Signs of an abusive man?

[SideMouth]

I am about to move in with my partner but I have a niggling voice at the back of my head telling me to reconsider.

DP comes across as a nervous, shy, harmless man ... funny (in a 'doh, why did I do that!) kind of way ... friendly ...

But there is another side to him.

He is very bitter about his ex, told me she was 'absolutely useless' because she failed her driving test twice.

He goes on about my ex, slags him off constantly even though he's never met him. Says he'd rather not bump into him etc.

He gets funny about any male friends and tries to limit my contact with them. For instance one man (he's only 20) has been car sharing with me for a couple of years for the gym, sometimes he drives, sometimes I drive ... DP is now insisting that I just use his car and let the other bloke make his own way there.

On the road its like he purposely goes out to cause agro. Like if it's his right of way, he'll GO ... regardless of anyone else coming the other way. A car cut across him the other day, DP saw it well in time and instead of slowing down and just letting him get past, he actually sped up so he almost hit him and then called him a "fucking idiot" and beeped the horn over and over again.

Today it was his right of way but another car had already started coming through ... DP drove directly forward as if the other car didn't exist and almost hit him head on, the other car had to dodge quickly.

Its so strange because at other times he seems like the most gentle, "silliest" bloke in the world, nobody would ever guess he had another side to him.

I have brought up the topic of domestic violence before and he goes on about how much he hates it and its wrong etc etc ... is it all crap or am I being paranoid?

RUN.

Sounds like a control freak.

Don't do it, listen to your instinct.

Give it time and if it's any better then you can move in at a later date. There is no rush.

Better safe than sorry

x

go with the niggles
postpone. you will know by his reaction. and keep up the car share

I don't think you're being paranoid, that gut instinct is there for a reason.

The controlling thing and slagging off of both your exes ring big alarm bells for me. The wanky driving could be put down to him being young -lots of young men drive like wankers but they grow out of it (sort of), bt the other stuff gets worse, not better.

I'm highly suspicious of people that become aggressive twats behind the wheel of a car. Male or female.

Sounds a charmer. Do you really want to be with a man like that? You post suggests not.

No he's not young, he's 36. Car share bloke is 20.

i think your spider senses are tingling, tbh.

Listen to your instincts. You have taken the time to post here, so there must be something in it.

TBH I don't think you would use that post title if you were comfortable, would you? The very fact you are asking the question indicates a problem I think.

Another thing, he came to a kickboxing/exercise class with me and afterwards I joked "if you keep it up, he'll start demonstrating stuff on you!" and he laughd and replied "would be so funny if I knocked him out, everyone would piss themselves laughing ... "

But its wierd, he really doesn't come across as the violent type.

oh 36 is too old to be behaving like a child

you know he's a wrong'un don't you, and you just wnat to know that you're not being unreasonable.

really, you're not. Don't move in with him.

He probably does genuinely hate domestic violence because he quite likely thinks the definition of that is physical abuse. But emotional and verbal situations also exist and there do seem to potentially be a couple of warning signs of a controlling and intolerant nature.

my ex was always trying to make out he was the BIG 'I am'! he used to wind people up on the road deliberately, even to the point of getting out of the car on a couple of occassions when things had got heated with another driver. used to worry me sick. i used to think he was trying to show off in front of me cos we hadnt been together very long. But that kind of behaviour wasnt accpetbale to me and i didnt like it at all. In the end we split up because he was into child porn (yes he was done for it, dont want people wasting their time saying, oh you should report him etc. thats all been done). now Im not saying your DP is into that (god forbid) but in hindsight and having thought very carefully over every aspect of him, i can now see how 'ODD' he was at times. I didnt see it at the time IYSWIM but now I do.
Not sure this is of any help to you, but sometimes you should go with your gut feeling. I wish I had of had a gut feeling, I wouldnt have had to of gone through what i went through if I had.

Agree with reality about slagging exes off, especially as he's saying she's thick. How long before it's you? And the car thing, my twat is abusive and he's mad on the road, if someone drives too slowly for him he overtakes at very high speed.
The dim act could be just that, an act. He can say he hates DV but my twat doesn't think he's abusive, and I've been pushed slapped and punched. He just thinks he isn't as bad as some men. Listen to your instincts, they're probably spot on.

God,he sounds pathetic, sorry.

LISTEN to that niggling little coice...it's rarely, if ever, wrong

Plkus all of us are confirming that yes, from what you have said, he is a total arse.

Everyone even the most nasty abusive person has a good side. NOT everyone has a bad side as nasty as this chap.

Iyswim

Can you safely end the relationship? You often come to your senses damn fast when you imagine his reaction to you deciding to dump him...if he's likely to react in a horrid way, you need rid x

Voice, not coice

NOOOOOOOOOOOO DONT MOVE IN WITH HIM, as another poster has said RUN!!!!

doesn't give me any good vibes.

Abusers as well can be completely plausible at times but their true nature will eventually emerge. If they were abusive all the time no-one would want to have a relationship with them. They can also be plausible to those in the outside world.

Ignore your nagging voice of doubt at your peril!!!. If you move in with him that may well be the biggest mistake you have ever made.

Run, don't walk away from him!!.

sounds like he has a lot of pent up anger - avoid avoid avoid. The slagging off of your ex rings alarm bells for me - my ex did that at that relationship didn't go well. As other have said, trust your instincts.

You already know he's a wrong 'un don't you?. It's just he hasn't done anything to you for you to pinpoint it on YET. If you carry on with him you MUST jump on every every attempt he makes to control you so that he learns it's not going to work.

You have the prefect opportunity now - tell him you have thought about his demand that you give up your car share agreement and you are not going to do it and there is no reason to. If he doesn't trust you then he shouldn't be wanting to move in wth you. Does he think you are incapable of fending off the advances of a 20 yr old?

See how he reacts to that.

Always listen to those niggling voices. They are always right!

Warning Signs You're Dating a Loser