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Original poster

things getting bad again

67 replies

tooconfusedagain · 11/05/2009 10:28

Brief history. h and i together 8 yeara, always storming relationship. Many things happend that i find it very hard to get over, always in my mind. Split up for a while and i came back nearly 4 weeks ago.

One of our issues was that dh doesn't take responsibility for arranging nights out and also shouting in from of ours ds. we were supposed to be be going out on sat, he said he;d book it all, restaurant, taxi. In past has got annoyed as i prompt him and says that therefore he never gets a chance to show he's remember.

Got to near time going out, he hadn't mentioned taxi so i was on edge. he insisted on know what was wrong and i siad i was anxious he wouldn't have done what he said. this of course prompted him to remember tax and i said he'd only remembered as i told him wahat was wrong. he got really angry and said it felt like a test, shouting in front of ds.

We did end up going out but i was still very upset and it ended up with me talkign about past things that had upset me. he then told me to pay for the meal and he was going back. So he went back and left me in town. When i came out of restaurant swa him sitiing on a bench and was so angry at being left told him to go away, so he did.

I know it's a silly issue but if it was importnat a dn he knew it and he siad he'd prove he's would - he didn't.

Barely speaking now

OP posts:
FiveGoMadInDorset · 11/05/2009 17:28

DH never organises the nights out, if I waited until I did then we would never go out.

Sorry you sound as if you are pushing him to cause a row.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 11/05/2009 17:47

Thanks for your replies. Think i might talk to him later and tell i him i realise it's causing problems hoping that he;ll arrnage to go out so if i want ot go out i'll say so and arrnage it. There have been so many rows about this in the past (amongst otehr things) that i finally feel there's no point hoping and have given up. Not worth the hassle and being let down

OP posts:
Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 11/05/2009 21:15

Have just told him I've given up hoping he'll arrrnage anthing as i dont want to be let down again and feel like i have for last few days and numerous times before - no reaction from him whatsoever. We slept separately last nigh (bcos I wanted to) and will again tonight

OP posts:
frazzledgirl · 11/05/2009 21:19

That sounds like a good idea, if it's a genuine attempt to resolve the issue rather than another opportunity to say how disappointed and upset you are about his failure to arrange them himself.

Do realise it's maddening, but so is harping on about something (even if the grievance is genuine).

frazzledgirl · 11/05/2009 21:21

X-posted with you - that last one of mine should be above yours.

That was exactly what I was warning you against.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 11/05/2009 21:36

wouldn't say i was harping on to him - it took about 2 minute sot say what i needed to say and i asked him what he thought - no reaction. I just wnated him to know that whilst i am upset, i have now given up on that issue as it won't change and its not worth the upset it causes

OP posts:
frazzledgirl · 11/05/2009 21:49

Oh FGS.

There is a big difference between saying, calmly and lovingly, 'this isn't your area let's face it, so how about I just do this in future', and "I've given up hoping he'll arrrnage anthing as i dont want to be let down again and feel like i have for last few days and numerous times before".

One suggests a way forward. One attempts to drive the point home yet again and make him feel sh*tty one more time.

However good your point is, constantly reminding someone of their fault will tend to wipe out any trace of remorse. That's the effect it has on me, anyway.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 11/05/2009 21:54

I guess it was somewhere in between - i did say i was upset but also said i knew it was something he finds difficult so best not to be an issue anymore.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 11/05/2009 22:00

In the grand scheme of things though, booking a taxi? Not a biggy I wouldn't have thought. If there are other problems, sure enough, but really, this all sounds so petty.
My DH is useless at dressing my boys, he's OK with himself, but if he is going with them then I have to find the clothes or else they'll be in mismatching/wrong clothes. I accept it can be infuriating, but it is a very small failing, I'll accept it.
I am shite at loads of things, he sweeps up after me, that is what a relationship is, give and take.
Really, stop making huge things out of really very insignificant matters.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 11/05/2009 22:01

There are many other issues!!!

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 11/05/2009 22:13

If there are many other issues, why pick this one to row/post about?
Are they all similarly small but annoying? I know small things can mount up, but you are sounding a tad high maintenance.

frazzledgirl · 11/05/2009 22:14

Are there too many to make the r'ship worth saving? From reading your many other posts, it sounds like you want a reason to end it.

If you want to save the marriage, you need to work out which issues are worth making a fuss about, and which ones you just take a deep breath over and decide to let slide. For bonus points, while remembering the annoying things you do, too.

E.g. DH never closes doors and dresses my poor son like a bag person. I have to accept that he will never see why socks should vaguely match the rest of his outfit, while remembering that he's put up with seven years of my mess...

