Not sure what to do. Have pulled the plug on dh's dream and don't know if he can forgive me

[Cloudspotter]

I have a lovely dh. Sometimes there are problems like anyone else married, but generally I think we are quite well suited. He is usually kind and hardworking and I really care about him.

To cut a long story short, he feels I have betrayed him by going along with a dream of his to buy a second home and pulling out at the last minute. We live in a flat, and I would rather move into a bigger place, but I have got carried along with the plan.

We had always talked vaguely about the option of getting a place in the country, and because we can't afford a bigger place in London, the conclusion had been that we could buy a small place elsewhere.

I have admittedly encouraged that dream to the point where we were in the process of buying a place that we had both fallen in love with.

It was a fabulous house, but I think we need to re-look at the option of moving in the area to give ourselves more space to live in. Our dc are aged 3 and 5 and share a room. I think they will need to spread out as they get older.

I also grew up in a very small, cramped environment and I did want better for them.

I have had doubts right from the start, and lots of the facts have changed since then. For example, we could have afforded to extend the girls bedroom at home, but then that changed and would have to wait 3 years. We have had to really scrimp and save, and I have been overloaded with extra tasks at work to do with buying the house - at a time where I can not afford to be shirking.

Only now have I actually got up the courage to admit that I can't go through with the holiday home. I was determined to see it through regardless, but I can't do something so irresponsible. My job is iffy at best, and I am terrified we will go bankrupt.

Now he wants to do separate money and says nothing will ever be the same again. He obviously wants to hurt me back for the perceived hurt he feels, but I actually didn't intend to hurt him.

What a mess

He is very very hurt, disappointed, and I am absolutely gutted that I have done this to him. He says it was really wrong of me to be so committed then change my mind, but I genuinely have changed my mind.

Can you tell him what you have told us?

Gosh, it was very wrong of you to go along with it if you had your doubts from the strt, as you say.

Your poor DH.

OP - how long ago did this happen? He will inevitably need some time to come to terms with the disappointment.

Er, today. I didn't have doubts from the start, I genuinely was prepared to do it. But since then lots of things have changed.

My sympathies lie with your DH. To have your dreams snatched away from you when you are so close to achieving them is so very hard to swallow.
Perhaps if you sit down and talk to him about your worries both financially and in terms of space for your DD's he may see where your concerns lie.
But the way it stands l can fully understand his reaction.

Well, he'll definitely need more time than a day!

You have good resons for having a change of heart. All you can do explain your reasons and then give him some time so he can think it through himself.

I wouldnt take the "things will never be the same again " line to heart - he is just hurt and disappointed. I think he'll come round.

I am contradicting myself.

I suppose I would always have doubts about any big decision. But I really did have the same vision about the whole thing. I was committed. THe things that have changed are:

• previously the tax treatment was favourable, and in the budget the govmt changed that.

• the mortgage we can get only allows us to let it for 18 weeks rather than the full year (or as much of it as we can).

• this affects the financial viability of it.

• i didn't realise we would have to scrimp and save so massively to survive financially if we bought it - he said we wouldn't have to change our lifestyle - which is very modest to start with.

• I have been hassled all week by him to do the admin side of applying for the mortgage, and I realised I can't cope with all the lettings etc. I have a hard enough job just keeping the family together. Today dd went to school without a lunch because I forgot to buy bread. I am overloaded already.

I wasn't deliberately leading him on, although I really appreciate your insight into it. I realise I need to understand his viewpoint.

The other thing was that we agreed to extend the girls bedroom if we stayed in the flat. Then it turned out we can't afford to do that for 3 years.

It just got to the point where there were too many reasons going against it. He is right that I have known all these things for a week, but it is only now I have had the heart to confront it.

Because I knew he would react like this....

I feel sorry for both of you.

It's hard for him to have his dream shattered but your reasons are sound and, laid out as you have here, are irrefutable. He will see that in time.

I know metella. I know it is hard, and that is one reason I have gone along with it for so long since the initial things started to go wrong. But I feel I can't allow our family to make the wrong decision long term and commit ourselves to something just based on the fact that I can't let him down.

This feels rather similar to a position I am in with dp. We started our own business about a year ago with the business plan running for 3 years - after the 3 years were up, we would have cleared all debts and be starting to make money. However, a year in, dp has changed his mind, applied for and got another job and the business is going on hold with initial outlay not fully recovered!

I feel a bit like your dh - rather aggrieved at the unexpected change of plan. However, he has good reasons for it (recession, it's his dream job etc) and I have had to come to terms with it in time. I hope your dh will too, although something really fundamental to your lives like this will really take a lot of discussion to get round.

If your dh could have helped more practically with the admin side, do you think you would still have turned against it?

I think you are doing the right thing, and it doesn't sound as you have actually had all that long to come to a decision if you say 'He is right that I have known all these things for a week'

I hope he comes to term with it, nothing precludes you from going for his dream a few years down the road, when you feel your job is more secure and you have extended your home to give your girls more space etc.

