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Original poster

teenage dd told me she's pregnant

48 replies

temporaryinsanity · 14/05/2009 12:53

Have name changed, not because I am ashamed of her, but because she hasn't decided what to do yet, so I don't ever want anyone to recognise me, and so her, in the future from this.
My 17 yr old dd told me yesterday that she is pregnant. Early days still. BF supportive, but confused. Understandably. We had a long talk yesterday and again this morning before she left for work.
She doesn't know what she is going to do yet. I have told her we will support her whatever.
But, oh my god, my head is in a spin today.

OP posts:
harleyd · 14/05/2009 12:54

well, its not the worst thing in the world
its good you are supportive

LuckySalem · 14/05/2009 12:54

Sounds like you are taking this quite well actually.

I'm afraid I dont really know what to suggest other than she really has to come to her own decision.

claricebeansmum · 14/05/2009 12:55

so young.

Don't know what to say. You sound as though you are being really supportive already - that's what she is going to need.

Overmydeadbody · 14/05/2009 12:55

Oh Gosh. What a lot to have so suddenly absorb and deal with.

How do you feel? What's your gut instinct on what she should do?

Original poster
temporaryinsanity · 14/05/2009 12:58

My gut instinct is that she should terminate, although I wouldn't tell her that. I don't think she is anythink like ready for parenthood, and even she says that this isn't what she would have wanted.
But she said that she is getting stomach ache (reassured her this is normal for the early stages), and she said that it had made her think she might miscarry and that she would be 'gutted'.

OP posts:
Ewe · 14/05/2009 12:58

It's great that she has involved you in the process. My little sister got pregnant last year at almost sixteen and has a supportive boyfriend, she still chose to have a termination and it was definitely the right decision but it was a really tough time for everyone involved.

Have a gin and tonic cup of tea and try to stay as calm and supportive as you sound.

How do you actually feel about it? What I found Mumsnet great for was talking about how I felt as in real life it was obviously not really relevant to anyone but I was incredibly upset that she was in the situation full stop. I didn't even want her to ever have to make this decision, I wanted to take all of the pain, upset and confusion away.

ThePellyandMe · 14/05/2009 12:59

It sounds like you are handling it really well. I guess just being there for her while she absobs the information and thinks about her options must mean the world to her.

Gorionine · 14/05/2009 13:00

She is fortunate to have a mother that cares enough to stand by her whatever she choses to do.
Like harleyd, I think there are worst things in the world than having a baby.

If it is really early days, that should give you a bit of time ( all of you!) to get arround the idea and make an informed decision rather that a rash one.

I sincerly have no idea how I would react if it was my Dd. I'd like to think I would be as good as you.

ThePellyandMe · 14/05/2009 13:00

absorbs

Original poster
temporaryinsanity · 14/05/2009 13:01

Ewe, I don't really know how I feel about it. I suppose up to now, I have felt that my feelings aren't relevant in comparison to her decision making at this time.
But sitting here at the moment on my own, with a crashing headache, I just want to sob.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 14/05/2009 13:02

You poor thing. I guess this isn't what you had in mind for your DD at this age.

It sounds like you're doing all you can. If other threads are anything to go by, I'd say be as non-partisan as you possibly can.

If she makes a decision now based upon advice from others, she might later see this as pressure, and think she wasn't allowed to make her own decision.

Would take the patience of a saint though - I know I'd be dying to make my feelings only too plain.

You're not alone, this happens to so many families, and one way or another they get through it. It's a good sign that she has told you so soon - she must trust you very much.

Ewe · 14/05/2009 13:05

Awww, bless you. Big hug!

If it is any comfort my Mum did sob, loads, never in front of my DSis but she came over to mine and had a bit of a breakdown. You will of course feel many different things about this and don't feel you should totally hide them, not healthy, just put them out there in the right way (here, with your DH/P). My Mum felt incredibly upset, disappointed, angry - all the things she didn't want to feel about it!

Has she thought about seeing a counsellor at Marie Stopes/Brook/FPA etc?

TitsalinaBumsquash · 14/05/2009 13:07

What a great mum you are for being so calm and collected. Well done.

I would think the best thing you can do is what you already are doing and to not be on one side or the other, help her wiegh up her options and then help her proceed what ever she decides.

LovingTheRain · 14/05/2009 13:13

Not sure if this is of any help at all but i'll say it anyway!

My baby sister had her DS when she was 18 and due to go to uni. She didn't think she was ready and was worried she had thrown her life away but three years down the line she is very glad she's got him and is now at uni (In her second year). So if she does decide to have the baby, she'll still be able to do all she wants to do (maybe just a little later than expected )

Hope things work out okay for you and your DD whatever she decides to do.

