some foreplay issues (sorry if it's a bit early for this type of discussion)

[BedProb]

dh and i have been together many years.
we've always had a great sex life, not as frequent as i'd like sometimes but dh is great in bed (sorry if sounds like bragging but want to give you whole picture) always resulting in orgasms for both of us.

i have a much higher sex drive but over the years, it has become less of a problem where my sex drive has calmed down a bit. i suppose nowadays we average once a week which is fine.

i've never considered myself to be particularly great in terms of the actual sex bit but have always enjoyed giving bjs (sorry tmi). we used to do this a lot and i really do like to do it. so that was obviously great for him as blokes generally like this right?! however, in recent years, foreplay has become less and less. he doesn't seem comfortable with me touching him and doesn't seem to get hard when i do, not fully anyway.

so our sex goes like this:

kissing and touching
him making me come through foreplay (but not wanting me to touch him)
us having sex (no erectile problems)
us both coming

which is great for me, i'm a very satisfied lady. i know i shouldn't complain but i want to touch him too. it makes me feel selfish and like i'm not doing anything. also, like i previously said, it does actually turn me on too.

so this has been going on for a while, maybe a few years now. i miss feeling sexy. i miss feeling good at what i do. most of all i miss being able to pleasure him like he does for me.

we do talk very openly about sex. we speak of porn and wanking and other really frank discussions but when it comes to this it's difficult. last time we spoke of this i said if there was anything he wanted me to do, or do differently he can tell me and i'll do it iykwim. he said that he gets thoughts in his head like he's not getting hard and it makes him lose it (argh, not easy to word this).

so i just don't mention it. i don't want to put more pressure on him, and like i said, it isn't like our sexlife isn't satisfying.

but last night, he actually wanted a bj. great, so i started and he was hard but not completely. then he said his d*ck looked small and sort of laughed embarressed. the he said 'it's not you'. we stopped and he resumed the usual sex agenda.

why did he say that? i certainly don't think he's too small. he isn't at all.

he's a really confident bloke too, good looking, successful i.e. he doesn't generally lack self-esteem in his life. in fact when i met him, he was a bit of a ladies man too so he's always been quite confident in that department.

afterwards, i said to him that he wasn't small and he shouldn't say that. i said that he was perfect and tried to reassure him.

i don't know what else to do. i feel like by mentioning it again i'm putting more pressure on him.

If you bought HIM some new clothes?

holyguac, i know. i have self confidence probs along with the next person.

i guess it doesn't help that when this problem arises (or doesn't!) it does make me feel self-conscious about what i'm doing. no matter how i try not to let him think it's an issue for me, it's awkward.

i guess i have to talk about it but i don't want to add to the pressure.

yes him.
give him a confidence boost.

not clothes for the bedroom mind!
outdoor clothes!

Why can't he buy his own clothes?

he can but i wanted to do something nice for him!

Well, to put this as tactfully as I can under the circumstances .. it may be that he's just too sensitive to issues around control and autonomy at the moment.

You also said that you'd like to 'do something nice for him' by giving him a blow job, which he doesn't react well to at the moment.

Don't go out and buy his clothes for him - it's actually quite diminishing to him to have those simple decisions taken out of his hands.

If you think he needs new clothes to cheer him up, then I recommend showing a little cunning. Tell him YOU need some new things and ask him to help you choose. While you're out, steer him to thinking about the decisions he might like to make for HIMSELF about his clothes and hair and encourage him to make some decisions and exercise some control in this more neutral area of his life.

If you have confidence problems, is it at all possible that you are trying to sort your dh out rather than buckling down and sorting yourself out?

No-one is so uniquely qualified to live his life as he is. And no-one is so perfectly suited to living your life as you are. If you feel you need a project, you have one already, and it is ... YOU!

RCB, thanks for your response.

i have self-confidence issues that are fairly average i think. i have tried my hardest to resolve these thoughts. after having ds i took up exercise and the result was i ended up a stone lighter than i was before getting pg. i am healthy bmi which was my goal.

i have bought him clothes in the past as he was never interested. in recent years he has bought his own clothes.

i am thinking about him rather than me right now as he seems to have some issues in his head about himself, the way he looks and his body. i don't think focussing on myself right now is necessarily the answer.

i want to help him. to understand him. to make things easier for him. he is my husband and i love him.

obviously the foreplay thing is important to me too. it gives me pleasure to give him pleasure iykwim but the main motivation is that i want to help him. this is the first thing in our relationship which i have felt unable to discuss wih him, for fear of making it worse.