Parmageddon, poor you. It is really hard isn't it?

I was getting lots of emails every day hassling me to do something or other. He was also constantly having a go at me about something. It felt as though the reality behind the dream was actually a nightmare.

All I could picture was me having to be on the phone all the time to deal with lettings, me photocopying endless stuff. Him hassling me about things I would forget.

Us having to go back to the breadline to afford it. Let's get this straight, even with lettings it was going to be quite a substantial loss maker, with a lot of work even needed to get it off the ground at all.

I think I have accepted that I am not a go getter who will ever run my own business. I am not organised, I am not driven. I am laid back and I don't want the hassle. I don't want to be rich, I don't want to be special.

I just want as easy a life as possible. If he had shown signs of doing all the work, maybe. But it just wasn't working out that way.

The crux came when dd needed summer school uniform and he wanted me to wait till payday. All her classmates are wearing it and I just felt like it was selfish of us to put other things first. We haven't in very recent years had to worry that much about stuff like that. But it is not long enough ago for me to forget how much I hated being on the breadline. Obviously - anyone would. And despite him saying it would turn a profit in 3 years, I couldn't see any evidence that it would.

I'm sure you've done the right thing Cloudspotter and your DH will come round given time.

You are realistic. In time he will thank you for it.

You need to tell him the reasons the way you have told us.

Also, I wanted to buy a second home. My father said the following: "For the cost of owning a second property, which apart from mortgage repayments, will be maintenance, insurance and council tax, you can rent a holiday home for weeks each summer, and still come up on the plus side."

It makes a lot of sense.

Cloudspotter, you have to hold on to the fact that your decision is right however hard it is for him.

you should have told him sooner.

i am often on the receiving end of this from DP who goes along with things to keep me happy and then pulls out at the last minute.
it's pretty soul-destroying actually.

I agree.

Earlier today I arranged for his sister to look after our dc and I am going to treat him to a really nice weekend away somewhere special for his birthday in a week's time.

Thank you all so much. Your comments and advice have taken the one-sidedness out of it. I am going to sit down with him and talk seriously. Explain that I really do care that he is so disappointed. Say it is not 'never', just not 'now'. I have to give him the time and space to get over it.

We really had got ourselves carried away with the excitement and the emotion of it all. I suppose I felt I needed to pop the bubble, hard though it was.

I will go out and buy something nice for dinner.

don't get me wrong, i am not saying you should necessarily go through with it if you truly think it's the wrong thing to do.

but not saying anything because you knew it would upset him.... that's wrong

Cloudspotter - I hope you have a nice dinner and a good time on his birthday, I'm sure it will work out.

thisisyesterday, thanks for your comments. I didn't really go along with it as such, I was on board with the decision. It's just that things changed so much and I could see that he was desperately holding on to the dream at any cost.

I have tried to throw common sense out of the window and keep committed to the same decision we made, but in the end I just couldn't.

It does help to understand how people feel on the other end of this though. It must feel bewildering when you think everythign is ok and the other person suddenly changes.

I am prone to sudden changes of mind.

I think you are being realistic and putting your children and sanity 1st Cloudspotter. I can't actually muster much sympathy for your DH either as it seems like he is somewhat single-minded at the expense of you and the DCs. He wasn't making it all happen either - he was expecting you to do a lot. What was the 2nd home for exactly? Occasional holidays or to go to every weekend? If just holidays then your dad is absolutely right - would be much cheaper to hire places for lengthy / short breaks and not have to carry all the overheads and mortgage.

We nearly bought a 'holiday' home which we would also rent out. Luckily, we did the figures really really thoroughly and found that it would actually cost us far more than it looks like at first, and that it is far more work.

In order to make money (or even break even) on it we would not be able to use it as a holiday home at all, we would have to rent it out for 5 months. Even then, we would have to put a lot of money in to make it good enough to charge what we saw as a reasonable amount, which would cover the costs of running it. We would only be able to visit in winter and off season.

We decided not to go ahead. There are all sorts of other things to do with holiday lets. You have to get people out by a certain time and someone has to go in and clean everything and get it ready for the people coming in tomorrow (or later today). You have to really trust that person to do it, and do it properly and be completely reliable. That's the least of it.

You've made the right decision. Your dh is understandably upset. Once you have laid out your case, and made it clear that it's not a 'forever' decision, stepped back and given him a bit of time to digest the reality, he will, I'm sure, come round.

I feel sorry for your DH, but I understand your reasoning, you sound quite sensible to me. He will get over it, but don't promise him anything in the near future to make him feel better. Just tell him maybe when DC's are older and things are stable. My opinion is that it's fallen through because it wasn't the right time, he will get his dream eventually. Good luck, I hope he calms down and enjoys his birthday.

You did the right thing. Dad had a holiday home for 20 yrs. It just about paid for itself - just. Basically it meant that the family could have free holiday accomodation a few times a year. And the hassle!

Very sad for DH but you did the right thing,