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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how can i support my sister when i think she's made the wrong discision?

52 replies

supportivesister · 16/05/2009 12:59

am a regular but have name changed for this
this is long one so bear with me
my sister lives a 2 hrs drive away from the rest of our family
she has recently given birth to her dd 6 weeks ago ,she has a ds aged 5 too ,2 weeks after the baby was born her dh dumps her ,she is devastated and has been diagnosed with pnd for which she is having ad's for .he left the family home and she just cant cope ,she wasnt having the baby at nights as he was looking after her at his mums after my sister said she couldnt cope at night times although she still had the baby during the day ,
her dh is turning nasty and threatened to call the police on her if she didnt stop harrassing him,she was hysterical and has decided to leave her kids and come home to live with our parents
my question is how can i support her when i think she has done the wrong thing by leaving the kids ?

OP posts:
macdoodle · 16/05/2009 20:00

Your poor poor sister
If he isnt having an affair I'll eat my hat

Mamazon · 16/05/2009 20:03

the best thing for your sister and her children is that she gets herself better.

your right, she shouldn't be leaving teh children but if you can't cope right now she will be doing them a disservice by forcing herself to keep them.

suport her to get better so that she can take them back and be the best mum she can be

Original poster
supportivesister · 16/05/2009 21:32

thanks for all you advice
i have spoken to her today and she said she is adament that she doesnt want to go home and she dosent want the baby ,she said she can see him having her full time
she will see how she feels about ds,he will come and stay with her next wek (half term)
she did say that she will let him decide how can a 5 yr old boy choose between his mummy and daddy

OP posts:
Janos · 16/05/2009 22:10

It must be really distressing to hear that ss but honestly she is very ill and will not be thinking rationally.

I know this because because when I was at my very worst I told CPN that I wanted my DS taken into foster care because at least then he would be being looked after properly by someone who cared for him. Of course now I thank god that didn't happen and I didn't deep down really mean it, I was desperately ill and begging for help

I think that may be what your sister is doing, sending up a big red flag to show how utterly desolate and desperate she is. It really is a hellish place to be in emotionally and I feel for her very much.

As lulumama says she needs meds, support and counselling.

As you know yourself, she is seriously ill and the pull yourself together attitude (not saying this is yours) is not going to help and could make things a lot worse.

She absolutely must see a GP first thing on Monday, would you be able to get her there, does she have any friends who could go along with her?

toomanystuffedbears · 16/05/2009 22:43

I don't mean to be over dramatic but this popped in my head this morning and won't go away:

She has placed her children in a place of safety...I have to ask...
do you have her on suicide watch?

With that in mind, consider keeping an eye on her while giving her the time and space to heal. She does sound like she is in a very bad way.

Frizbe · 16/05/2009 22:52

I think toomanystuffedbears may have a point there, I'm very sorry that this has happened to your sister, she needs all the help you can give her at the moment.

MrsStig · 16/05/2009 23:05

Agree with toomanystuffedbears. I think you sister is doing what she consideres best for her DC's. You don't know how close she has come to harming the baby.

She's ill; she needs your love and understanding.

poshsinglemum · 16/05/2009 23:08

Her ex H is not a good dad for abandoning his dc and new born. What a twat and your poor, poor sister. I hope she gets well soon.

poshsinglemum · 16/05/2009 23:09

At the moment though, I agree they are better off with him until she is feeling better.

Janos · 16/05/2009 23:10

BTW ss please don't take my last post as a criticism. I read it back and it sounds very bossy and didactic!

I know you are caring and thoughtful and want to help otherwise you wouldn't have posted, and of course you have your own life to lead as well.

And, I know I keep saying this but please, please try to get past what your sister is saying (not wanting her kids etc). It's the illness talking, she doesn't mean it.

skidoodle · 17/05/2009 01:02

totally agree poshsinglemum

I cannot get my head around describing the man who has caused all this anguish and suffering "a good dad"

Your poor sister, she is in a dreadful place I hope she comes out of it ok and that shitbag husband doesn't manage to convince anyone that matters that you can walk out on your family 2 weeks post partum and be rewarded with custody of the children whose family you ripped apart

Weegiemum · 17/05/2009 01:14

As a former sufferer of severe PND that made me "not want" the baby, could I gently suggest that when the GP is seen, someone is there with her who can push for a proper psychiatric referral. If she is walking away from her children in this mental state, then she is seriously ill and it might well be outwith the expertise of a GP - and I love GPs, I am married to one who has a special interest in psychiatry but he would probably pass this one along to the consultants.

