All those who have cut out toxic parents from your life

[BettySwollux]

Have you ever regretted it?
Are they still alive, and if not, how did you feel when they died?

I ask because I think I have to do this with my mother.
We have never really got on, I put my name on the council housing list on my 16th birthday, as I couldnt wait to get away, and was offered a flat at 19.
She has put me down all my life with negative comments (you never see anything through, you'll never have anything unless someone gives it to you on a plate, etc. Morning of my wedding, I asked if she was looking forward to it (am only DD) she said she wished it was over, and we hadnt even got in the car to go.)

Yesterday she sent me an email saying various things, and ending with "Betty, I have had 3 children, and loved you all equally, but for various reasons, I do not like any of you".

I feel so hurt. One of my brothers died last January, but hadnt spoke to her for around 15 years, my other brother only speaks to her very occasionally, and cant be bothered with her.
She upsets me all the time being so negative, rarely says anything nice or positive, and I have had enough after this email.
But, I worry I may regret this when she dies.

Please help.

Betty, for reasons I won't go into in detail on a public forum I haven't seen or spoken to either of my parents for 25 years. I don't miss them and I have no regrets.

MM

hi again! good to see so many posts, good to know other people have made the same step. as someone mentioned before it's only hard to explain when people ask about your parents.
when i have to mention my mum has passed away i'm always quick to fan away any sympathy as i feel such a fraud and then of course i can't say 'oh no don't be sad it was such a relief she was an f-ing nightmare' what kind of monster would i seem??

mowglai- i don't know how to CAT but you asked about explaining to DS. well it helped that they were not very good grandparents anyway! my mum lived quite far away so we didn't see her so often, ds wasn't at all attached to her and only sad for me when she died a couple of years later. i never talked about her or my dad negatively around ds.
my dad lived closer and ds was used to seeing his grandad quite regularly, i would just tell ds when he asked that grandad was busy or we were busy and yes one of the days we would go and visit but we just never did. and then we moved abroad after a year or so, as ds got older he asked more questions about why we didn't keep in touch with grandad and i admitted we had had an argument and not made up. it's only very recently ds is nearly 17 that i've talked to him a little more about why i removed my parents from our lives and luckily ds recognises i was protecting him from all kinds of crap he could never imagine and appreciates me doing it.

Betty
My story is the same as Mamamilla's, except my mother hasnt died.
I thought I would really miss her as I used to put such an effort into maintaining the relationship, putting up with her digs and awful treatment of me, for my DCs to have contact with their nan and grandad. I spent all my effort trying to understand what caused her to be so abusive to me and my sister as a child, and how stressed she must have been to do it. Then she started on my DC and that was it for me. I cut ties and walked away.

I thought I would be sad, and I was for about a year, grieving for the mother and father I wanted but didnt have. But my biggest emotion was relief. I still feel it now.

I think your situation is different. Your mother was crying and saying she loved you to your DH. If there is a genuine apology then that's hopeful.

If my mother and father at any point, accepted that whatever the reason we (the DC and I) were getting hurt by their behaviour and there was any sort of apology or tears or show that they cared about us rather than themselves first and foremost, that would be a different story. Instead I had parents who behaved incredibly viciously when I said they couldnt come down and visit us to stay anymore, and that we would visit them. You would not believe the behaviours my sister and I have been subjected to since. It only made me more sure that I was doing the right thing.

Look for the show of love and caring. If it isnt there, then it isnt there and you are losing nothing. I suspect it is there, given her tears.

This is interesting, as am finding myself in a situation where I will be seriously reducing my contact with my father, if not cutting it altogether.

I am very sad that he isn't different, but he isn't, and that's the hardest thing. I think if we cut him out entirely we'd hardly notice anyway, and I don't think he'd care, apart from the fact that it might make him lose face.

Will read thread properly...

Whereismumhiding - I think I got it wrong about why she was crying, it was DH that said "she loves you" not her (I grilled poor DH for ages after I came off here last night) she was crying because I dont put myself out for her and I dont respect her.
She was crying cos she was angry.

Not upset enough to contact me and apologise though.
She is becoming more selfish with age, and more negative (always picks out the bad things, never comments on anything good).
She has put me down all of my life, and I'm sick of feeling like crap when she starts.
I have low self esteem anyway, and as soon as I perk myself up, she can destroy that with one sentence.

I started a group for women with self esteem issues a few weeks back, and when I told her about it, she scoffed at me ' whats that gonna do for you.'

Hi Betty

I have no contact with my dad because every time I spoke to him, I came away feeling like I'd swallowed bleach - no lie - he would try to instil shame and make demeaning comments as a matter of course. The last straw was he made obscene comments about a close relative of mine at a family occasion. I held him to account and he would not even acknowledge what he had done.

Before I wrote the goodbye letter, several people including DH suggested that I get some therapy. Since I posted it, I have realised that I do not need therapy as I feel tons better simply from standing up for myself and keeping away from individuals who behave maliciously.

