for this thread indeed. Thank you all so much for sharing this stuff, speaking the unspeakable indeed. I could echo just about everything in the last few posts. Such a relief - I mean I wouldn't wish this stuff on anyone else but I'm so glad I'm not the only one going through it.

Rose - "The crux of it is that before I had children, motherhood was supposed to be this amazing experience which was the highlight of my life. I was going to be perfect at it, to make up for my shitty childhood and to prove to my parents that I could be amazing at something. Of course the reality was a shock. Motherhood is so hard and it is impossible to be a perfect mother. I cane down from the mountain with a big,hard thud and all my childhood emotions and sadness suddenly erupted. I was trying to deal with this and another completely dependent human being." Are you me????!! If it's any consolation, I did do years and years of therapy before having DS, and I thought I'd dealt with most of my stuff - and it still erupted and turned my life upside down when he was born, so you're right, the deepest side of these issues isn't triggered until you have children.

So we HAVE to forgive ourselves for our inadequacies - at least we are acknowledging what is happening, and we are trying to change things - but I know I still feel permanently guilty when I dump stuff on DS. Just the other night, before my awful day yetsterday, I'd had a run of good days and no rage and was feeling so good, said to DH that eve "it was so great being with DS at bedtime and not feeling guilty about anything I'd said or done in the day". And then bang! Day from hell!

I do think that things often get worse because they're getting better and the real me is getting stronger, it's like a reaction to moving on - the fear rises up and tries to perpetuate the status quo, somehow.

So muvh more to say but have to get some rest, thanks again to you all for your honesty - I still find it really hard to admit to the horrible way I speak to DS and shout at him when I'm not coping, and the amount of things I throw round the room... and then there are the times when I am just weeping in despair, and he comes up and puts his little arms around me, and he's only 2. My god. But I too apologies to him and try to explain that it's not his fault and it's not him and that I am working very hard to trty and change things and make the nasty shouting stop. And that I will never give up. And - and I suspect this is true for all of us - I do love him so very deeply. Words just can't describe it. And I do hope that deep down he knows that and feels it; yes the fear must be awful and it kills me that he's growing up not knwoing if he's going to get nice mummy or nutty scary muumy at any given moment, but I think children can sense intention, and my intention is to protect him and make him safe and happy and I hope that comes through even given the crappy stuff. And he does get a lot more nice mummy than the other one usually.

This morning we were playing out in the snow in the park the three of us, me DH and DS, and it was wonderful. Very, very special. Love the image of your DD, BA!

Hi all, thank god for this thread. Haven't had much time these last few days but have just read through recent posts.

Like many of you I have been having a really hard time recently. I went into 'psycho mum meltdown' at the weekend, luckily not at the DC's but at DH. I just went berserk, I can't even remember what I said now, it's just a blur. I think it was due to a combination of the start of the holidays which always seems to result in me going 'psycho' at some point and the fact that over the last month due to various illnesses between the 4 of us, we have been home almost every weekend, having cancelled a couple of parties etc because we were too unwell to go. I think i was going stir crazy being at home all that time and then with the prospect of more time stuck at home during the hols and being unable to go out much cos of the weather (unfortunately for us we haven't got a lot of snow, just lots of dangerous ice).

Anyway, it makes me feel better to read that I too am not alone. I have managed to keep it together just about but have certainly felt like going berserk at DD who seems to trigger me a lot as opposed to DS. I was having evil thoughts in my head about her and feeling as if I simply hated her. I tried not to let it show, but am sure some of my true feelings showed through.

I am sure subconsciously i am consumed with thoughts of everyone else but me, including my sisters, spending time with their parents at this time of year. And as usual, just like every other holiday, me and the DC's are home alone, with nowhere to go. It really really gets to me, usually though it makes me feel depressed but this time it has made me angry. Angry towards my parents, for still affecting my life in this way so much. I keep thinking that they have ruined my life, but that implies i still have a life of sorts, but i don't, it's more accurate to say that they have stolen my life from me and i have been left with nothing and am having to rebuild it now literally from scratch and write off the past 40 or so years as a complete loss. I prefer feeling angry as opposed to depressed, it's energising and can be channelled constructively, as long as i am conscious of it and aware that it should be directed solely at my parents and not DH/DC's.