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 12/05/2009 11:17

he still thinks all it was is me making a fuss about forgotten taxi. It was what it meant and then his reaction - ied shouting at me frightening ds in the process and even initially denying he's forgotten. there are many issues, yes:

1, his lack of control when angry

  1. shouting at me and when ds can hear
3 lack of communication 3 don't really enjoy sex, probably because of all the issues, past and present 4 there has been violence from both of us - not for a couple of years
OP posts:
Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 12/05/2009 22:24

so sad. reallly dobn't know wjy i thought things would be different if i came back to him. Thunk we're just a bad combination. Still have some love for him tho but not sure worth all this stress. it's so bad don't even feel i could ever go back to work as there are a few days every month when i find it hard to function because of something he's said/done. used to be like this when i was at work and my work suffered alot

OP posts:
Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 14/05/2009 10:01

things still terrible. He's either trying to act like nothing happened or we're arguing - some of which has been in front of ds. Ds now saying "mummy miserable". So sad don't know what to do. Seeing counsellor again on monday. I know on the face of it , it was just a forgottne taxi. the main upsetting thing is that he knew how important it was, shouted and balmed me in front of ds to make excuses, balmed me for not reminding him when he's told me not to. And he's now complaining about me not being able to get over it and that i'm unstable and he's been telling me (by text,as this is how most of our communication has been this week) what good days he's been having, how he's sleeping well and he's not anxious.

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 14/05/2009 10:03

Stop texting.

It is far too easy to send texts that really hurt, and everyone spends their time lashing out, and being hurt, and hurting each other, and so on.

Do not discuss important/delicate things by text. Talk in person, sitting down, facing each other, without DS in the room. Or park it until counselling, if you're doing that together.

frazzledgirl · 14/05/2009 10:44

Agree entirely with NQC re texting. You two need to learn to talk to each other if there's going to be any hope for you.

At the moment, he is trying to pretend nothing's wrong, and - forgive me for saying so - you are determined that nothing is right.

You need to let go of the taxi thing and actually want to move on.

Jux · 14/05/2009 11:24

Can you come to an agreement that he will not arrange things and will leave all that to you? You can and he can't. Partnerships mean working to each other's strengths. This is not one of his, but it is one of yours. Why is it so important to you that he does something he's clearly incredibly bad at?

I think if you can't agree on something like this then there's not much point in you being together.

Original poster
tooconfusedagain · 14/05/2009 11:38

thanks Jux, we've just an a conversation pretty much to that effect. Ended up having a row about something and else end went out with ds telling me just before that the house is a state and i should do better

OP posts:
frazzledgirl · 14/05/2009 11:51

But again, I have to ask: was it a genuine calm conversation, along the lines of 'we're not doing very well here, I'll take responsibility for X and you do x which will help us keep things calm and pleasant', or (as you said earlier in the thread) 'forget it, you'll never do this and it really upsets me so in future I'll just do it myself'.

Sounds like you had the latter option. Which obviously doesn't solve things.

Jux · 14/05/2009 12:08

How old is your child/ren? I have the impression you are still in a place where you are adjusting (or not!) to the pressures of having a child. That time when everything changes and you both have much more on your plates than you used to, neither of you get enough sleep, etc etc etc.

Whether or not that is the case:

You need to talk calmly about what needs to be done, who is going to do what, who is going to take responsibility for what and all that.

Look at your strengths and weaknesses - both of you - and work to those.

Can you do this calmly? Maybe it would be better to do it in an alien environment rather than at home where you are both used to 'anything goes' iyswim.

Overmydeadbody · 14/05/2009 12:17

Oh for goodness sake just end this relationship already!

All your posts are blaming him, listing the things he does wrong, when you need to take responsibility. No one is holding you there against your will, it's your choice to stay given your history together.

From your posts it's clear you two are just not compatible and not making each other happy.

You cannot change him. But you can change your situation. Move on. For both of your sakes.

MorrisZapp · 14/05/2009 12:20

Bit harsh to blame OP - she said that if she reminds him he gets angry, and he wants to show he can do it himself but then doesn't, which would surely drive anybody mad?

I can see her point. If I thought that DP was so unbothered about going out with me that he couldn't ring a taxi despite being capable in all other areas of his life I'd be upset too. Doesn't it say something about how he feels about the relationship in general?

Also the shouting, loss of control are obviously the real issues here, not a taxi journey. If the guy shouts in anger becuase he hasn't been reminded to ring a taxi despite the fact OP knows he shouts in anger if he is reminded, then there is a real problem there.

Sorry OP but from what you've said there just doesn't sound like much of a relationship there. Who needs this crap.

Overmydeadbody · 14/05/2009 12:23

I'm not blaming the OP for her DP's behaviour, all I'm saying is that it is her choice to be with him, her choice to go back to him after seperating, so instead of just moaning about him she needs to accept that she is responsible for being there. She can leave, after all. It's not rocket science.

MorrisZapp · 14/05/2009 12:28

Sorry, I meant the ppl who were blaming her for not just ringing the cab herself.

I agree that the OP should leave this guy, and it's her choice to settle for what appears to be a total non-relationship.

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