Not sure what to do. Have pulled the plug on dh's dream and don't know if he can forgive me

[Cloudspotter]

I have a lovely dh. Sometimes there are problems like anyone else married, but generally I think we are quite well suited. He is usually kind and hardworking and I really care about him.

To cut a long story short, he feels I have betrayed him by going along with a dream of his to buy a second home and pulling out at the last minute. We live in a flat, and I would rather move into a bigger place, but I have got carried along with the plan.

We had always talked vaguely about the option of getting a place in the country, and because we can't afford a bigger place in London, the conclusion had been that we could buy a small place elsewhere.

I have admittedly encouraged that dream to the point where we were in the process of buying a place that we had both fallen in love with.

It was a fabulous house, but I think we need to re-look at the option of moving in the area to give ourselves more space to live in. Our dc are aged 3 and 5 and share a room. I think they will need to spread out as they get older.

I also grew up in a very small, cramped environment and I did want better for them.

I have had doubts right from the start, and lots of the facts have changed since then. For example, we could have afforded to extend the girls bedroom at home, but then that changed and would have to wait 3 years. We have had to really scrimp and save, and I have been overloaded with extra tasks at work to do with buying the house - at a time where I can not afford to be shirking.

Only now have I actually got up the courage to admit that I can't go through with the holiday home. I was determined to see it through regardless, but I can't do something so irresponsible. My job is iffy at best, and I am terrified we will go bankrupt.

Now he wants to do separate money and says nothing will ever be the same again. He obviously wants to hurt me back for the perceived hurt he feels, but I actually didn't intend to hurt him.

What a mess

He is very very hurt, disappointed, and I am absolutely gutted that I have done this to him. He says it was really wrong of me to be so committed then change my mind, but I genuinely have changed my mind.

Why, if it was his dream, were you doing all the work? It sounds like your DH needed a reality check.

So your dh, carried away by the romance of it all, has let you do all the hard work re paperwork/mortgage at a time where you need to protect your own job and is now cross you've put the brake on what sounds like a fool-hardy plan that would have been to the detriment of your family? You have all my sympathy and he should be thanking you, not sulking.

Holiday homes are a horrible idea. You can get a nice holiday in a different place every year and not have any hassle of renting out/maintaining properties that are miles from home.

Cloudspotter, I can sort of see things from yor DH's side. We (I thought jointly) agreed to emigrate to NZ, we were accepted but couldn't sell the house, then DH said that he had never wanted to go in the first place (after over a year and lots of expense). I was devastated but when I look back I could see that it was my dream which DH sort of fancied the thought of but didn't really want the reality of. He hadn't wanted to upset me all the way through medicals etc as he could see how excited I was. That made me more mad as we had gone through so much and spent such a lot in the process.
Thank the lord that we couldn't sell the house really.
Your DH will come round, his dream is shattered and it seems that you are responsible, but you are not, you are just the sensible one pointing out the pitfalls and making good sense imo.
Have a nice dinner

Oh, thank you all so much for your fantastic advice. We are still deep in discussion about it all. I postponed the nice dinner till today because I think it was just too raw and awkward yesterday.

I have done a spreadsheet where I worked out the large losses we would make and showed it to him, but this isn't really making him reconsider the decision.

I have said we can come back to the idea in a couple of years. He says he is hurt that I discussed it with other people rather than him, and presented him with the decision. This is fair enough in a way, but of course he still isn't listening to me so I had to be the one to decide.