Husband unable to say the right thing....

[howtotellmum]

Please help me get some persepctive on this...sorry it is long.

you may remember that I have been very unhappy with my situation for some time and am thinking of leaving, but my DH has begged me to stay and try . One of my biggest issues with him is that although he really loves me, he is useless at putting his feelings into words. consequently I feel a complete lack of empathy- and feel lonely within my marriage.

Two things happened this weekend which made me feel he just can't/doesn't understand me..

we had a big scene with my adult DS at the weekend ( over nothing)which resulted in me feeling a crap mother. Last night in bed DH asked if I was okay and I said I wasn't- in fact I felt that the last 25 years have been a waste and I have cocked up big time ( meaning I have a marriage which is not making me happy and a son who appears to hate me most of the time.) Dh's reply was "Oh that's not true"- meaning it wasn't the case for him! No sympathy for me, or acknowledging how I felt- he was trying to contradict me basically.

Then this morning, he asked what I had on today (I work freelance) so I told him I had an appt this morning, then had the rest of the day free- to which he repiled "Oh that's nice". I suppose he meant (possibly) that he was pleased I had an easy-ish day, but I( being defensive) took it to mean he thought once I'd done my work, I would have time to sit around drinking coffee all day- rather than getting on with all the cleaning, cooking, shopping, gardening and usual stuff that he seems to think happens by itself.

We seem to have a communication problem - he is just not good at saying what he means/wants of finding the right words in any situation. Although I know he reallyloves me, the frustration I feel at his inability to show empathy or "touch me" emotionally is driving me away.

I can tell you how it reads to me, what he said? "Oh that's not true", sounded like he was trying to reassure you that you hadn't cocked up big time, and hadn't wasted your time. And like you say "Oh that's nice", sounded as he was pleased for you that you didn't have a difficult day ahead. He probably never even thought of all the other jobs that needed doing, never occurred to him.

Sounds like he IS trying, but you aren't happy with what he's doing. Have you tried explained what he (in your opinion) is doing wrong? He is probably totally perplexed by your reaction, he wants to please you only doesn't know what is wrong?

(and I meant that as a helpful and supportive post, not to be critical of you )

Goodness me you sound quite sensitive. I take it he has always been like this? In which case it is hard for him to recognise and change without clear guidance from you. He won't pick up hints easily.
My dad can't say what he means and it has at times clearly been torture for him. 'do you want a cup of tea?' has become his way of saying 'I love you and want to help'
What is your dh's relatonship like with his parents? Was he not encouraged to talk about feelings as a child?
I have to say at least he asked if you were alright....there is some thought and care in there somewhere....

"Although I know he reallyloves me, the frustration I feel at his inability to show empathy or "touch me" emotionally is driving me away. "

Now I don't understand that, sorry. If you know how he feels and he tries to show it, I find it odd that his lack of an emotional vocabulary bothers you.

'Oh that's not true' sounds like he was telling you that you were wrong, that you hadn't cocked up. Why is that wrong?

Not wanting to sound unsympathetic, as I am not at all as you are clearly unhappy, but I simply don't think I'd feel that way.

I bet he feels frustrated at his inablility too

Thanks Mary.
I tried to explain last night but it was late and we were tired. I think when he said what he did last night, he was trying to reassure me - partly. But it was also his take on it all, meaning if nothing else we have 2 lovely DCs out of our time together. What I needed him to say was "I am really sorry you feel that- it must be horrible feeling you have spent 25 years that are, in your mind, a waste".

These are just very small examples of a much bigger problem- he is a good, kind man, but he has a problem with words. I am a very "wordy" persona nd have always been attracted to friends/men who are "good with words" and can express emotions verbally. He can't- and it has resulted in me feeling isolated.

I agree with Mary. It sounds like you are the one with the problem (again, that sounds critical but not meant that way!). But then there's more to a marriage than two exchanges you've put in your OP. Can you tell us more?

I mean, if it's just that you're always misinterpreting what he's saying, then you need to look at yourself, not at him.

how can he possibly know that's what you want him to say unless you tell him!?

I'm the same with my DH - I'm very articulate emotionally, and talk a lot. He doesn't. It's just the way he is. You need to work out a way to accept him the way he is, and get your emotions listened to the way you want elsewhere - counselling or a good friend (who may not do it 'right' either!)

HowTo, Again, I am very sympathetic to your unhappiness, but it must have been gut wrenching to hear you say that your 25 years together was a waste. Maybe the communication both ways needs looking at.

You did say that you know ''he really loves you'', but he sounds sad, because if he does, it must hurt him enormously to think you are so unhappy with him. Could you have some time apart?

And maybe look at other areas of your life to see if the marriage is really the source of your happiness, or maybe you are not fulfilled in other areas of your life (work, hobbies, socially) which is affecting your overall feelings?

But if in your heart it is the marriage, then you have to decide whether to stay, and get the best out of the decision to remain , or leave and start again.

Some heartbreaking thinking to do.

Ok I'm going to get flamed for this, but would recommend a flick through The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. A lot of it is OTT and ignorable but there are some excellent nuggets of truth.

One of which is not expecting men to articulate their emotions in the same way we do but rather through their actions. This doesn't mean buying flowers etc etc, but more does he shovel the snow on the pathway so you can get the car out, does he support you in major decisions, does he appear to value your contributions ?

Agree with other posters, Mumsnet is a good place to talk it through.

Ok I'm going to get flamed for this, but would recommend a flick through The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. A lot of it is OTT and ignorable but there are some excellent nuggets of truth.