Bop, just wanted to say i am so sorry you were feeling so low a few days ago, you are not alone, i have days just like that, the knowledge your parents didn't want you and hated you and preferred your siblings to you just pushes you down so far you think you can never get up again. And thank you for the information about the brain, i had read articles along those lines too and it has given me hope as well. But it is a long hard road i am sure and perhaps some things are so ingrained they may never be re-written.

Thanks to everyone for their recent posts, they have all helped me, feeling that i'm not alone is such a relief, i wish i had managed to log on earlier instead of suffering in silence and alone.

Will be thinking of you all over the next few days, i feel we are sort of like family to each other on this thread and i am so grateful for all of your support and advice this past year.

startafresh- It makes complete sense to me that you would be feeling angry especially if , as you say, your sisters are spending christmas with your parents as a family. You once said on here (cant remember the exact way you said it) that things were physically speaking now ie no contact- representative of how things always felt for you on the inside. Hold on to that thought if you can. It certainly helped me when I was going through the brunt of things. I kept saying to myself 'this is how it always felt' that this was just more honest.

I had a huge cry this afternoon, followed by a training session (workout) which I almost didnt go to because of the cry.
Shows me how far I have come because before I would equate 'blindly' crying with feeling crap and therfore not gone training which would have worked as a punishment to myself for feeling crap.
Instead i have accepted I actually probably really needed to cry. I find it so hard to get past the anger and reach the pain inside. So hard to connect with myself.
I feel pleased that I managed to do that. It feels right. How it should be. Acceptance of my utter desolation and sadness, now time to move on and make this a beautiful christmas for me and my new family.

If I dont come back on again until after christmas, I just want to say have a good christmas all of you. You all deserve it, and so much more.x

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Hello all. Once again so much of what has been said resonates.(the internal rage- those horrible voices)

As I said in my earlier post, I opened this strange Christmas present from my mother, in it's black wrapping paper- the photos of my dead nanas.

And then today a text from my mother wishing me a happy christmas.

And my mother and father are spending Christmas with my brother and they are all hating me and blaming me and thinking of anything they can that I Might Have Done that they can hold against me.

But AS I said to DH last night, and as others on here have said, it's horrible, the way my family is, and the way things are between me and my family, but at least this is more honest, this is how Things Really Are. INstead of the pretending. I am not sucking up the insults and putting up with things for the sake of the staus quo.

Mind the Gap. I have exposed the gap and it is wide, there is no hiding it now. I'm sure they will hate me anew for it, but I know my little family loves me.

Happy Christmas, lovely ladies. It was reading the early threads on here that helped me see that things might not be quite right for me, and all the warmth and support on here means so much.

xx

Hi all, hope you had a peaceful christmas day. We had a nice day, i felt a bit wobbly in the morning, but felt better as the day progressed and the kids had a fantastic time which is what it was all about. For the first time since we had the DC's, it was just us 4 at home and i think this is what caused my wobble. I had been telling myself I had chosen to spend the day at home with only DH and the DC's, but the truth was i had nobody to go to (to whom i wanted to go to anyway). So there is no escaping the reality that i have no family other than DH and the DC's, but at least I do have DH and the DC's and i know they all genuinely love me and want me around. And having a real family, however small, surely is far better than having a bigger family which includes the 'full cast' ie parents/siblings/inlaws but where you are simply playing a role and none of it is real. I think I am starting to truly believe this in my heart. I have until now, felt i was always worse off than others and missing out on things that everyone else had and feeling quite sad and even bitter and sorry for myself about this and at the same time i know i was not able to appreciate what I do have. Because i felt what i did have was not enough and was far less than what other people had.