You will feel better too. Not everyone understands the need for no contact but you don't need to defend your decision to others if you think it is right.

this is a namechange,soz.i have done it to mum,dad and sister,i can see my parents home from my garden i have lived in my area all my life,so have elderly neighbours who watched me grow up,my dad is cringeworthy and notorious for his seedy womanising.i know when he dies there will be multiple siblings we dont know about,think i have met two boys that were born in the middle of one of his long standing affairs,my mum has really never been a mum i think she has love for one,and thats my dad. my sister will be a carbon copy of my dad,she has teenage son who sadly is a question mark kid,hes brought up by his dad who may not be his dad,she took great pleasure in letting me know 4years into my first marriage shed had a bit of a thing with my husband,now ex.i dont know why but i think i just want to be wanted so find it extremely hard when i have to walk or drive past my mum,my dad i just feel sick and really despise him same with my sister,i really do worry how i will feel when my mum dies,although i know she cant possibly love me as it was her who just turned away and just stopped seeing me and my children as though we are dead,she expected me to fall into line and accept their ways or the highway and i didnt do it

Thanks everyone. Saggyjuju, that's so sad.

do whats best for you betty, like i said, surround yourself with people you love and like, it will do wonders for your self esteem.
lifes too short to bother with those that constantly put you down,trust me.
i am a different person without my mum, i swear she can start an arguement in an empty room

Ahhh Betty
Your DH was trying to soften it for you. What does he think of her?

It is a relief when you finally admit to yourself that you dont like someone and dont want to see them again, if they are that toxic. Only you know if the good outweighs the bad and whether there are any mitigating factors, or things that might change.
Forget about your ideas of what a mother should be. People have lots of different types of mothers and they get by. What you need to ask yourself is- do you like her? Does she add to your life? Does she hurt you regularly and not care about your feelings? Do you trust her?

We can't tell you if it is the right or wrong thing, but once you know (believe me I tried for over 20 years, and the last 7 were bl**dy difficult)- if you do decide to cut ties- then you wont look back. It's like the weight lifted immediately off my shoulders. I felt free and finally able to be me, without someone constantly undermining and controlling me. I didnt lose a mother, I gained peace of mind and some safety for my DC and me.

Betty if you are unsure about what to do, why dont you just reduce contact quite a bit. Then see how you feel. It doesnt have to be an all or nothing.

The weight is definitely lifted but I know I face a lifetime of trying to explain my actions.

The fact is, I dislike my mother intensely. She's an attention-seeking, manipulative and selfish individual and I was unfortunate to have had her as my "mother".

It has taken me years to admit this openly, though I remember admitting it on the eve of my wedding six years ago to a group of girlfriends and felt quite taken aback and scared (I suppose) by the vitriol I was holding back.

I've been heartened by the response of people who have known me for 20 years or so. They have unfailingly supported me and told me they think I've tried hard enough and it's time to stop.

Good friends are worth ten times what crap parents are worth.

Having kids really brings it all out...even when you think you've dealt with all these things and found some sort of peace. My parents aren't that extreme, so I'm constantly juggling these feelings, but can't actually cut them out of my life...would be easier in a way if it was that simple. I don't think you have to make a decision that will last until she dies, just do what you need to do now...obviously she makes you feel awful so don't see her for as long as it takes until you want to again. That's what I do...but it's hard always questioning if you're doing the right thing, being mean...but then every time I make the effort she puts me down...someone said it's a bit like looking in an empty cupboard over and over again, hoping there will be some love and affection there, but always empty!
I do wonder as a mum what my kids will think of me...is so hard. IS my life's mission to not repeat my parents...but maybe I will be too overbearing with my kids trying to show them how much I do love them.

Whereismumhiding. the answer to all of those questions is sadly, no.

8oreighty, I cried reading your post, as the situation seems so similar.

I hadnt actually considered that there was another option apart from all or nothing.
She does make me feel awful, and it is like looking in an empty cupboard (fab analogy).
So I have decided to severly limit contact and see how it goes.

I havnt has regular contact with her for a couple of months, and none for the last two weeks, and I feel torn between feeling better for it and feeling guilty as she has no one else.

I loved the cupboard analogy too. Perfect.

Been thinking about this a lot, as managed to avoid seeing my mum all weekend, and felt pretty guilty about it. But then again, had a nice and relaxing weekend. It is an impossible situation. I will keep seeing her occasionally, just have to be on guard, and not let her get to me. It's really interesting if you look into transactional analysis, in psychology, it breaks down one's state of mind into changing between adult/child/parent...all gets complicated but basically the relationship between children and parents (obviously) so crucial to forming your sense of self. And interesting to me because my my is always "in child" forcing me to be "in parent" (sounds wanky psychobabble but is interesting)which I hate...I hate not being looked after and being made to feel boring, sensible, etc...while she can do whatever she wants, Betty your mum sounds similar. Crying etc...anyway, interesting to think about as a way of dealing with feelings...

8oreighty, have you heard of the book 'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward?
It is supposed to be excellent, and have seen it recomended on MN a few times. I'm gonna invest in a copy, and see if it helps.

Sorry you're crying, have a unMNlike virtual hug . God, parents can be bastards, cant they?

thanks...will check out that book. God didn't mean I was crying, meant your mum crying sounds like she was acting childish...but thanks for hug! I am actually feeling kind of ok, just need to get rid of this guilt. Interested to read that book.

