Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex (part 3)

62 replies

SickOfTheMaleSpecies · 17/05/2009 21:19

Part 3 in the saga of "no sex, despite initiation".

For those that don't know, my partner seems terrified of sex, despite insisting that there is no problem and that he's just 'tired'

Well, morbid curiosity is keeping me going with this and I know a few of you are wanting updates on the strange fiasco too so here is the latest happenings.

HE started off a discussion about contraception last week. I said "I don't suppose it matters, it's not like we need it, is it".

He then said "yeah we havn't so far, but we WILL do ... soon I hope?" as if it's all been my fault!?

So to cut long story short, I decided (with his input) to go back on the pill. I remembered you took the first one on first day of period so specifically timed my doctors appointment for that day. DP seemed very enthusiastic and drove me there himself.

Now, I was due to be staying at his house that same night. So when we got home with the pills, he said:

"So, how long do you have to wait before you can do anything? is it 7 days?"

I genuinly couldn't remember and the instructions didn't say. So I said "to be on the safe-side, I'd say 7 days". He looked REALLY relieved and said "oh! well ... yes, I agree, we should play it safe and leave it for 7 days ... it's good that we both know where we are tonight then ... " so in other words he was relieved that he was off the hook.

Now I would NOT be persisting with this sex thing but he is giving me mixed signals ALL THE TIME. Why on earth would he push the contraceptive thing if he didn't want to have sex? why would he drive me there himself and act as if it had been a long time coming?!

Then that night he's all over me saying "oh, I can't wait for these 7 days to be up" but I know for a fact he will come up with some other excuse in 7 days!!!

If he just said to me "actually, I'm a no-sex-before-marriage guy" I would be FINE with that! but its the mixed messages that are driving me nuts.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 17/05/2009 22:31

you said it hobgoblin....

Original poster
SickOfTheMaleSpecies · 17/05/2009 22:31

its same day apointments at our doctors, so on first day of period, I phoned the doctors to make an apointment.

People are constantly accussed of trolling on this site, it's ridiculous. I'm trying to get to the bottom of this, it's supposed to be a support forum, if you don't want to read it, don't! but don't go accusing me of being a troll just because you think it's odd or boring ffs. Just don't read it!

Other people might be able to offer some insight. Hence why I'm posting.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/05/2009 22:32

Sick, don't get arsey with me

I have been uber-supportive on your other several threads on this issue (go back and see)

Threads on which you have been given pretty clear and consistent advice

Which you are choosing to ignore and then posting the same bollocks on another almost identical thread

It is tiresome, and yes, I don't have to read it

But I do have to tell you that are an attention-seeker

howtotellmum · 17/05/2009 22:33

well that's a pretty big query, it's no good knowing when to take them if you don't know when they start to work! I can't believe any dr would write a script and not tell you fgs! Or that there weren't any instructions in the packet- or that you couldn't find out an other way. If you were having sex you'd have to be a bit more careful than you appear to be.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 17/05/2009 22:35

Have your past relationships been really shitty, so that you think that any man is worth keeping if he doesn't actually hit or steal from you?

Original poster
SickOfTheMaleSpecies · 17/05/2009 22:35

yet you continue to reply?

I am entitled to post if I want to anyfucker, thanks for your advice in the past but that doesn't mean I have to ask your permision to post more on the subject. If you're bored of it, leave it.

I am looking for opinions on something I don't understand. If you don't want to give them anymore, don't but to say I'm an attention seeker and try and put other people off replying is going too far.

If I want to ask for advice (more?) I will do. If you don't want to give it, don't. Simple.

OP posts:
YanknCock · 17/05/2009 22:36

SickOf, I don't think you're a troll, but I do think this has carried on too long. What kind of support do you expect when this is the 3rd thread of essentially the same problem? What new insight could we possibly provide?

Actually, strike that last sentence---the insight is that you're being a bit silly for allowing this to continue any further. Everyone has tried to be quite supportive, but at some point you have to help YOURSELF.

Original poster
SickOfTheMaleSpecies · 17/05/2009 22:37

that was obv meant for anyfucker.

It didn't say on the instruction leaflet. I later checked up on the net. This was a brief conversation when we first got home ffs.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/05/2009 22:38

You are right, sick

Carry on

howtotellmum · 17/05/2009 22:38

sick- how much of this is real- and how much of it is story-telling? You have a rather engaging way of keeping us listening....and seem to be somewhat detached from it in some ways.

Lotsof people have asked you ots of questions over this saga and you choose not to respond to lots of it. such asme asking how any dr in his/her right mind would give you the pill and not explain how to take it

BitOfFun · 17/05/2009 22:39

I do agree with YnC on this- what more can we say? He doesn't want to have sex, and you're going to feel pretty crap trying to persuade him.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 17/05/2009 22:48

I do wonder why you are being quite so passive WRT this man. Particularly as you have now posted that his behaviour out of the bedroom is quite undermining and controlling - I cannot see this being a healhty relationship and it is just going to get worse. Really, dump him.

GettingaGrip · 17/05/2009 23:24

personality disorders and sexual dysfunction page 101 and onwards quite interesting .

warthog · 18/05/2009 07:49

may be way off base here, but you sound like MrsSnape to me.

i do see why you want to get to the bottom of this, but please don't stay in this relationship so long that you suddenly find it's very hard to get out.

howtotellmum · 18/05/2009 08:05

Sick- what have you decided to do?

In any case, please stop calling him your partner- his is not. A partner implies permanency in a relationship, and a sexual relationship usually.

What you have is a man who you see who is not a "boyfriend" in the usual sense of the word, as your relationship has not yet passed the "holding hands" stage really- unless you count your (rejected) attempts to initiate a more sexual relationship, which he clearly dosn't want.

I think you need to draw it you an end and face up to facts, unless, in a perverse way, you enjoy prolonging the situation.

AnyFucker · 18/05/2009 08:19

not a bad guess warthog

FabulousBakerGirl · 18/05/2009 08:22

Are you wanting to sort this as you will feel like you have failed if you don't get him to shag you?

What are you going to do when he refuses you in seven days?

SamJamsmum · 18/05/2009 08:28

I think one of the reasons people are suspecting trolling is that you are continually avoiding doing the obvious thing. i.e. having an adult open conversation with him where you say things like, "I am feeling very confused and feel like you are giving me mixed messages." "When I said we couldn't have sex for 7 days you seemed like you were relieved". "I am wondering if something else might be going on here.

But it sounds as though sex is not the only issue in this relationship.

pottycock · 18/05/2009 08:29

What was wrong with MrsSnape - did I miss something?

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion · 18/05/2009 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun · 18/05/2009 09:54

There was nothing wrong with MrsSnape, she just didn't seem to be able to tackle interpersonal stuff very well so would stay stuck in daft situations for far too long and not be able to tackle them despite oodles of supportive advice here which she kept asking for but not taking. There was the case of the Bonkers Granny who kept trying to set her up with her grandson, for a start. Sick, if this fella is him, you know you're on a hiding to nothing, surely? Good luck with sorting it out anyway- you can still walk away from this guy with some dignity you know!

me23 · 18/05/2009 10:01

er maybe he was relieved because you were on your period?
Also maybe he is terrified of getting you pregnant.

me23 · 18/05/2009 10:09

just read your next post on this thread, now he is trying to make you feel bad avbout your appearance by highlighting things you may be conscious about. I also don't understand why you can't have an open honest conversation with him, you are both adults I assume. This doesn't sound like a healthy 'relationship' at all.

me23 · 18/05/2009 10:09

just read your next post on this thread, now he is trying to make you feel bad avbout your appearance by highlighting things you may be conscious about. I also don't understand why you can't have an open honest conversation with him, you are both adults I assume. This doesn't sound like a healthy 'relationship' at all.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 18/05/2009 10:51

Hmm: certainly has a similar problem with boundaries and messages to MrsSnape (who was similarly passive to the point of being seemingly incapable to tell manipulative or selfish or otherwise dubious people to fuck off when that was the only sane course of action).