teenage dd told me she's pregnant

[temporaryinsanity]

Have name changed, not because I am ashamed of her, but because she hasn't decided what to do yet, so I don't ever want anyone to recognise me, and so her, in the future from this.
My 17 yr old dd told me yesterday that she is pregnant. Early days still. BF supportive, but confused. Understandably. We had a long talk yesterday and again this morning before she left for work.
She doesn't know what she is going to do yet. I have told her we will support her whatever.
But, oh my god, my head is in a spin today.

You do sound like a lovely supportive mum. I got pg in my 20's and my mum told me if i kept it I would have absolutely no support from her at any point .

My neighbour's 19 year old daughter got pregnant last year and decided to terminate. Her mother was just awful about it, and I haven't seen her in quite the same way since. She was just livid and wouldn't talk to her . It wasn't my business at all, but I tried to make her see it was her decision and was probably for the best, but it didn't make a difference (didn't think it would but it broke my heart to see her being so unsupportive!). She thought she should have had the baby and given it up for adoption. Apparently she did this several times when she was younger and literally couldn't see why her dd couldn't do the same .

I think you're being exactly how your dd needs you to be - supportive and non-judgemental. Of course, this isn't what you wanted for her, and whatever her decision, hard times are ahead, but stay strong and you'll all get through it

I know a family just like laurielou's story. Important for you to decide how involved you could be in the baby's care (practical not just financial), as that might make a big difference to her future options.

I was pg at 16, my mum said I'm not suprised, dd will be 10 this year, I don't regret it at all, yes there were hard times and I could have done with being a bit older but our life isn't a bad life, it's not the end of the world by far.

Sounds very difficult for you all. Just wanted to add a few possibly practical things...

You said your DD's apprenticeship/job plans would have to be put on hold as they wouldn't keep her on if she was pregnant. I wouldn't worry unduly about that - if they fired her for being pregnant then they'd be facing a sex discrimination suit which your daughter would no doubt win.

If she chooses to go ahead with the preganancy she wouldn't need to tell her employer about it yet.

Also, I got pregnant at 18, had DD at 19 and things have worked out fabulously! I had to grow up quickly but having DD was the best thing I ever did. I went to university with her, did an MSc after and am now a trainee lawyer, so things can work out well.

I feel for you both very much - whatever will happen will test the both of you.

I have been thinking how to answer this - I had dd when I was 17. Now I certainly don't regret it - how can I with my dd - however it is emphatically not something I would recommend to anyone. It was incredibly hard, life was enormously difficult for years. It is never, ever ideal to be a teenage mother.

My dd is now 13, and to be honest I have been very straight with her and said that, although I had her at a young age I would certainly not ever want her to do the same thing. It is difficult not to sound like a hypocrite, however I had a very fractured upbringing, and at the time I was pregnant I was not in touch with any family members. Typical combination of unhappy girl wanting to create her own 'perfect' family and being far, far to stupid to recognise that to have a baby so young would be so difficult and limiting. My dd has not had that fractured upbringing and I would like to thing that I have bought her up to have ambitions that extend far beyond the very limited teenage mum horizon. I hope so anyway.

In my discussions with dd I have said that when she starts sleeping with her boyfriends I would like her to have a very low risk contraception as well as use condoms (I know of some young girls who have the pill injection and contraceptive implants). I have also said that the best thing if she got pregnant accidentally would be to have an abortion. I certainly don't think it is morally wrong and we have had loads of discussions about it.

It is very difficult because of course I don't ever want her to make the assumption that I regret having her. Hopefully we are close enough for her to realise that I have the experience of being a teenage mum, I know the pitfalls, and I desperately want dd to spend her teens and twenties travelling the world or pissing about with no worries in the world, not to have the responsibility and stigma of being a teenage mother.

Sorry OP to ramble on - all you can do is support, but I don't think there is any harm in saying to dd how bloody hard her life would be if she had it. She may be all hearts and flowers about having a perfect family unit with her boyfriend, I think the best thing you can do for her is to reinforce that life will not be rosy.

OP - Blimey that last paragraph of mine sounded a bit harsh, sorry, didn't mean that. I hope you're ok, you must feel shellshocked.

I don't think so getorf, I think you're brave to admit it.

Getorfmoiland - thank you for sharing that. I have told her how difficult it will be, and have tried to explore with her how she sees the future. We have talked about life in 2,5 10 years time, depending on the decision she makes now.

