Are financial compromises always required as part of a relationship ?

[rookiemater]

Dh and I have different spending styles and priorities so we have worked round this by having a joint account where all our money goes into for most things, and then personal allowance for items such as clothes, computer games (him) and sundry items.

We are reasonably well off due primarily to DH being a contractor, but of course it is not secure and he isn't on a long term contract although he has been there for about 18months.

Anyway long story but last Nov my car was on its last legs, DH was keen to get a sporty model and after much soul searching and Mumsnet posting I said he could get something sporty and I'd drive the family car. Instead we went for a sensible inexpensive option for me, as we had just bought one car I proposed and he agreed that we wouldn't discuss cars again until end of this year.

Fast forward to this weekend, DH gets an afternoon off work, was meant to go walking instead its raining so goes to fancy dealership looks at cars and then badgers me about it until I say he can do whatever he thinks is best provided that a) it doesn't take us off our target to pay off mortgage in 5 years and b) I don't want to hear it mentioned as a reason why I can't cut down on hours at work as have been having some health issues and want to spend a bit more time with DS.

There have been other instances of, in my view, wasteful spending, such as buying a completely new computer so he can play a new computer game. We don't have any debts other than the mortgage, other than these things we don't live an extravagent lifestyle. I hate being the moany one saying No all the time, but it frustrates me because I feel they are extravagances and I'd rather we focused on our key spending priorities rather than getting distracted by bright shiny expensive things. However I love DH and want him to be happy, so should I just suck it up ?

[rookiemater]

Sorry HW didn't see your post until just now.

Dhs brand new shiny car is being picked up today, have to say I am just ever so slightly looking forward to see it. I have extracted a bunch of flowers, a cosmo mag ( strange as I am no longer 25 and in need of a boyfriend or clubbing outfits) and a promise that he doesn't think any major purchases are due. We have however lost the camera and he had been muttering about buying a quicker one, so I shan't be holding my breath.

[HappyWoman]

id love to joing the wet-blanket club - we could also swap shiny things our dh have tired of - i'll have the car - rookie.

My Dh would rather pay all our spare money off the mortgage too - but then we are both pretty rubish at saving so it seems to be a bit of a bun fight to spend the spare money anyway.

I do the holidays and he the usual male toys. But then we do also pay a lot off the mortgage and although not down to 5 years yet it us surprising how quickly it does reduce. We recently moved house too so would have almost paid off if we hadnt both wanted shiny new house filled with more shiny new things.

[rookiemater]

I get childcare vouchers so it comes out of my salary. We do both put money towards pensions, mine is work based, so its a bit of a grey situation as we do have all the basic costs covered.

[mummydoc]

just out of interest who pays your childcare costs ? do oyu both save towards your retirement, i would be furious if my dh did what yours has done ...maybe i should join club

[rookiemater]

thanks for your post kickassangel.

Unfortunately DH has already committed to buying the car because on Saturday, after being ground down for an hour on Friday with talk of Euro NCap safety records, 19 speakers, heated leather seats ( which I hate because they make me feel as if I have wet myself),nonexistant built in DVD players and nonexistant fitted bicycle rack, I said to DH that he should do whatever he felt was right. I assumed that he would see sense and stick to our original agreement about swapping car at the end of the year, but no instead he took the opportunity when I was out for an hour to purchase brand new sparkling car. Grr hoist by my own petard and all that.

[kickassangel]

can you do a bit of maths homework? find out from the mortgage co how much you would reduce the term on your mortgage if you paid your savings in, the cost of the car, PLUS insurance etc, the cost of the conservatory, and the costs involved of you cutting your hours. then sit down & have a chat.

start with the posistive - i've been thinking about the new car, and your idea to buy it a little early etc

then give him 3 scenarios

1. we pay money into the mortgage, the effect would be ...
2. we buy the car, the effect would be ...
3. we buy the conservatory, ...

and rmemeber, that if i reduce my hours, then our income will be ...

the problem with the car, is that it will cost more money on a monthly basis, whereas pying money into the mortgage will save you money on amonthly basis, and the conservatory will give you a nicer living space.

then discuss your options.

hope i don't sound patronising, but it sounds like you can afford to do one of the three options.

luckily dh & i are both misers & would always opt to pay off the mortgage, it saves huge amounts of money long term, more than any saving scheme you could be paying into.

[potplant]

I gratefully accept your invitation to join the wet blanket wives society.

