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Original poster

I think my family's behaviour at my wedding might help me finally sort myself out...

27 replies

bohemianbint · 11/05/2009 13:30

Some of you are no doubt familiar with me whinging about my many family issues recently - I've found it very hard to deal with their total disrespect and lack of regard for me over the last couple of years. Anyway - (just having a rant and getting this out) at our wedding on Saturday I invited both my parents who were divorced when I was about 4 (about 28 years ago!). I always knew it would be hard (lots of bitterness, my dad and SM brought me up) but I thought they would be able to behave for one day.

So, it could have been worse. But my dad basically blanked me several times in the day and made a speech which I thought was quite horrible; rather than using it to say soemthing nice about me he used it as an occasion to stick the boot in to my mother and the whole thing left a bad taste. He then left without saying goodbye - despite the fact I went over and stood next to him to make sure I said goodbye but he was too engrossed with someone else to even acknowledge me. My SM made it clear she was having a shit time, but what really bugs me is that my half sister got hammered and her and her fiance were on the dance floor following my mother around and barging into her. Fortunately some of my friends got in the way and rescued my mother but I'm so fucking furious that she would do this. I've been really hurt by their behaviour recently but this has really helped harden me up a bit I think- they just really don't give a shit about me.

Just trying to get my head together for when I have to speak to my SM later - I don't want a fight and there's no point talking about any of it as they'll just close ranks but I really cant' deal with all their shit anymore. But I don't really like the idea of cutting them off totally, we have two children (not that they're that bothered about them) but I'm not sure what the best thing is really? Civil from a distance?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 11/05/2009 13:33

draw a line

they all sound quite pathetic and childish using your day to score points

it sounds as though you wouldn't be missing naything if you didn't see them

they aren't bothered about your children so spend time with those that truly love you and your family

congratulations BTW - hope you had lots of fun in spite of the argy barg

Original poster
bohemianbint · 11/05/2009 13:34

Sorry, bit of a stream of consciousness thing here...but if my mother had responded to my sister doing that it would no doubt have kicked off massively and ruined, far more than the day, but a lot of relationships woudl have been ruined as well as a result of her stupid selfish behaviour. I am so angry with her.

OP posts:
BlingDreaming · 11/05/2009 13:36

My word. You're calm. I know you say you need a rant but you're being remarkably controlled about this. If my family behaved like this, I'd be pretty livid.

First - congrulations! Did you have a wonderful day otherwise?!

Personally (and I don't recall specifics but have seen other threads, I know), I'd go for civil distance, yes.They don't seem to respect you and you're not going to make them change so you need to protect yourself from them now. Doesn't mean a huge family feud, just a gentle pulling away - if you expect nothing from them (and don't allow them to expect anything from you) there can be no disappointment?

FabulousBakerGirl · 11/05/2009 13:36

I get so fed up when people complain about their families as I would give anything to have one but inthis case - I think you are right to make some space between you all. I hope your day was still lovely.

Original poster
bohemianbint · 11/05/2009 13:38

Thanks ruby, and you're right. Fortunately no one really knew that there was massive issues between the two factions, so that really didn't mar the day, and fortunately my lovely friends stopped it from going any further.

I was hurt by my dad's coldness but now I just think - fuck it. I can't keep banging my head on a brick wall. I need to thank my dad and sm for paying for half of the wedding, but I don't even really want to speak to them.

OP posts:
ilovemydogandMrObama · 11/05/2009 13:38

Don't know the background, but there comes a time when you, your DP, now DH and DCs are a family yourself and that's what needs to come first.

I think polite distance. If they call, then talk about the DCs, what you did over the weekend, but keep it light.

PlumBumMum · 11/05/2009 13:38

First congratulations on your wedding

Cutting them off is hard (I haven' spoke to my father in over 2 years) but the pain that I feel at having cut him out of my life is less than the feeling of total disrespect all the time for you

I drew the line because I couldn't stand another family occassion being ruined

OrmIrian · 11/05/2009 13:38

Blimey! Poor you

28 yrs is a long time to hold a grudge against your mum.

Civil from a distance sounds best. What a bunch of bastards

sleepyeyes · 11/05/2009 13:39

WOW that an awful way to behave at your daughters wedding, it must have been so terribly hurtful.
I think if all they bring into your life is pain then get rid of them.
I personally have cut myself off from members of my family whom make me unhappy. The only people in my life are those that I choose, I don't go in for the whole blood is thicker than water crap.

Congratulations on your wedding day.

madrose · 11/05/2009 13:39

Congratulations on your wedding.

Personally - I would go civil from a distance. I wouldn't lower myself to their level.

We've had to something similar - it keeps the door open if they ever grow up, but keeps them far enough away not to bother with them and it's more dignified to remove yourself rather than cut them out completely.

How is your mum?

2rebecca · 11/05/2009 13:42

That's really sad. You gave them all a chance and they were just selfish and thoughtless. I wouldn't bother talking to your stepmother about this. Your dad is the one who should have been keeping them all in check, I would make it clear to him how hurt you were by his speech and how instead of trying to improve your day you felt him and his wife and daughter just used the day to be horrible to your mum.
I'm not a fan of completely cutting people out of your life, but I'd definitely not be having much to do with them for the next few months, and I would ask for apologies from your dad and half sister.
Hope you could still enjoy the day despite their small mindedness.

Lizzylou · 11/05/2009 13:42

Congratulations on getting married.

I would tell them that you are annoyed, they tried to ruin your wedding day, why do you want them in your lives?

