My Ex partner is being horrible and with holding maintenance payments.

[maltesers]

I really need your support mnetters . My Ex came to pick up our son 8 yrs this morning. We ended up having an argument over access and money. Last weekend i kept my ds as he is a chorister and had a full schedule singing over the bank hol w.end. My Ex was most put out. He then at the last minute asks to collect ds from school after i had made plans for him to stay on at school for tea and homework (its a boarding sch.) before the sch.play he was in. Ex was most annoyed i said no to this idea as plans were in place already. He then offers to get ds on fri (yesterday) after school to which i said no, and i would keep him as usual till the Sat. So when he arrived to get ds this morning we ended up rowing bout the situation, so he then witheld the maintenance money which he normally pays me at the w.end. I then said that ds was not to go for the w.end, but ds wanted to. So i let him .
Not a nice situation to put ds in, and i feel guilty bout it. But my Ex is very controlling and fiesty and verbally aggressive and a bully. I stand up to him now but it causes rows. He finally agreed on txt later to pay me on a standing order as i keep requesting, instead of cash each week; then i dont have to stand at the front door in the begging mode with hands out for his money (very belittling) ...If we argue he doesnt hand it to me.
Should i see a solicitor to sort this or just hope he organises a standing order for money each month.?????

Your ex shouldn't be withholding maintenance because of access disputes, but I can see why he was miffed at you changing normal arrangements. Why couldn't he have had DS on Friday?

Didn't want to read and not post. Has he done stuff like this before? I have no experience of stuff like this! Could you get a legal agreement or such so he can only see your ds at set times?

Sorry if this is rubbish advice anti mn (((hug)) for you

The normal arrangement is that Ex has Ds on the Sat a.m. till Sunday tea time. I would like to stick with this unless there is something special either of us have on. I dislike him at the last minute wanting to do something with ds when plans are already in place. He needs to think ahead of one day IMHO and ask me a few days in advance not spring his last minute whim on me an ds. Its not fair on ds either.

I dont agree with him holding back finances but how would you feel if he changed all of the times you were going to see your son last minute without asking you - he just wants to see his son and I think tbh that you are being a bit out of order not considering the impact it has on his life. Fault both ways methinks.

Fortunately my Ex is to set up a standing a order now and make payments that way . It should be better and then he wont be standing on the door step with holding payments to me. I dont want my ds not to see his Dad but sometimes he can be very nasty. He was physically abusive to me in our relationship and has an evil temper so i am still angry with him. I wish i never had to see him again and think his influence on our ds is not very good but i know our ds needs a Dad.

Firstly sounds like he wants to see his son... which is a good thing, (in 99.9% of cases)and it will benefit your ds to have a relationship with his dad.

This is not about what is easy for, who it suits, or anyone holding onto adult relationships. It's about your ds and his needs etc.
so..having said that ( felt I had to because sometimes it gets lost).

I actually feel really sorry for the dads out there who used to see their dc's everyday and then are cut down to every other saturday.. and it's crap for the dc's too. I mean if they live near enough what is wrong with them seeing the dc's after school etc.

would it be an option to e-mail each other regarding changes in arrangements.. because this way you can't actually argue.

Where money is concerned if the standing order doesn't materialise.. go to the CSA. ( they aren't always great.. but that's the option.)

My ex has the ds's every other friday afternoon to sunday evening plus half of school hols, and for anything special.. or if he can get down to see them. ( he lives 200+ miles away. We do money through CSA because it saves arguements about money. And he used to pay double.. and this now allows him to do nice things with his sons etc. ( because why shouldn't he).

what I'm trying to say is.. this is your sons relationship with his dad, no longer is it your relationship with your ex. might be worth looking at it in the light that you are actually helping your son, does it really matter if his dad wants to see him or pick him up from school.

maybe you both could sit and set up a better contact agreement for both of you.

i am a mother who has her son at weekends. I have him from Friday until Monday (pick up drop off flexible to mine and ex's routine, ds not at school yet)....

not seeing my son for a weekend is unbearable. This doesn't happen very often because i sort my life around this arrangement, but there are a few weekends in the year when i don't have ds and we make arrangements for me to either have ds at mine or to take him out for a couple days midweek so that i don't go for a fortnight without seeing him. I would feel very put out if my ex decided i couldn't see my son/have him earlier than planned if i had missed a weekend with him.

My situation is obviously different to yours but i can understand why your ex would want to have him earlier than planned if he has missed time with him. I also agree though that he needs to talk to you in advance if this is the case, he can't expect you to change plans you have made for ds at the last moment. Did you bring up the possibility of him having ds earlier than usual arrangements when you knew he would miss a weekend with him? If not then maybe this might be an idea for the future to try and avoid this kind of disagreement. Of course i don't know either of you and whether this would work.

To be honest I think he is probably resorting to the only lever he has to try and get to see his son a bit more.

He doesn't get to see him very much, and then you go and decide that he isn't going to see him over the bank holiday. I really don't blame him for being put out. I'd be more than put out if I had someone else deciding when and if I could see my child.

