things getting bad again

[tooconfusedagain]

Brief history. h and i together 8 yeara, always storming relationship. Many things happend that i find it very hard to get over, always in my mind. Split up for a while and i came back nearly 4 weeks ago.

One of our issues was that dh doesn't take responsibility for arranging nights out and also shouting in from of ours ds. we were supposed to be be going out on sat, he said he;d book it all, restaurant, taxi. In past has got annoyed as i prompt him and says that therefore he never gets a chance to show he's remember.

Got to near time going out, he hadn't mentioned taxi so i was on edge. he insisted on know what was wrong and i siad i was anxious he wouldn't have done what he said. this of course prompted him to remember tax and i said he'd only remembered as i told him wahat was wrong. he got really angry and said it felt like a test, shouting in front of ds.

We did end up going out but i was still very upset and it ended up with me talkign about past things that had upset me. he then told me to pay for the meal and he was going back. So he went back and left me in town. When i came out of restaurant swa him sitiing on a bench and was so angry at being left told him to go away, so he did.

I know it's a silly issue but if it was importnat a dn he knew it and he siad he'd prove he's would - he didn't.

Barely speaking now

I agree she's not responsible for her DH's behaviour, it just seems a bit silly to ask him to do something he's rubbish at, turn it into a huge test of the relationship, and when he (almost inevitably) fails and it escalates into a row, spend days picking at him, bringing it up again and again and being unable to get over it, and then posting here about how sad she is that there's a bad atmosphere.

I understand her frustration, but she doesn't sound as if she's doing much to help the situation, you know?

I understood that in fact her DP had insisted that he could be trusted with certain stuff, and wanted to show her that, but arsed it up himself?

ie he didn't say, 'but I prefer it if you just make the arrangements'. He actually takes offence at the suggestion that he isn't good at making arrangements.

I have similar (much lower level) ongoing grumble with my (otherwise fab) DP about certain household tasks. I either have to accept him making a bodge of it, or him telling me he's not a fucking child etc if I mention how he could do it better, no matter how strategically/ diplomatically I do it.

It's a no-win situation if he insists that he can do it and won't hand the job over, but then cocks it up and goes mental becuase he's cocked it up ifswim.

Probably you're right, I was really referring to the making it into a test side of things and going on about it, rather than taking a deep breath and regarding it as a no-win situation like you seem to do. Which would be the sensible option to me as well.

Thanks for your replies. I probably should leave, trouble is i do still love him but know he;s bad for me.

jux - we have one ds, aged 3

Discusse with a rl friend of moine yesterday and she said if i want to stay with him i'll just have to give up on anything changing. she thought it was very sad though and thought i'd be better off leaving. During a row yesterday h demanded i write a list of things i wasn't happy ( think he thought i wouldn't be able to think of anything straight away). i wrote a list but, what's the point ? He knows the things which cause problems for us and clearly can't/won't change. This was the list :1. Stop his uncontrollable shouting, esp in front of ds, make more effort to remember things, eg writ e them down, set alarms, etc - as he does at work,3.show more interest in things,4 make a few of our phone calls, instead of leaving it all to me, 5.arrange for us to go out, 6stop saying untrue things when angry, 7 lose soem weight (has been saying he would for 4 years as he snores) but has put on not lost. he blamed him for making him eat too much because i made him miserable.

This looks awful

1. Stop his uncontrollable shouting, esp in front of ds,

• Ok, this is a nobrainer. He has to get control of his temper.

make more effort to remember things, eg writ e them down, set alarms, etc - as he does at work,

• DH struggles with remembering things, he has important appointments in his blackberry. Why can't he do this?

3.show more interest in things,

• What things?

4 make a few of our phone calls, instead of leaving it all to me,

5.arrange for us to go out,

• Putting these two together. WHY? If you are better at organisation, why expect him to do it. Why can't you say (without making it a critisism of him), "look, I know that you struggle with this kind of stuff, how about I take on the organisational side of family life?

I send DH emails to remind him of important stuff and he puts it in his diary at work. My Outlook speaks to his Outlook

6stop saying untrue things when angry,

Again, nobrainer. Possibly due to his frustration about the state of your relationship.

7 lose soem weight (has been saying he would for 4 years as he snores) but has put on not lost. he blamed him for making him eat too much because i made him miserable.