I joined just to add to this post and all responses. I am 41 and in a sever depression. I know it stems from my family. Here's the thing I would like to know...most responses say that mum has always been nasty. I remember my mother as wonderfully loving when I was younger. It was when I became a young adult that it changed. I was 19 and financially dependent still (in college full-time) that I had a chemical depression and my parents were not there for me. I begged for medical help and they just said that it was too much money. My father is a doctor and just gave me an antidepressant and they would shut the door to my bedroom. A year later, my younger brother skipped school and they put him in therapy immediately. Favoritism has always been there...4 kids. One of my older sisters is a complete nut-job and has bankrupted them many times over. She rules the roost! It was always about her and my younger brother. Me and my other sister always got the shaft. A couple of yrs ago I had a baby and now that sister has gotten close with mom and she now has cut me out of her life. I feel my mom is jealous...she never bothered to help me with a new baby ( I have a joint disease and needed help desperately). I have lent her money over and over. My husband does pretty well and she seems to resent it. She seems to think that I have more than I do. I had a miscarriage a few months ago and she actually said "what do you want me to do? There is nothing I can do." When I had my baby a couple of years ago, I had to have an emergency c-section...they rushed everyone out of the room...my own DOCTOR father sat in the waiting room when I was in recovery. When asked if he wanted to come see me he said no. Everyone tells me I should get over this because he is not all there anymore. I just know if it had been one of my siblings he would have gotten out of the chair. He is in bad health now and I worry that I will never be able to handle it if he dies. I think it would be easier to accept had they been this way from the beginning. Somewhere along the way, they not only stopped loving me...but truly hate me. Sorry for the novel, I just feel so lost and broken inside.

Didn't want to leave your post unanswered. Unfortunately I don't have any great advice for you, others will. Just wanted to say am sorry you're going through this.

You might find some consolation on the Stately Homes thread in this section. Lots of friendly ladies over there might be better placed to understand what you are going through.

Thanks for the response. I have posted on that thread!

Dont have time to read all replies as need to go get ready for work but thread caught my eye as I was logging off. I no longer speak to my mum, havent spoke to her at all since I was in 1st year at uni. If at family gatherings I will say a few words - not conversational but necessary things, idealy I wouldnt have to communicate with her at all but I do say a few senctences to her once or twice a year rather than causing a scene.

Ocassionally I think what if shes dying? How will I feel? But she messed up my life so much and I am only just clawing back from the things shes done. I gave her so many chances, so many times before stopped speaking to her and started again, but each time she was the same abusive cow as always.

She has never appologised, ever. I do think she has serious issues and unless she fully addressed there and then appologised theres no way I would even consider it. I am not sure if I would even then tbh.

I worry the most about the effect this has on my dad/sisters. But I know its the best decision for me.

Oh yes I have.

Mother died a while back - raging alcholic - and my father married an American and moved to the USA.

I regret not one bit that I'd stopped talking to her before she died. I mourned for the relationship I should have had with her a long time ago and she was just somebody I vaguely knew by the time she died. From the second I cut them out of my life I wasted not one drop of energy on her and still won't.

As for my father (or the waste of skin as I think of him) I hadn't spoken to him for years until I got pregnant, I'm an adult and although he was always a fuckwit for me I'm not going to stop my son from having a relationship with his grandfather. However, if he steps over the line once there won't be a second chance, he's used them all up.

Fiercly protective Dawn

My grandmother was a poisonous and cruel woman in the main, did so many nasty things. She had 5 children, none of which spoke to her. She also raised me from birth due to various issues with my mother, who had me when she was very young. I think the last time anyone of her children had spoken to her was about 20 years ago.

She died 2 months ago. We all attended the funeral, luckily the vicar and funeral director were very undetstanding of the difficulty of the situation. My mother had to identofy the body (my gran died very suddenly). I also went with my mum to see my gran's body the day prior to the funeral when she was in the funeral parlour.

I will never forget it, my mum bent down over my gran's face and sobbed and sobbed, and said sorry. But in speaking to her afterwards my mum says she now feels so much relief, all the hatred and bitterness towards my gran has gone. She was not saying sorry to my gran for not having spoken to her (as I thought), but was just saying she was sorry that they could not have had a normal, healthy and loving relationship. Mum is so much happier and settled now, it seems. She visits the grave every week and plants flowers. But she has no regrets, she says she simply couldn't have had my gran in her life and remained sane.

The difficult rleationship with my gran seeped like a poison to the rest of the family. I for one had not spoken to my aunts and uncles for over 10 years. My mum was not speaking to her two brothers. One of the sisters was not talking to one of the brothers. You cannot underestimate the complete cancer that abuse and nastiness brings to the entire family. At the wake we all realised that it was the first time ever that we all (my mum, her 4 siblings and me, the eldest grandchild who had been raised by my gran) had all been in the same room. FWIW we are all still in touch and trying desparately to develop a happy, normal family.

I don't know what I am trying to say, really. Just I think you need to do what is best for you and your family, and if that means cutting your mother off, so be it. It doesn't have to end in regret when she dies.