feeling like an heir machine: does it ever stop?

[sophieMatilda]

I'm reluctantly TTC and wondering if it's worth it. Am in a nice stable relationship with nice stable bloke who shares almost none of my interests, has little to say that interests me, but who clearly loves me and desperately wants kids... I'm not sure why (have asked him, he just says "because it's what you do" or "they're our hope for the future" or something equally meaningless). His parents are desperately keen on me - they're nice enough FWIW - but there feels immense pressure to produce an acceptable heir + spare for his bloody great family, and basically no interest in me as anything other than a breeder and childminder... fromm him or from anyone else.

We have both had a string of crap relationships in the past, everyone thinks we're ideally suited (and have done for all the 6 years we've been together), and time is getting on, so if I'm going to have kids I'd better do it soon. I'm chronically depressed, nothing seems to work; I'm doing my best to be positive about things. My career is crap, so it makes sense for me to exit gracefully from the job market.
We go for months without spending any time together (we do live in the same house, but he thinks best at night and i think best in the morning, so we work different hours). Sex is hopeless, not that it's ever been any good, but is also stupidly infrequent if we are ttc.

I'm sure most of my negativity about the situation comes from me being depressed, but has anyone out there got anything positive to say about falling in love with your kids when they arrive, loving motherhood more than your failed career, etc...? Help!

feeling as you do now isnt time to TTC.you need to addreess the various fraught issues you raise

perhaps your depression is clouding your self judgement and appraisal of him

don't have kids with someone you find dull and with whom the sex is crap

this is not a him or you issue,more a we issue

you both don't discuss your feelings
not enough quality time together
sex feels mechanistic for sole procreation

you should not abdicate responsibility for your career misgivings and assume all you can/should do is have babies

things aren't gone your way.what are you going to do.slight digression to assert it's all about the heirs - ehhh what about you (if you feel this isn't right you need to have the gumption/volition to decline

you are dishonest to him,you don't reveal your feelings or fact that you don't quite fancy this motherhood lark.

6years and you both still faffing about.you unable to say what on your mind?

do him a favour
do your self a favour
honestly reflect upon what it is you want

if you chose not to be mother to his children ecause of misgivings - fair enough

shame some people asser themanis a git dump him.maybe

you maybe haven't been straight either
settling for Mr NotQuiteRight isn't fair
to either of you

thanks for replies chaps. I think i knew what your were going to say

The moment you hold your first baby in your arms for the first time is amazingly incredible and many women feel the purest love they will ever know. But it doesn't always happen immediately and sometimes in very sad cases it never happens. Its especially sad because you need that love to get you through the coming years of bringing up your child.
In your situation i would not do it: it is not fair on anyone to bring a baby into your relationship as it stands right now and you sound so depressed that it could get in the way of that early crucial bonding.
Do have children one day but only with the right man and for the right reasons, not to escape a sense of failure or to cement an ailing relationship.

Your OP is terribly sad, because it reads as a life that's just a half life - or maybe even less than that.
You sound dreadfully depressed. It's also clear that any possible changes to your life are driven by negatives, rather than positives eg you are thinking about having children because 'it's the done thing' or because 'his parents expect it'. You are thinking of becoming a parent partly because you don't like your job - so you'd be exchanging an unhappy work life for parenting. IME, any major life changes really need to be driven by positives. If you are just looking for ways out to escape current unhappiness, you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment.

Sorry, I don't feel there is much that's positive to say. But at least you recognise that this is a hopeless situation and that's the start of doing something to change it.

Being a parent is a massive responsibility and not what most people(mums)expect at all...

Do you honestly think you'd stay together through and past the cracks that sleep deprivation and heated conversations about MMR's and types of education that will likely follow the birth? They test even the strongest couples.

actually, I think we'd survive the things like sleep deprivation, decisions about parenting like MMR jabs and education etc better than most, since we are rational and gentle and non-confrontational to a point of insanity. and because i am so used to feeling strung-out, burnt-out and harassed, and am so used to ignoring those feelings and just getting on with the task to hand.... it would be less of an adjustment for me than for people used to enjoying life!

I am terrified of the non-bonding thing: my Mum clearly never bonded with me - and has recently admitted it as yet another way of pushing me away.

I should talk to bloke about it all.

Is this just a 7-year hitch? Life can't be that bad if the pair of you have lasted this long.
Don't you feel that this relationship is worth fighting for?

You shouldn't ignore your feelings as repressing them has serious health implications. Not to mention that life is much more rewarding if you listen to them and make decisions accordingly. But sounds as though you believe you don't even have the right to feel your feelings. Course you do - we all do.

I agree with the running away to the circus idea - but if you're not up to that, then do some creative activity - ceramics, music, sketching, dance - anything that restores you to yourself a bit.

And take the pressure off - no need to make babies right now is there?

Read this book - Becoming Attached by Robert Karen - about attachment theory - might give you a perspective on parenting and being parented.

SophieM, I'm sorry but I'm going to be blunt because IMVVVVVHO you really must end this relationship. The only thing that's kept me relatively sane over 6 years of babies, children, post-natal depression etc. is having a DH who is kind, funny, interesting and who I love passionately. YOu are proposing to do one of the most difficult jobs with someone you don't even want to spend time with.

