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Original poster

Am I just being really vain?

65 replies

Jazzicatz · 09/05/2009 11:08

Dp have been going through loads of problems for many months now, some of which I have posted about on here. We have got to the point where we were seriously considering splitting up, but for the sake of our gorgeous boys we decided to give it one last go.
I have been trying to do other things to bring back some self esteem, one of which is attending a local gym to try and lose some weight and tone up. I am not massively overweight but my tummy is stretched and flabby and whatever exercise I do it won't spring back into the flat toned tummy I once had.
We don't share a bedroom, but this morning I decided to walk into his room naked , hoping he would have something nice to say about my body, he just said that 'yeah it looks alright, but you still need to gat rid of that tummy' I was a bit and but I said that some women just don't especially after big babies, and he started mimicing me and saying that all the ones he knows have and that I need to work harder!
Its just very hurtful especially as he weighs about twenty stone and hardly in shape, at least I am making a real effort.
Am I just being really vain expecting him to say wow you really look as if you are making an effort, rather than the response I got?

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 09/05/2009 14:41

just looked at your pic - you are beautiful and if that fat arse of a man had any sense he'd be getting himself in shape (physically and attitude wise) bloody quick before you run off with someone who deserves you!

You should tell him that!

Original poster
Jazzicatz · 09/05/2009 14:49

Well this is certainly not the response I expected to hear . You are all being terribly kind.

I think I have just lost all sense of proportion because dp never compliments me, nor tells me I look nice. He only ever seems to point out my bad points both physically and personality. After a wile you start to believe it and internalise it and I think maybe the time has come to stand up to him!! Thank you as ever ladies, you really are all very supportive

OP posts:
mrsboogie · 09/05/2009 15:29

we're not being kind at all - it's plain fact

You got that belly from carrying those two beautiful boys and he should love you and your belly for that reason!

It does sound a case of him magnifying any faults you have in order to deflect himself from acknowledging his own much bigger ones.

FairLadyRantALot · 09/05/2009 15:42

Oh, that man sounds awful and just horrible...please, don't stay with him for the sake of your children....it isn't worth it, you know....he sounds like a right dick, tbh...and I am and for you....

CarGirl · 09/05/2009 15:46

I'm petite but have the twin skin and folds of skin thanks to my huge babies. Dh would never say anything so cruel about my tummy he's just emotional supportive about my and being stuck with it!

MrsMcCluskey · 09/05/2009 15:54

What a pig!
I just checked out your profile pic and you are very attractive ( and intelligent to boot).
DH prob does know this but also knows that by putting you down he can keep you in your place.

If he told you you looked great he knows that would build your self esteem and then yu might leave him for someone far better than him.

Most men are confident enough in themselves to praise their partners up.
Yours is an insecure prick.
Get thee some self help books ot even some counselling.
The world is your oyster!

nkf · 09/05/2009 15:57

He's rude and unpleasant and probably jealous of your good looks. Twenty stone is obscenely fat.

Jux · 09/05/2009 16:02

He's a waste of space. In fact, reading your OP the picture in my head was of the Comic seller in the Simpsons!

Your time has come, I think.

MsMargotBeauregarde · 09/05/2009 16:07

I'm going to flip conventional wisdom on its head, or ask you too.......

Because it depresses me to realise how many couples who have nothing left stay together "for the sake of the children". This is the most tedious and dangerous misconception.

You're NOT doing your children any favours by staying with somebody you don't love. People need to stop deluding themselves that to cling on to an unhappy relationship with crampons is for the children's benefit.

I am just so sick of reading this, I find it personally offensive too. My children have flourished since I left a negative atmosphere. I am so glad for their sakes, as well as my own, that I called time.

MsMargotBeauregarde · 09/05/2009 16:11

PS, I just looked at your photo and you have a lovely face, very attractive and you look approachable, kind and clever. It's also quite clear from the photo that you're slim.

This 20stone albatross has been eroding your confidence for too long!! I'm a single mother of a 7 yr old and a 3 yr old. I feel a lot better about myself than I did 2 yrs ago. Sorry if my earlier post was a bit crisp.

Original poster
Jazzicatz · 09/05/2009 16:15

I agree MsMargot, and I cannot believe those words have emanated from me. I never thought I would stay with someone, and if objectively looking at it, for the sake of the children. But then when I see the relationship the boys have with their dad, they adore him and the thought of taking them away from that is too much to bear. For myself the thought of staying is sad but bearable if I think that the boys will get their dad and extended family also. Its a tough decision

OP posts:
MsMargotBeauregarde · 09/05/2009 16:27

Even being in a dysfunctional relationship can be 'easy' in some respects. Avoiding making a decision, avoiding change...You cruise on auto-pilot.

Splitting up is hard because there are so many awful discussions that are difficult to avoid. Adjustment is hard, but it doesn't go ON being hard.
Would he cut the boys out if you split up?

Children of divorced or separated parents still have a father!! Mine still see their father. Not every day, but we've settled into it. Everybody is happier, even,I suspect, although he'd never admit it, the children's father too!

Laquitar · 09/05/2009 16:27

OP to be honest i would think that the boys dont get a very good example from this man. I mean his attidute seems selfish, cruel, arrogant and sexist - i cant stand this 'as a man i can be 20 stone with beer belly, stink etc but i want my woman perfect. And whenever i feel insecure about my self, because i know she is better than me, i can say smth cruel to knock her confidence'. What message do the boys get? You deserve better. You sound nice woman and you look fantastic.

Jux · 09/05/2009 16:29

MsMargot, "You're NOT doing your children any favours by staying with somebody you don't love."

I agree with you to a great extent, but that statement usually refers to couples who don't get on. What if they do? What if they are perfectly OK together but more like siblings than lovers? (Genuine question, not being bolshy or anything.)

MsMargotBeauregarde · 09/05/2009 16:31

I agree Laquitar, my x's father is a selfish machiavellian misogynist bad-tempered negative bully. His son (my x) is a narcissistic controlling misogynist bully...

It is a relief to me that my x can't exert daily influence on the children.

Laquitar · 09/05/2009 16:34

Yes I am glad you broke the circle MsMargot

FairLadyRantALot · 09/05/2009 16:37

Jux...I think that is a se[erate issue, though....if you ae more like friends, than you still have a great bond and respect for eachother....so, the Kids would still get a good rolemodel, iykwim...
doesn't seem to be the case with OP though....

mrsboogie · 09/05/2009 16:40

your boys would not have to lose their father or the extended family. You could live close by and let him see them as much as he/they want.

You don't have to totally subjugate your own life and happiness for your family. Yes, the kids come first of course, but there's got to be something for you.

Kids get f*cked up by divorce when their needs are forgotten or they are used as weapons between warring parents or when they are allowed to feel to blame for the split. But if it is handled correctly and the kids are always top priority then it doesn't have to be a disaster. They would adjust, as long as you both love them and are there for them.

Jux · 09/05/2009 16:45

No it isn't the case with Jazzicatz, more's the pity. Thanks for answering my q, and sorry JC for hijack.

Hope you're OK.

MsMargotBeauregarde · 09/05/2009 17:00

Jux, I see what you mean. In fact I think a lot of couples like that split up when the 'children' are about 18 and the 'children' get a huge shock! I'm not sure it's not better to do it when children are young.

I have friends whose parents split up when they were young adults, and they weren't spared the details, they understood the frustrations and anger and injustices and so on. Understanding it all made it harder.

BalloonSlayer · 09/05/2009 17:10

Next time, ask him if Diet Coke ever got back to him about the advert. . .

Laquitar · 09/05/2009 17:11

Baloon

lou33 · 09/05/2009 17:13

jazzi, i was told that after 4 kids and being a size 10 (he had put on about 4 stone but that was allowed apparently)

i left him

best thing i ever did, even tho he still tries to cause me grief

dizietsma · 09/05/2009 17:15

What a prick!

If I'm honest, I have never been so overweight since DD was born and I was no Kate Moss before. After DD it all went to hell and I'm struggling with my weight.

But DH adores me and my body just as much now as pre-baby. Because he loves and respects me, for me, I never hear anything remotely like that awful comment your husband made about you. You deserve FAR better.

dizietsma · 09/05/2009 17:16

Just looked at your profile, you're beautiful!

Ditch him and find someone who'll actually appreciate you.