Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

feeling like an heir machine: does it ever stop?

50 replies

sophieMatilda · 08/05/2009 18:31

I'm reluctantly TTC and wondering if it's worth it. Am in a nice stable relationship with nice stable bloke who shares almost none of my interests, has little to say that interests me, but who clearly loves me and desperately wants kids... I'm not sure why (have asked him, he just says "because it's what you do" or "they're our hope for the future" or something equally meaningless). His parents are desperately keen on me - they're nice enough FWIW - but there feels immense pressure to produce an acceptable heir + spare for his bloody great family, and basically no interest in me as anything other than a breeder and childminder... fromm him or from anyone else.

We have both had a string of crap relationships in the past, everyone thinks we're ideally suited (and have done for all the 6 years we've been together), and time is getting on, so if I'm going to have kids I'd better do it soon. I'm chronically depressed, nothing seems to work; I'm doing my best to be positive about things. My career is crap, so it makes sense for me to exit gracefully from the job market.
We go for months without spending any time together (we do live in the same house, but he thinks best at night and i think best in the morning, so we work different hours). Sex is hopeless, not that it's ever been any good, but is also stupidly infrequent if we are ttc.

I'm sure most of my negativity about the situation comes from me being depressed, but has anyone out there got anything positive to say about falling in love with your kids when they arrive, loving motherhood more than your failed career, etc...? Help!

OP posts:

brimfull · 08/05/2009 18:33

jeez you need to get our head and relationship sorted before you think about kids

have you tried anti-depressants?

BoysAreLikeDogs · 08/05/2009 18:36

No mention of love in your post until the very end.

My honest opinion?

Please don't have children with this man, it won't be fair on anyone; why does having a child preclude one from work; and finally depression can really skew one's outlook - get that sorted first whatever you decide to do

LilRedWG · 08/05/2009 18:36

Have you tried couple's counselling? Because I do think you need to get your relationship sorted before you even think of children. In your post you don't sound as if you even like your bloke, let alone want children with him.

Sorry if I'm way off mark, I don't mean any offence at all, but that is really how it sounds to me.

Northernlurker · 08/05/2009 18:36

I think it's possible to love your kids whilst loathing your situation. Frankly imo it is madness to have a child with a man you don't love, to knowingly conceive a child in a family situation that you don't want and to be attempting to see motherhood as some sort of career consolation prize.

I think you need to get out of there now - there is so much more to life than what you currently have.

LilRedWG · 08/05/2009 18:37

I agree that you need to get your depression treated too. Believe me, depression and small children DO NOT go well together!

Original poster

sophieMatilda · 08/05/2009 18:39

I've been on and off antidepressants for the last 15 years, had CBT, been to counsellors, considered ECT, etc. Had to decide to get on with life or life would pass me by as I sat waiting in the psychologist's waiting room. If no kids soon that will be the end of the possibility of kids, and the end of the relationship too probably as he will go off and find someone else (at his parents' behest) to produce heirs. What I have is vastly better than what a lot of people have... i know I'm incredibly lucky - but just wish I could muster sufficient enthusiasm and not loathe it all so much...

OP posts:

dustbuster · 08/05/2009 18:43

Poor you, you sound very sad.

Northernlurker is right, there is so much more to life than what you have right now. You deserve to be in a relationship with someone you have things in common with, and who does not see you as a baby machine.

There are wonderful things about having children, but in my opinion, you need to be in the right place with yourself and your life first.

Good luck.

FabulousBakerGirl · 08/05/2009 18:45

Let me tell you something.

I have children with the most amazing man in the world who loves me very much and me him, but it is very hard to be parents.

Don't have kids with someone who doesn't make you happy. It isn't fair on anyone or the baby and having a child makes everything a lot harder.

brimfull · 08/05/2009 18:47

Is it the relationship that is making you miserable?

LilRedWG · 08/05/2009 18:47

Do not stay with him just because you think you have no chance without him.

Get out there, enjoy life and you will meet the right man for you. Whether children are a part of a relationship should not be dependent on anyone else but the two of you.

As for it being 'too late' if you don't have children now, well, you can always adopt at an older age.

Northernlurker · 08/05/2009 18:47

Sophie - having children is not obligatory. If it's not what you want you don't have to do it - and a man who places the future of your relationship on the toss of that particular coin is not imo a man who is going to get you through the next 1/2 century.

I work in a hospital and this week I've seen two married couples caring for one another as they approach the end of their lives together. The love that's there is overwhelmingly and it's what has got them through the past and that will light their lives to the end.You cannot let yourself go through life 'loathing' something - this is not what you deserve in a partnership. Please - don't keep up with this because you think you should, or it's what other people think you should do, or you think you're not worth anything more. I am 100% sure that you do deserve something more extraordinary than this!