I do understand, but I still think you should be wary of doing his work for him. Especially if you think he has control issues.

Cunning, that's what you need!

Best of luck.

RCB xx

righty.

i will think of a cunning plan.

thx again

I am very wary of saying this, but will anyway- is there any chance he might be seeing someone else?

There is a long thread here where someone's Dh kept losing his erection ( long before the affair came to light) and it turns out he was playing away- he obviously felt guilty.

I know that lots of guys suddenly take an interest in their appearance when the OW is around, and in your case i am 99.9% sure there isn't one- but I had to float it past you.

i doubt it very much.
he goes to work and doesn't go out during week.
when he goes out on a weekend, it's with mutual friends.

he just isn't that kind of bloke. i know you never know but there isn't any time away from home which is unaccounted for.

unless he's shagging someone at work on his lunchbreak.

i haven't worked out a cunning plan at all. feeling a bit miserable and undesired now too. i think thinking about it all today has made me feel worse about it.

he's home from work but feeling poorly so i won't speak to him tonight. i don't know if i should speak to him at all about it. maybe it's a bad idea. maybe i'll just make it all worse for him and he won't want to sleep with me at all

would really love some male perspectives on this if anyone's dh/p is around.

man ...

Only your dp really knows what's going on in his head, but sexual self-confidence can be easily shaken. And as you get older - and not necessarily that old - erections don't become as reliable as one might like. What might have guaranteed them once is no longer quite so certain to have the desired result. And that is an emasculating feeling - especially, I guess, if he used to be a ladies' man.
Men do get insecure about their bodies. I know I do. About the whole package. But I'd say you need to talk to him about what's wrong before you start offering solutions - if you tell him x will sort out what's ailing you, and he replies that x isn't the issue at all, you might well just piss him off even more by having leapt to conclusions.
Also, men do feel some of the same things as women - so make suer you touch him often without it having sexual intent - the feeling of easy physicality might make the sexual part easier.

allfalldown, thanks for reassuring me. everywhere i look it's all about how much men love bjs and it's frustrating. i'm so willing.

how can i reassure him that i think he's great? touching him in a non-sexual way is a great point. we don't do enough snogging and cuddling unless we are about to have sex.

do you think i will be adding to the pressure by talking to him about it? i really don't want to make him feel bad.

from a man's pov, what is the best way to approach the topic?

Is it because you're pregnant? My DH found sex very weird during pregnancies.

no it's not that. it's been this way for ages. pre-pregnancy. i thought that too at first. when did it begin? i can't remember. i think it has just got progressively worse over the last few years.

maybe he just doesn't see me like that anymore now i'm a mum?

argh. but again i don't think so as the rest of our sex is normal and passionate.

i don't know.

BedProb Something just occurred to me. It might seem a bit left-field, but have there been any recent bereavements or serious illnesses in DHs family recently?

I'm just thinking about the links between libido and fears about ageing/mortality

I think someone on Dadsnet might be able to help. Maybe post there as well, with a link to here ?

I know this is daft- but does he reject BJs because he doesn't want you to see his "small" willy? Maybe you could do it blindfold ?

But, given that it hasn't shrunk, why is this all different now?

He has got some psychological issue here- either body image, lack of sexual confidence, or possibly ( doubt it) an issue with you , now you are a mum.

If I were you, I'dleave the BJs off the menu for now and just focus on being nice to him and a "couple".
If he needs tolsoe weight, maybe you could suggest you get fit together, by going to the gym, or weekend walkies or something?

BedProb - have read the thread several times and my feeling is that you might just be going to fast for him.

You say that typically you orgasm during foreplay but he is finding it difficult and then you go on to have penetrative sex and he and you both orgasm. That actually sounds great to me.

You have a higher sex drive and it seems to me that he might well be feeling under pressure to perform and now he has hit 30 and put on some weight frankly he is struggling. When he was 21 I am sure it was no problem for him to reach orgasm in foreplay and then again afterwards during penetrative sex but suddenly at 30 he is not able to perform at the same level and he is worrying about it.

