some foreplay issues (sorry if it's a bit early for this type of discussion)

[BedProb]

dh and i have been together many years.
we've always had a great sex life, not as frequent as i'd like sometimes but dh is great in bed (sorry if sounds like bragging but want to give you whole picture) always resulting in orgasms for both of us.

i have a much higher sex drive but over the years, it has become less of a problem where my sex drive has calmed down a bit. i suppose nowadays we average once a week which is fine.

i've never considered myself to be particularly great in terms of the actual sex bit but have always enjoyed giving bjs (sorry tmi). we used to do this a lot and i really do like to do it. so that was obviously great for him as blokes generally like this right?! however, in recent years, foreplay has become less and less. he doesn't seem comfortable with me touching him and doesn't seem to get hard when i do, not fully anyway.

so our sex goes like this:

kissing and touching
him making me come through foreplay (but not wanting me to touch him)
us having sex (no erectile problems)
us both coming

which is great for me, i'm a very satisfied lady. i know i shouldn't complain but i want to touch him too. it makes me feel selfish and like i'm not doing anything. also, like i previously said, it does actually turn me on too.

so this has been going on for a while, maybe a few years now. i miss feeling sexy. i miss feeling good at what i do. most of all i miss being able to pleasure him like he does for me.

we do talk very openly about sex. we speak of porn and wanking and other really frank discussions but when it comes to this it's difficult. last time we spoke of this i said if there was anything he wanted me to do, or do differently he can tell me and i'll do it iykwim. he said that he gets thoughts in his head like he's not getting hard and it makes him lose it (argh, not easy to word this).

so i just don't mention it. i don't want to put more pressure on him, and like i said, it isn't like our sexlife isn't satisfying.

but last night, he actually wanted a bj. great, so i started and he was hard but not completely. then he said his d*ck looked small and sort of laughed embarressed. the he said 'it's not you'. we stopped and he resumed the usual sex agenda.

why did he say that? i certainly don't think he's too small. he isn't at all.

he's a really confident bloke too, good looking, successful i.e. he doesn't generally lack self-esteem in his life. in fact when i met him, he was a bit of a ladies man too so he's always been quite confident in that department.

afterwards, i said to him that he wasn't small and he shouldn't say that. i said that he was perfect and tried to reassure him.

i don't know what else to do. i feel like by mentioning it again i'm putting more pressure on him.

screamingabdab yes there have been a few deaths over the years. my dad was only 49 when he died a few years back. dh also lost his gma and gdad in this time space.

i have a higher sex drive, it's normally me who initiates sex. i guess this could be emasculating too

I think that says it all- maybe now that he is a bit older, he is more inhibited and slightly less potent- and your advances are in fact pushing him away.

Why not try not making any moves- until he does?

yes i suppose i can.
i think he will just use porn though as it's 'easier' than shagging me.

but eventually he will initiate.

when you say he will use porn- do you mean to masturbate?

I don't know- but the more you say, the less it seems to hang together that your sex life was/is great. Are you really being honest with yourself? is it not more a case of it was great for you - but perhaps now he is just not playing along quite so readily, espcially if he has a low(er) libido?

yes i mean have a w*nk.
i think you have the wrong end of the stick. men don't generally just play along with sex like women do. if they aren't turned on and enjoying it then it's unlikely you'll be having sex at all. it's not like being a woman and lying back and thinking of england so to speak.

imo nothing in life worth having comes easily and sometimes you even need to apply that to your sex life. i don't think there is anything wrong with that.

anyway, i spoke to him last night. i asked him if he wanted to get some new clothes and he said that would help him to feel better about himself. i asked him whether he thought about his weight when we had sex and he said not at all. i asked him if he still wanted to do those foreplay things together and he said he did but he finds it difficult to relax and switch off his thoughts and stresses about life. he said that we need more touching and cuddling generally. he said he would make an effort to spend more time in the evening together instead of going on the computer all the time. he said that him feeling in the mood for sex and oral sex is largely dependant on our general happiness as a couple, the daily grind sometimes taking it's toll.

so we tried to think about what we argue about most (chores and parenting) i said that i would try to butt out with regards to him finding his own ways to manage our son. he said he would help more with looking after our son and doing his share of the housework now that i'm working part time. this morning he got up with our son so i could have a lie in.