I can relate to this as this has been a problem for me too (albeit the other way around as I need to lose weight not DH). Where does he have problems losing weight? Can you support him better? Make sure there are no sweets in the house? Cook really healthy meals? Go out for walks together (he can organise that one!)

Can you both try and stop the nagging and the negative emotions and try and concentrate on the good things.

Write down the things that you like and love about each other.

I think the worry is 'he cant/wont change for me'

Either you love him - faults and all or you decide that actually you want more and say your goodbyes.

Poor man - if he changes to please you he will not be himself.

Of course there has to be some compromise but usually these are about bigger issures

Yes, i do love him but i also hate some thing s about him too. I know i shouldn't try to change him and i claerly cant. I just don't want the rest of my life to be like this. I know it could be worse if i leave but i don;t really feel we can improve this relationship. We've been here so many times, been to counselling individually and together - it doesn't work for us. I'm seeing counsellor next week alone to try to work out if it;s woth me staying. Scary thought as I'm a sahm owth no income and the thought of returning to work terrifies me - not worked now for over 3 years

ML - Trouble is he's can't or won;t control his outbursts when angry and has always said hurtful &/or untrue things when angry. if i stay i have to accept that but i hate how sad it makes me and worry about ds

Any one else got any thoughts onthis? Talked to rl friends last night, seemed to think i'm better of leaving or just resign myself that things will never change (and i they wont)

Things "calm" again between ha dn i now. It's fine when we have no issues or conflict, well not entirely fine as there is still all the hurt, lack of sex, closeness but it's bearable. Wish i could decide what to do

Seems to me you're going round in circles - both MN and your friends are telling you to either accept him the way he is, or leave.

But you're doing neither. You're restating the problems over and over again and making yourself miserable, without making any plan of action. All that will do will keep you dissatisfied and your DS and DH unhappy.

I really think that unless you and your DH can make a real effort to grow up and get something out of counselling (because TBH I suspect you might be doing the same thing in the sessions, i.e. going on about the problems without addressing them; for a counsellor to say you both act like children is fairly strong stuff!), you should just call it a day.

But I bet you won't and we'll still be seeing these threads in a few months' time. Feel sorry for your DS.

I know i need to make a decision, it's just so hard. feel sorry for ds too Trouble is i do stil love dh but know we're not right for eachother

Anyoe else got any thoughts? We seem so distant in alot of ways. we were redecorating d's room - had chosen a theme. he went out and bought some other stuff (posters) and put them up on wall without showing me first, he took gate of ds's room without saying so even thought he knew i wasnted it left on a bit longer, he arranges days off work without talking to me first to see if we can do anything, i dont' enjoy sex. In fact it's got so bad that when he tried to kiss me a couple of weeks ago i wished i'd had more to drink first . the of course there's the shouting, inability to control temper, shouting in front of ds, etc

Trouble is part of me still loves him and he does do alot of good stuff too. See counsellor again later today (just me). Wish i knew what to do

Has he written a list of what he'd like you to change, too?

I do think this is a case of the pair of you being propelled to opposite corners by each other and being unable to 'give' as it seems like weakness, or maybe makes you feel vulnerable (that's both of you btw).

If you want this relationship to work you are both going to have to put a lot of work into it; it's no good saying counselling doesn't work for you - you have to be prepared to put a lot of effort into it which includes being utterly and frighteningly honest, but also allowing the other person to be too. This means hearing things about yourself that you might not like.

You've also got to find a way of compromising or allowing the other person to get what they want, of discussing things without getting angry/defensive, or actually hearing and understanding what you each say. An example, he has taken down a stairgate which you thought should still be up. Think about why he might have done that. Was it because he felt he wasn't being heard when he gave his reasons for wanting to take it down, or that his reasons were not given enough weight? Sometimes you have to trust the father of your child too; you are the mother, but he is the father. Presumably he doesn't actually want to hurt his child, but perhaps he thinks he's too wrapped up atm and needs a bit more independence?

You keep posting and asking if anyone's got more views, even though all the posts so far are saying more or less the same thing:

1. Leave him or
2. Be prepared to work on it, accept that he's not perfect and that both of you need to change.

Which other views are you hoping for?

saw counsellor yesterday. She thinks i should wither stay but have to accept things will never be as i want as we'll have more of a father /daughter relationship or leave. It's sad as i do feel so attwached to dh but know things will never change