DH and you have been together a long time so he wants it to be like the old days but sadly it is never going to be and he is worried. As AllFallDown says erections become less reliable after 30 - but men can learn to start enjoying slower more sensual sex. He is just taking a bit longer to get to orgasm than he used and perhaps he struggles to orgasm twice (if at is what used to happen). He does reach orgasm in the end.

I know from my own experience that once a man starts 'worrying' he might not be able to perform (i.e maintain an erection or ejaculate within a certain timescale) the tendency is for that doubt to start feeding on itself and inevitably the whole thing becomes a failure and failure feeds on itself. Once several failures have happened the whole thing spirals.

I suggest you take it a lot slower and tell him directly and frankly that while you want to reach orgasm during foreplay you are quiet happy for him not to and he should relax and just enjoy it rather than try and keep up with you. His reluctance to be touched is all part of that issue. He feels under pressure to reach orgasm when you touch him. Taking that pressure away will be a huge relief - let him enjoy touching you and being touched but without him feeling he has to perform.

Being a sexually confident man in his younger years this sudden 'failure to perform' in his own mind has obviously hit him hard.

The other things you mention like worrying about penis size, his weight and his clothes seem to me to be a reflection of his feeling that now he is not performing as well as he used to and that you might be starting to not fancy him anymore. You are being reassuring of course but it his perception of 'failure to keep up with you' in his own mind that is feeding this anxiety.

Talking frankly with him is the best way to deal with and taking the 'pressure to perform' off him is the way to go. I also suggest if he is worried about his clothes offer to go shopping with him and tell him the sort of clothes you like. Let him choose but compliment him on on his choices and suggest others you like. I like clothes shopping with my wife (although I can and do shop happily on my own) and we choose clothes together and ask each other's opinions. He may value your advice or just enjoy choosing things you like.

Do keep trying to get him to go to the gym. Doing excercise increases sex drive in men (and women?) and reduces weight and improves stamina. It leads to better performance and more desire for frequency too.

Finally, not all men really like BJs - as several men on MN have said recently including myself. Your DH sounds like he used to though. He just feels under pressure to reach orgasm when you do it - which has made him stop enjoying it.

Hope that makes vague sense - the mind of a man is a complex place when it comes to this particuar subject.

I could be wrong and talking to him is the only way to find out. He might take a bit of time to confess his anxiety tough - so be warned. Hope it works out for you both.

Sorry that post was far far too long. Got carried away.

Great post EBD

I'm glad you contributed Beta. I thought you'd have a good take on it.

evenbetadad- a great post, but does it all hinge on the fact that the OPs DH might not be able to come twice- which is what you seem to be saying is the issue for him?

I know all men are different, but the OPs DH is really quite young; ( not 16 any more I know). IMO and IME (!) men of 30 do not have erectile probs, unless they have a physical illness, such as hardening of the arteries etc. or depression, or a psychological block. It might be worth being checked out by his dr, especially if he is overweight.

hi,

thanks for everyone's responses. a few things which i have maybe not made clear, sorry:

1. he isn't overweight at all. he has put on weight but he is still healthy and fit. i think in his head putting on 20lbs has made him feel overweight though.

2. evenbetadad, what a long response! ta for taking the time. it's not that he used to ejac in foreplay. just bjs were part of our foreplay leading up to sex, he wouldn't come but it was a nice part of getting each other turned on iykwim. sometimes i would like to give him a bj outside of 'sex' during which he would come and that would be it which was also nice. the problem is that he just isn't staying hard, or rather doesn't get completely hard. so he basically doesn't want me to touch him as he isn't fully erect which i can understand.

i suppose the thing about moving to fast coud be improved. i do come really easily and don't need much foreplay myself so things tend to progress into sex quickly. but also, we have a child and that also makes us more hasty whether due to tiredness or worrying about ds waking up! but we've never been ones for massively long sex sessions anyway.

i have a higher sex drive, it's normally me who initiates sex. i guess this could be emasculating too i feel like because i will always say yes to sex that maybe it's not a very attractive way for a woman to appear to a man. you know, everyone cracks jokes about how it's the other way around. if i don't initiate sex, he generally doesn't (although he wouldn't agree with that) and we both end up w*nking to porn (seperately)