But a new realisation has been dawning on me gradually i think. I have been looking at other people's situations from the outside and being completely fooled by the facade we all put on for the outside world, that everything is fine and we are happy. I have slowly been realising that what i have been seeing of other people is just their facade and perhaps because i have been more willing to open up myself i have found other people have been opening up to me and revealing their sadnesses, fears, worries, losses etc and it has made me realise that i am really no worse or better off than most other people. Everyone at some point experiences loss and pain and suffering in some way even if they don't realise it themselves because their facade is so perfect and never dropped that they themselves are fooled by it.

I'm sure none of this makes sense to anybody else, but i am talking to and about myself really. I put on a facade all my life and i feel now i was actually copying what i saw of other people. I was copying other people's 'acting normal and ok' facade that they put on for the outside world. What i didn't know then which i know now is that it was just a facade and that underneath often all was not ok all the time. So my facade was never dropped even at home because i thought that was how people were supposed to be, that we should all look as if we are ok all the time. I was never taught at home about having and showing one's real emotions and i am only learning about that now.

It is amazing how my relationships have improved since i have been able to be far more real instead of acting my assigned role. I feel more connected to friends i have known for years but to whom i have never felt particularly close simply by opening up and revealing my true self to them. It hasn't worked with every relationship, but i know now that is due to the other person's own limitations in understanding and ability to empathise than anything to do with me.

I have got back in touch with a friend who i fell out with a while ago. I totally blamed her for our break up but i realise now how unrealistic my expectations were of somebody who was a mere friend. I was expecting her to fill the mother gap which was of course wholly unrealistic and unreasonable on my part. We are back in touch now, but i am far more aware now of the limitations of our friendship and what i can reasonably expect from this particular friend.

The same applies to DH. I realise have been feeling resentful of the fact that he looks to me fulfill some of his needs. I was resentful of the fact that whilst it seemed like I was actually able to fulfill his needs, because his needs were those that could be fulfilled by a wife, he was unable to fulfill my needs. But my needs were not those that could be fulfilled by a husband but only by a parent. And i felt angry and resentful of DH that whilst i was fulfilling his needs he was not fulfilling mine. I have now realised that it would be impossible for him to fulfill my needs as it would only be reasonable to expect to feel that sort of closeness and care and affection and understanding of who i was and unselfish interest in who i was from a parent, not from a husband. It is liberating to realise this and to not feel this destructive antagonism and resentment towards DH all the time.

wtsa- Really liked your post. It made a lot of sense to me. I know exactly what you mean. I too have found (or perhaps begun to notice) recently that so many people that I am friends with also have their own pain/loss they are battling with. Just as you say. behind their facade.
I 'used' to think that if I discovered this element within a friend, I must be attracting the wrong sort of friends because I'd be searching for that elusive element of normal, which of course doesnt exist. I now reaise that was me thinking in black and white again. I dont tend to think like that now. As I have become more 'accepting' of myself, I have become more accepting of others. It is also something to do with accepting my own situation instead of wishing with all my heart I could change things or make things different. This allows me to now accept others for who they are instead of who I want them to be. Just as I have been wanting with all my heart that I could be somebody different to who I really am. Somehow If I could be different then magically my circumstances regarding my old family would be differnt too.
You also really hit a nerve with regard to what you said about your DH. I think perhaps this is also true for me. I just feel so resentful at having to meet 'his' needs when mine are not being met. Wifely duties, as you say, feel very close to motherly duties at times. Like when dh asks me where things are or when he is not well and needs me to look after him. I find it hard to tolerate and I get very angry at him. Yes if I am honest with myself I want 'him' to mother me.
I am ashamed to say that I think I was attracted to him because he does have a very soft nature and because of 'his' upbringing was used to nurturing others and meeting their needs. I wanted this from him and 'part' of me (although this has abated a lot recently) still does. This part of me comes to the fore when trying to meet 'his' needs. It triggers the part of me that got angry and resentful everytime my own mother tried to force me into the position of nurturer in order for her to meet either her needs or the needs of my siblings who were younger than me.
I think from your post I have found a huge source of my anger toward DH. Thanks wtsa for posting.

smithfield hi and I so very glad i have been able to help you. And I can completely relate to all that you have said and i feel you have described things more clearly wrt your DH than i managed to in my post.