he said he doesn't feel like we have any major issues and that we don't argue all the time but that he is strugggling with sleeping and work and then he feels unable to control his moods when at home. he immerses himself in music or computer games to escape the stress and then when he stops those things are in his head again as he ries to sleep. i suggested that he stop playing a bit earlier on and try to get things done instead of ignoring them which he said he would do.

he also said that he would like to get a bit fitter so we will have a think about adding something else into our lifestyle to support that.

i have no idea if we can sort these things out, he's always been quite a stressed but ignoring his problems kind of person. i'm going to buy him a notebook to keep by the bedside so he can write down things when they come into his head. i will try to plan things for us to do in the evening together so that he wants to come off his computer and we can spend time togther. however, i can't force him to do these things and largely he has to take control of them himself otherwise the problem won't be solved at all.

i just wanted to say thanks for encouraging me to talk to him and i offered all the suggestions of things that you told me. it was pretty awkward for him and me but i hope it will get back to normal at some point soon.

if any of you have any comments or ideas for the issues i have just outlined, they would be greatfully received.

I hope that things sort themselves out for you both.

But I can't help feeling, thinking about this thread as a whole as well as your last post, that you are putting an awful lot of pressure on your DH. Suddenly now it's not just about sex it's about helping with your son and doing more housework!

(I'm not saying that he shouldn't be doing these things, by the way).

He sounds to me like someone under a lot of pressure - and you could be one of those stresses he's talking about.

Back off and be kind to him rather than just thinking about your own needs.

(I mean this kindly, not to patronise, although I'm aware it could sound more like the latter.)

good luck xx

and well done with talking

to echo BIWI, make sure you are also doing the things you discussed

he sounds like a good bloke and a keeper, so worth the effort I think

Hi, not much time now, but ......

Glad you had that talk with him - he sounds a bit like me! (having trouble turning off his thoughts).

I think you are both right to identify the fact that parenting disagreements and how the chores are shared out has an impact on the relationship and therefore sex. Small irritations (on both sides), if left unvoiced can cause a build-up of resentment, resentment is not very sexy! I know this from experience, lol

It sounds like you are willing to work on things together, so best of luck!

BIWI, yes i suppose it does look like that.
we do the same job and i understand the pressures that come with it.

as much as i love my husband i can't do everything around the house by myself.

his chores are: taking out the rubbish, washing up after dinner and mowing the lawn. i do everything else and that's fine. i don't expect anything else from him but i also am not prepared to do all the housework an run myself into the ground. like i said, i work part time so i do most of the work at home, he can manage to do other bits. he is always home before 6 if that gives you an idea of his working day.

i am also a strong believer of him doing his part in the upbringing of our son. sometimes when he gets in from work and goes straight upstairs on his computer i think it isn't fair on me or ds who want to spend some time with him. i can't just accept that as his feelings are more importat than mine or ds.

i guess that may seem selfish to everyone but it is not possible for me to be in a relationship where one person's needs are more important than the others.

i feel that when he gets in from work until ds goes to bed that this is time togther. we have a laptop downstair so he can chill on the sofa whilst ds is playing and i'm cooking dinner.

these things came up because they are issues that cause arguments between us. two weeks in a row he didn't put the rubbish out so at 6 in the morning i had to carry the big bag and recycle boxes out to our front lawn. whilst ds was running around, and me being pregnant. not nice for me.

i don't want to appear like i'm drip feeding this out but i also didn't want to get into dh bashing as i do try to be understanding of his complexities.

i'm no superwoman, i need help sometimes too.

screamingabdab, thanks for that

anyfucker, he is a great bloke. the only one for me. i am definitely going to do all the things i set out to do.

i guess it must seem like we added loads more responsibilty to his part but that came from him not wanting me to be annoyed with him for not washing up/mowing/doing the bins. to me the only solution is that he just needs to do those things, then i won't get annoyed. i'm not willing to budge on that.

I can suggest a great coach/counsellor who can help- often by phone as well- maybe he needs an outsider to help adjust his work-life balance?

www.gladeanamcmahon.co.uk - try .com if the uk isn't right.

Aw well done for talking to him BP. It seems like you have a gained a lot from his perspective, had a good chat and compromising, not to mention a good bit of shopping

Best wishes, it is really nice to read a positive outcome