LilRedWG · 08/05/2009 18:48

FabulousBakerGirl has hit it on the head!

warthog · 08/05/2009 18:53

i honestly don't think this guy is for you. it's not enough for him to clearly adore you but not spend any time with you. i'm not surprised you feel like a baby machine.

i think maybe you should take a big risk and just have a trial separation for a couple of months and see how you feel. and see how he reacts too. i think you'll find out a lot.

because the alternative of being tied to this man and his family for the next 50 years doesn't seem the fill you with joy. sounds to me like you're settling which is Not A Good Thing in my book.

warthog · 08/05/2009 18:54

oh yes - feeling like an heir machine, will it ever stop? no - because that's how he and his family are treating you.

your kids will fill you with joy and the love you'll feel for them will be beyond anything you can imagine. but that won't change the fact that his family see you as fulfilling a role, and don't see you - the person.

Overmydeadbody · 08/05/2009 19:09

Please don't have children unless you absolutely want them, and want them with your partner. You don't sound convinved. It's hard enough bringing up children, mix depression into the mix and it's even harder, mix being a single mum into it and it's even harder still.

Don't TTC just because everyone is putting pressur on you to.

mrsboogie · 08/05/2009 19:23

jesus, your post is like a lesson in when not to get pregnant. Its hard to tell whether your mental health is poisoning your relationship or the other way round but if you think things are bad now - you will not believe how bad they will get if you have a baby in this situation with this man.

Like another poster above I have just had a baby with a man I do love and who I am very happy with but oh my god it has been hard. Wonderful, blessed, very lucky but such hard work, so tiring, there's no escape for the first six months.

Sort your head out, sort your relationship out, sort your work situation out, decide whether you actually want to be a mother, decide whether you want to be responsible for every aspect of his child's life for the next 20 years, decide whether you can cope with his parents constant presence in it all, do ALL of this before you even think about ttc.

smallorange · 08/05/2009 19:27

Absolutely agree with everyone - babies do not 'fix' a relationship.

Podrick · 08/05/2009 19:29

Blimey you are not in a good place right now. TBH you sound unhappy now and I would expect that having children is likely to make things a whole lot worse. Your reasons for doing what you do are not the sort of reasons that result in happiness imo.

Please start doing some things for yourself that make you happy and that you enjoy.

Colinfirth · 08/05/2009 20:45

How old are you, OP? I wonder if you think you have less time than you actually do.

beanieb · 08/05/2009 20:51

Agree with a lot of what's been said apart from "As for it being 'too late' if you don't have children now, well, you can always adopt at an older age"

it's not easy to adopt so don't bank on it being a fallback.

ConstantlyWritingThankYouCards · 08/05/2009 21:36

Babies are such such hard work. If anything will split a couple who are having problems up it'll be adding a baby to the mix. (IMO)

Leave. Sort yourself out. I think you'd be better having a baby alone than in this situation. At least you wouldn't feel liek an incubator!

sayithowitis · 08/05/2009 22:17

Babies are not a type superglue that can hld together a relationship that to be honest, doesn't sound as though it was ever in mint condition to begin with. You sound resentful of the type of relationship you have with this man and frankly, a baby , in my opinion, would be like a demolition ball for whatever relationship you have with him.

You don't say that you love him, either now or in the past. Being a parent is difficult enough anyway even in a solid and loving partnership, without the added pressures of a relationship that is rocky to say the least.

It doesn't sound as though this is the relationship for you and I would seriously be considering my options. Children are not obligatory. If you are going to have them, it is best if you actually want them and it doesn't sound to me, that you really do.

for you.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 08/05/2009 22:22

Neither couplehood nor children are obligatory, and 'settling' for a man who doesn't hit you or leech off you financially is such an utter waste of your life. What do you want to do? What do you enjoy doing most? Dump the boring bloke and go and find out.

theDreadPirateDavina · 08/05/2009 22:28

It sounds like you have nothing to tie you to your current life. Why not run away and join a circus instead? Or volunteer in a refugee camp? Or see how far you can get across Europe/America/Africa etc on your own?

Don't have kids with this man. Don't stay with this man if you don't love him, don't stay with your job if you don't love it.

Once you have kids, you can never run away to join a circus, unless you take them with. So now's the time to find out what you want from your life.

Kids are wonderful. And bloody hard work. And deserve much more than to be bred for inheritance purposes.

solidgoldSneezeLikeApig · 08/05/2009 22:29

BTW don't feel bad about dumping Mr Boring. It's unlikely he 'loves' you that much: he probably is happy to put up with you as you are clean, housetrained and have a pulse, and any similar woman will do him and his family just as well.
So it's time to stop worrying about what other people think and want, and work on what you want.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread