Am I just being really vain?

[Jazzicatz]

Dp have been going through loads of problems for many months now, some of which I have posted about on here. We have got to the point where we were seriously considering splitting up, but for the sake of our gorgeous boys we decided to give it one last go.
I have been trying to do other things to bring back some self esteem, one of which is attending a local gym to try and lose some weight and tone up. I am not massively overweight but my tummy is stretched and flabby and whatever exercise I do it won't spring back into the flat toned tummy I once had.
We don't share a bedroom, but this morning I decided to walk into his room naked , hoping he would have something nice to say about my body, he just said that 'yeah it looks alright, but you still need to gat rid of that tummy' I was a bit and but I said that some women just don't especially after big babies, and he started mimicing me and saying that all the ones he knows have and that I need to work harder!
Its just very hurtful especially as he weighs about twenty stone and hardly in shape, at least I am making a real effort.
Am I just being really vain expecting him to say wow you really look as if you are making an effort, rather than the response I got?

from what i can see from your photo you look fab my belly will never be what it was bfc but im excepting that now and make the most of what i have

maybe the real problem here is his own insecurities if he builds your esteem you'll more likely leave as you'll have the confidence to realise you could do better

as you really are attractive and your figure will be fine too your just believing the words of an insecure man

if you want to leave then leave all his fdoing in the meantime is bringing you further down he will do this so you dont leave you'll feel no one else will want you when he sees his lucky to have you and he knows this and is afraid of you having the confidence to leave

dont seek him out for approval if your exercising do it for yourself if you feel good dont seek him for the nod of the head his not going out of his way to change his not seeking you out for approval his not making effort to show your loved

so you do it for yourself now it takes 2 people to make it work only 1 of you at the moment is trying so it shows his commitment to make it work isnt there you cant make someone like you , you cant expect someone else to make you feel better and his not going to his happy with you feeling crap as you'll stay

i wish you all the luck just remember you look great and you can build your own confidence back up and to start you need to stop hoping he'll give you that it comes from within and his opinion doesnt count if he loved you he would love you regardless

my body isnt what it was my dp loves me and my baby belly as i call it he compliments me and never puts me down and if my belly did put him off his never once said it or made it shown

Ditto here.

My exh (slim but no oil painting) did the same with me - constantly made me feel as I though I was repulsive and refused to have sex with me!!

I could have commented on certain aspects of his body but wouldn't have dreamt about it.

Seriously would you ever comment on some aspect of him in such a horrible way.

Nearly three years on from split have had the best sex ever - with one partner for nearly two years - no comment was ever made by him about my body other than positive and current p - actively likes curvy women.

I know what it's like when your self esteem is on the floor. When we split I actively took steps to boost mine and it paid off big time!!

I also vowed never again to 'collude' in negative body talk - ie by asking a man what he thought of my body.

Listen to the lovely mnetters - we aren't wrong

What a complete and utter w*nker. I've just looked at your profile pics, and you're gorgeous.

I don't care how heavy he is, it's a really nasty, crass and downright outrageous thing to say anyway, particularly from someone who could do with shedding a few stone himself.

lostinthecitylover, i agree about colluding with negative body talk..., i'd never ask a man what he thought of my body. Me and my body are one and the same and i'd never say to anybody what don't you like about me???

Also, I'm not a model type but I conceived easily had two uncomplicated pregnancies, gave birth safely, breastfed and I'm fit and healthy. The idea of inviting somebody to criticise the body that's worked very well for me and never let me down iykwim!!! That's crazy and so many women go down that path...

Well, looking at your pictures I think you look lovely. You are very attractive but it is clear you have issues with you self esteem becase your caption says "Me looking my usual rough self". You don't look rough I promise and it sounds like your DH is at the root of this self esteem issue. Please don't believe him. I actually think he may be jealous of you. If he is 20 stone he may want you to have low self esteem so you never want to look elsewhere. He is probably very aware of his own shortcomings and says things like this to make him feel better

PS - your kids are gorgeous too - I take it they got their looks from their mother

jazzi - he is talking about himself and his own fears about his inadequacies. He wishes to make you feel as bad about yourself as he does about himself. Stupid and immature, but that is what you are facing. What you do about it is up to you obv. but his utter lack of respect in mimicking you is something I wouldn't put up with from a female partner.

and, yes you are incredibly pretty, and highly fanciable!!