The bit about when your DH is ill and feeling angry at having to look after him - me too. And yet when I am ill he seems able and willing to look after me. Like you have said i think i married DH because i could sense a caring, nurturing side to him and that was what i had been craving all my life, having been so completely deprived of it whilst growing up. My resentment towards DH at having to fulfil his needs whilst he seemed unwilling or uninterested in fulfilling mine was very destructive. Like I said, i now realise he is simply unable as opposed to unwilling to fulfill my needs.

Wrt friends, i realise now I simply never opened up to them and revealed my true feelings. I ALWAYS maintained my 'everything is ok in my life' facade and I'm sure many of my friends felt they couldn't get close to me; perhaps i even made people seem inadequate or inferior as next to me they might have felt their lives were full of problems and issues. But of course the reality was that i myself had huge issues and problems, but my facade was so firmly locked into place, i didn't know how to remove it even if i had wanted to. Realising this makes me realise another loss i have sustained as i now have very few friends and feel quite lonely as a result. I'm sure if i had been able to be more open and reveal my true self during all the years i was at college, uni, at work, i would have made some good friends who i would hopefully still be friends with today.

Recently i have been feeling, or thinking in my head at least, perhaps the feelings have not reached the surface yet, how angry I am at my parents for making no attempt whatsoever to contact me over the past 3 years and let me know they are concerned and worried about how i am coping with looking after the DC's alone and also how my health is bearing in mind they were aware that my eczema had flared up terribly after i had DD at a time when i was still in close contact with them.

I know it is completely unrealistic of me and ridiculous really to expect parents such as mine who have caused me such damage in the first place to have even the tiniest bit of concern for me in our current situation as opposed to themselves. I know i wrote to them a few times making it clear i didn't want them to contact me so i am sure they are thinking that all they are doing is respecting my wishes and surely they should not be criticised for that. But i cannot help thinking that if i found myself in a similar situation with my DD at some point in the future, i know i would be worried sick about her and i would simply have to at least write her a very short note telling her i was worried about her and was thinking about her. Instead i have had a letter from each of my parents in which they were both only concerned about themselves and what they were going through since i had cut ties with them, how they were suffering and how the whole situation was making them feel. There was not one single sentence in either of their letters indicating they were worried and concerned about me.

It really is no different to my life growing up with them so i know i should not be surprised at them. But given that all my life they had always told me that they, as my parents, would always be there for me and that when nobody else was willing to help me and be there for me, they would be there. They would say this to me constantly, whilst at the same time doing precisely the opposite. My mother was never ever there for me when i needed her and not only was my dad not there for me, he actively went out of his way to damage, hurt and harm me and took his feelings out on me when i had nothing wrong at all.

I'm sure it is the child in me who instinctively knows that her parents are supposed to look after her and care for her and protect her and it is this instinctive programming in me which is making me always ask "where are they, where are my parents now when i need them, when i am struggling, lonely, scared, they always told me they would be there for me so where are they?" and i can't seem to stop asking myself this question in my mind and feeling angry at them at the same time. I know now they only said those things to make themselves feel good and look good to me, to make themselves appear as good kind caring parents, but it was just all talk; they talked the talk but in no way have they ever walked the walk. Which is bad enough in any situation but to let your own child down in such a fundamental and devastating way is despicable in the extreme and then on top of that to claim to have no idea about what they have done is just......well there are no words to describe how that makes me feel.

