Can you help me get some perspective on this please

[SemperEadem]

Okay this may be long but I'll try and keep it concise.

DH is in the forces. I live 300 miles away from family & friends with our DS.

DH is notorious for going on a bender when at an army night out. Over the past 18 months or so, he has gone out with his army mates and just not come home till the next day. I have been furious over this and stated in o uncertain terms that this is unacceptable and have said that I would be okay with it if I got a phone call at least to stop the lting awake at 4 am wondering where he is situation.

Last weekend was an army social event that he had my blessing to go to (we are skint at the mo and he had army activities planned for this weekend but was still okay with it). He took the piss as usual and just didn't come home. When he turned up the next morning, he said his phone had ran out of power at 8pm so couldn't phone. I asked why he didn't use a payphone, he said he doesn't know my/our housephne numer (true by the way, he doesn't even know his own). He got so pissed and ended up in a part of London where he couldn't get back and so slept in a hotel corridor.

Cue much arguing and me saying I've had enough etc. He said what did I want him to do and I said not get yourself in such a situation where you can't fecking get home.

Cue this weeks activities.... yesterday he had a dinner/drinks thing he had to attend in the afternoon. said he wold be home at 5ish as the transport homeleft at 4. Rang me at 5 ish saying transport had been delayed and would be home 7ish. Not best pleased as thought he was just pulling the I want to stay out longer excuse. Rolled in at 6.20 completely ratarsed and promptly fell asleep at 7.15 for the rest of the night.

Yesterday, a march and then more drinks, expected home at 6 ish again. Rang me to say he wuld be home at 8ish as some of his seniors were taking him for more drinks. Had a rant and said why can't you just come home. Me and my DS have been ill with cold all weekend, I am a witness in a court case next week and am stressed about that and have no friends/family in this area. He said he would be home at 8ish. He then rang me at 8 saying he was staying out longer and would be home at 12. I have to admit I ranted as thats the whole weekend with him in a completely pissed state and no help to me and my DS bearing in mind what had happened the weekend before.

He came home at 11.45 completely ratarsed again and was trying to get into bed with ds and I. Eventually got him in the spare room.

This morning, all I am getting from him is that he doesn't see what my problem is as he rang me and told me he was going to be late. I said that should be a given not something to b congratulated on and that he should have just come home at dinertime when he said he would. He copletely fails to see my point and just keeps reiterating that he rang me and told me and that I knew this weekend wold belike this.

So, am I being a PITA or is he? Feel fed up that I'm always being treat like this.

I havetried to put all info in so as not to drip feed but I just don't know what to do anymore.

TIA

i wouldn't like this.

You are not being a pain at all - he should be more responsible and supportive.

I'd be furious.

Hope your Court case is not too awful.

If this was happening once or twice a year, that he went out with friends and stayed overnight somewhere then it would be ok, as long as he let you know.

Doing this every week, several times a week is just not ok.

He is not a 18yo with no responsibilities, he is a man with a family who deserve more from him.

How is he when he is home? How is your relationship otherwise?

He doesn't do it every week in his defence as he can go for weeks without going out but it just feels that when he does, he has to take it to the extreme iyswim?

He is ok at he, plays with ds etc.y main criticis is that he is so focused on his job that me and ds sometimes come second but I think that comes with the territory.

I just don't see why he had to stay out yesterday when he was ratarsed the night before. Where wld have been the harm in just coming home and spending the night with his wife when she has been ill, tiredafter looking after DS who is ill and never gets 5 fecking minutes to herself - I just feel the I'm the fall guy all the time.

Him not understanding where I am coming from just makes it worse.

Sorry for typos - keyboard sticking!

You need to set boundaries - and if it is not acceptable to you then you need to say so.

I used to be more like you and 'allow' my to go out and do his think whilst i was keeping home and family together. It is not good.

Do you get a chance to go out (i know you probably dont want to but you must make sure you do).

And he does not have to put work and career first either - again my h used to use this as an excuse - only when his dreadful behaviour (and affair) led to him realising that he would lose us all did he change.

My h will now turn down functions and does not miss out. In fact i think he gets more respect because he has a good work/life balance.

Anyway hope you get it sorted but you need to be tough and not allow him to make you feel bad for the way you feel.

Thanks HappyWoman. I do try & set boundaries, I've talked, shouted, screamed, cried, wrote messages, everything I can think of and he just keeps on doing it.