So, if you're reluctant in TTC, please don't do it.

'Nice and stable' clearly isn't lighting your fire at the moment -- and I would bet quite a lot of money it never will.

'He shares almost none of my interests ... He has little to say that interests me.' IF that's how it is now, imagine how bored you're going to be in 10, 20, 40 years time!

'He clearly loves me and desperately wants kids...' He desperately wants them, but if you don't want them with him, please don't feel pressured by him, his family, society, whatever.

'His parents are desperately keen on me - they're nice enough FWIW' - It's not your job to fulfil their ambition. They just want the grandchild son

'Everyone thinks we're ideally suited' - so what? It's not right for you.

'I'm chronically depressed' - and having children is almost certainly going to exacerbate your stress levels/exhaustion/depression.

'We go for months without spending any time together' - YOu should be wanting to spend every minute of every day together.

'Sex is hopeless'

sophie you are living in la-la land considering a baby.a baby isn't a band aid over a gaping emotional wound.tou describe a litant of issues well having a baby wont make them disapear

you cannot honestly disclose/discuss or feelings with this man.you need to prioritise you mental and physical health

you need to be give yourself permission to fall in love with Mr Right and stop settling for a 2nd rate relationship

you are wasting his time
wasting your time

clearly something isn't right here.
be bold- walk away

what about college PT or evening.some on job training.can you find something about your career you like

time to be less put upon
do you have supportive friends
work upon yourself esteem

You say 'we are rational and gentle and non-confrontational'.

Umm.
Babies aren't any of those things.
Children REALLY aren't.

Mine are irrational, loud, bonkers, giggly, messy wind-up merchants. A background as a bouncer, riot supervisor or cub scout leader is advisable as preparation.

I am 'rational and gentle and non-confrontational' hasn't helped me cope with my toddler one bit!

I walked away from a relationship in my late 30's knowing it wasn;t right to bring childrne into it and knowing the chances were I might not find another partner quickly enough for me to have children.

So I did it on my own.

It has its downsides, but nothing is more 'down' than living with someone you don;t want to be with...

You think life is shit now - wait until you have babies: it don't come much shitter (sorry to those of you this offends btw).

You would be stark raving bonkers to have kids with this man, or at all if it comes to that. It is naive in the extreme to think if you feel this bad now it won't hit you like a train when you've got a screamer munching on your nipples 24/7. Women who start off fine still get depressed in this situation. Don't do it my love: it isn't fair to you, the bloke, and least of all any babies.

I do hope you find the help you need.

Please don't "settle for this life". Having children is wonderful and fantastic but it is also the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. A lot of relationships, good relationships, suffer or break up once you add babies into the equation and I think you'd be lonelier and more depressed than ever. Hope I'm not being too negative but I really think you need to sort yourself out, break things off with this man who you know you are not suited too and wait til you are happy before going down the baby route.

There seem to be a consensus here, it's not the right relationship or the right time for you to have a baby.

However what you have done is very brave and something I, personally, wish many more people would do. So many people have babies without thinking through the consequences. How many children grow up in families without much love or attention simply because it's "the thing to do". Don't beat yourself up about this. What you are doing is a good thing.

I'm of the opinion that there rarely is the right time to have a baby, but there is the right partner to have a baby with. Good luck in finding him.

Me and my partner are gentle non-confrontational types too. We never row, well, not once in the six or seven years we've been together. But, we have rowed in the 8 months our son has been on the planet!

Feeling burnt out and knackered is one thing - feeling burnt out and knackered with a screaming baby relying on your constant attention for its very survival AND picking up on your negative feelings and reflectig them back to you is a whole 'nother story.

If you had a baby in this scenario the likelihood is that you would end up horribly depressed and feeling so trapped - don't delude yourself that it would just make everything a little bit harder.

As for having a child you are ambivalent about because other people want you to and becuase you don't have to get up and go to leave and find happiness elsewhere? would you really want to do that to a baby?

i morphed from calm clinque mum to scary eyed manky mum upon having a baby

don't under estimate having a new born.took me weeks to stop looking like spudulika and get it together

maybe only schlebs look good with newborn
they have chefs,make up artists,hairdressers

oh and another thing - in your thread title you say you feel like an heir machine and ask does it ever stop - it won't really BEGIN until you have produced the child!

both parties deserve better.he seeking a family deserves to be with a partner who has no qualms and unreservedly wants the same.it isnt fair to chunter along with msigivings

sophie you need some reflective time.as a singlewoman to considerwhat you want.rather than half heartedly immersing yourself in a lukewarm reaction.to femdfsome fear of rejection or better someone than no one

hope you both find some happiness

You think you can cope with stress? Until you have had a baby uou have never had to cope with stress.

Likewise, sleep depravation. Likewise anything else you can think of.

Nothing in the world - no job, there is NO JOB that compares to the stress and sleeplessness that comes with a baby.

DO NOT DO IT.

Please please please please please please please do not have a baby just because there's a guy in the picture (to whom you are only vaguely attached) who thinks he'd like one. He has no idea.

DO NOT DO IT.

interesting the emphasis upon sophie partner.she isn't playing fair either.both chuntering along stringing out the notion she might get pregnant.vaguely ttc

both in wrong place and wrong relationship