I feel so strongly that i want to write to them again and tell them just how spectacularly they have failed as my parents. I feel they need to be brought down to earth, down from their pedestals where they have placed themselves. I think it is wrong that they seem to be carrying on their lives as usual, whilst i am here, suffering and struggling with the aftermath of their neglect and abuse. It is wrong that they paint themselves to my sisters as innocent and undeserving of being cut off by me; I think that is what gets to me the most, how they continue to paint themselves in an innocent victim light to my sisters when they both know full well the horrors i suffered due to them. I want them to know that the eczema with which i have suffered on and off for so much of my life was caused directly and solely by them. I want to lay at their door all the pain and suffering and anguish and grief i have been through which should rightfully be their responsibility. I know they will never actually accept responsibility for causing all this damage to me, but it will make me feel better for telling them the truth about who they are and how they have stolen years of my life from me. I want to tell my mother she is a coward for not standing up for me against my dad instead of, as she thinks, not standing up for herself against him. I know she will never in a million years understand what she did wrong but i feel i have to tell them story for my benefit not really to achieve any change in my parents who are never going to change. And i want to tell them that i am going to take the offer of money they have made as compensation for what they have stolen from me and the pain, loss and suffering i have been through because of them. It makes me so angry that they have got on their high horse and painted themselves as generous and even forgiving of me by making such an offer to me despite my cruel and nasty and ungrateful actions in cutting them off. I want my sisters and my parents to know that my parents owe me and far from being generous and kind, they are merely in a totally inadequate and token way, compensating me with money for the losses they have caused me which no amount of money can actually re-instate.

But of course the likes of my sisters who have been brought up to believe that money is the meaning of life will be completely fooled by my parents' gesture and they will see it as an unselfish and generous act on their part in the face of my selfish and ungrateful actions. It makes me so angry that my sisters cannot see my parents for who they really are. I no longer feel hurt by my sisters lack of understanding for me, just angry at how my parents continue to be able to manipulate them with empty gestures.

I have decided i am going to write to my parents and tell them i will accept their offer made some time ago via my sister as a token gesture of compensation. No amount of money can give me back what they took from me, but i am sure they will never realise that.

I too tried to put on a facade of the perfect life for two reasons. Firstly, I internalised the theory from my adoptive parents that being perfect was the only way to win their love. That I had to be better than everybody or I was worse than everybody. Secondly I couldn't handle perceived imperfections in my life. Everything had to be just 'tickety boo' but it was a facade that covered the layers of denial about how shit my childhood and family had been.

It did stop people warming to me I think. I always had friends but not really close ones. I was always bubbly, happy and the 'crazy' one. It was all attention seeking as I was hiding a deep hurt. That I felt inherently worthless unless I did something amazing with my life.

I went out for dinner with some friends last week and after a couple of drinks I opened up about my family. The response took me by surprise. They were very sympathetic and could not believe how awful my parents have been. They couldn't believe I even still bother with them. They also opened up about their family issues. Consequently I feel I have been 'allowed' into their group if you like and have become closer to them. I always felt other people were cliquey and that I was the outsider in any group of friends. I think it is because I never showed my vulnerable side and put on this front.

WTSA - I think you should write that letter even if you don't send it. It might be therapeutic to write it down

Had a bad day today. I don't know what triggered me although I got my first period since having DD and I get bad PMT and painful periods. I haven't got any decent clothes as I still haven't lost my baby weight but that old 'demon' in my head was telling me I am worthless because I don't have a perfect figure and that I am not worth looking after. I haven't felt like this in a while so I need to take some time to pamper myself and squash my adoptive father's voice which used to make me feel worthless

rose, i hope you're feeling a bit better today and i hope you have found some time to pamper yourself.

I have also been pleasantly surprised by the reaction from friends when i have opened up about my family situation. I thought they would be shocked and horrified because i have cut ties with my parents but instead most of them took the news in their stride. One friend seems to have a lot of difficulty understanding my decision, but then she has always been somebody who i have never confided in about personal stuff anyway, i guess i have always had a gut feeling about her that she would never have the capacity to understand something like this.

Thank you for your advice about writing that letter to my parents, i know you're right, it's just getting down to doing it, once i start i am sure i won't be able to stop and i'm sure a lot of emotions will be brought to the surface i think that's what's putting me off starting at all.

It could take a while to get it all down and if you wish to send it (and you will know in yourself if this will help you and you are strong enough) then you should do that

Of course you will not get the response you would ideally like from your parents. However I truly believe that underneath their many, many layers of denial and lies they do know that they are awful, awful people. I am sure that the only way such people operate is by projecting a fake, perfect image of themselves (hence the narcissism). They inherently feel worthless too. This does not excuse what they have done of course. If it wasn't so personally hurtful, because I have been on the receiving end of narcissistic parents, I would actually find the psychology behind it quite fascinating.

