how can i support my sister when i think she's made the wrong discision?

[supportivesister]

am a regular but have name changed for this
this is long one so bear with me
my sister lives a 2 hrs drive away from the rest of our family
she has recently given birth to her dd 6 weeks ago ,she has a ds aged 5 too ,2 weeks after the baby was born her dh dumps her ,she is devastated and has been diagnosed with pnd for which she is having ad's for .he left the family home and she just cant cope ,she wasnt having the baby at nights as he was looking after her at his mums after my sister said she couldnt cope at night times although she still had the baby during the day ,
her dh is turning nasty and threatened to call the police on her if she didnt stop harrassing him,she was hysterical and has decided to leave her kids and come home to live with our parents
my question is how can i support her when i think she has done the wrong thing by leaving the kids ?

is she leaving the kids for the right reason? Are they better cared for by him at this time?? I know its hard to accept any mother would leave their child, and that thebhusband might do a better job, but it does happen. Can she not bring the kids with her?

Your poor sister. She's been dumped by her busband 2 weeks after giving birth and she's suffering from PND.

Maybe she hasn't made a rational decision here but she must be out of her mind and going through absolute hell.

Why do you feel you can't support her?

Also, why should the children not be with their Dad and his family? Do you have reason to think he can't look after his DC or that he would treat them badly?

because no matter what i wouldnt leave my kids

she says she has no feelings for dd ,dh told her that he hadnt loved her for 2 years ,she cant believe that he would make a baby with her knowing that he didnt love her ,its so cruel and of course she blames the baby.
i keep telling her its not the baby's fault.
she said to me she doesnt want the kids ,shes wants to be by herself.
im finding it hard to get my head around that she would do that ,my little nephew is so sad,they are so close

he is a very good dad dont get me wrong

she is suffering from depression, and as such is not responsible for her choices at the moment.

Support her so that she gets the help she needs to get better and go back to her children.

You say that you would never leave your kids - but you simply do not know what you would do if the balance of your mind was disturbed, especially if you feel they are better off without you

granted my dh didnt leave me but i have suffered terribly with pnd and even when i thought the only way out was to kill myself i never once wanted to leave my kids.
i can only hope when she feels stronger she will change her mind
but i also feel is she hasnt got the kids to get up for everyday she will feel life isnt worth living
her dh has said already he is going to go for full custody of the baby
its so sad she was over the moon when she was pregnant

PND is a terrible illness for which she is not responsible and it does affect your judgement in all sorts of ways.

Your attitude sounds pretty callous and in fact might make her worse. How awful that she has come to you for support at what must be her lowest ebb and you don't feel able to give it. That is very sad.

Sorry OP in light of your last post what I said sounds very harsh and I apologise for that.

But surely you must understand that the balance of her mind is disturbed and she's very ill. It's not likes she's some heartless cow abandoning her kids because she can't be bothered.

With support she will be able to get better - please try to get past your own feelings on this.

you have to keep your feelings to yourslef

support her to get treatment for her PND, she needs meds, counselling and support. she needs help with legal advice and lots of other practical things

poor , poor girl

Has anyone suggested that she brings both her children with her to live at your parents house? I think that would be the best plan.

She has left the children with their father?

janos

i will never say the things ive said on here to her -im a very caring sister and im always supportive of her,its me she comes to when she needs help and advice,she will always call me first then my mum
like i have said she doesnt want the kids and i think my mum wouldnt be receptive of the kids in her house too -shes a bit funny like that ,its too much bother
i will keep my feelings to myself

fabulous - yes they will stay with their dad and his family

i spoke to my mum this morning and i said to her to get my sister to the gp on monday moring to sort out some counselling and her reply was that she didnt need any
she does need it

I do understand that supportivesister, sorry I was harsh. It's just I had very bad PND too and saw red a bit - that coloured my reaction. I know you wouldn't be posting on here if you didn't care.

It may be she doesn't want the kids with her at the moment beacuse of her illness but once she has begun to recover things will be very different I'm sure.

It almost sounds like something has 'snapped' inside her.

In your position I'd be at your mum too. How can she not see your sis needs help?

my mum is one of those people who is a kind of 'pull your socks up 'type
im sure you know the ones
having had counselling myself i know she would benefit
they had been togther for 12 yrs and its like she is greiving for the life she had and she is still in love with him
he wants nothing more to do with her
plus he has admitted to fancying her friend

I think you need to sit down with her H tbh she doesn't need the bloody police she needs medical attention.
You yourself have recognised this.
Can you phone him up now and make an appointment with him and sis and her doctor/midwife/hv whoever deals with this, and really set out a plan of actionaable help for her.
sorry your mum is not a helpin this so far, maybe she is a practical hands on type and doesn't understand the debilitating effects of PND.

No wonder your poor sister has problems if your mother is going to worry about the state of her house in a time like this. You are right, your sister will need help. I feel for you and your sister

her dh has dropped her off at my mums and has gone back to look after the kids
will speak to sis in a while and tell her to go to the gp on monday-not sure if she will though when mum is telling her she will be ok

It doesn't sound like your Mum is the best person to be looking after your sister. Can she stay with you?

tbh im not sure i could cope with it
im myself coming out of a really bad bought of depression and anxiety and dont think i could cope with her here as much as it pains me to say ,also financially we couldnt afford another mouth to feed,im sure she will spend a few nights here and there at our house

Something like this happened to my Sister. She lost the plot when her and her xp finished. They had one ds together, who was about 5 at the time.

She was so depressed, she virtually trashed their house and the police came to remove her. She went to live with a friend for a few weeks. She was so low she just knew she wasn't the right person to be with her ds. Her xp looked after him for a while till she felt better.

That was a few years ago and she is with a new dp and they have a dd together and things are good. She is still on ad's but has it controlled.

Sometimes you really do need to be on your own to get your head around things that have happened and start to rebuild your life. I know it is hard not to judge but unless you are in exactly the same position you just dont know what you would do.

In retrospect, I am ashamed to say I probably didn't support my sister as much as I should have done.

Couldn't she support herself financially?

I find it helps me cope with my depression if I have got other people to worry about tbh.

this must be so hard but part of me feels that the kids are best off right now with their father who although he's been a bit of an arse to your sister he's actually been good with the kids and they know him and love him.

your sis needs time and space to come to terms with the split and to recover from her pnd/depression/grief for the relationship.

the kids are lucky he cares for them i think.

i agree
i might of done the same if i was in that situation

Sounds like it's all knocked you for six a bit, supportivesister.

I would say, despite the fact he has behaved very badly (putting it politely there) your BIL is probably best placed to look after the DC right now while your sister recovers. At least he is stepping up to the plate and taking responsibility - and so he bloody well should after his cruel and callous behaviour - honestly, what kind of a man dumps his partner of 12 years 2 weeks after she's had a baby?

Anyway sorry to get back to your sis - Sometimes when you are that bad you really do need to be on your own.

FBG you are absolutely right about earning but SS'sis needs to recover herself a bit before she can start doing that. Sounds like she is barely in a position to look after herself right now.