Are financial compromises always required as part of a relationship ?

[rookiemater]

Dh and I have different spending styles and priorities so we have worked round this by having a joint account where all our money goes into for most things, and then personal allowance for items such as clothes, computer games (him) and sundry items.

We are reasonably well off due primarily to DH being a contractor, but of course it is not secure and he isn't on a long term contract although he has been there for about 18months.

Anyway long story but last Nov my car was on its last legs, DH was keen to get a sporty model and after much soul searching and Mumsnet posting I said he could get something sporty and I'd drive the family car. Instead we went for a sensible inexpensive option for me, as we had just bought one car I proposed and he agreed that we wouldn't discuss cars again until end of this year.

Fast forward to this weekend, DH gets an afternoon off work, was meant to go walking instead its raining so goes to fancy dealership looks at cars and then badgers me about it until I say he can do whatever he thinks is best provided that a) it doesn't take us off our target to pay off mortgage in 5 years and b) I don't want to hear it mentioned as a reason why I can't cut down on hours at work as have been having some health issues and want to spend a bit more time with DS.

There have been other instances of, in my view, wasteful spending, such as buying a completely new computer so he can play a new computer game. We don't have any debts other than the mortgage, other than these things we don't live an extravagent lifestyle. I hate being the moany one saying No all the time, but it frustrates me because I feel they are extravagances and I'd rather we focused on our key spending priorities rather than getting distracted by bright shiny expensive things. However I love DH and want him to be happy, so should I just suck it up ?

[rookiemater]

Bonsoir Anna, I certainly don't think DH is deliberately making me go out to work so he can drive a flash car.

He seemed somewhat perturbed when I pointed out that the cost of the new car equals my net take home salary for a year once child care costs have been taken off.

However he is supportive in theory of me reducing hours, even though his initial reaction was to work out how much less income we would have.

We are already cushioned for a few months if DH is contractless or I loose my job and I was fully expecting to have a discussion at the end of the year about the cost of the car and agreeing a figure for that.

I feel I'm going round in circles a bit. I want DH to feel like the head of our household, old fashioned and ridiculous though that is, but I also want to feel valued and involved in the decision making process.

[potplant]

OMG you are living a parallel life with me - I completely know where you are coming from. Paying off the mortgage in 5 years is exactly the kind of scheme DH would come up with and then make no effort to cut back.

DH too said that one of the things that he liked most about me was that I had a 'proper' job and earnt my own money.

DH too loves shiny new stuff, I couldn't care less. Luckily not usually big ticket stuff like cars but stuff in the region of £200 for wizzy things for the telly/computer etc. Its a great source of discord between us ie:

Discussions about buying stuff always seem to feature me being a miserabe wet blanket and him badgering me until I give in.

I feel for you but I don't have a solution.

[BonsoirAnna]

Are you happy going out to work or would you rather SAHM?

[rookiemater]

Shall we set up a club potplant? Call it miserable wet blanket wives society. Every month or so we could go out for a pot of tea and share an (inexpensive) tray bake. Maybe Endless and HappyWoman could come along too.

Maybe they are all like this. Even my friends DH who can't be told the true price of holidays as they are too expensive and spends 6 months deliberating on replacing the family car even when its on the blink, has just got himself a motorbike and all the gear. I suppose at least its not cocaine or porn or other women, sighhhh.

[rookiemater]

Anna, good question.

I don't think I would make an ideal as a SAHM, ironically because I'm not good at making the cut backs it would entail. I do want to reduce hours and potentially responsibilities partly because of some health issues I am going through, but also because DS is so darned cute and cuddly at the minute, and DH does appear to be supportive of this.

[potplant]

I gratefully accept your invitation to join the wet blanket wives society.

[kickassangel]

can you do a bit of maths homework? find out from the mortgage co how much you would reduce the term on your mortgage if you paid your savings in, the cost of the car, PLUS insurance etc, the cost of the conservatory, and the costs involved of you cutting your hours. then sit down & have a chat.

start with the posistive - i've been thinking about the new car, and your idea to buy it a little early etc

then give him 3 scenarios

1. we pay money into the mortgage, the effect would be ...
2. we buy the car, the effect would be ...
3. we buy the conservatory, ...

and rmemeber, that if i reduce my hours, then our income will be ...

the problem with the car, is that it will cost more money on a monthly basis, whereas pying money into the mortgage will save you money on amonthly basis, and the conservatory will give you a nicer living space.

then discuss your options.

hope i don't sound patronising, but it sounds like you can afford to do one of the three options.

luckily dh & i are both misers & would always opt to pay off the mortgage, it saves huge amounts of money long term, more than any saving scheme you could be paying into.

[rookiemater]

thanks for your post kickassangel.

Unfortunately DH has already committed to buying the car because on Saturday, after being ground down for an hour on Friday with talk of Euro NCap safety records, 19 speakers, heated leather seats ( which I hate because they make me feel as if I have wet myself),nonexistant built in DVD players and nonexistant fitted bicycle rack, I said to DH that he should do whatever he felt was right. I assumed that he would see sense and stick to our original agreement about swapping car at the end of the year, but no instead he took the opportunity when I was out for an hour to purchase brand new sparkling car. Grr hoist by my own petard and all that.

[mummydoc]

just out of interest who pays your childcare costs ? do oyu both save towards your retirement, i would be furious if my dh did what yours has done ...maybe i should join club

[rookiemater]

I get childcare vouchers so it comes out of my salary. We do both put money towards pensions, mine is work based, so its a bit of a grey situation as we do have all the basic costs covered.

[HappyWoman]

id love to joing the wet-blanket club - we could also swap shiny things our dh have tired of - i'll have the car - rookie.

My Dh would rather pay all our spare money off the mortgage too - but then we are both pretty rubish at saving so it seems to be a bit of a bun fight to spend the spare money anyway.

I do the holidays and he the usual male toys. But then we do also pay a lot off the mortgage and although not down to 5 years yet it us surprising how quickly it does reduce. We recently moved house too so would have almost paid off if we hadnt both wanted shiny new house filled with more shiny new things.

[rookiemater]

Sorry HW didn't see your post until just now.

Dhs brand new shiny car is being picked up today, have to say I am just ever so slightly looking forward to see it. I have extracted a bunch of flowers, a cosmo mag ( strange as I am no longer 25 and in need of a boyfriend or clubbing outfits) and a promise that he doesn't think any major purchases are due. We have however lost the camera and he had been muttering about buying a quicker one, so I shan't be holding my breath.