Hope things start to look up soon - it a horrible place to be - sometimes I look back on it all and it seems like it wasn't me at all!

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 17/05/2009 01:36

If the children are safe and loved and looked after with their father then your sister is entitled to take time to look after herself first. She hasn't left them in a cardboard box somewhere, she has left them with their father.

Original poster
supportivesister · 17/05/2009 07:42

i wqas just talking to her and she said she didnt sleep at all
she just cant stop thinking about what he is doing and who he is talking too
as she suspects he is cheating with her friend
i have told her to get to the gp on monday morning and ask for counselling ,shes not convinced and i think i will get our other sister to go with her to the gp as she lives next door to mum and dad
but what can i do if she refuses to go
she wants to meet up with me on monday as she needs to transfer some money into her new account ,how can i make her see that monday she should be seeeing the doctor not thinking about money?
as she is still registered with the gp where she used to live ,will it be hard to get a appointment ?
could i possibly phone the gp surgery and say im worried about her?

OP posts:
Original poster
supportivesister · 17/05/2009 07:51

i just feel so sad for her
if she doesnt want the baby i will never see my niece again ,shes so sweet i will miss her terribly
we dont drive so wouldnt be able to visit

OP posts:
MrsStig · 17/05/2009 08:13

It's not that she doesn't want the baby, but her illness has prevented bonding and at the moment she is in such a dark place she just doesn't feel she can cope.

It's important she sees a GP asap.

It's not about you seeing your niece again, it's about getting your sister better so she is able to care for her children and form a loving relationship with her baby.

Original poster
supportivesister · 17/05/2009 08:17

i wonder how she can ever bond if she doesnt want to see her ?

OP posts:
Janos · 17/05/2009 08:38

I think weegiemum has offered some excellent and pertinent advice.

SS if you want to help you really MUST get past YOUR OWN FEELINGS about what your sister is saying. I know I keep saying that but please listen to everyone on this thread who has been in this terrible position and take their advice!

She is seriously ill, very ill indeed and needs urgent medical intervention. I cannot emphasise that enough.

I agree with comments about the husband (arsehole) but that is not the focus right now.

Janos · 17/05/2009 08:40

SS you could show her this thread? How would that go down?

I can promise you with 100% certainty she is not thinking rationally.

Poor woman, her world has just been ripped apart.

StewieGriffinsMom · 17/05/2009 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Weegiemum · 17/05/2009 15:14

Her GP will not be able to discuss her case with you due to confidentiality issues, but he/she will listen to all your concerns and take them on board.

Your sister doesn't sound rational to me at the moment, and she may be in danger of harming herself in some way . In some areas there are specialist mother and baby units where severe postnatal illness can be treated in a safe environment - I know!

She really does need to see a GP as a matter of real urgency - ask for an emergency appointment and don't take no for an answer from dragon-like receptionists. Say how worried you are about her mental state, she will get seen.

Sadly, you can't make her go, but hopefully she will.

TheProfiteroleThief · 17/05/2009 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janos · 18/05/2009 09:19

Just checking in ss, how is your sister doing and how are you? Remember to take care of yourself as well.

QuintessentialShadows · 18/05/2009 09:31

Having read this thread, I think you, supportivesister need to take charge and phone your sisters gp. If she is hesitant to seek medical care, somebody else need to step up and do so on her behalf. Your mum wont do it, and you dont know what your sister will do. I think you should phone her gp and tell him/her what you have said on this thread.

Your sister is very ill, she is not thinking straight. She is probably building a brick wall around her emotions right now, to protect herself. You need her to be seen by a medical professional, fast.

Janos · 18/05/2009 09:47

You could also try calling NHS 24 and asking for advice - they were very helpful to me when I was bad with PND.