[rookiemater]

Anna, good question.

I don't think I would make an ideal as a SAHM, ironically because I'm not good at making the cut backs it would entail. I do want to reduce hours and potentially responsibilities partly because of some health issues I am going through, but also because DS is so darned cute and cuddly at the minute, and DH does appear to be supportive of this.

[rookiemater]

Shall we set up a club potplant? Call it miserable wet blanket wives society. Every month or so we could go out for a pot of tea and share an (inexpensive) tray bake. Maybe Endless and HappyWoman could come along too.

Maybe they are all like this. Even my friends DH who can't be told the true price of holidays as they are too expensive and spends 6 months deliberating on replacing the family car even when its on the blink, has just got himself a motorbike and all the gear. I suppose at least its not cocaine or porn or other women, sighhhh.

[BonsoirAnna]

Are you happy going out to work or would you rather SAHM?

[potplant]

OMG you are living a parallel life with me - I completely know where you are coming from. Paying off the mortgage in 5 years is exactly the kind of scheme DH would come up with and then make no effort to cut back.

DH too said that one of the things that he liked most about me was that I had a 'proper' job and earnt my own money.

DH too loves shiny new stuff, I couldn't care less. Luckily not usually big ticket stuff like cars but stuff in the region of £200 for wizzy things for the telly/computer etc. Its a great source of discord between us ie:

Discussions about buying stuff always seem to feature me being a miserabe wet blanket and him badgering me until I give in.

I feel for you but I don't have a solution.

[rookiemater]

Bonsoir Anna, I certainly don't think DH is deliberately making me go out to work so he can drive a flash car.

He seemed somewhat perturbed when I pointed out that the cost of the new car equals my net take home salary for a year once child care costs have been taken off.

However he is supportive in theory of me reducing hours, even though his initial reaction was to work out how much less income we would have.

We are already cushioned for a few months if DH is contractless or I loose my job and I was fully expecting to have a discussion at the end of the year about the cost of the car and agreeing a figure for that.

I feel I'm going round in circles a bit. I want DH to feel like the head of our household, old fashioned and ridiculous though that is, but I also want to feel valued and involved in the decision making process.

[BonsoirAnna]

You have to work out how much disposable income you have left after essential bills. And then you have to ensure that both of you are getting a fair deal on how that disposable income is allocated.

It is, of course, very shocking if a DH wants flashy toys that his DW doesn't care about and expects her to work in order for him to afford them...

[HappyWoman]

solid - that all sounds good in an ideal world, but not really a partnership where finacial planning has been discussed and then one party seems to 'ignore' the 'agreement'

Rookie - need to find a cheap hobby for your dh to spend his money on.

We also like the car boot sales for when you feel like splashing the cash.

[rookiemater]

Maybe I just need to live with it, we have enough to pay the mortgage and buy everything we need and hopefully DH will continue to get contracts. He wouldn't get us into debt so its not like he is bad at money management, it's more that our priorities are different.

Someone asked re the mortgage. It was very much DHs idea to pay it off in 5 years, my initial thoughts were 10 years but he likes to have a stretch target.

Funnily enough DHs ex GF the one before me was the extravagent one, always buying loads of antique furniture and as she was a student DH gave her an allowance each week. DH said once when drunk that this time he had picked someone who earned their own money and it always rankles slightly, even though I have to offset it against the fact that he is kind and loving and always wants to do his best for DS and myself.

[nikki1978]

My DH is rubbish with spending and admits to it openly. Two months after we got together 8 years ago I found out he was in £35,000 of debt. We have worked through it together and although he still wants things quite a lot (expensive stuff of course) I calm him down when needs be and if he is very insistent I make sure he finds other ways of paying for it (he sells things he doesn't need any more and does extra work). It is a quirk of his that I have learnt to live with because I love him but he tries to fight his addiction

[rookiemater]

I have no problem at all with DH doing exactly what he wants with his personal money. Our monthly personal allowance is generous particulary if Dh remembers to take in the packed lunch I sometimes make

However it is generally joint account things that he seems to push so car is a joint account thing because it will be his family car, computer was allegedly being upgraded to "future proof" it, didn't know about it being for the game until I saw it being installed as soon as all the bits arrived.

Ironically DH is always saying that he never manages to spend his allowance as he has such modest needs

Am I nagging old fishwife or economically responsible equal partner, its so hard to tell ?