Original poster
temporaryinsanity · 14/05/2009 13:14

Thank you for your support all.
I suppose one of my big fears is that her b/f family, who they intend to tell tonight, will think it is great. His brother and g/f had a baby recently (the g/f is 18) and they have told my dd how easy it is, and how much money she will get in benefits.
My dd is on a 3 month trial at work (apprenticeship) at the moment, so it is unlikely that they would keep her on.

OP posts:
motherlovebone · 14/05/2009 13:15

sounds like sh has already made up her mind, if she is gutted at the thought of miscarriage.
is it a serious relationship?

ZZZen · 14/05/2009 13:16

She is young to be making this decision on her own really, isn't she? Did she have plans to do any studying/training if she had not now become pregnant?

What were her immediate plans and what about the relationship to her boyfriend? Is it very established or quite recent? Do you see them making a go of it together as parents? Do you think you and the boys' parents could effectively set them up and help them through the early years?

I don't know what the answer is really, very difficult for you. I am not sure what I would do in your shoes, dd is still only 8 but I think you are doing great, maybe I would try and talk through the alternatives, what happens when she keeps the baby; if she were not to do so, how you as a family would support her through it.

Original poster
temporaryinsanity · 14/05/2009 13:17

Fairly serious, been together about 18 months, but with a few ups and downs.

OP posts:
ZZZen · 14/05/2009 13:17

sorry I didn't see your last post temporaryinsantiy whilst I was writing mine.

DrunkenDaisy · 14/05/2009 13:18

God you sound like a brilliant mum.

I got preggers straight after finishing Uni and my parents were so utterly horrible to me about it that I still can't quite forgive them. Reading your posts even makes me feel a bit teary.

It all worked out well for me in the end though. I now have a beautiful 12 yr old DD, a fantastic job and the loveliest DH in the world.

Good luck.

Zebraa · 14/05/2009 13:21

My cousin (21) came to me just before Christmas and told me she was pregnant. Her boyfriend was nice but she didn't want him to know, or her Mum. I was heavily pergnant at the time too so it was a very hard time for us both.

What I found VITAL is that I remained supportive and didn't give an opinion. By all means talk through both options and encourage her to speak to a counsellor soon but it has to be her decicion, she has to be the one to come to the conclusion, through her own thoughts and decisions. It will be incredibly hard for you, but just be super strong for her and a really strong support - she'll need it either way.

Hope you're both OK.

Original poster
temporaryinsanity · 14/05/2009 13:22

ZZZen - her training is likely to finish if she goes ahead with the pregnancy, which she will be upset about, but she thinks she will be able to pick it up somewhere else afterwards. I have told her it might not be as easy as that.
The b/f and her are close, they see each other daily. But I worry that they are a little over possessive with each other, it has caused big rows between them in the past. I have talked to her about how she might feel if/when he goes out with his friends when she is very pregnant, or post natal with a new baby. She is under the illusion that he won't go out, or if he does, that she will be ok with it.
As far as financial support from us and his parents. We could offer, and would offer, financial support, but I don't think his parents are in a position to do this.

OP posts:
Zebraa · 14/05/2009 13:25

The one piece of advice the counsellor gave her was ''Whatever you decide now, you have to be able to turn around in 6 months, 6 years, 10 years time and say that you made the right decision for yourself at that time in your life''

laurielou · 14/05/2009 13:33

I just wanted to add what a fantastic mum you sound!

I also wanted to tell you about my friend - found out she was 5 months pregnant at 18 years of age (although I've always suspected she knew and it was a huge case of denial). She had already finished with the baby's father. Parents obviously not overjoyed but incredibly supportive. She went on to have a little boy.

Fast forward 18 years "little boy" is now sitting his A levels with plans for uni. Friend went on to marry someone else & have 2 more children (with a 12 year age gap). Step-dad couldn't be more proud of 18 year old if he was his own son.

18 year old still in contact with his real dad, who also went on to marry someone else and have 2 children. Considering they were all teenagers at the time it has been incredibly civilised & grown up.

Although friend still says if her son came home now saying his g/f was pregnant she'd kill him, she realises & is living proof that it is in no way the end of the world.

Good luck to you & your daughter whatever choice she makes. You are both already very lucky to have such a wonderful relationship that you can talk.

ZZZen · 14/05/2009 13:37

wondering if seeing the bf's SIL have her baby and the positive reaction of his family to that somehow influenced your dd to want to become pregnant

Not that it makes much difference now. I think a good counsellor might be the best option right now. I'm not sure where to look for one though. Does your dh know and if so, how is he taking it?

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