All those who have cut out toxic parents from your life

[BettySwollux]

Have you ever regretted it?
Are they still alive, and if not, how did you feel when they died?

I ask because I think I have to do this with my mother.
We have never really got on, I put my name on the council housing list on my 16th birthday, as I couldnt wait to get away, and was offered a flat at 19.
She has put me down all my life with negative comments (you never see anything through, you'll never have anything unless someone gives it to you on a plate, etc. Morning of my wedding, I asked if she was looking forward to it (am only DD) she said she wished it was over, and we hadnt even got in the car to go.)

Yesterday she sent me an email saying various things, and ending with "Betty, I have had 3 children, and loved you all equally, but for various reasons, I do not like any of you".

I feel so hurt. One of my brothers died last January, but hadnt spoke to her for around 15 years, my other brother only speaks to her very occasionally, and cant be bothered with her.
She upsets me all the time being so negative, rarely says anything nice or positive, and I have had enough after this email.
But, I worry I may regret this when she dies.

Please help.

GetOrfMoiLand - I too was raised by my grandmother. She too is toxic and we have a very difficult relationship. Her daughter (my birth mother) is sadly dead now. I believe that my grandmother manipulated me into calling her 'mum' for her own dysfunctional reasons. That this made my birth mother's mental illness worse. It too has caused problems in the family. I am only just beginning to communicate openly with my Aunt after years of being fed poison about her from my gran and her abusive second husband.

I wish I had the guts to cut her out. I will be relieved when she does die to be honest

Roseability - I too had to call my gran mum, and also call my aunties and uncles my brothers and sisters. My mum was 17 when I was born, she didn't tell anyone she was pregnant (too frightened) and the first anyone knew about it was when she went into labour. I was born, my gran took over, insisted that she was going to raise me as her own because my mum wouldn't be able to cope. I went home to my gran's house, shared a room with my uncle and aunt as a newborn, whilst my poor devastated mum had to sleep in the spare room. Apparently she wasn't allowed to hold me or anything. All of this was fully supported by social services, health visitors, doctors etc as being 'best' for all involved.

Unsurprisngly my mother buggered off. She was very rarely allowed to see me, I can remember 5 occasions during my childhood when I saw my mother. I was not allowed to call her mum, I had to go along with the illusion she was my sister. She still lived in the (very small) town and used to see me in the street, where I was instructed to walk past her without speaking or even looking in her direction. But my mother never moved away as she wanted to watch me grow up, albeit from afar. She came out as a lesbian when I was about 5, had a partner and gave birth to my brother - I first met my brother when I was 16.

When I was 16 I left my gran's house. I am 31 now and never spoke to her again, as I said she died a couple of months ago. I simply had to get out of there. I chucked school, got a crappy job as a waitress in a hotel and moved into staff digs. Six months or so later got in contact with my mum. It took years for our relationship to get on an even keel (oddly enough me and my brother have always had a perfect relationship). Me amd mum were up and down for years, several times being on non-speakers. Thankfully everything is OK now but Christ the unhappiness caused. And as I said in my earlier post the absolute misery in the family, half of the family werent speaking to the other half. God knows if it will work out.

Roseability - I have never met another person who had to call thier gran mum. It is so warped. It is like something out of a Catherine Cookson novel. It took me bloody ages to get used to calling my mum 'mum'. Sorry that your mum has died, were you reconciled in the end?

I really identify with the analogy of a "cancer" in the family.

My mother is toxic and has managed to manipulate others through her behaviour for years.

One of her brothers speaks to her, the other doesn't. She has turned the whole family against me - I'm in touch with NOBODY from by family.

I have no idea what she gains from this - she seemignly can;t help herself.

I also will be relieved when she's gone.

Okay so now you have me feeling weepy I have been on a thread like this before, (holyGaucomole you were there too!)

In brief I haven't spoke to my father since the day after dd2 was born (2.7 years), my other 2dcs were 5 &3

I will be honest although it was the best decision for me it still feels raw every day, but I think that this is due to the fact that I still speak to my mother and her inability to listen and understand how I'm hurting, she now comes to visit once a week for maybe an hour at the most because she feels guilty, (it feels like she is here just so the dcs won't forget)

She is not allowed to babysit for me, and I won't allow my dcs to their house,
If I'm sick she says things like you know I would help you if things were different and its like a dagger through my heart

I ask her not to talk about him infront of the dcs and she does!

NOW he is sick, waiting on an appointment for a biopsy and now I feel like I'm seen as this awful person who dosen't care, but I do,
It hurts even more that there is the possiblity that he could be really sick and he dosen't want to clear things up with me

Mogwai mydcs don't know why I do not speak to my father but they know that he has hurt me and will not apologise
even my ds 5 asked why dosen't nannie make granda say sorry

Everyone with a difficult mother might get a lot from Victoria Secunda's book 'When you and your Mother can't be friends', which I read at the beginning of the year after the Christmas from hell.
It's a very good read, really useful, and quite sobering in places. Bits of it were so like my life that it had me in tears. I recommend it all over the place.

I've just cut contact with my mother and to make sure I don't have to read any poisonous emails I've rerouted all mail from her and her partner's email addresses straight to my spam file, which I empty without reading at every day. She may have written to me, she may not. I'm happier not knowing.