[solidgoldSneezeLikeApig]

I think if you agree that the joint account money is for bills/necessities and that you each have a personal account for personal spending, then what each person spends their personal loot on should not be subject to veto by the other. Because what goes into the personal accounts should be money that you can afford to spend on nonsense and luxuries and when it's gone its gone.

[rookiemater]

I'm just back from my own revenge spending spree. Sadly the best I can manage was £33 on Doodles and Clarks summer shoes for DS, Dh only likes him to wear manly trainers so won't approve.

HW perhaps I should push DH towards the garden, however even there he has managed to spend money. We pay a company £21 to come and cut it once a fortnight. It takes them 20 minutes I know this because they do it whilst we have breakfast, they do however have a team of 4 and a super duper mower.

I would do it myself but the money would only disappear into the communal fund and be wasted on fripperies so there is little point.

Oh well the cricket season has started and he got equipped with all the latest cricket gear a few months ago so hopefully that will keep him out of mischief for a while.

[HappyWoman]

enless - mine would be like this with the washer too, any excuse to get a new one actually.

We have leanred to accept that is the way he is and now tend to have a bit of a laugh about it.

Any repairs therefore i tend to try myself.

His passion now is his lawn - which appart from him getting mower envey is a lot cheaper generally and keeps him busy.

I can honsestly say we have the best back lawn in our street and that is enough to keep dh happy.

[endless]

Hm, it is.
Dhs father right up until about 4 years ago was getting credit cards and spending them to the max, not paying the mortgage (which incidentally they did not have as the house was bought for them as a wedding present but they had to get a mortgage on it to pay of previous debts from his dads spending)

The line in the sand was drawn and his mum FINALLY (after encouragement and a talking to from me) took all finacial responsibility off his dad completely.
He now has £5 per week to himself that is it, if its gone, no more!
Actually, he is happy with this because they have done bits to the house with savings and can now afford to go on small holidays each year. He still has to work 7 days a week to keep thier heads above water though and he is nearly 60. All his own doing.

Dh can be like his dad in the spening dept, although he is easily persuaded away from sillyness!

Its awful, it goes on for 20-30 years the ripple affect of someones selfishness.
Not in our house it wont

[rookiemater]

Thanks HW I do think because we do have the money, largely because of DHs earning ability, then maybe I just need to chill out about it and trust him to make the right decision.

Endless its interesting what you are saying about family spending patterns. Dh came from a family with not much money and they made odd financial decisions such as buying DH every single item off the school clothing list even the tracksuit when he made it into grammar, although they sometimes didn't have enough money to pay the rent because they had spent too much on holiday. My parents are relentlessly frugal and Dh has helped me to enjoy life a bit more, i.e. when you go away its not obligatory to stay 3 star. However as a result of watching their pennies they have a very comfortable retirement and can afford to to anything they want ( which as they are quite low maintenance isn't very much).

I thought we had reached a compromise when we discussed our five year plan on the mortgage and its something I thought we are both happy to push towards, but there always seems to be one more purchase to be made and a persuasive reason why its the right thing to do.

[endless]

I think that is a really good point happy, how "mature" they are.
Dh has got better as he has got older and certainly since we had children his interest in shiny stuff has waned thank goodness.

He is still a pain though if the washer breaks down, he simply says right, lets go and get a new one....hang on mate, get the back off it and see if it needs a part 1st is always my answer.

[HappyWoman]

yes - i think my dh needs to have some focus to the money - 'savings' are to be spent?

However we are in a very good finacial position wrt to jobs ect.

I too am now earning and it is interesting that dh wants me to 'save' my money.

I think he likes to know we CAN afford things and then it seems to lessen his desire for it.

[endless]

erm, well, it was dh's family that had financial hardship as he grew up due to his fathers selfish, wasteful and unnecissary spending.
So, he has seen with his own 2 eyes how it affects every one in the house and how this can go on for many years.

Me i have been on my own since i was 16 so had to stand on my own 2 feet from a very young age, this is what influenced my spending/saving habits.

Things dont get unpleasant because i do what you do, i say, well if you have the money saved in 2 years time, then yes, i think you should shop around for a very good deal on the motorbike engine that you want. He is happy with this as its not an altogether NO. BUT>......then by the time the 2 years are up, he is usually thinking about something else.
I always put things in the way as well, so i say, for example at the moment we are saving to go to Florida in 2 years..."lets get Florida out of the way then see how you are fixed money wise".
Thsi is always a good compromise for him.