I don't get a chance to go out unfortnately, all my family & friends are up north and I literally know nobody here, apart from 2 women who are heavily pregnant right now and so are not really up to going anywhere.

I am going to try and be tough (again). I am seriously thinking of moving back up north to be closer to family & friends (dh will have to stay here) so that I can have a life too and stop feeling so like a sodding doormat.

Oh and Happywoman, just wanted to say that I have read a lot of your posts about moving on after affairs and I really do think you have coped remarkably well and your advice is always constructive

It is hard - as you want to be a family but also want him to want it too iyswim.

I am a believer in that you get treated the way you allow yourself to be treated.

You need to look after your needs now (he is clearly looking after his).

Do you get a chance to go out at all? Again i know how hard it is to ask for help with babysitting and even the having to organise it seems not worth it sometimes, but it is important for you both to have some couple time too.

You need to make him want to come home to you - and that is not to say you are doing anything wrong at all - but if he feels he is going to get it in the neck anyway why hurry home?

And hard as it is try and have a good time despite him not being there.
Again now my h thinks i have a good time at home and he doesnt want to miss out on that either. It helps that i have made some fabulous friends who are willing to come over - so when h says he is going out i say ' oh ok xxxxx is coming over so i will be having fun anyway'. Like i said he is a bit of a child and hates to miss out and so will only go out for a quick drink now.

Good luck

Can he go out and just have a couple of pints then come home, or does he always get completely pissed?

My Dad sometimes takes the car to give him an "excuse" for not drinking. I find it ridiculous that he needs to make up reasons for turning down another pint, but it works for him.

No mmmlindt - he inevitably gets trashed.

Thing is he was out this weekend, last weekend (he was in a real state), the week before for St George's Day (an army thing - the go really patriotic over it every year).

He is right, he may not go out every weekend but he gets out a lot more than I do (last time was Feb for me, when I was visiting family up north) they are more work type things for him and it always descends into a major bender.

Fed up

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misssuny - you are right - maybe if I had people here him staying out late last night wouldn't have bothered me but I am the one stuck n the house all weekend, dealing with a poorly toddler, keeping the house running, making sure there is food in the house, preperig it for visitors next week (I am a witness in a court case and family are coming down to look after DS).

I do take DS out a lot but again it is me and him with no other adults to talk to.

It just hurts that when his seniors said come out for extra drinks that he didn't just say you know what, my wife is ill, my son is ill, I got ratarsed yesterday - I am just gonna pass on this one.

To top it all off, when I rang him at teatime and asked why he wasn't on the transport home - he said Oh I have been delayed - cue lots of laughter in the background

He said they weren't laughing at me or what he had just said but I was like er pull the other one

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i'd threaten to call his boss and arrange a meeting to discuss his alcoholism.

been on the other side of that one.

the forces are very pro drink etc etc as you are well aware, but they do know that the line has to be drawn, and soldiers have to deal with the consequences of stepping over it.

it's your threat to make, but it might, just might, make him pause for thought. or you could call the padre and discuss it all with him. they'll have heard it all before and will be able to talk you through some different scenarios.

My exp used to stay out all night, and therefore can simpathise, no matter how many times we had the same discussion that it wasnt on, he'd agree then do it again. He had absolutely no will power to stop drinking and would always want to be the last one out, so he didnt miss out on anything. In the end this resulted in me constantly having a go at him and being generally unhappy so he didnt want to come home, anyway he is now my exp largerly as a result of this.

Your dp needs to understand the damage this is doing to your relationship, I'm not sure how you can do this I'm afraid since I didnt manage to get this through to my dp. You need to make sure you go out and do stuff together to show you can have just as much fun as a couple, do any of his army pals have partner, wives he could introduce you to? If they do then they are probably in the same situation as you so you would have loads in common. I moved 200 miles from my home to be with exp, but I have now chosed to stay here even though we have split because I have made loads of friends through attending toddler groups, I now have a great social life with and without my ds, I think this is v important and wish I had made friends sooner because I used to rely on my exp for everthing because he was the only one I knew here.

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To be honest, reading the OP,her DH's behaviour is totally unacceptable and it sounds to me like he has a serious alchol problem. Chances are that it is affecting him at work. How about speaking to the Padre to get some perspective (which will be confidential).

you are not being a PITA - he needs to wise up. If you move back to family elsewhere, it may make some things better - but it will give him free reign to get pissed all the time.