She always says that she wants a relationship/marriage like mine and her dads. She used to say to me that she didn't know many people at school with parents that were still together. So, she has an idealised version of 'family life' which she realises is not what it will be like if she has this baby.

But like many teenagers, she can be quite judgemental, and has felt that termination should be reserved for extreme cases. So, I don't think that until last night it was something she had really seriously considered.

She tells me that she knows people will judge her, and that she can't stand the thought of that.

My DH doesn't know yet, he works away in the week, and I don't want to tell him until he is home at the weekend. I think he needs time to digest this at home, before being back at work on Monday. I also don't want to think of him driving on the motorway feeling as shocked as I do today. He will be upset, not sure if he will be angry, I don't think he will be, but time will tell

It is really good to hear other people's opinions. I work with many teenage mums, and so this inevitably influences my thinking, and maybe not always in a good way.

God you sound great and really calm.I remember when I was very young in Ireland about 12 2 of my cousins (sisters) both got pregant within a year of each other.they were both 17 too and the whole family wwere up in arms ranting and shouting etc about ruined lives etc.In fact both stayed with the partners had more kids who are all grown up now and have all been to uni and have great lives etc so it is not always like it is portrayed in the press and tv.i remember at the time thinking why is everyone going nuts it is lovely.I knew nothing them obviously but in many ways I admire your daughter for this and you for being so supportive and non judgemental.good luck with it all xx

Direct your DD to this website, it's neither pro-choice or pro-life, but is a very thorough workbook for helping deciding whether or not to continue with a preganacy. A choice to live with workbook

Thanks dizietsma, I'll show her the website.

Hope you're OK this morning - i can't imagine that you had a very good night's sleep. Hope all goes well when you tell your DP later today.

Thank you Getorf, no not the best nights sleep ever.
But feeling slightly less shocked today.

you sound like a brilliant mum. It's all up to your DD now.. but whatever happens .. you sound fab!

My mum was brilliant too (I was 19) and looking back on it.. honestly I could just hug her for the way she reacted, didn't judge, didn't try and swing me one way or the other. she was just there.

I was very immature.. I had ds1 and grew up soooo fast, all was fine, finished uni and had a part time job, then went on to full time work ( ie she doesn't need to totally end her work or education) etc .. I coped no problem.. blooming hard work mind, and I missed out on a lot of social things, and clothes money and newer cars, but none of that really mattered.

I think you sound lovely and very supportive. I was a lot older than your dd when faced with an unplanned pregnancy and while my partner was very unsupportive and threatened to leave me if I didn't terminate- my parents were great and I will never forget their kindness.
Ok- it will be tough if she has the baby but not the end of the world. She will probably have some regrets no matter what decision she makes. Mabe sit her down and go through the pros and cons of each decision with her. If she thinks that abortion should only be for extreme cases she would be distraught if she had one. You need to prepare for that.
I have the same beliefs as your dd, I couldn't do it and there have been times when I though I couldn't cope but thanks to my parents my sanity remains in tact.
hugs.

Oh yes- my auntie did her degree AFTER having her two girls. Her life was far from ruined. At least if your daughter does go to uni she will have to do it sensibly- she won't be able to chuck her loan away on booze. Could be a good or bad thing depending on how she sees it.

How is it going insanity? Has your DD come to a decision as yet?

Well, DH is ok, just worried about her. I was glad to tell him and felt much calmer once I had.
DD hasn't yet made a decision, but is ok and is thinking really hard about it. She has been really upset at times, but really is coping very well.

Just wondering how you and your family are, hoping things are going well for you and dd, whatever decision was made.

Same as ZZzz - hope you're all ok.

Have just found and read this thread and wanted to say you are a great mum! I was pg at 15 and parents forced me to have termination (at the time it didn't even occur to me that I had any choice) I have never truly forgiven my parents especially as I went on to marry my bf 12 years later and we have now been together 18 years (since we were 14) and have 2 children. I always wonder about what if and what would have happened if I had had the support from home, would we still be together now? Hope you and your family are ok and that your dd has made a whatever choice she feels is right ((hugs))

I have only just come across this thread and I too wanted to say what a wonderful mum you are.
I was in the same situation as you a few weeks ago, only my daughter was younger than yours.It sounds as though you are doing everything right with your daughter listening to her,and explaing all options available to her.
All you can do know is just keep reassuring her that whatever choice she makes is fine by you and her dad and you will be there to support her no matter what.