I feel better today thanks. I went shopping and for the first time in a long time, I pushed away the 'you are fat and worthless' voice and actually treated myself to some nice clothes. Styles that suit my figure but make me look a bit younger and funkier (don't know if this is a word!) as well. What a difference! It just takes a little pampering sometimes doesn't it? We have never been given permission to love and value ourselves from our family so we have to work at that.

I was thinking today that I have had no contact with my adoptive father in six months and I haven't missed him one jot. My Irritable bowel has settled and my eczema ( I don't get it as bad as you, just on my hands, but it flares up with stress) has settled down. I really think I am finding myself, who I really am. I am free from being the cardboard cut out my parents saw and expected me to be

Would like to add that I am reading that Rosika Parker book about maternal ambivalence. What a revelation! I wish I had read it before I had my son as I could not understand the anger I felt towards him at times. He looks so like me and is quite deep and introspective like me that I think he triggers me in a way that my DD will never do (although she is only six monthe so time will tell). I think this makes me worry about him and his childhood but I have to remember that he is having a completely different experience to the one I did....I hope.

rose, i read that Roszika Parker book and i also wish i had read in a lot sooner. I feel it's all still very taboo and even her book does not seem to get the publicity it deserves.

Am glad you had a better day and treated yourself to some nice clothes. You are so very right about it being very hard for us to treat ourselves well, it always seems wrong somehow and that we don't deserve it.

I know what you mean about finding the whole NPD thing fascinating too as well as being interested from purely a personal pov as well.

Yes, i think you're right, i know my parents know somewhere deep down that what they did was wrong and hurtful, they just do not want to think about it and it is far easier to pretend it all never happened as it was such a long time ago.

I have written a short note to them saying that i think they owe me something after all the pain and damage they have caused me and that i will accept their offer made a while ago as compensation even though no amount of money can ever actually make up for or give me back what i have lost. I haven't sent it yet, will review it in a week or so and then perhaps send it. I am very conscious that by writing to them and saying i want something from them i will then put myself in a vulnerable position as the ball will then be in their court and i will be the one sitting at home waiting for a response from them which may not even come. So i am very wary of making any sort of contact with them. But i am also resentful of the fact that my sister has recieved money from my parents and it has helped her a lot towards buying their house and similarly the money my parents have offered would make a big difference to our life and ease the financial burden we currently have. Whereas before i was totally against accepting any money from them i do now see it as compensation and as something i am owed and deserve from them and something that will in a practical way make our lives a bit better and easier. The emotional pain will never be eased by money but if a bit of our financial worries are eased then that is better than nothing.

Two years ago I posted on this thread (under the name kaz33) after having an abortion which took to the surface all my toxic parents stuff. I was filled with self loathing and years of resentment and hate for my parents.

Now, two years later everything is better. My parents are the same people but what has changed is ME. As I have calmed down they have become better around me and our relationship is better.

Two years ago I did this:
www.hoffmaninstitute.co.uk/index.html?gclid=CKnhx7nH-Z4CFQWTzAod92euMw

It works, you remove the pain and then you heal yourself. My husband did the course as well and forgave his mum who walked out when he was 10. This is powerful stuff.
It is hard, it does take commitment but god it allows you to move on and get on with your life.

Not paid, just when I saw the stately home thread I remembered.

kaz, hi i remember you and i remember you did the Hoffman Process. Am glad things are better for you.

Like you, things are better for me too, not because my family have changed, but because I have. It is an ongoing process though, i have longish periods of feeling pretty good and then something gets triggered and i am down again for a while. But these days the good days far outnumber the down days, not that long ago it was the other way around.