Your half sister trying to barge your Mother is inexcusable, if you don't get grovelling apologies at the very least, cut them out.

It was your sister who went to a party instead of your Hen do wasn't it?

I am sorry, but if they cannot behave for your sake, then they are not worth it. It sounds like you want a happy family, but it doesn't seem to be happening.

I have distanced myself from my family over much the same behaviour, I even tried to emigrate!

Original poster
bohemianbint · 11/05/2009 13:46

Lizzy - yup, that's the one, she chose to go to her boyfriend's aunty's 50th over my hen do.

Thing is, etiquette wise, my sister for example gave us some money as a present. I obviously need to thank her, but I don't want to fucking speak to her at all. How do you get out of that?!

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 11/05/2009 13:47

Congratulations. Go and start a thread about the good things that happened on your wedding day with pictures please [nosy emoticon]

As to your selfish family. Send your father and SM a card thanking them for the financial contribution to the wedding then keep your distance. Email them some photos of the DC from time to time but don't put yourself in the position of letting them hurt you again.

Original poster
bohemianbint · 11/05/2009 13:48

thank you everyone for the replies. We did have a lovely day - it didn't touch us, and all our friends had a fantastic time. We are lucky that whilst you can't choose your family (obviously) we are lucky to have chosen fantastic friends. It really puts things into perspective.

THanks for taking the time to read all this. Hopefully you'll be reading much less of this in future, because I'm just not having it any more.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 11/05/2009 13:48

I would be inclined to return it and say that you don't want anything from her except an apology for the way she behaved towards your mother at the wedding.

Lizzylou · 11/05/2009 13:51

Bohemian, I would be speaking to your sister in no uncertain terms, I am afraid.
I'd say thank you for the money, now would you like to explain to me why you saw fit to push my Mother around the dance floor?
I would. I would be fuming.
Whatever happened in the past (and it was nothing to do with your sister) they should have made an effort for your Wedding Day.
That they couldn't, speaks volumes.
FWIW I had a no speeches rule at my wedding for precisely this reason, my Mother and Father divorced 26 years ago, I got married 7 years ago and I just knew he'd upset someone. They didn't speak during my graduation, my wedding, they had a conversation once at one of my DS's birthday parties that blew my mind), then ignored each other ever after. It is so selfish and pathetic.
for you, I do know how it feels.

LoveMyGirls · 11/05/2009 13:52

You have been so very retrained, I think I would have to go mad at them tbh, the way they have behaved is disgusting especially your dads speech I would go round and have it out with them, there is no excuse for behaving the way they have, they haven't considered your feelings once, they have been selfish throughout it all and personally it would be the final straw. I couldn't have anything to do with people that could stoop so low and I would let them know how much they have hurt you.

I'm so sorry you have had to deal with these people on your special day.

Congratulations on your marriage and heres to a happy future for you

LoveMyGirls · 11/05/2009 13:57

As for the money.....I would keep it without thanking them and I would expect to get nothing in future and I wouldn't give them anything.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/05/2009 14:03

Hi Bohemian

First of all would like to extend my congratulations re getting married. I hope the two of you will be very happy together.

Knew it was you who posted the initial message even before I clicked on it. I see both your father and step mum acted par for the course. And your half sis has continued to act abysmally as well.

I think you're right actually - they really don't give a toss about you. So you have to focus instead on you, living well is the best revenge here.

Such problems with toxic relations can become generational in nature as well - do not let these people pass on this to the next generation i.e your children as well. They will bring nothing positive into their lives given their attitude which will not waiver. Your SM rules the roost in that house and your Dad is the bystander; he could have chosen to stand up for you his DD but he has not (for want of a quiet life and his own selfish self preservation). He is just as culpable as she is.

Original poster
bohemianbint · 12/05/2009 08:07

Oh dear god. Re the barging, apparently it wasn't quite as bad as it was made out to be. It sounds as though she was dancing like a drunk arse all over the place, but that sh ewasn't actually aggressively barging my mother. She may have knocked into her a few times, she says if she did it was an accident but it absolutely didn't happen. My friend who said she saw it and it was really bad later said she wasn't sure exactly what she'd seen but it made her uncomfortable. I can imagine it would be the sort of thing she would do but I don't have any proof, just what two people have said. I think my mother may have exaggerated a bit/ been a bit sensitive. So I think I may have had an unfairly harsh go at her. I feel like shit.

Although everything else in my post still stands. Christ, it's all so messy.

OP posts:
TwoScrambled · 13/05/2009 12:05

Congratulations!

I have followed your posts and they sound really awful. Now sounds to me like the right time to draw a line, new start and only positive people in your life.

Good luck.

TwoScrambled · 13/05/2009 12:05

Your Step mother and father sound awful, not your posts!

KerryMaid · 13/05/2009 12:10

I think your wedding day is really an opportuniy for people to show how much they love and care for you.

I had an ailing relationship with my then best friend which we were trying to patch up - she came to my wedding and behaved like an utter bitch and that's when I decided to cut contact. If people can't be nice on your wedding day they definitely won't be nice in day to day life.

BIG congratulations to you both though.

BalloonSlayer · 13/05/2009 13:09

Another vote for civil distance, BB!

Hope you had a great time despite the things you have mentioned.

  • am I right in thinking though that this wasn't your actual wedding; that that was a year ago and this was your one-year celebration / confirmation?

Not that this in any way excuses your F and SM's behaviour, but it may IMO excuse your sister from missing your hen night a bit, given that they are supposed to be your last night of freedom and you've been married a year.