Fair enuf mnetters... you are prob rite.... thanx for your thoughts. I just wish he would listen to my requests bout bedtime 'On Time' and not take him to sleep on girlfriends son bedroom floor and crash out at a very late hour.
Surprised Surfermum you say that bout him not seeing his son much. What ? He gets to see him every weekend and even during the week somtimes. Some Dads only see their kids one every 3 weeks or at half terms.
Considering he pushed me about and hurt me he is lucky he sees his son at all and i am normally very civil to him....and i dont think he deserves it. I never got physical with him and constantly backed down and ended up a complete doormat..He was a nasty bully !!
you can see why now i try to wheel some power.

maltesers - something like this is always hard to discuss on a messageboard when we don't personally know the people involved and understand all the ins and outs.
On the face of it i think what i posted is relevant......but.....there are obviously other issues with your ex which make your situation complicated. He is NOT right to use the maintenance as 'leverage' (no maintenance issues for me, so not something i experience), he is not right to try and intimidate you about these things, and while to a degree i think what a child does when spending time with each individual parent is up to that parent i do think it is unfair of him to disregard your wishes over bedtime. In my situation there are certain things which are dealt with the same in both households (bedtime, discipline, mealtimes) because we are in agreement that ds needs some kind of routine.
I totally understand why you feel you need some power/control, and why having to deal with your ex in this way would be upsetting and frustrating. I think as suggested you need to remove the handing over cash element of this and see if that helps to change things.

Every weekend and sometimes in the week isn't very much though IMO - and then if you have a weekend stopped, that is a very long time between contacts. I can't imagine what it would feel like not to see my dd every day, I'd miss her dreadfully.

Malteser.. you can feel the hurt and emotion, seeping out between the words in your last post. I also could have written the last post about 9 years ago. The only person your really hurting is your son.

the best way to wheel power, is to be the best mum and have the best life you can possably achieve. So ex is a bully and he annoys you... that's why your not with him anymore. you might if your not careful hurt your son as a by product of being angry at your ex.

bed on time isn't really that big a deal. when your son gets tired and fed up on the girlfriends sons floor.. he will make it clear to his dad.. they all do.

I and many other mnners do know how hard it is though. lots of us have been there. But if I could have a chat with myself 9 years ago.. I would tell me exaclty the same thing as I'm telling you.

If your ds is at boarding school and exp has him at weekends (so I assume it is weekly boarding) when do you get to see him? That sounds hard on you if you only get to spend Friday and Sunday nights together.

I'm divorced and our kids spend half the weekends with me and half with his dad. If something happened which meant the kids needed to spend the weekend with 1 of us rather than the other eg school stuff like your son's choir stuff, family get togethers etc we would discuss it and swap that weekend as we don't stick rigidly to alternate weekends.
It sounds as though you just totally cancelled your ex's access to your son because he had school stuff which sounds totally unreasonable to both of them. You should have discussed it, agreed the chorister stuff was important and either your ex takes him to the chorister stuff, or if that's impractical you have him that weekend and your ex the next.
Things on at school shouldn't mean son doesn't get to see dad.
I think children seeing their dad is far more important than a bit of choir stuff, boys in particular benefit from seeing their dad.
It sounds as though you're restricting access unreasonably. He's not just your son, he's your exes as well.
The fact that he was mean to you doesn't mean he will be mean to your son. No parent should have to consider themselves "lucky" to see their children if they haven't abused the children.
Relax the control and try to be positive about your ex to your son. He's his main male role model. It's good for sons to feel positive about their dads.

Actually I see your ex has him every weekend from sat to sunday. If he's at boarding school when do you see him? Is the problem that you're not seeing him enough so are grabbing some of ex's time without discussing it?
I still think it shouldn't be up to you to decide to cancel his weekend if he has choir practice. You moaned when he wanted to have your son on a Friday without discussing it in advance. It's up to your ex to see if he can incorporate this into his weekend with your son and if not to ask you if you could have your son that weekend. If he's able to see your son on a weekday I presume he's not that far away so could cope with ferrying him to and from choir stuff.

No, my ds is a dayboy so with me all week. e have now come to an agreement that maintenance is payed by standing order and he has him every weekend.

Only read OP, but sounds like he just wants to spend time with his son and you are being difficult

have to agree. your ex wasn't the one who was being horrible in this scenario you were

That is so far from the truth mayorquimby and Disenchanted3. I ended up being treated like dirt in our relationship and he was violent towards me so is it surprising. He is a very diffilcult and nasty man and a bully. I turned the other cheek day in , day out when we were together. He treated me badly and i had to get him arrested at one point after we split up. He was charged with ABH . Is it surprising i am seizing control somewhat. He is NOT going to walk over me any more. I am not a doormat . You r last 2 mnetters have clearly no idea what i had to tolerate.

What you had to tolerate shouldn't affect his access to his son though, unless he is being violent towards the boy. Seeing your child shouldn't be some sort of reward for good behaviour.

How would we

How are we suppost to know your whole life history from 1 post

In your OP it seems he tried repeatedly to arrange to see his son, you kept saying 'no' to each request.

Then you say he can't see his son because of money.

maltesers, you've had a bit of a hard time here and know where you are coming from. I've made posts on a similar issue and had the same type of response and understand that you must feel frustrated and hurt - but do remember it's difficult to get the whole picture from one post and that's what people are going on.

I know you are in a complex situation and these things aren't black and white.

Anyway, I think the agreement you have reached about the standing order is a good idea. My XP can be (and has been) very difficult to deal with and I found that keeping contact neutral is the best way to deal with things - emails and texts are the best medium for me as I get verbally flustered. Also, do not respond to any provocation.

As you've found discussions quickly escalate into rows because the situation is so charged.

Also just a suggestion but you might find more helpful/practical responses in the lone parents section where people are more aware of the stress and difficulties in this kind of situation.

Good luck.

why would i be expected to know the history of your relationship based on one post. which involved you changing his access to his son without telling either him or his son, then turn him down twice more in the week when he does try to fit in some time with his son that he missed out on because you made a decision without any consultation and then got in an argument about maintenance and said he couldn't see his son when he didn't pay up?

in fact the specific reason why i used the phrase "in this scenario" because you have given a once off and i'm used to these threads turning if you disagree with someone and then they add new information.