It must be good in many ways (but perhaps also hard in others) that your husband is going through the same process. I find this aspect hard as my husband has no real understanding about what I'm going through (and of course what i went through as a child) and it does seem to mean we are less close and connected sometimes.

hi all
i marked my place on the last thread but haven't had time to be on since then
i have skimread some posts
roseability, i really relate to you in particular. same issues = perfectionism, yearning for a best friend, seeking make desire & father telling you you were overweight

Hoffman process -
would love to do this
but isn't it v. v. expensive?
i've bought the book though recently and will work through
really not sure about forgiving my parents though, really, really not keen on that

Hello, hope everyone is ok and enjoyed their Christmas as I know Christmas can make you go a bit loopy.

I have gone less loopy than ever before, this Christmas

I've been breaking away from past negative stuff dragging me back and sucking me down and letting my new life pull me away from it.

There have been a few difficult thoughts which I might have time to write about in the next few days, but I don't feel consumed by them like I used to.

I just wanted to say though, that someone on here recommended a book a while back - Buddhism for Mothers - which I'm reading and it makes more sense than anything I've read for ages! Thank you to whoever it was who recommended it!

I'm reading about not being attached to the past and future or preoccupied by things we want to get or achieve before we feel we can be happy, but being 'all there' in the moment and enjoying what you have got and what you are right now. More importantly, being all there when you are giving your children attention and seeing who they are and what they need from you fully instead of using 'stock responses' or automatic behaviours. I had been trying to do this but didn't realise it was Buddhism!

It makes a lot of sense to me because I felt I was not heard/noticed/important as a child, which lasted into adulthood. I then felt I was making my children feel the same way because I was preoccupied with my thoughts and difficult feelings and felt locked inside my head instead of living in the moment and giving them proper attention. The book talks about not avoiding the difficult feelings but dealing with them (I haven't got to 'how' yet) and not avoiding your children's difficult feelings by trying to get them to stop 'expressing' because it makes you feel uncomfortable (my parents did this all the time).

I'll probably drivel on about it more on here the more I read...

Osahm- Be interested to know which one you bought. There is one for mothers of young children isnt there? Is that the one you are reading?
Glad you have had a 'fairly' normal christmas.

I have had a bad christmas in some respects. Can I say that? I dont want to depress people but sometimes its better to just acknowledge feelings Im sure, rather than bottling them up.
So no need to respond. I am just getting thingd off my chest really.
Christmas just seems to put so much pressure on me. Pressure to be happy and in the moment and I guess (although Im working on it and would like to be) Im just not there yet.
A lot of what has been bad about this christmas has been circumstancial. There has been ill health for DH and now ds, so what with the bad weather and ill health we have been at home a lot. There has been a lot of sadness for me around feelings of abandonment. Again circumstancial, but MIL has been away and had no contact with us, and a huge rift has occurred in DH's family and (despite it being nothing to do with me or dh) it has triggered me a lot. I feel a lot of sadness at this situation and I think it is because of how certain people have reacted to each other, it has been reminiscent of my old family. I guess Id built this holiday up a great deal in my head because of taking time of work and wanting to maximise that time off.
I feel these bad feelings have all caught me unaware in some way. Last year I was expecting bad feelings but things were a lot easier in some ways than expected.
This year has been the opposite.
Also DH being sick triggered me as well because I felt as though I was having to mother him as well as the children.
Rose your post affected me a lot. The post about your ds and the book you are reading.
I find mothering ds so very hard at times. I have ordered the book and will see if it helps. I read an overview of some of the points the book makes
I feel like I need to maybe go back and write about what happened when ds was born. Write it from a fresh perspective to see if that helps. I do believe things have got better but my worry is the constant niggling I seem to do with him. I seem to 'notice' ds' behaviour more than dd's. And his reactions to things tend to make me uncomfortable.
It is not just ds that I have difficulty with though. DH often gets treated as a scapegoat I still dont know why he triggers me so very much.
I think I wrote before that perhaps I am projecting myself on to him? But what does that really mean. I feel I have to really 'get' something in order for things to change. I can 'know' or suspect things are a certain way but unless I really 'feel' them nothing changes.

BA- Noticed you had withdrawn your posts. Hoe you are ok? x