I'm in a kind of limbo now. I suppose I'm waiting for signs that she's been sympathy-sucking behind my back, telling my grandma and brother and sister how cruel I am. I'd mind very much if she managed to cut me off from other family members. I'm choosing not to discuss it with anyone, and certainly not to say anything behind her back. If people can't or won't see through her for themselves I shouldn't think I could influence tham ... and anyway, I just don't want to talk about her.

She's a vampire, a martyr to a martyr, a vicious passive-aggressive - a real stinker. And I don't want to see her ever again.

But what about my Grandma's funeral, when that sad day comes? My grandma is 88 and she won't last forever. I dread finding out that she died and no-one told me and I've already missed the funeral. But would I really want to go knowing my mother was there?

I get quite confused and upset tbh, thinking about it.

I've taken the step now and I'm still waiting for the repercussions.

Redcharitybonney, I have this about my grandmother aswell although my father dosen't speak to her and I do, but dread the day something happens to her

I had a family wedding and my father walked out of the reception when he realised I was there
now I have a big family party tomorrow night my mother is raging I won't go, because he'll not walk out this time, how does she know? because it means he'll leave her stranded!
I don't have the confidence to go, as my mothers sisters will be there and they have all made it clear they think I should just let it go for the sake of her

So you're not going? Or you're undecided? Perhaps your mum could gt a taxi home? Good luck whatever you decide - it's a tough one.

I'd be afraid of going to my Grandma's funeral because of what my mother and her partner might say to me. I'd have to practice non-committal phrases beforehand. I wonder if dead people care whether you go to their funeral or not? But if I didn't go, it would be evidence of how uncaring I am, of course.

Getorfmoiland - I did have contact with my mother, but not enough. My gran decided to move 200 miles away from her when I was 8 and I think that is when I stopped calling my birth mother 'mum'. I remember before that it was quite confusing for me as I would call both my gran and my mother 'mum'.

However once we moved there was little contact. I don't know how my gran could do that. She knew my birth mother was incapable of travelling long distances. I absolutely agree that it is warped.

Also in my case this was all supported by social services. It saddens me deeply to hear that your gran was even more extreme in her manipulation and desire for you not to have a relationship with your mother. I am so glad you have managed to have a relationship with your mother now.

No don't think I'm going to go, we have had the first sunny day here in weeks and tomorrow is suppossed to be better so might do something nice with dh & dcs,
instead of feeling physically sick in the presence of my mum and dad,

I don't think you should let your mother stop you from going to the funeral whenever it happens, I certainly won't let my father stop me, but I'm not sure about my dcs though

I personally would not attend any family gatherings. I am often asked what I would do if x,y or z died but seeing as they have chosen to listen to what she says (she's convinced them I'm awful - abusers do that), I don't think I've anything left to add to that family.

(Saves me loads of money at Christmas ).

However, if I was still in touch with one of them (for example, if my nan was alive), I'm not sure what I'd do but my gut feeling is that I still wouldn't attend. I loved my nan and she knew that and I would feel that I could say goodbye in some other way that would be meaningful without needing to put myself through the trauma of seeing my family.

I've never actually visited my nan's grave (she died 13 years ago) because I find it too upsetting, but I think of her often and light a candle on her birthday and I think she would approve of that just as much as standing at her grave. Same applies to funerals.

Sorry, I didnt realise this thread was still going.Some very sad stories .

So, to update, we still arent speaking, and I think I have convinced DH that I shouldnt feel obligated to be in contact with her when she makes me feel like shit.

I was out shopping last week and she rang my mobile, I rejected the call twice as it's still very raw, and I have cried a lot.
She rang DH who had left his phone in the car, so not answered, then she rang DS1 and asked why I wasnt answering, he told her he didnt know.

So, I check my emails and she said she was ringing as she wanted to take DS2 out for the day.
I replied saying I hadnt answered as it was very painful, and I didnt trust myself to speak in public without breaking down again, that I was in a deep state of depression and finding things very hard. I told her she could take DS2 out anytime, but would appreciate more notice.

She never replied, so I checked her mail account, (we unfortunately have a business interest together, so I have passwords etc) she had got my email, and forwarded it to her sister saying 'look what I got today, I'm not replying!'

Nice eh?

She picked DS2 up an hour ago, and things were cool to say the least.
It has confirmed my decision to have as little to do with her as possible.

I would have done anything to have met my mum. She died over ten years ago but would have loved to have just met her once. I have been lucky though - I grew up in a really supportive adoptive family environment which I will always be grateful for.

These stories sound so sad

I just can't understand why some mothers act like this. Do you think it could be jealousy?

My mother's dreadfully immature and selfish. Also manipulative. Awful woman. She messes with people's heads. My sister thinks she needs rescuing, and their relationship is very warped - as if my sister were the mum and mum were a helpless child. But in fact my mother does exactly what she wants to do at all times.

mogwai, I think my Grandma would understand too, but part of me would still want to be there - I guess if not for her then for me, though I don't think it's very sensible, or very useful really. I do dread aggro....

Betty, she does sound difficult

knockedgymnast,
I think there is an element of envy, but that is just one small part of it.