Thanks for all your responses. I don't think I will call his boss as he was probably one of the ones who was encouraging him to stay out iyswim?

I think his mates did know it was me he was talking to as the day before one of them rang me trying to persuade me to 'let' him stay out on the Saturday too. When I explained why I wanted dh to come home he said well I think he should come home now too. DH then said see you later and I could hear them all in the background saying - yeah next Tuesday.... in June. Knobheads eh?

This posting is a strange one tbh - its whats called an e posting which means we aren't attached to his battalion so all our neighbours are mixed regiments. There are no toddler groups (army ran anyway) , no naafi, not even a families officer. I tried to set up an army ran toddler group for the army wives but got zero help from the amy in doing so, so just gave up.

Our next posting is back with his battalion so am hoping things improve there (i.e lots of wives to socialise with, people we already know are there so there should be babysitters I would feel comfortable leaving ds with ( he is a bad sleeper).

Have a thumping headache now! Need to pull myself together!

mumof2222boys - they are all like that when on a army 'work' thing - doesn't affect his work as they will all be in the same boat today.

He doesn't drink like this at home btw. Just benders when he does go out. It could be weeks before he is out again and he will only then have the odd beer at home in between. Its more of a boys will be boys mentality when he is out thats the problem.

You are definitely right about the free reign thing. Thing is, I want us to stay together as a family and am happy to sacrifice the things I have in order to do so. BUT only when I am appreciated and he doesn't take the piss!

misssunny - yes, i know lol. i knew the merest mention of involving work would mean that half a million mners would think i was stark staring, well, mad. (lol)

but actually, in the sort of scenario i have experienced, it is more about highlighting the issue and getting the dh to see that actually his behaviour is an awful lot more problematic than he thinks it is. some soldiers will then go on to be offered alcohol awareness courses and counselling if necessary, and some will buck up and grow up. some of course, will inevitably decide that their harridan wife has overstepped the mark and will move into the block, but tbh they are usually the ones who end up doing that anyway, months later, after their drinking habits spiralling further out of control.

merely offering it as an option. speaking to the padre is a good half way house.

unfortunately, it happens a lot. the forces spend a lot of money on alcohol awarenes campaigns (and to be honest i'm bored to the back teeth of seeing smashed up cars parked at the gates) but they don't seem to be grasp that forking out cash doesn't alter the all pervasive culture.

that said lol, it does sound as if the OP's dh has just had a run of socials and stretched the limits a bit - not suggesting he is an alcoholic he probably isn't one of the ones in need of counselling etc, but only the OP can judge that. just reminding her of her options as part of the big ol' military family.

That is the way to describe it - a run of socials that he's taken the piss at, rather than alcoholism, but I deffo see why you mentioned it.

I just wish he wouldn't take the bloody piss. I don't want to be whingy whiny missus. I want him to have a good time but I also want him to not just go off one everytime he does go.

Bollocks, head is done in.

Thanks for taking time out to tell me what you think. I appreciate it, neither ds nor the cat would have given me much in the way of response and so trusty old mumsnet came up trumps!

See, this is something that I hate. You are now in the situation of being the nasty wifey at home, "letting" him stay out or not.

It is time for him to stand up, be a man and say, "Sorry folks, this is my last pint. I am off home" and act like the adult he is pretending to be.

I know that this is difficult, particularly in the forces, but this is what he has to do to save his marriage. If you are at the stage of thinking about going back to your hometown, then it is time for him to sit down and think about if he wants to be yet another soldier with a failed marriage.

You are right MmeLindt - in fact you all are. Praise the Lord for mumsnet. He is on his way homeshortly - I had told him to stay in the barracks but am knackered (bad cold) and could do with some help with DS at bedtime.

Told him we need to talk and he has to properly listen.....

....have said this before and it all goes in one fecking ear and out of the other

There are so many of his mates with fucked up marriages (crikey - I'm swearing a lot on this thread - not normally such a potty mouth honest). This is HIS second marriage FGS. I sometimes blame the army as it seems to me that the majority of squaddies think they can do what they want cos they are so used to the army picking up the pieces.

Don't flame me for that last comment - I am married to one after all and am a big supporter of the forces but I sometimes think the way they are handed things on a plate (help if you get into debt etc etc) means that they are not always fearful of the repercussions of their own actions. In a non combat sense obviously.