Improving your bod "to please" dh is pointless - without him respecting you for who you are it will be an endless unhappy effort and you will be destined to never please him. He will find something else to criticise you for.

ah, x-posts with notalone, but same message? You are not the prb. here. dh is attacking you rather than doing something about himself.

jazzi, i was in similar situation a few years ago. this isnt about how you look but about he himself feels about himself and his issues. youare simply the punchbag
do lose weight, and take care ofyourself re grooming etcc. but do it for you, and with the side extra which may or maybot happen, of him fancying you. b ut make sure the reason you do it is you.

for men like this, the best revenge, is to look fabulous, and this is the important part, not give a toss about their opinion, and let them know that you dont need their opinion to know that you are fabulous and fanciable. iyswim

You have all been so lovely - thanks for all your comments. I think you are probably right that he is transferring his own negativity onto me, just wish I was strong enough to accept it.
You are right in the fact I shouldn't invite him to pass comment, but I feel so unattractive and unfeminine due to him not paying me any attention and not wanting to ever have sex or even cuddle - I just feel hideous. Maybe I was just hoping he would say something nice for once!

jazzi, i have been in EXACTLY the same situation. i managed to lose wieithg, andmade some friends with whom i could go out, and know they would all come home safely with me and not judge what we did etc and went out dancing with them. i got sooooo much male attention, it was unbelievable. di d the world of good for my ego. and dh noticed the difference in my attitude too.

you dont need to lose weight, but you need to put yourself in a position where youdont need his assurances for your self esteem. my way of doing so may not be right for you. but you need to work out a way that suits you, and thus bolster your own self esteem.
good luck

Thanks all you have given me lots to think about.

what a prat!
He can probably see what an effort you are making and how great you are looking and would rather put you down and make you feel like you have to work harder, than admit that he is the one who needs to work at himself.
Maybe het puts you down so that you dont think you are better than him and leave... although clearly you are!

In my perfect world I do not believe it is ever necessary to make such a comment as this. The only time you should ever need to comment on someone elses physical appearance is if you are worried for their health, otherwise it is totally unnecessary. He wanted to make you feel like crap pure and simple and it worked didn't it? He sounds really nasty. Also sounds like he doesn't want you getting too confident and deciding that you don't want to stick around with a 20 stone fatty like him! Probably sees how much more confident you are feeling due to going to the gym and decided to squash it right out of you with his nasty comment.

I put on nearly 4 stone with both of my pregnancies and each time managed to lose all of it. So over a period of 5 years I have actually lost nearly 9 stone altogether. All my x could ever say to me though was that I would be great when I "toned up" and then a couple of times during arguments told me I had "bingo wings". I never wear vest tops now as I feel too self conscious. Lovely these men aren't they?

jazzi, you look very fanciable to me

kinda dark, mysterious, quizzical and deeeeep.......

just because he can't find it in himself to compliment you doesn't mean no-one else will

it is time I think for you to have a serious think

stay with a man who thinks it is ok to belittle you, so he can feel better?

for the children? They can still see him (sad fuck that he is)

make sure you don't waste your life, do you want to be here in 20-30 yrs time?

you are plenty young enough to start again, and even if it takes a while to hook up with someone else, you are fab and don't need that kinda millstone round your neck

have a serious talk with him, if you feel he really doesn't get where you are coming from, I would say you should bail, kids or no kids

my dh still manages to make me feel wanted, 20 yrs on

if he didn't, I would find someone who did

Absolutely Anyfucker. Words of wisdom there. My x criticised me and undermined me ALLLLLL the time.

I almost just accepted that. Thank goodness I just walked into my alternative parallel universe one day. Hope that makes sense.