One of which is not expecting men to articulate their emotions in the same way we do but rather through their actions. This doesn't mean buying flowers etc etc, but more does he shovel the snow on the pathway so you can get the car out, does he support you in major decisions, does he appear to value your contributions ?

Agree with other posters, Mumsnet is a good place to talk it through.

Thanks all for your contributions- mat of which are spot on.

I agree I can be over sensitive, I agree it is hurtful for him to hear what I said, I agree hoe "shovels snow" and does stuff like that- which shows he does care.

I agree that talking to friends etc is good- and a counsellor ( have been seeing one).

I don't agree that I need to re-assess my life etc as have done that, am happy in my life in that way.

He does not come from a family where emotions are discussed- quite the opposite- have talked all of this over with counsellor. I know he means well and tries- cannot fault him in that way- but deep down he is not meeting my needs in some way. he tends to clam up at emotional issues, and even cannot give me a hug, ( words not being his strong point) if I a am upset- he just "freezes". I was relatively old when I got married and although the other relationships I had faltered for other reasons, the men Iknew were very different to my DH.

I have a lot of thinking to do.

I think he is not responding to you the way you would like/need him to for it to be a worthwhile relationship in your eyes.

You are obviously a mature woman who is re evaluating your life atm and you do not need to stay in the relationship if it is frustrating for you.

But that doesn't necessarily mean you will find an ideal partner of the kind you usually get along with ~ you might, but you might not.

If you feel you are basically mismatched then that won't change.

also - do you really want him to change? If you have known he is like this for 25 years why now to think if he is the 'one' for you?

It does sound as if you are searching for something which you have already decided your h is incapable of. Do you think you are looking for an 'excuse' to end it?

Even if he were to transform into this 'wordy, emotional person' would that be enough for you now?

i just reread your last post and sympathise with the sentiment of having usually got on better with other personality types but ended up with your current dh who is not like that.

Tho I also suddenly thought is that because the others wouldn't committ and your dh would?

Do you have trouble choosing things and accepting people the way they are ~ Ithink I do !!

GF lots of questions, but no easy answers!

I married my Dh for all sorts of reasons- one, if I am honest, because I felt I was running out of time for children. I had doubts then and always have had.

Now we are more or less on our own after the DCs have gone, I am just not sure if I should stay when I am constantly questionning- in my own head- if he is right for me.

yes I know where you are coming from!
its hard to decide what to do after so long~I'm sort of in the same boat if that helps ~ but the thought of giving up our homey lifestyle together and house etc after so long is difficult!

I think that you have to accept that he is simply not liek you WRT discussing emotions: he is who he is and trying to make him change is not only futile but frankly unethical (how would you feel if he was busy trying to make you stop talking about emotions and condeming you for the way you do so?) Ony you know whether his good point outweigh this particular bad point But you do need to realise that it's a point of difference between you and not necessarily a sin or a fault in him: you are coming across as a bit blaming of the fact that he is not into long discussions of emotions. Not everyone is. No one individual can meet all your physical and mental needs anyway, peope should be valued for who they are and for their differences.

SG- yes, I know all of that. My Dad's wise words on my wedding day were- "Don't try to change each other."

I don't think it's "unethical"- I do think it is futile. But I also think everyone tries to mold their partners to a degree- even if it is only to "house train " them in some way!

sounds like you are just not that into him - and are trying to put the blame on him. and you could also be accused of not saying the right thing - instead of saying "I have the rest of the day free", why didn't you say "I have to catch up with chores/household stuff etc". communication is a two way process.

In both instances you gave, your DH sounded normal and loving to me.

Men communicate differently to women - if we take a problem to them, they are very unlikely to say 'I'm so sorry you feel you have a problem'. They are much more likely to say 'Oh no, it isn't that bad', or 'you should do x'.

They don't 'do' empathy the way that women do. Even I find straight empathy hard sometimes, I have to bite my lip instead of saying to a friend 'yes but if you hadn't...' etc.

If you're sure that he really loves you then everything else is fixable I'd have thought, if you love him too.

I've wasted enough energy and heartache hoping for men to read my mind and say exactly the right things to me - they rarely do. It's their actions that count.

THis isn't specifically a gender thing BTW (John FUcking Gray should be shot). And there is nothing inherently 'better' about being someone who talks a lot about emotions rather than someone who demonstrates how s/he is feeling by (for instance) giving a loved one practical help.

What are the other problems between you and your H, OP?

I'm basing what I said on my long lifetime's worth of relationship experience, and that of all my friends too.

I agree that JFG should be shot, I would never recommend his books to anybody.

Maybe it would be helpful to have some "time out" to re-evaluate things? I think that marriages can get very stale after a long time and I also think that children leaving home is a huge crunch time. This is probably particularly true if children were high on the agenda for marriage. A bit of space can't be a bad thing although how it works in practice I am not quite sure.

One trend I have noticed in couples who have been married for quite a long time and who are a bit fed up with each other is that they start to "do their own thing" a lot. Not saying this is necessarily a good thing but it is simply my observation. The "doing own thing" often seems to involve the husband (usually) having other relationships of some sort or another (not necessarily successful and maybe realising that the grass isn't greener) and the wife (usually) getting heavily involved in retraining/career/hobbies/renovating home/travelling around world/taking up Zen Buddism.
Sorry if that sounds a bit cynical, but I guess it's such a fag getting a divorce unless you really HAVE to.

Having said that, I do know couples who are delighted that the children are leaving as they can't wait to spend more time together doing things together. I suppose we all want to be in this category, in an ideal world...